Polyamory General - Polyamory drama from Facebook, Reddit, and more

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Since this thread got necro'd anyway, have some fresh content.

Scenario: Girl is dating "previously mono guy", he's kinda uncomfortable and wants to set some rules for her.
Response:
There are no acceptable rules that won't give him power to control you. That's literally what rules are: agreements made to control behavior.

If you choose to do something (and truly CHOOSE to do it, not choosing out of guilt or fearing emotional retribution--that's coercion not choice), you won't need a rule for it.
Click to expand...


polydumb7.png

The following is long which is why it is spoilered.

Bear with me, please. There's a lot to this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. As in any relationship, we've had or fair share of issues that we've had to overcome. About a year into dating, we were living together and exploring sexuality. We began sleeping with other people, but always together. We are both bisexual so this included men and women, and he is heavily kinky. He also suffers from depression, and as a result of that there were times he became very distant and emotionally unavailable. About 2.5 years in he actually broke up with me, saying that he wasn't in love with me and never would be. This lasted about 2 weeks before we ended up repairing things.

As our relationship started to progress, I began to ask about the future (marriage, kids, etc) but he was unable to commit. Kids he was on the fence about, but leaned towards not wanting them. At around our 4 year mark, I started to crave more than just one night stands with random people and we found a girlfriend first followed by a boyfriend. This all went okay for a little less than a year, but things fell apart because the gf was manipulative and intentionally driving wedges between us, and then the new bf relapsed on heroin.

My long term partner cut him out of his life, and insisted that I do the same. However... During my partners emotional distancing, I fell very hard for our new boyfriend. I didn't want to abandon him like that, and said so. This created an even bigger rift between my partner and I. We started arguing more and drifted further apart. I became sort of fixated on whether or not we would be progressing as a couple. One day, we sat down to talk about our relationship and I asked him (again) if he EVER wanted kids, and he told me no. As much as it hurt, we wanted to pursue different paths in life so I moved out.

Shortly after moving out, I reconnected with our ex-bf. After 2 months my ex-partner and I tried to get back together again, and when it didn't work that time around, I decided to pursue things further with the bf. We started being intimate and in about a month and a half, I got pregnant. I panicked, as I wasn't even at the point where I was ready to call him my bf again coupled with his addiction, but we decided to try to make things work. Just because things weren't complicated enough, my ex-partner reached out to me again and I told him about the situation expecting he would never want to speak to me again. Initially he was angry but ultimately he still asked me to come back and raise the baby together. I decided the baby's father and I needed to give things a shot, but I was so emotional and unstable I couldn't put in the necessary effort. After a few too many arguments, baby's father and I stopped talking for around a month. At this point I decided to try to work things out with my ex-partner again....again... But no matter what I did I was miserable. When I was with one I missed the other. I felt incomplete without them both. So in a short-lived whirlwind of craziness, the three of us tried to be together again. It was wonderful for about a week before baby's father pulled out, saying he couldn't be in that type of relationship and he wanted US to be together and be a family.

So here I am, 6 months pregnant and beyond emotionally fucked. I know this is mostly my fault. I know I'm going to end up hurting one of the men I love even more. But I don't know what to do. My partner and I have been through so much together, and this time around he finally seems committed to making it work. Says he does want to build a life with me, get married and have kids. We're scheduled to go to couples therapy. Part of my issue with him is in the bedroom though. For the past year+ I haven't been able to get wet, and no longer feel any passion or drive to be intimate with him. My desire for my child's father, however, is out of this world. We connected on such a deep level... Spiritually, physically and emotionally. Plus we are now bonded for life by this baby. But IDK if that's a stable enough relationship to build a life on. Even though at this point he has a year clean, any addict can relapse and it's scary.

Both of them are fully aware of how I feel, and both of them want to be with me. At this point I just don't know what to do. If you read all of this, thank you, and any guidance is appreciated. I feel so lost and almost too depressed to function lately...

Idk if it's relevant, but I'm 29/F, partner is 36/M, childs father is 34/M.

TL;DR I'm torn between my baby's father and my long term live together boyfriend after our poly relationship ended.
 
Crunchy Leaf said:
Scenario: Girl is dating "previously mono guy", he's kinda uncomfortable and wants to set some rules for her.
Response:



View attachment 380770
The following is long which is why it is spoilered.

