Tabletop Roleplaying Games (D&D, Pathfinder, CoC, ETC.)

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Jet Fuel Johnny said:
You mean that bastardized dumbed down hand holding faggoty version of I6 they made for 5E where there's a little box reminding you not to let your players mock the retard?
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Lol, calm down. I was just pointing out that you were blatantly ignoring a big piece of Forgotten Realms that easily flies in the face of what you were claiming was a uniform issue. Though it's clear to me now that your intention wasn't to have an actually dialog, you just wanted to whine.

That said however let's look at this. No matter what you do within the Curse Of Strahd module with the exception of some extreme circumstances Strahd will return due to the The Dark Powers. In that sense Curse Of Strahd is not a matter of winning or losing, the objective is simply to survive and escape Barovia and hopefully give its people at least a brief reprieve from Strahd's tyranny.

Next up is the elves, particularly Barovia's native elves known as dusk elves many of which are never described as beautiful and instead are depicted as gaunt or scarred in some way shape or form.

And this of course is just one piece of the darker aspects of The Forgotten Realms which you are willfully ignoring to justify your bitching.
 
Jet Fuel Johnny said:
Fuck 3.X too. Too much goddamn "Oh, player empowerment" and "ooooh ,feat chains" and "oooh, magic items baked in!" bullshit.

Besides, I'm not supporting her. I'm going back to books I bought 30 years ago at the bookstore/Shopette in West Germany. She can suck my old saggy balls.

I don't have to buy shit. And if you can't figure out simple volumes in your head, then REEEEEEEEE! NORMIE GET OUT! I mean, how hard is it? LxWxH or fucking volume of a cylinder/pyramid/globe. hell, you're playing at a fucking COMPUTER for fuck's sake.

Besides, we thought about 1E, but they want some non-weapon prof.

BUT, we are using the old "Followers gained at 10th level" stuff since I have my 1E stuff too.

Hell, we even thought about doing Ravenloft.

Because fuck Forgotten Realms of Good Faggots and Sparkly Elves where evil can never even get a foothold and the dumbest motherfuckers ever got made into gods (I'm looking at you, Cyric and Midnight/Mystra, you fucking retards) because holy shit, I hate that place after the 90's.

Besides, there's not a hipster alive who could handle 1/2E.
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lol playing buggy non-playtested trash by a bitch who wanted to make it into Buck Rodgers and who hated your guts no matter how hard you try to ignore it. And lol on thinking that any of my group even uses Faerun's setting and not our own magical brain creativity; why use a fucking setting that can get raped at any time, when you can just do your own thang? Besides, you're confusing 4e with this one; Greyhawk was still effectively the main setting at this point.

And thinking about playing 4e's prototype at all but more autistic... for shame. Just play Warhammer Fantasy if you crave minis combat dude. For those wondering 1e had bonuses to hit that were determined on a weapon v. weapon basis and is similar in some ways to 4e due to Gygax's original ideas for it being from his own wargame.

Also if you're playing Pathfinder 1e at all... you may as well be playing 3.x with houserules tbh. All it does is try to hide the imbalance by adding fake complexity for your martials.
 
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To preface all of this let me begin by giving you a little background on our adventure thus far. We had been hired by the empress of the country to explore a popular trade route to figure out why people were disappearing there. This particular route goes straight through a notoriously dangerous forest within which we fought many creatures, had many fun adventures and gradually bonded as a team. I was playing a 600+ year old Eladrin Arcane Archer specializing in the Stealth and Acrobatics which I was using to keep myself high up in the trees wherein I could snipe down upon enemies and subvert a lot of the DMs cheap bullshit that he tried to use to create flimsy drama. This story in particular will cover how our adventure came to an end and how I specifically foiled the DM at every turn and outsmarted him to the point that he finally forced me out of the game for killing the BBEG early.

