Re-entry after major life events
I am re-entering the world of kink in a more serious way after a time period of reduced available time. I have been in graduate school for six years and am finally done. During that time I had lots of shifts in relationships and life generally, some happy, some not. I used to be engaged in kinky things most weekends, leaving the week for work and other activities. I've relocated and am in the process of building community. What is surprising to me is how much the kink communities are the same and how much they are different. The big thing I am noticing is consent.
For example, we as a community are pretty terrible at addresing, holding accountable, and dealing with people who violate consent. Large events struggle with issues of consent, smaller groups deal with issues of consent, munches are even having problems! This is not new or surprising. It's reflective of the fact that we live in a violent society that is structured along several lines power related to race, gender, class, ability, and so on. We live in a rape culture. We live in a world where women are reduced to objects daily. In a world where killing trans folks is fine and not a hate crime.
We can't help the socialization we bring to the table. What we can do is educate ourselves and each other about consent. We can let go of folks who fail to do the necessary work, both personally, and as a community. If people are unwilling to lean into uncomfortable conversations about consent, then this is not community for them.
Consent is too important to leave to chance. Too critical to be reduced to a form one reads and signs. We have to be active learners. We have to practice consent everyday. We can use the questions: how would it feel? What are the risks and pleasures? How is power moving in this situation?
We could build communities of consent, everyone helping eachother practice consent 1,000 or more times a day.
It takes time to do this. Is it ok to brush my teeth while you shower? Is it ok if I take the last cookie? Somehow we understand consent is these areas beyond "no means no" (which by the way is part of the problem in my view). Surely many have had a partner eat the last cookie when you asked them not to, or taken something you'd been saving for yourself. Why is it that when the stakes are higher, when there is genuine trauma involved, we are unable to see harm done?
Why is it that we can come to aid of a person who had their teddy bear stolen at a little pile, or scold the partner of someone who took a cookie, but can't believe people who have been victimized. Not victims, survivors. People who had been victimized, reduced to objects.
I suspect it's related to the fact that we make consent this difficult mysterious thing of violations, and proper response, and organizational process/bureaucracy and event and community organizers needing to respond.
We look to others to help heal the wounds of consent, but don't do the work on the front end to reduce instances of consent not being honored. Rather than blame and shame people for "not speaking up" or "waiting to say something" how about we be compassionate and recognize the courage it took to have that conversation in the first place? How about we recognize we live in a society ravaged by violence, organized by power? That violence and power makes reporting issues related to consent difficult.
Plus, we are bad at consent because we don't practice it. We write policies and make committees--instead of holding an opening ceremony about consent, or a mandatory first timer workshop about consent., or practicing on a daily basis, talking about consent all the time. This is of course happening in some places, at some events, in some communities.
My hunch is that if we spent as much time practicing consent as it took us to learn how to manage pain, doll out pain, apply make-up, smear lipstick, fuck hard, learn piercing, rope, spanking, flogging, whipping, or whatever other fun you get into, we would be better for it.
Aug 28, 2016
If there's anyone more molested out there, I don't want to hear about it.
