So… I don’t know what to say other than this: My players just full on pulled a near full Henderson and utterly raped European History in the process. So because that happened, I have to tell you the tale of the Disaster at Schmerzen.
Let’s start off by listing the group:
Alemento: Human. Pretty much the party face and one of two Warlocks in the group. He was inspired by the Count of Monte Cristo and thus had things to settle with some “old friends”. Only thing that keeps him going is vengeance and not much else.
Katrine: Human. A wandering bard that was drawn to riches and her own personal reasons. She uses her performances and disguises to often walk about unnoticed.
Hans: Human. A rogue from not-Prussia who is out to essentially buy his way into nobility by any means necessary. It’s not treason if his nation isn’t at war with his employer. A bit impulsive, but pretty much a ghost when it comes to moving around.
Buttons: Only non-human (a Tibbit). He’s also a Warlock, and relies and only goes about in cat form, meowing rather than speaking. Often the sneakiest of boys, since no one expects cats.
Banon: Human. A good natured Duskblade and the least subtle man alive. This is of course why he was brought into a group of amoral sneak thieves. Good with Kelgor’s Fireball and lightning swords.
The setting can be best described as the Not-Napoleonic Wars, which includes homebrewed musketry and cannons. Magic and Science go hand in hand, with neither really killing the other, and fantasy races do exist but humans really are dominant in numbers. The group is currently and likely will remain working for the Not-French Republic for now, especially given what happened.
The group just finished training a few groups of casters to work en masse (for a planned mass combat test I had), and were attached to the Northern Army of Gallia, particularly a regiment of troops under Colonel Boulanger, their employer. Their mission was to spoil a raid by the Sonnenfeld (Not-Austria) Empire and an attempt to raise the Royalists back using Not-Belgium. Now, my plan was that they would assist in crossing the rivers and securing the Picardie region from this close threat.
But as soon as they heard that one of the forces that their colonel planned for was coming from a major ammo dump nicknamed Festung Schmerzen, they insisted on doing this first. Now, I knew as the DM why this option was a stupid idea.
The first issue is that Banon sucked balls at stealth; and this was more of a stealth mission at the moment due to the situation on the ground. Schmerzen was a good 30-50 km behind enemy lines, and was designed to be more for a major point needed to pacify Not-Wallonia.
The second problem was that was where I put the Sonnenfeld Empire’s elite forces at. The Liebgarde were at their weakest to a man at the party’s level (level four). On average? Level seven. No fucking way five guys should be able to fight them off, and stealth only stretches to the weakest link (Banon’s stealth).
I really didn’t want them to go off and die, so I tried my best to simply go “Are you sure?” with Colonel Boulanger as my mouthpiece. But of course, four of the five insisted on going regardless. The only player who realized what I was doing was Banon’s player, but the group clearly voted already and were not listening, so I resolved to go for the imprisonment scenario should (and at the time I thought when) they finally fucked up.
The initial run almost dies at the gate, since a high percentile roll had them in sniffing distance of a Liebgarde patrol. Thankfully they hid and my roll was poor, or else Prison session would happen early most likely. From there it began to smooth out, and they were able to reach and break into the fort via a spotted lapse in the guard (due to it being so far from the front). Hilariously it was Banon, who had the second worst spot in the party, who found the weak point in the fort.
Things went swimmingly courtesy of most of the party being dickass thieves, but there was a harrowing moment where the guards spotted Banon. Thankfully, he rolled a one, so for comedy (and not wanting to tpk the party at a fort AGAIN), I just ruled he saw Banon as a suit of armor, causing the party to laugh a bit, since I’ve ruled that before when this happened.
The party was doing well, since up until about half way through the fort, they only had to fight a single member of the Liebgarde. The fight was comical given he mutated into a ten-armed one-legged monster that somehow ignored grease and called shots to the leg, but thankfully my low rolls saved them from investigation. Despite this there were problems.
The big issue was the layout of the place; it was labrynthine due to the builders loving a convoluted entrance and exit to the ammo dump. It also led to a room that was pretty much impossible to sneak through. The party tried as hard as they could to sneak through, but sadly the alarms began blaring due to proximity to the main gate and them not being able to kill them quick enough.
Now, I thought at this point the party might actually do the sane thing and just wig out with the loot they stumbled into (including a really broken set of dice) and maybe just try again with better support. Nope. They decide to go full pants-on-head idiot and SPLIT THE PARTY. Alemento and Buttons fled to try and get to the ammo dump, while the rest of the gang decided to loot and burn the fucking stone fort. I by this point was resigned to killing them due to this being pretty insane, and this was verified when reinforcements arrived early based on my roll for them.
They only realized when faced with six level 7 NPCs, two of them War Hulks, that they made a big fucking mistake. This did not happen when I began throwing OP changeling shit, they blithely ignored when I began to hurl save or sucks at them. But the War Hulks. That made them realize. They finally began bugging it… except for Alemento and Buttons.
You see, Alemento’s player reminded me of his shoes that cast dimension door. And Buttons was small and tiny, so they were going to hail-mary bomb the ammo dump anyway. I was baffled at the stubbornness, but alright… they made that choice.
Then they stumbled onto the supply commander and killed him. Again this would be when I’d have left since that would still hurt Not-Austria’s chances to win in Not-Belgium. But they continued on.
By this time, the session was getting near my normal end point and I had things to do, so I did place the Dump closer. They do their thing, and everyone just barely escapes as the 1812 Overture begins to play. In the process, I realized just what they did.
They just wiped out the Liebgarde; the Emperor’s best units. Not just that, but they fucking pulled off the ammo dump explosion early, pretty much leaving Not-Austria’s army without ammo and powder. Then I just realized they wiped out a good group of the supply corps… and the damage just kept piling on, both due to what happened and what I rolled.
The Final Results of What the Party Fucking Did
- 95% of the Liebgarde are dead, meaning Sonnenfeld has no elites
- 35% of the Supply Korps are dead, meaning Sonnenfeld can’t organize their unruly multilingual army
- Sonnenfeld’s Nord Armee is utterly without ammo barring their day's ration and what each barracks carries
- The regent and main general on the front, Priest-Chancellor Sturmgeist is tried in court for this massive fucking bout of incompetence and found guilty, being executed as a traitor
- The feeble and nearly mentally exceptional Ferdinand III is currently ruling without any tard wrangler, seizing and shitting himself out of stress and doing nothing
- THE NOT-HUNGARIAN FUCKING REVOLUTION HAPPENS 50 YEARS EARLY
- Col. Boulanger finally got that promotion he wanted to Brigadier General
- NOT-ITALY IS UNITING EARLY
Tl;dr? The party did something dumb, but worked stupidly well. As a result, this one fort was owned so hard that a war ended two years early and caused events to boil over decades before they should.