Who's ready to get railroaded?
Best Day of Their Lives
You represent...Queertopia on a diplomatic mission to...Heteronormia. They promise it will be goofy, but can also be a power fantasy. The Prince goes missing on his wedding day and you get blamed for it. It asks the players to answer a variety of questions based on their class to set the setting, but the questions basically just change setting dressing (like "what makes the battle nuns so threatening?". Normia is meant to be a parody of "the patriarchy", but it isn't really clear how yet. Of course the prince is gone because he's actually g a y and rand off with his boyfriend with the help of his g a y sister. You'd think that is incredibly irresponsible as head of an intergalactic monarchy. It suggests that players can bring more conflict depending on the character, and has suggested several times that the Chosen act as a bride (why Queertopia would force a presumably lesbian into a heterosexual marriage isn't clear). The scene examples start with your dudes getting escorted to the wedding, by capable and well respected woman that kinda go against the "its a patriarchy!" line that comes right after that. At the wedding place the Captain's boyfriend faked a monster attack and left glitter behind (because he's gay) so the protagonist get blamed (because they're gay). They're expected to question the people at the wedding place and meet the Princess, who wants to marry the Prince's bride in his place (secretly because da patriarchy). If you track down the boyfriend you find him. He wars a rainbow flag cape and is covered in glitter because he's g a y. He has traps and wants to fight the protagonists as the prince records it for a gay propaganda video. To end it it basically says do whatever to get the Prince married to his boyfriend and the Princess to the bride, maybe fighting their parents or pushing them into fighting them. Overall the concept is just kidna dumb, the plot is straight forward and doesn't really leave the party much room to change things until they actually find the Prince, and they assumptions rely on the players siding with people who they don't really have any attachment to mostly because they're gay and "in love". If they decide not to help then there isn't really anywhere for the story to go.
Constellation Festival
There is a big party. A macguffin got stolen. Find it. Opening suggestions suggest that they have some weird rules like every group must be dating everyone else in their group, and the PCs have to pretend like they're following this rule. Ask some questions. Write a bad guy based on these answers. It doesn't really railroad, because it doesn't really have a plot at all. There are a couple of completely different suggestions to why it went missing and none of them really go anywhere once you find it. Its basically a prompt for a fetch quest. There is a Special Move for the macguffin, everyone touching it gets to either ask a question or give a string to everyone else touching it depending on how they rolled. They can also use everyone else who is touching it's senses.
Gal Paladins
You're paladins who defend the marginalized genders. You're against the evil goddess Repressia and Vanilla. You team up with a Repressia follower to defeat the new goddess Vanilla who is actually just a con artist who wants to get oysters. The innocent villagers tricked by her get attacked by the things that eat the oysters. Maybe a Repressian knight shoes up because she's also bad (duh). Expose her as a fraud or whatever. Like above there really isn't a lot of guidance with this one, you're mostly on your own, though it at least has a little more to work with.
Sword Lesbians of the Three Houses
I'm pretty sure its just Fire Emblem Three Houses. You all go to school together. This one is serious, according to the Hook. There are more questions and its generally expecting to create a more detailed setting, but its basically choosing an option from a list. How fun. Said players are supposed to be a member of different rival houses for drama. It says the plot is more complex but there's like two pages so I doubt it. Start out by doing something dangerous to bring the protagonist together! Then do house politics! Finally finish up the school year with a totally intense graduation/final test or whatever! But something happens there and you have to stop someone to prevent a war! See, much more complex. First adventure idea is a roller-coaster. A professor was killed! A student did it! But it was self defense! Because a second student turned the professor into a vampire! There is also something about a key that doesn't really make sense since the vampires already have it. Second is what happened in...the Goblet of Fire I think? A final test that is a magic labyrinth with stuff in it. Some of the stuff is a lesbian spider and lesbian snake. SERIOUS ADVENTURE
Monster Queers of Castle Gayscull
AKA that new She-ra thing. Magic people defending themselves against a technologically based invader. Its worded so you can pick either side, neither is a designated good guy or bad guy. Again with the opposite of my predicted problem, they expect the GM to do most the writing. What is the enemy leader like? Decide yourself. Unlike the other Adventure Guides this one has some minor characters, but doesn't list their pronouns like the settings did (like a shitlord). There are two adventure ideas but really the GM is going to have a lot to fill in.
Sparkling Heart Magic Force Go!
Magical girls. College students, probably because the writers would think high school lesbians is problematic pedobait or something. Actually it looks like college was "years ago", so you're playing
cake magical girls. This is heresy to the genre. Anyway they beat up the bad guys but now new bad guys who up. New rule gives you another track to keep track of! Players love book keeping. Trust and Bond. Bond goes up when you spend a String helping another player. Trust acts as a bottom level for bond, so it resets to Trust instead of 0, and goes up when you max out Strings or if you end with high bond.
There are two pages of custom rules. We arn't done yet. They get a new move that allows them to permanently destroy the Monster enemy things (that got sealed away?). 10+ beats it, but a success also beats it the GM just pretends like it was going to hurt you first. This seems to be the only use for Bond. There are new relationship questions for each class, each is pretty specific. The bad guy uses the Monsters as minions but has to be a human because reasons. And you probably can't kill them with your super move because reasons. Suggested Bad Guys are a Lost member who used to be part of the original team but everyone forgot about for magic reasons. Second is evolved Monsters who are now human-like and eat lesser Monsters for power. An example Countdown with some atmospheric effects before it presumably releases the seal. Adventure ideas are...something happened to civilians! Decide what. Maybe you'll have to do something about it instead of stopping the gate? A non-MG friend betrays one of you! Maybe they'll split the party so only half of you get to play! How merciful.
