The Cole Smithey Thread

[CatParty]

Fake Cole Smithey quotes thread would be hilarious.

Firstly, the unfeasibly large shark takes you out of the movie. We are expected to believe that sharks upwards of 13 feet exist. If they want to kill it so badly, why not just turn to the killbots in the military industrial complex to provide a weapon that they didn't get to drop onto a Vietnamese village. We are told that Quint served on the USS Indianapolis. This stretches the withering credulity of this paternalistic archetype to the point of breaking. Ships aren't a thing. You cannot travel across vast amounts of water in 'ships'. Metal is heavy and it will sink in the water. The scene where Brody plays with his son is disgustingly smug and condescending. Why isn't the mother hitting the child with a wooden spoon because I forgot my backpack and threw up at school?

1 3/7 stars out of 6

In my opinion, the end-all-be-all movie of my generation would have to be 'Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2'. This cinematic epic thrusts the audience into a world where babies not only speak, but have super human powers! Stephen Speilburg could learn a lesson or two from director Bob Clark (if Speilburg ever stops talking about Nazis haha)! I give Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 20/10 Stars.

"The only compelling character in Star Wars is Spock"

 

[Major Update]

If only Cole would review Sonichu - The Animated Series, or, even better, one of Chris' videos.

 

[A Random]

But we did save you guys from the Nazi's. Europe was in a constant state of war until America colonized it. The Commies liberated Europe and then slaughtered millions of them. Maybe we should have let them take West Europe as well...
...
Uhh, you would be speaking Japanese if not for us. Europe would be speaking German. Including Russia. We gave the commies aid even before we entered the war. We gave them funds, food, and medicine. If not for that then Germany would have owned them. Britain could protect you guys and you rightfully turned to us. To be honest, I like Aussies better than Europeans and even Canadians at times. I think America should Annex Australia.

Where is that from?

 

[___]

I know it's been said, but his reviews really are boring. He really needs to carve his own niche instead of being yet another film critic / reviewer.

 

[MysticMisty]

Don Bluth once said that kids can handle anything as long as you attach a happy ending to it.

I grew up watching Don Bluth movies of the 80's and I turned out fine. Cole on the other hand would freak out and say that nobody under the age of 13 should see them. Because god forbid kids witness conflict and hardships.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Little bits and pieces from recent Cole stuff that make me chuckle:

Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln” is almost as much of a mess as the War Between the States. Its truncated script — by playwright Tony Kushner, based loosely on admitted plagiarist Doris Kearns Goodwin’s book “Team of Rivals” — sets out to cover Lincoln’s backroom manipulations to advance the Emancipation Proclamation through Congress as the 13th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

It's fishy to call someone out on dishonesty when it's been reasonably speculated that you don't even see the movies you review.

[From his review of Koch] Perhaps the film’s best side effect is its archive-footage depiction of New York City before corporations wiped out nearly every dive bar and mom & pop store and corner restaurant that once gave the city its vibrant character.

Typical NYC hipster watchcry that tries to ignore that in the 70s and 80s, "vibrant character" meant porno houses and a healthy chance of getting mugged.

[From his review of Les Miserables] You won’t leave the cinema humming any “memorable tune” from the show.

He doesn't have a heart, does he?

 

[CatParty]

The douche is lamenting the loss of dive bars as he's sipping his microbrews.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

[From his review of Les Miserables] You won’t leave the cinema humming any “memorable tune” from the show.

He doesn't have a heart, does he?

SERIOUSLY??? I know "I dreamed a dream" and I haven't even seen Les Mis yet.

 

[Francine StripeCheer]

Fake Cole Smithey quotes thread would be hilarious.

Firstly, the unfeasibly large shark takes you out of the movie. We are expected to believe that sharks upwards of 13 feet exist. If they want to kill it so badly, why not just turn to the killbots in the military industrial complex to provide a weapon that they didn't get to drop onto a Vietnamese village. We are told that Quint served on the USS Indianapolis. This stretches the withering credulity of this paternalistic archetype to the point of breaking. Ships aren't a thing. You cannot travel across vast amounts of water in 'ships'. Metal is heavy and it will sink in the water. The scene where Brody plays with his son is disgustingly smug and condescending. Why isn't the mother hitting the child with a wooden spoon because I forgot my backpack and threw up at school?