I suppose the proper place to start is with the incident that would properly color the DM’s actions going forward and cement what I can only describe as a genuine fear of my character. See, the DM had planned for a group of nine or more lizardfolk associated with the BBEG to track us down and take us to their hidden city in the forest to kick off what would be as he described to me in private “an unwinnable scenario” in which we the players were meant to die after being manipulated and used by the BBEG. What ended up happening however was that either our rogue or ranger discovered that we were being followed and while they were discussing how to handle it I propelled myself back along our path through the trees in stealth to get a better look at our stalkers. Once I realized they were lizardfolk and outnumbered us greatly I decided that I would try to hold them off on my own in hopes that my party could put an even greater distance between themselves and the lizardfolk, hopefully losing them in the process. However my explosive arrow crit the Boss at the center of the group killing him and his mount while the rest of them soaked up the attack’s splash damage. I jumped from the tree and landed safely on the ground whereupon I spewed a line about killing them all, at which point I made it clear that I wanted to roll intimidation, however the DM informed me that the splash damage had put them all below half health anyways and that they were all fleeing into the forest in a panic. The look on his face was priceless. Gone was the smug grin he had worn all session, replaced by a worried grimace. I was genuinely proud of myself at this point and hopped back into stealth and back into the high branches of the trees to catch back up with the party whereupon I found them still talking about how they should handle the stalkers. They had of course heard the distant explosion of my arrow but had no idea what it had been until I explained it to them and we doubled back to loot the bodies.

After that session the DM was visibly panicked as it was clear he had not made additional content for a scenario in which his lizard men had failed and thusly the next few sessions reflected this as he threw numerous obstacles in our way to slow us down, each now bloating the number of enemies to account for my character. This culminated in a session wherein we came to a clearing in which we were ambushed by some ridiculous number of grung that quite frankly I can’t remember beyond the fact that it was clearly an attempt on the DM’s part to use up all of our abilities for the following encounter. This battle culminated in one of my favorite character moments wherein I and the ranger were the last two standing against an army of grung, I in a tree and he on the the ground holding the lifeless body of the rogue as the grung surrounded him by at least a dozen. Now keep in mind, our ranger is a goliath and as such it was reasoned that in what he thought to be his final living act that he could throw himself to the ground and shield the rogue with his body while I dropped an explosive arrow on him to catch all the grung in the blast. However what made the moment truly beautiful is that in this action he said something to the grung, the first half of a catchphrase my character had been using when she would kick someone’s ass “You’ve just entered a whole new world,” he said to them as they surrounded him there on the ground prepared to mutilate both he and the rogue. At this point both I and the ranger’s player look at each other from across the couch and in unison look to the DM and say in character “Welcome to Hell!” As I rolled the dice, firing off my arrow and effectively nuking the grung within the area of effect. With that what grung remained outside of that area fled upon seeing their allies so thoroughly decimated. Our ranger was down but I fixed that with a medicine check and he then healed the rogue and bard on his own. As we got our stuff together and prepared to head further along the path we were informed that the blast had alerted nearby lizardfolk and that they were converging on us from both directions of the path. I think we counted forty two of them in total which in a meta sense made both myself and the ranger very proud. Clearly the DM was afraid.