Bear with me, please. There's a lot to this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. As in any relationship, we've had or fair share of issues that we've had to overcome. About a year into dating, we were living together and exploring sexuality. We began sleeping with other people, but always together. We are both bisexual so this included men and women, and he is heavily kinky. He also suffers from depression, and as a result of that there were times he became very distant and emotionally unavailable. About 2.5 years in he actually broke up with me, saying that he wasn't in love with me and never would be. This lasted about 2 weeks before we ended up repairing things.

As our relationship started to progress, I began to ask about the future (marriage, kids, etc) but he was unable to commit. Kids he was on the fence about, but leaned towards not wanting them. At around our 4 year mark, I started to crave more than just one night stands with random people and we found a girlfriend first followed by a boyfriend. This all went okay for a little less than a year, but things fell apart because the gf was manipulative and intentionally driving wedges between us, and then the new bf relapsed on heroin.

My long term partner cut him out of his life, and insisted that I do the same. However... During my partners emotional distancing, I fell very hard for our new boyfriend. I didn't want to abandon him like that, and said so. This created an even bigger rift between my partner and I. We started arguing more and drifted further apart. I became sort of fixated on whether or not we would be progressing as a couple. One day, we sat down to talk about our relationship and I asked him (again) if he EVER wanted kids, and he told me no. As much as it hurt, we wanted to pursue different paths in life so I moved out.

Shortly after moving out, I reconnected with our ex-bf. After 2 months my ex-partner and I tried to get back together again, and when it didn't work that time around, I decided to pursue things further with the bf. We started being intimate and in about a month and a half, I got pregnant. I panicked, as I wasn't even at the point where I was ready to call him my bf again coupled with his addiction, but we decided to try to make things work. Just because things weren't complicated enough, my ex-partner reached out to me again and I told him about the situation expecting he would never want to speak to me again. Initially he was angry but ultimately he still asked me to come back and raise the baby together. I decided the baby's father and I needed to give things a shot, but I was so emotional and unstable I couldn't put in the necessary effort. After a few too many arguments, baby's father and I stopped talking for around a month. At this point I decided to try to work things out with my ex-partner again....again... But no matter what I did I was miserable. When I was with one I missed the other. I felt incomplete without them both. So in a short-lived whirlwind of craziness, the three of us tried to be together again. It was wonderful for about a week before baby's father pulled out, saying he couldn't be in that type of relationship and he wanted US to be together and be a family.

So here I am, 6 months pregnant and beyond emotionally fucked. I know this is mostly my fault. I know I'm going to end up hurting one of the men I love even more. But I don't know what to do. My partner and I have been through so much together, and this time around he finally seems committed to making it work. Says he does want to build a life with me, get married and have kids. We're scheduled to go to couples therapy. Part of my issue with him is in the bedroom though. For the past year+ I haven't been able to get wet, and no longer feel any passion or drive to be intimate with him. My desire for my child's father, however, is out of this world. We connected on such a deep level... Spiritually, physically and emotionally. Plus we are now bonded for life by this baby. But IDK if that's a stable enough relationship to build a life on. Even though at this point he has a year clean, any addict can relapse and it's scary.

Both of them are fully aware of how I feel, and both of them want to be with me. At this point I just don't know what to do. If you read all of this, thank you, and any guidance is appreciated. I feel so lost and almost too depressed to function lately...

Idk if it's relevant, but I'm 29/F, partner is 36/M, childs father is 34/M.

TL;DR I'm torn between my baby's father and my long term live together boyfriend after our poly relationship ended.
Click to expand...


"Wasn't my place to intervene" - dude she's your wife and some other guy is blastin rope in her. That's exactly the kind of scenario you're entitled to intervene in.

I love how in every story where people pursue their poly lifestyle 'sexuality':
a) at least one if not more participants become miserable and too depressed to function
b) lots of tears, usually alone in a locked bathroom, hotel room, or empty marital bedroom
c) they become less attracted to their 'primary partner' in comparison, no longer have sex with them
d) "unintentional" pregnancy with sidepiece complicating everything, tearing marriage apart
e) it leads to drug or alcohol abuse
f) one partner (usually the guy) can't find anyone to date while the other blithely leaves em home alone to go out with sidepieces
g) feeling extreme jealousy while trying to suppress it and feeling bad and "unsupportive" for feeling it, turning anger inward into depression and self-loathing
h) 'unicorn' triangle girl of their dreams turns out to be manipulative and tries to drive a wedge between them because the only kind of person who'd fuck two married people is either not all there mentally or is trying to break up the marriage to snag one of them herself
i) they put their pursuit of shiny new sex above the happiness of their partner and children
j) someone runs off with their sidepiece and forms a monogamous relationship

Sometimes I wonder if polyamory is just a form of sexual sadism & masochism.
 