1 3/7 stars out of 6

In my opinion, the end-all-be-all movie of my generation would have to be 'Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2'. This cinematic epic thrusts the audience into a world where babies not only speak, but have super human powers! Stephen Speilburg could learn a lesson or two from director Bob Clark (if Speilburg ever stops talking about Nazis haha)! I give Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 20/10 Stars.

Citizen Kane. Portly 25-year-old Orson Wells somehow imagines he can convince as director, writer AND actor while failing at all tasks. Kane is an old rich male patriarch who probably votes Republican. He dies while whispering "Rosewood" and we're supposed to care as someone tries to make a movie about his life - a movie about a movie, what is this, Shakespeare? No, it is not.

Citizen grows up with a distant unloving mother who neglects him. She is cold like the snow that surrounds him while sledding. She does him a mercy by sending him away from her for good. Really, the scenes with the mother are most affecting. Such cruelty against young Citizen, a sensitive soul who you feel really needs love. There's also some parts later about newspapers and operas or something, I couldn't concentrate with that annoying deep focus in every scene. In the end Rosebud was the sled.

More like Citizen Lame. 0 star out of 4 (some halves)

 

[Francine StripeCheer]

Hey, who wants to buy Cole Smithey on Kindle? Only £1 a month for all the stuff that's already free on his website
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cole-Smitheys-F ... B002N8B0PQ

Hey - quick quiz - is this a Cole Smithey parody, or a genuine quote from his Oz the Great and Powerful review?

“Oz the Great and Powerful” misses a wide-open opportunity for nuanced social commentary that the Depression era “Wizard of Oz” so eloquently seized. An auteur such as Guillermo del Toro would likely have been a better choice to script such a potentially rich fantasy as rooted in the global pressures of modern day existence.

 

[c-no]

Hey - quick quiz - is this a Cole Smithey parody, or a genuine quote from his Oz the Great and Powerful review?

“Oz the Great and Powerful” misses a wide-open opportunity for nuanced social commentary that the Depression era “Wizard of Oz” so eloquently seized. An auteur such as Guillermo del Toro would likely have been a better choice to script such a potentially rich fantasy as rooted in the global pressures of modern day existence.

I guessed the latter, and after looking it up on his site, the answer lies with the latter. Speaking of the quote, was there really any nuanced social commentary with the Wizard of Oz or is Cole just looking to hard for some message or commentary in a film that he just makes one up?

 

[bradsternum]

Hey - quick quiz - is this a Cole Smithey parody, or a genuine quote from his Oz the Great and Powerful review?

“Oz the Great and Powerful” misses a wide-open opportunity for nuanced social commentary that the Depression era “Wizard of Oz” so eloquently seized. An auteur such as Guillermo del Toro would likely have been a better choice to script such a potentially rich fantasy as rooted in the global pressures of modern day existence.

I guessed the latter, and after looking it up on his site, the answer lies with the latter. Speaking of the quote, was there really any nuanced social commentary with the Wizard of Oz or is Cole just looking to hard for some message or commentary in a film that he just makes one up?

There's a widely disproven but interesting theory that Oz was about socialism: agriculture (the Scarecrow), industry (the Tin Man) and the warrior (the Lion) all banning together to achieve a common goal.

 

[Tubular Monkey]

was there really any nuanced social commentary with the Wizard of Oz

No. It was set in Kansas at the turn of the century, long before the depression. Cole almost certainly doesn't know the source material to understand that. Morons can read anything into anything.

 

[Judge Holden]

Hey - quick quiz - is this a Cole Smithey parody, or a genuine quote from his Oz the Great and Powerful review?

“Oz the Great and Powerful” misses a wide-open opportunity for nuanced social commentary that the Depression era “Wizard of Oz” so eloquently seized. An auteur such as Guillermo del Toro would likely have been a better choice to script such a potentially rich fantasy as rooted in the global pressures of modern day existence.

I guessed the latter, and after looking it up on his site, the answer lies with the latter. Speaking of the quote, was there really any nuanced social commentary with the Wizard of Oz or is Cole just looking to hard for some message or commentary in a film that he just makes one up?

There's a widely disproven but interesting theory that Oz was about socialism: agriculture (the Scarecrow), industry (the Tin Man) and the warrior (the Lion) all banning together to achieve a common goal.