While next is More Scenario Ideas, I'll comment on the writeups first. In the end most are caught up in an uncomfortable place between a Setting and basically a one-sentence Adventure Hook that you could find in a "Rumor" section of another game. They're not detailed enough to be easy to handle or to tell a complete story. They're too detailed to be fun to play repeatedly without feeling like you're replaying the same story. The GM is going to have to do most of the work if you want something resembling entertainment from one of these Adventures. They tend to be a bit less vague than the Settings as they're meant to be specific plots, and some feel a little more original as a result. They don't feel consistent among themselves, some are very clearly meant to be stories while others are essentially leaving it up to the GM.
Now back to the book. They each only really get a paragraph. List time!
-Beaver Crossing: "But Beaver Crossing isn’t named for dam-building critters swimming across the river: it’s named for the crossing of swords between immortal champions who live among mortals in secret." S u b t l e. Immortals fight in rural America.
-Dragons and Dungeons: Subtle. Play as monster girls in a dungeon. Surface repressive.
-Flirting with Disaster: Play post-apocolipse. I'm not really sure why these need names. Normies destroyed the world, ree."The world has always been deadly and hostile to us; they just leveled the playing field"
-It doesn't Belong in Your Museum: Steal things from a museum because they're colonizers or whatever.
-Sworded Affairs: Defend something from badguys. What and who? GM knows.
-You May Now Kiss the Bride: You go from planet to planet as wedding planners. This idea was already suggested earlier and is entirely redundant here.
Customizing Your Game: The Last Hope to make your rules not suck.
First page is sperging about moves and their relationship to the PC and GM and narrative control. Its probably the gayest thing in the book (and I have yet to drink away Big Dyke Energy). It goes on for multiple pages and has yet to tell me anything about customizing my game. It finally gives an example of a custom move several pages in (Tea Time), then spends another paragraph sperging about narrative authority and consent. Example of Custom Basic Move gets by with basically just an example, as does Custom End Session and Custom Strings now that the writer is feeling efficient. Maybe you can change the number of strings a GM gets?
Finally, Expanded fighting! From what you and I might remember, Fight was a single move that sucked. Despite the game theoretically involving combat, combat revolved around using this single move and then dealing damage 1-1 since the enemy also get to use the same move no matter what you rolled. Exciting. Lets see if these can make something slightly more interesting.
Fight gets turned into four moves - Lunge, Riposte, Scrap, and Feint. You can choose options that are basically just what you got with Fight when the game tells you to.
Lunge: Basically Fight but you auto take a condition and can maybe do two if you roll high enough
Riposte: Basically Fight but you don't get a condition on a 10+
Scrap: Basically Fight but you get a String
Feint: Basically a better lunge that trades away an Option for a free Condition and not getting a condition on 10+, making it the best for actual combat.
All in all, not...really a major change. It makes combat a little bit more in-depth than spamming Fight, but since each is tied to a different Attribute you're probably just going to spam that in a fight. I'd use these rules if someone took me captive and forced me to run SJW games for them. They are at least a slight improvement.
It has some PC vs PC special rules (Because DRAMA remember?) that basically adds a rock-paper-scissors mechanic to the fight. Its basically add 1 move or Staggering them after the fight is over, so it won't help you actually win the fight but can get you some of the other benefits like Strings. Scrap is excluded from the RPS
Intimacy Moves: Sex Moves. THIS GAME LIED AGAIN! Like in the Icy Hooker setting, it basically says "They're not necessarily sex moves, but they're totally sex moves" to get around their no-sex-move promise. In what is (presumably) a second thing, they introduce the "Bare your Heart" move that gives you a powerup if the players ask the rather specific question from their playbook and the answer is yes. These...arn't necessarily good answers. For example the Beast's is to ask if the other person likes you better in their monster form. If they say Yes they can turn into a Monster too. The Scoundrel's is actually a penalty, they have to maker a condition next time they betray the answerer. They're all over the place in tone and effect.
Adjusting the Premise: What if you picked up Thirsty Sword Lesbians but hate every concept and premise that it is based on, but also read to near the end of the book? I would sarcastically say that this must be uncommon, but that is basically where I am right now. So well played book.
What if you don't want magic? Don't change anything and just pretend all the magical things arn't magic. The game is more concerned with telling you not to become offensive by stripping the magical classes of their metaphors rather than telling you how to do that and not be dumb.
What if you don't want romance? Pretend all the romance things are friendship instead.
What if you don't want swords? It goes on for a page. Even though the swords are literally useless props with no mechanical effect so you could actually just switch them out by pretending they're not-sword-things and nothing would change. It g o e s o n for a page to say that. It gives examples in case you can't think of a non-sword weapon. It gives non-violent options just in case you want to avoid the terrible fighting system entirely. It spergs about why swords.
What if you don't want lesbians? Pretend they ar-actually you can just make them not lesbians. It insists the game will probably make the character queer if you decide to play a cishet tho.
Normally this is where we'd be done. But this isn't a sensible world. This game has a Glossary. Normally games have a Glossary to explain all the game terms and maybe some lore, but this is a Queer game. So it is a Queer glossary. It doesn't have anything to do with the game. It uses terms that never came up elsewhere. It links to websites about the terms. If you picked up Thirsty Sword Lesbians and read through it without knowing what a Lesbian is, it will tell you.
They are all incredibly autistic even by the standard of this game. As it is our duty to archive autism I will present you with this section in full rather than introducing highlights. Suffer with me.