The very next session picks up on this cliffhanger with the DM’s stepdad, who is in real life a Vietnam war veteran, playing one of the Lizardfolk commanders. Long story short their group leads back along the path we had come through and to an ancient walled off city hidden deep in the jungle. It’s worth noting that as we walked they kept us completely surrounded presumably because the DM knew I still had one use of Bursting Arrow left and I could potentially hurt quite a few of them and escape either alone or with the party if only the party wasn’t at the center of the formation. Anyways along the way we hear giggling fey and shit which is clearly a bad omen especially to someone of the fey. This wasn’t helped by the fact that once we arrived in the city and started talking to people it quickly became clear that they were all brainwashed and likely the very people who had been disappearing. The DM said we couldn’t just assume they were brainwashed and we the players proceeded to explain to him how obvious it was and he eventually relented. Anyways the party decides to stay at a local inn and I offer to help cook to which I am refused and worse yet not even allowed to watch them cook at which point I in and out of character realize their using the food to do the brainwashing. This is when my master plan begins to formulate for it is at this point that I realize that the enemy we face is likely not someone we can take on physically if they have an entire city under their sway. So I leave the inn and hang out on the roof, eating my field rations instead of whatever they’re cooking as I try to decide on my next step. One thing I’m sure of though is that I can’t tell the party yet. I need them to be ignorant of my intentions in case they get turned. With this in mind I head off to the local general goods store to buy supplies. As it turns out however money is no good here and I have to barter. I quickly discover that this is simply the DM’s thinly veiled excuse to try and not give me any supplies... but then things take a turn for the bizarre as the shopkeeper lets it be known that he’d trade some things for a few locks of my hair. Immediately things begin clicking into place for me. There’s definitely someone afoot who can cast scrying whether it be whoever is running this city or one of their underlings. Upon realizing this I decide that giving more hair than required might show the villain behind the scenes that I am not only aware of their presence and scheme but prepared to cooperate as I have nothing to hide. I would also be doing you the reader a disservice by not mentioning that the DM was being SUPER creepy about this hair thing, practically fetishizing my character’s hair in uncomfortable detail. Anyways I use my hair to manipulate the shopkeep into giving me a lot of stuff and then leave to go see the Queen of this place whom we had previously established wanted to meet us. So I and the rogue approach the palace and he is forced to stay outside despite the fact that we had been told we’d be meeting her as a group before. So I meet her and the DM takes a long time to describe exactly how hot I’m supposed to think she is as if to suggest that because I’m playing a female character that it automatically makes her a lesbian, which she isn’t. In fact she is in a relationship with a man and has a child which the DM would know had he actually bothered to read anyone’s backstory. Anyways I make nice with the Queen and give her all the information on the party as a subtle way to show her my willingness to comply this engraciating myself to her and earning her trust. I even talk her into letting me have a room at the palace and show her head scientist my vegepygmy mold and plan to create an army out of it which is all detailed in the notebook I give him. This scheme works on several fronts of course. First, she trusts me even more now as she foolishly believes I have shown my hand and more importantly she will now do all the leg work of creating and training my army for me such that all I need to do is wait for the right moment to step in and take over once it’s complete. Eventually I get her maid to supply me with the spell components I need for the find familiar spell with which I summon a hawk. I write a quick letter detailing the coordinates of our location and the current situation and hide it away at this point.

By now the party has joined me at the palace and the Queen has told us about a mission she wants us to do. During this time she geas’d me to stay in the city only for her to switch her geas over to the ranger for a specific reason we’ll touch on later. Anyways my point is that through talking to the ranger I realize he was geas’d to not enter the portal with us that we were asked to enter for the mission. Long story short she wants us to help her locate the god of trickery whom we had met previously and befriended. The party doesn’t trust the Queen and neither do I but I disclose to the Queen that the party is plotting against her and that during her speech about our mission we saw the god of trickery in the palace. She says he wasn’t in the palace and assured me of this several times at which point I realize the reason she’s so confident in that fact is that she must have been the one puppeteering the illusion. I disclose this to the party as we leave the palace and head into the forest to reenter the trickery god’s demiplane which is only accessible through a magical mist. During this time I send off my bird familiar with the letter from earlier putting him on a course with the capital city. Instead of entering the portal myself I teleport our ranger in there against his will and leave back towards the palace knowing that for whatever reason she didn’t want him in there and now I’ve mucked up her plan while effectively removing my team from the picture and keeping them safe from a foe I know we can’t fight directly. I’d find out later that I really fucked with DMs plans here as the reason she didn’t want the ranger in there is that the the god of trickery has true sight and can see when someone’s being scryed upon thus he is able to evade the forest goddess which the Queen has set loose upon him. This severely sets back the Queens plans though she is not yet aware of it. I return to the palace and get really drunk, depressed about betraying my friends even if it was for their own safety... but then they return and I’m actually so bitter that they came back and willfully endangered themselves that it’s actually up to an out of game coin toss as to whether I help them in their fight with the Queen in the throne room or pretend to work for the Queen and ‘accidentally’ let them escape. I end up fighting with them and we predictably lose, though I lose the most because DM wants me gone and as such he has one of my arms cut off. However, he really should have killed me as he would soon come to find out because my skill has nothing to do archery, rather my true power lies in the wicked web I weave with my mind. The Queen of course had no idea just how far she had entangled herself in my trap. Though I certainly hadn’t meant to lose an arm in the process it would be worth it to save my new friends.