Given the fact that the books were writen in the first decade of the century, long before socialism became widely known or cared about, or even really existed to a significant extent, it would be a bit like saying lord of the rings was written as a commentary on radical islam

 

[Saney]

But we did save you guys from the Nazi's. Europe was in a constant state of war until America colonized it. The Commies liberated Europe and then slaughtered millions of them. Maybe we should have let them take West Europe as well...
...
Uhh, you would be speaking Japanese if not for us. Europe would be speaking German. Including Russia. We gave the commies aid even before we entered the war. We gave them funds, food, and medicine. If not for that then Germany would have owned them. Britain could protect you guys and you rightfully turned to us. To be honest, I like Aussies better than Europeans and even Canadians at times. I think America should Annex Australia.

Where is that from?

Oh, wow, I'm late to reply to this. It's from some right wing nut job on YouTube who thinks that America singlehandedy won World War II.

 

[Cole Smithey]

Wreck it Ralph is Pixar's latest banal Romp through banal, banal, BANAL, BANAL. It's not my fault that my retarded half-brother has garnered more notoriety than I have! Not even Buttah Face Lopez would pay 250 bucks to buy me beer and listen as I commiserate over my failings as a film reviewer...

Texas Chainsaw Chandler is a banal romp through the addled neural pathways of my much loved, yet maligned half-brother, Christian Weston Chandler. All goes well at 14 Branchland Court until Christian's delayed puberty and delusions compel him to embark upon a sweetheart search that inevitably ends in tragedy and many, many heartaches! I give his wasted existence a 3/5: Being the autistic hero of an internet epic that has yet to see it's end, leaves us in suspense for more, whereas I'm deserving of a 1/5 because I have no excuse for my delusions and mediocrity.

Feel free to ban me at will.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Hey - quick quiz - is this a Cole Smithey parody, or a genuine quote from his Oz the Great and Powerful review?

“Oz the Great and Powerful” misses a wide-open opportunity for nuanced social commentary that the Depression era “Wizard of Oz” so eloquently seized. An auteur such as Guillermo del Toro would likely have been a better choice to script such a potentially rich fantasy as rooted in the global pressures of modern day existence.

I guessed the latter, and after looking it up on his site, the answer lies with the latter. Speaking of the quote, was there really any nuanced social commentary with the Wizard of Oz or is Cole just looking to hard for some message or commentary in a film that he just makes one up?

There's a widely disproven but interesting theory that Oz was about socialism: agriculture (the Scarecrow), industry (the Tin Man) and the warrior (the Lion) all banning together to achieve a common goal.

The Populist movement, and the debate over adding silver to the gold standard, to be exact.

 

[bradsternum]

The Populist movement, and the debate over adding silver to the gold standard, to be exact.

That's the one. I guess I got the two confused because some of the Populists eventually became socialists when the populist party dissolved.

Either way, the idea was disproven.

 

[Springblossom]

Hey - quick quiz - is this a Cole Smithey parody, or a genuine quote from his Oz the Great and Powerful review?

“Oz the Great and Powerful” misses a wide-open opportunity for nuanced social commentary that the Depression era “Wizard of Oz” so eloquently seized. An auteur such as Guillermo del Toro would likely have been a better choice to script such a potentially rich fantasy as rooted in the global pressures of modern day existence.

Question 2: Parody? Or Real?

As for the morals contained in Dahl’s well-told story, you’ll have to turn a blind eye to the colonialist themes inherent in Wonka’s importing of Oompa-Loompas to populate his workforce. Slavery is still with us.

 

[c-no]

Hey - quick quiz - is this a Cole Smithey parody, or a genuine quote from his Oz the Great and Powerful review?

“Oz the Great and Powerful” misses a wide-open opportunity for nuanced social commentary that the Depression era “Wizard of Oz” so eloquently seized. An auteur such as Guillermo del Toro would likely have been a better choice to script such a potentially rich fantasy as rooted in the global pressures of modern day existence.

Question 2: Parody? Or Real?

As for the morals contained in Dahl’s well-told story, you’ll have to turn a blind eye to the colonialist themes inherent in Wonka’s importing of Oompa-Loompas to populate his workforce. Slavery is still with us.

Without looking it up, I'm gonna say: REAL. Did I win?