The *Not* "Deadpool" thread - All theories are made up, in Minecraft, of course.

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I have two bets.

1. Overdose on Cinco de Mayo
2. Massive stroke resulting in a gimping, allowing Ralph to absorb the powers of Cooking with Jack.
 
rosy holding a lolypop and ralph wants to take it. she then overpowers him and his gun falls out of his holster and she shoots him.
 
My guess is cancer of some sort since alcohol and some of the drugs he takes are carcinogens. Would be poetic irony after he shit on Jim's cancer so much.

Of course, Ralph is too proud (and desperate) to quit so we'll see him waste away over the months until the only thing left is an emaciated bald Ralph sitting there with giant bags under his eyes, all alone and out of it after Nick F. ditches him and mantsu left him. It's gonna be fucking sad.
 
janice-shoots-1.gif
 
Anyone talking about it involving a gun is forgetting that Ralph is a felon in a foreign country.

He can't legally have a gun and I doubt he acquired an illegal one for several reasons. One, theres no way he'd have managed to keep it a secret this long, he would have at least hinted at it if not outright bragged about it on air. Two, he's genuinely afraid to go back to jail. Three, he probably can't spare the money for one from his drugs and alcohol fund.

Probably an OD.
 
Here's what's going to happen: While Ethan is blackout drunk and high he will take extra Xanax forgetting he already took a dose earlier and then he will fall unconscious and slowly stop breathing. He will suffer respiratory depression and die peacefully in his sleep. Meigh will discover him in his office and will run back to America with Rozy and move back in with Harry Morris.
 
Preacher ✝ said:
Anyone talking about it involving a gun is forgetting that Ralph is a felon in a foreign country.

He can't legally have a gun and I doubt he acquired an illegal one for several reasons. One, theres no way he'd have managed to keep it a secret this long, he would have at least hinted at it if not outright bragged about it on air. Two, he's genuinely afraid to go back to jail. Three, he probably can't spare the money for one from his drugs and alcohol fund.

Probably an OD.
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Lol you act like the black market doesn't exist in Mexico...
 
ralph has been using a butt plug for quite some time so that he does not shart on-air again, and because he is gay. we are at the point where he does not notice that it is in, it just feels normal. the morning after eating whatever spic combo of beans/rice/cheese, he plops down on the commode. he is not unaccustomed to firm shits but acting like a rocket ship with beer induced diarrhea is par for the coarse. today must be a firm one because he is not painting the bowl like pollock. ethan is excited for a good stretching so he clenches his teeth and really goes for it....his plug is still in. everything goes dark. he does not die right away, the aneurysm merely made him lose consciousness while his head grows even larger than normal. his filly tries to move him to the sub-prime mobile but his immense girth is too much for any draft horse, let alone and arabian. the paramedics come and take him to the hospital but too much time has passed, our favorite piggy has suffered death by neurological criteria. he is unresponsive and as a LARPing tradcath, meigh refuses to cut life support. the true catholic mexicans say fuck that we need the bed and this gringo is broke; our creamy milk ceases to flow from this cow.

tl:dr fag induced aneurysm
 
Preacher ✝ said:
Anyone talking about it involving a gun is forgetting that Ralph is a felon in a foreign country.

He can't legally have a gun and I doubt he acquired an illegal one for several reasons. One, theres no way he'd have managed to keep it a secret this long, he would have at least hinted at it if not outright bragged about it on air. Two, he's genuinely afraid to go back to jail. Three, he probably can't spare the money for one from his drugs and alcohol fund.

Probably an OD.
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I want to believe that Meig will be the one with the gun. But you’re probably right.
 
Preacher ✝ said:
I explained why I dont think he has or plans to get an illegal gun.
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I know you did, but if he truly wants one he'll get one. So the felony issue is a literal non-issue. I'm on the fence if he'd say anything. I don't think he's that stupid but then again, we're in a month plus long xanny induced pillstream.

Btw, all good theories so far. Still sticking with the Budd Dwyer/Hunter Thompson way out.
 
Ethanol Liver Ralph will shed this mortal coil through a seizure caused by the constant mixing of xannieberries and alcohol, or a brutal attack by cartel members after he disrespects a human trafficking enterpreneur without even realizing it. Afterwards he will met Ronnie and Sandra in the lower spiritual plane, suffering purification through constant hollering at him by demons.
 
Ralph will be found dead by gunshot wound and it will be a mystery as to who killed him among his endless enemies.
Many think it was his subservient, male assistant, Waylon Pantsu, but in reality its Rozy who finds the gun that Ralph keeps under the seat of his truck and accidentally shoots him with it.

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A smash in the nissan is a common theory based on his reckless driving on stream and previous car crashes. While driving with one hand holding a phone we have seen him break-check trucks on a highway, go down mexican oneway roads, swerve to barely miss pedestrians, etc.
But my bet is actually an incident where May is the one driving and Ralph in the passenger seat too fucked up to drive himself. May has said on the record that she doesn't understand the road rules of Mexico and has driven the nissan. Chuck in a hollaring pig in the passenger seat and you have a recipe for disaster.
 
My bet is a xanny + alcohol mixed overdose while streaming and he sits there kaput for a few minutes before Meigh decides to actually do something and call a Mexican Ambulance.
 
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