Next up is the famous torture scene which deserves its own post quite frankly because in short I reveal most of my plans to the Queen while keeping some secrets and utterly convince her that I’m on her side only to kill her in her sleep that very same night.
 
God, I wish I could share some stories. Unfortunately I ain't gonna reveal my Kiwi power level user name to my buddies, since they read the Farms too, and its all very specific (and hilarious) stuff. I'll be happy to share via PM's though.
 
DDBCAE CBAADCBE said:
To preface all of this let me begin by giving you a little background on our adventure thus far. We had been hired by the empress of the country to explore a popular trade route to figure out why people were disappearing there. This particular route goes straight through a notoriously dangerous forest within which we fought many creatures, had many fun adventures and gradually bonded as a team. I was playing a 600+ year old Eladrin Arcane Archer specializing in the Stealth and Acrobatics which I was using to keep myself high up in the trees wherein I could snipe down upon enemies and subvert a lot of the DMs cheap bullshit that he tried to use to create flimsy drama. This story in particular will cover how our adventure came to an end and how I specifically foiled the DM at every turn and outsmarted him to the point that he finally forced me out of the game for killing the BBEG early.

I suppose the proper place to start is with the incident that would properly color the DM’s actions going forward and cement what I can only describe as a genuine fear of my character. See, the DM had planned for a group of nine or more lizardfolk associated with the BBEG to track us down and take us to their hidden city in the forest to kick off what would be as he described to me in private “an unwinnable scenario” in which we the players were meant to die after being manipulated and used by the BBEG. What ended up happening however was that either our rogue or ranger discovered that we were being followed and while they were discussing how to handle it I propelled myself back along our path through the trees in stealth to get a better look at our stalkers. Once I realized they were lizardfolk and outnumbered us greatly I decided that I would try to hold them off on my own in hopes that my party could put an even greater distance between themselves and the lizardfolk, hopefully losing them in the process. However my explosive arrow crit the Boss at the center of the group killing him and his mount while the rest of them soaked up the attack’s splash damage. I jumped from the tree and landed safely on the ground whereupon I spewed a line about killing them all, at which point I made it clear that I wanted to roll intimidation, however the DM informed me that the splash damage had put them all below half health anyways and that they were all fleeing into the forest in a panic. The look on his face was priceless. Gone was the smug grin he had worn all session, replaced by a worried grimace. I was genuinely proud of myself at this point and hopped back into stealth and back into the high branches of the trees to catch back up with the party whereupon I found them still talking about how they should handle the stalkers. They had of course heard the distant explosion of my arrow but had no idea what it had been until I explained it to them and we doubled back to loot the bodies.

After that session the DM was visibly panicked as it was clear he had not made additional content for a scenario in which his lizard men had failed and thusly the next few sessions reflected this as he threw numerous obstacles in our way to slow us down, each now bloating the number of enemies to account for my character. This culminated in a session wherein we came to a clearing in which we were ambushed by some ridiculous number of grung that quite frankly I can’t remember beyond the fact that it was clearly an attempt on the DM’s part to use up all of our abilities for the following encounter. This battle culminated in one of my favorite character moments wherein I and the ranger were the last two standing against an army of grung, I in a tree and he on the the ground holding the lifeless body of the rogue as the grung surrounded him by at least a dozen. Now keep in mind, our ranger is a goliath and as such it was reasoned that in what he thought to be his final living act that he could throw himself to the ground and shield the rogue with his body while I dropped an explosive arrow on him to catch all the grung in the blast. However what made the moment truly beautiful is that in this action he said something to the grung, the first half of a catchphrase my character had been using when she would kick someone’s ass “You’ve just entered a whole new world,” he said to them as they surrounded him there on the ground prepared to mutilate both he and the rogue. At this point both I and the ranger’s player look at each other from across the couch and in unison look to the DM and say in character “Welcome to Hell!” As I rolled the dice, firing off my arrow and effectively nuking the grung within the area of effect. With that what grung remained outside of that area fled upon seeing their allies so thoroughly decimated. Our ranger was down but I fixed that with a medicine check and he then healed the rogue and bard on his own. As we got our stuff together and prepared to head further along the path we were informed that the blast had alerted nearby lizardfolk and that they were converging on us from both directions of the path. I think we counted forty two of them in total which in a meta sense made both myself and the ranger very proud. Clearly the DM was afraid.