Ctrl+Alt+Rt said:
"Wasn't my place to intervene" - dude she's your wife and some other guy is blastin rope in her. That's exactly the kind of scenario you're entitled to intervene in.

I love how in every story where people pursue their poly lifestyle 'sexuality':
a) at least one if not more participants become miserable and too depressed to function
b) lots of tears, usually alone in a locked bathroom, hotel room, or empty marital bedroom
c) they become less attracted to their 'primary partner' in comparison, no longer have sex with them
d) "unintentional" pregnancy with sidepiece complicating everything, tearing marriage apart
e) it leads to drug or alcohol abuse
f) one partner (usually the guy) can't find anyone to date while the other blithely leaves em home alone to go out with sidepieces
g) feeling extreme jealousy while trying to suppress it and feeling bad and "unsupportive" for feeling it, turning anger inward into depression and self-loathing
h) 'unicorn' triangle girl of their dreams turns out to be manipulative and tries to drive a wedge between them because the only kind of person who'd fuck two married people is either not all there mentally or is trying to break up the marriage to snag one of them herself
i) they put their pursuit of shiny new sex above the happiness of their partner and children
j) someone runs off with their sidepiece and forms a monogamous relationship

Sometimes I wonder if polyamory is just a form of sexual sadism & masochism.
Click to expand...

100% agreement

It will forever baffle my mind how these people can put themselves through this emotional torture.

I would rather die a virgin cat lady than deal with all this shit.

And I don’t even like cats.
 
On one hand, I'm sure 3-way closed poly relationships could work for some people (inb4 :optimistic:). I'm definitely not one of those people, I don't even casually date, but hey, I'm kind of the odd one there.

On the other hand, I literally got sick from reading all these stories of people in open/poly relationships having their significant other treat them like shit after meeting the "new one."

Does Reddit just bring out the worst of people?
 
scared sheep said:
On one hand, I'm sure 3-way closed poly relationships could work for some people (inb4 :optimistic:). I'm definitely not one of those people, I don't even casually date, but hey, I'm kind of the odd one there.

On the other hand, I literally got sick from reading all these stories of people in open/poly relationships having their significant other treat them like shit after meeting the "new one."

Does Reddit just bring out the worst of people?
Click to expand...
Reddit IS the worst of people.
 
scared sheep said:
On one hand, I'm sure 3-way closed poly relationships could work for some people (inb4 :optimistic:). I'm definitely not one of those people, I don't even casually date, but hey, I'm kind of the odd one there.

On the other hand, I literally got sick from reading all these stories of people in open/poly relationships having their significant other treat them like shit after meeting the "new one."

Does Reddit just bring out the worst of people?
Click to expand...
:offtopic:as in you only date to find serious relationships or like not at all? :offtopic:

Reddit is full of smug cucks that are on the right side of history
 
scared sheep said:
On one hand, I'm sure 3-way closed poly relationships could work for some people (inb4 :optimistic:). I'm definitely not one of those people, I don't even casually date, but hey, I'm kind of the odd one there.

On the other hand, I literally got sick from reading all these stories of people in open/poly relationships having their significant other treat them like shit after meeting the "new one."

Does Reddit just bring out the worst of people?
Click to expand...
Reddit is not the problem. Polyamory is the problem: you can find the exact same types of posts in any poly group anywhere.