The very next session picks up on this cliffhanger with the DM’s stepdad, who is in real life a Vietnam war veteran, playing one of the Lizardfolk commanders. Long story short their group leads back along the path we had come through and to an ancient walled off city hidden deep in the jungle. It’s worth noting that as we walked they kept us completely surrounded presumably because the DM knew I still had one use of Bursting Arrow left and I could potentially hurt quite a few of them and escape either alone or with the party if only the party wasn’t at the center of the formation. Anyways along the way we hear giggling fey and shit which is clearly a bad omen especially to someone of the fey. This wasn’t helped by the fact that once we arrived in the city and started talking to people it quickly became clear that they were all brainwashed and likely the very people who had been disappearing. The DM said we couldn’t just assume they were brainwashed and we the players proceeded to explain to him how obvious it was and he eventually relented. Anyways the party decides to stay at a local inn and I offer to help cook to which I am refused and worse yet not even allowed to watch them cook at which point I in and out of character realize their using the food to do the brainwashing. This is when my master plan begins to formulate for it is at this point that I realize that the enemy we face is likely not someone we can take on physically if they have an entire city under their sway. So I leave the inn and hang out on the roof, eating my field rations instead of whatever they’re cooking as I try to decide on my next step. One thing I’m sure of though is that I can’t tell the party yet. I need them to be ignorant of my intentions in case they get turned. With this in mind I head off to the local general goods store to buy supplies. As it turns out however money is no good here and I have to barter. I quickly discover that this is simply the DM’s thinly veiled excuse to try and not give me any supplies... but then things take a turn for the bizarre as the shopkeeper lets it be known that he’d trade some things for a few locks of my hair. Immediately things begin clicking into place for me. There’s definitely someone afoot who can cast scrying whether it be whoever is running this city or one of their underlings. Upon realizing this I decide that giving more hair than required might show the villain behind the scenes that I am not only aware of their presence and scheme but prepared to cooperate as I have nothing to hide. I would also be doing you the reader a disservice by not mentioning that the DM was being SUPER creepy about this hair thing, practically fetishizing my character’s hair in uncomfortable detail. Anyways I use my hair to manipulate the shopkeep into giving me a lot of stuff and then leave to go see the Queen of this place whom we had previously established wanted to meet us. So I and the rogue approach the palace and he is forced to stay outside despite the fact that we had been told we’d be meeting her as a group before. So I meet her and the DM takes a long time to describe exactly how hot I’m supposed to think she is as if to suggest that because I’m playing a female character that it automatically makes her a lesbian, which she isn’t. In fact she is in a relationship with a man and has a child which the DM would know had he actually bothered to read anyone’s backstory. Anyways I make nice with the Queen and give her all the information on the party as a subtle way to show her my willingness to comply this engraciating myself to her and earning her trust. I even talk her into letting me have a room at the palace and show her head scientist my vegepygmy mold and plan to create an army out of it which is all detailed in the notebook I give him. This scheme works on several fronts of course. First, she trusts me even more now as she foolishly believes I have shown my hand and more importantly she will now do all the leg work of creating and training my army for me such that all I need to do is wait for the right moment to step in and take over once it’s complete. Eventually I get her maid to supply me with the spell components I need for the find familiar spell with which I summon a hawk. I write a quick letter detailing the coordinates of our location and the current situation and hide it away at this point.

By now the party has joined me at the palace and the Queen has told us about a mission she wants us to do. During this time she geas’d me to stay in the city only for her to switch her geas over to the ranger for a specific reason we’ll touch on later. Anyways my point is that through talking to the ranger I realize he was geas’d to not enter the portal with us that we were asked to enter for the mission. Long story short she wants us to help her locate the god of trickery whom we had met previously and befriended. The party doesn’t trust the Queen and neither do I but I disclose to the Queen that the party is plotting against her and that during her speech about our mission we saw the god of trickery in the palace. She says he wasn’t in the palace and assured me of this several times at which point I realize the reason she’s so confident in that fact is that she must have been the one puppeteering the illusion. I disclose this to the party as we leave the palace and head into the forest to reenter the trickery god’s demiplane which is only accessible through a magical mist. During this time I send off my bird familiar with the letter from earlier putting him on a course with the capital city. Instead of entering the portal myself I teleport our ranger in there against his will and leave back towards the palace knowing that for whatever reason she didn’t want him in there and now I’ve mucked up her plan while effectively removing my team from the picture and keeping them safe from a foe I know we can’t fight directly. I’d find out later that I really fucked with DMs plans here as the reason she didn’t want the ranger in there is that the the god of trickery has true sight and can see when someone’s being scryed upon thus he is able to evade the forest goddess which the Queen has set loose upon him. This severely sets back the Queens plans though she is not yet aware of it. I return to the palace and get really drunk, depressed about betraying my friends even if it was for their own safety... but then they return and I’m actually so bitter that they came back and willfully endangered themselves that it’s actually up to an out of game coin toss as to whether I help them in their fight with the Queen in the throne room or pretend to work for the Queen and ‘accidentally’ let them escape. I end up fighting with them and we predictably lose, though I lose the most because DM wants me gone and as such he has one of my arms cut off. However, he really should have killed me as he would soon come to find out because my skill has nothing to do archery, rather my true power lies in the wicked web I weave with my mind. The Queen of course had no idea just how far she had entangled herself in my trap. Though I certainly hadn’t meant to lose an arm in the process it would be worth it to save my new friends.

Next up is the famous torture scene which deserves its own post quite frankly because in short I reveal most of my plans to the Queen while keeping some secrets and utterly convince her that I’m on her side only to kill her in her sleep that very same night.
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What kind of explosives where you using that could take out a bunch of lizardmen at once?
 
WinchesterPremium said:
Yeah but like, 2d6 damage lol. An average of 7. Not exactly going to be wiping out hordes of monsters with that.
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Except I did pretty consistently. The one time I rolled really low splash damage was against the BBEG, and honestly that didn’t even matter since her beat down came later.

Edit: Pretty sure the lizardfolk one was a crit though. Granted it’s not to hard to get Crits when you Have advantage from stealth most of the time.
 
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Thirsty Sword Lesbians.

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Thirsty Sword Lesbians. Wow. Just... Wow. I wonder what Sigmund Freud would have to say about that title.

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Because no one knows more about what lesbians are like than a group of white men playing role-playing games.

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So, it's Twitter: the RPG? Destroy your enemies by making witty quips about how problematic they are?

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And yet, Adam Koebel.

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Yeah! Take that, you mean bullies! You're not allowed in our cool clubhouse!

The term "queer" really has been overtaken by people who got bullied in high school and never got over it, and they applied hindsight to come to the conclusion that they got bullied for being "queer", and not for being nerds.

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Finally a game where Cockinator the white male barbarian can defeat Rocket Tits the evil sorceress by rolling dice to make her do anal with him. But it's okay, because it's totally kweer, you guys!
 
Gingervitis said:
Does this mean we'll get our hobby back? I've been dying for a Dragonlance supplement for 5e for literal years now. D&D Next blueballed us when they took out the Kender.
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I'll accept that we'll have our hobby back when they re-release Dark Sun, complete with everybody being half-naked, oiled up, and taking/freeing/fucking slaves every other weekend.
 
Corn Flakes said:
I'll accept that we'll have our hobby back when they re-release Dark Sun, complete with everybody being half-naked, oiled up, and taking/freeing/fucking slaves every other weekend.
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Nahh, they raped that setting in the books and had the world itself start to recover in 4e. They'd have to do a reboot back to basics.
 
JektheDumbass said:
Unpopular opinion: a game that doesn't consider character balance a goal is better than a game that tries and fails to be balanced.
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Sorry Monte Cook, but people like to be able to play things other than casters. Making some setups better than others is one thing, but making entire classes next-to worthless because of your hatred for martials is bad game design.
 
Wallace said:
Finally a game where Cockinator the white male barbarian can defeat Rocket Tits the evil sorceress by rolling dice to make her do anal with him. But it's okay, because it's totally kweer, you guys!
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FATAL beat it to the punch on that.

Its another Apocalypse World game, like the Watch a while back, so you only have a couple of moves for each class thing to do. They didn't write their own system or anything.
 
This is the story of the infamous torture scene that took place after my character lost her arm to the BBEG after surrendering in combat in exchange for the life of the group’s ranger whom had during the course of the combat been captured and held hostage. Anyways, so my character wakes up on the cold floor of a subterranean prison cell. She would be in a lot of pain right now considering her arm was just lopped off but it looks like someone healed it to a stump. This of course means that more than anything right now she’s pissed off and concerned about her friends. I immediately ask the DM if I can see any guards and quickly get a layout of my immediate surroundings including my own cell and the corridor it runs along. Apparently I was just left with the one guard and so I hop into stealth using the natural shadows of the dungeon and teleport past the bars grabbing the guard’s keys before letting myself back into the cell the regular way. It was rather fortunate that I had done this so quickly as not moments after I had reseated myself on the floor the BBEG and her attendant arrives and let themselves into my cell, locking the door behind them upon entering. So I think I should point out that the BBEG is a large snake woman. In the guise of the Queen she had appeared to us as a half elf but during our last battle she had revealed her true form and that is how she greeted me now. They stood my character up and the BBEG began to beat her with her bare fists in hopes of breaking both body and spirit but only found her own frustration growing as my character cracked a wicked smirk and spit blood on the face of the BBEG’s attendant. This leads into one of my favorite bad jokes of the encounter. My character, who we will just refer to by Valeryn from here out, while smirking in the face of the BBEG, Sella, painfully coughs out a laugh and says “I have to hand it to you, I didn’t think you could throw a punch.” To which Sella wraps her snake tail around Valeryn’s neck and begins to squeeze stating “Mmm, there’s a lot of things people don’t expect about me.” To which I decided to be especially shitposty and reply with, albeit through choked wheezes, “No yeah, I get it. The whole snake thing.” At which point Valeryn gets gut punched and again spits blood specifically in the attendants face. At this point Sella is visibly unsettled by Valeryn’s refusal to show fear or weakness in her presence and decides to prepare to lunge her bladed tail at Valeryn... However before the blade can reach her throat Valeryn in a cruel almost villainous tone asks “So you don’t care what happens to all of your subjects then?” This stops Sella in her tracks. She is all at once confused and concerned and demands that I elaborate. You see, nerdy as this may seem I had since our first meeting been creating a psychological profile of the Queen with which I determined that she above all was a woman ruled by her own ego. I reasoned that she kept the brainwashed citizens around to feed herself adoration and praise, something she likely wasn’t accustomed to as I had a hunch she had some severe Mommy issues. Turns out I was right. After Sella released her throat Valeryn smugly explained that Sella’s on duty attendant Ophelia had so graciously supplied her with the material she needed for the Find Familiar spell while she had been staying at the palace. She then went onto explain that within a matter of days an army would be arriving from the capitol city that would likely slaughter the brainwashed citizens and their Queen indiscriminately, and all because Valeryn had been able to send a letter via the familiar she had created. During this the words “You may have disarmed me, but I haven’t been declawed.” were uttered. Peek dialog. Anyways, the real issue here was that the DM had previously established that a familiar would not die or be desummoned if the summoner dies in this setting and thusly I have left Sella in a tight spot. Clearly the hawk hasn’t had enough time to reach the capitol but by now it would be pretty close which means that the only way to remedy this would be to have me dismiss my familiar. Valeryn informs her that she’s thinking too small and explains that if she really wants to be sure that the familiar is gone the best course of action would be to have Valeryn resummon it and then kill it. Sella, astonished by Valeryn’s good advice sends Ophelia off to gather the ingredients I’ll need. So long story short during the wait Valeryn explains how she had been onto Sella’s schemes from the start and convinces her that she had played along out of a sense of loyalty. Basically a lot of emotional manipulation going on here in subtle ways to trick the BBEG into trusting Valeryn. Anyways, we come to an agreement that Sella won’t kill or brainwash my friends and let them go in return for Valeryn summoning and killing the bird. It’s at this point that the DM tries to make things uncomfortably lesbian by having Sella coil around Valeryn suggestively and “massage” her.. it was weird but it was also evidence that my plan had worked. I had both the BBEG and the DM wrapped around my finger for the moment. Sella even suggests that I replace her right hand man while we swap tragic backstories, albeit it was said with a weird sexual connotation but I had always suspected she was banging her bodyguards so it wasn’t too surprising. Anyways Ophelia arrives with the stuff I need, I resummon the bird and then strangle it to death as proof of my loyalty. However Sella and by extension the DM is paranoid as fuck because they know they have been thoroughly outsmarted up to this point and thusly Sella proceeds to use all three of her uses of Geas to repeatedly ensure that I didn’t just desummon the bird at the last minute to make it look like I killed it. After that was settled Valeryn complains to Sella that this cell is too cramped for her tastes and Sella has to summon every ounce of her mental fortitude to not just give me my room back up in the palace proper. Instead she has Ophelia gather up some men to bring me a four poster bed down here even though she explains right after that, that I’ll be back in my palace bedroom by tomorrow. According to her it would just look really bad if she let me free of the cell the same day we tried to kill her. This is when I reveal I’ve had the keys all along and she doesn’t even bother taking them from me because as I explain to her I could have left whenever I pleased. After all, one arm or not Sella is aware that Valeryn can still pose a massive threat. Speaking of the arm it was revealed earlier that Sella could totally help Valeryn grow it back. Anyways as Sella is finally leaving Valeryn’s cell she says goodbye and Valeryn in turn says “They’ll never really care about you, you know. You only brought them here as playthings to feed your vanity.” With that Sella stops in her tracks, her eyes widen and the DM begrudgingly describes her pained face as she quickly turns away and leaves. Finally the bed arrives, Valeryn gets herself a long rest and in the dead of night sneaks out, steals a sword of one of the guards, kills him, and proceeds towards Sella’s room in spite of the DM’s protests and whining. To his credit, for once he didn’t pull any bullshit to try and circumvent my ungodly stealth and I made it to her room without any further combat. I made sure she was asleep and then slit her throat without incident. This is were the game ended for me as that immediately devolved into an argument and I was guilt tripped into leaving the group, though it honestly just felt like getting kicked out. He never told the other players what happened and basically retconned my character out of the game. Though, in my head cannon Valeryn took over as the Queen after that, releasing the brainwashed people and sending her friends home while she stayed behind with the lizardfolk to continue training her growing vegepygmy army eventually becoming a well meaning villain in her own right for one of my campaigns.
 
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Jet Fuel Johnny said:
Me and my group are saying "Fuck it" and abandoning Pathfinder 1E and 2E (God, 2E is a fucking baby's first game trashfire. Fuck that edition), not even going to touch 5E after the whole fucking races bullshit.

We're rolling back the clock, baby.

Time for ugly bare knuckle fighting where they fighter yells at the wizard "SAVE THAT GODDAMN FIREBALL! THESE GUYS GOT NOTHING!" as he wades into 20 orcs.

We're rolling back to 2E. PHB, DMG, MC Hardback, ToM.

That's it.

Nothing else.

Because fuck these new games. I'm just fucking sick of it all.

Back to faggy elves, sneaking halflings, ugly ass pig-face orcs, and clueless humans.
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Sounds good
 
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