R and G (R's OSO) and I (S,) are preparing to move in with each other, as
well as at least one, possibly two others for R and I to share. G is not
really poly and has no interest in anybody except for R (so far) (although
sie seems to be warming up to the idea). Sie is willing to go along with it
now because sie wants R to be happy and knows that if R is not happy then R
will not be with zir for very much longer. R has been trying to get G to
allow zir to have a same sex partner (which I am not) for a long time. It
strikes me as very odd that G does not seem to mind too much that R and I
are sleeping together but is really freaked out by the idea of R having sex
with another of the same sex.
Click to expand...
my wife is participating in a relationship that is frustrating the heck
out of me - I am confused, jealous, frustrated, angry, resentful,
remorseful, and intrigued by this whole thing. About two years ago my
Wife approached me about wanting to have sex with another man. ( both
of us were virgins when we met and I have not had any other lovers
since our marriage almost elven years ago, and this is her first
lover ).

I always thought it would be me coming to her to ask more for
forgiveness about my infidelity instead of her coming to me before it
happened, which is why I am intrigued by what she asked of me. I would
like to find a lover that would help me feel the feelings that she is
experiencing. I am aware of the fact that I can love another person the
way that my wife can love another. Our Marriage is the right thing and
is true for both of us, overall we are a happy couple, but I am jealous
of her activities as well as a little resentful and remorseful that I
feel like i am not getting all of the attention that I used to get. I
am remorseful of those feelings because I know that I still get the
best amount of attention and commitment from my wife that any man can
get.
Click to expand...

That's vintage 90s alt.polyamory for you. Be glad I didn't quote the posts about science fiction and polyamory themed folk songs or how to talk about polyamory in Welsh.
 
Regarding the herpes question: Since I know a bunch of nerds, I know a bunch of polyam people. Two out of that bunch have been, respectively, a passive carrier, and someone with the actual disease. The latter takes it a lot more seriously than the former -- avoids the bedroom if they feel even slightly unwell in the "I might be getting a cold" low-key way, takes their meds, etc. The former gives no, er... scratch that, he gives fucks like they were Halloween candy, but refuses to wear condoms. He is a doctor.

I feel like no matter how well-intentioned the people involved, things are going to go fucky (no pun intended) on someone's part. I know a very nice lady who was dating a fairly gross guy in terms of his lifestyle -- chainsmoker, alcoholic, ate his way back to 400 lbs after gastric bypass, but just smart and charismatic enough to keep insecure nerdy girls' interest. Guy decides to start dating another woman also, which is totally okay with Original Girlfriend. In fact, it becomes more than okay with OG, because she and New Girl quickly fall for each other. Since they were having feelings of Twoo Wuv in all directions, this group decided on a threesome.

As OG told it, afterwards she and NG were cuddling when it occurred to them that Guy had disappeared from his bedroom for an oddly long time. They went looking for him and discovered him gleefully messaging his college BFF about how he'd just had a threesome. Needless to say, there was no more of that. I can't remember, but I think the women lasted longer together than either of them did with the guy, partly because his alcoholism was going off the chain about then. How odd that a guy who had to have all the women, food, and cigarettes had to have all the alcohol, too. It's almost like there was a pattern... but that's probably just me being unwoke or something.
 
NobleGreyHorse said:
Regarding the herpes question: Since I know a bunch of nerds, I know a bunch of polyam people. Two out of that bunch have been, respectively, a passive carrier, and someone with the actual disease. The latter takes it a lot more seriously than the former -- avoids the bedroom if they feel even slightly unwell in the "I might be getting a cold" low-key way, takes their meds, etc. The former gives no, er... scratch that, he gives fucks like they were Halloween candy, but refuses to wear condoms. He is a doctor.
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Well that's one ass I would certainly like to kick. I just realized that I'm not good enough friends with anyone that would tell me if they had herpes. Kinda want to keep it that way.
 
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scared sheep said:
:offtopic:Only serious, I play for keeps, I guess.:offtopic:

It really seems that way. What attracts them to reddit?
Click to expand...

A community of like minded individuals is a hell of a drug.

Combine it with instantaneous "in-group" scoring (both by post and by total) and you have the ability for any group to rapidly fetishize their beliefs.

Crunchy Leaf said:
o here I am, 6 months pregnant and beyond emotionally fucked. I know this is mostly my fault. I know I'm going to end up hurting one of the men I love even more. But I don't know what to do. My partner and I have been through so much together, and this time around he finally seems committed to making it work. Says he does want to build a life with me, get married and have kids. We're scheduled to go to couples therapy. Part of my issue with him is in the bedroom though. For the past year+ I haven't been able to get wet, and no longer feel any passion or drive to be intimate with him. My desire for my child's father, however, is out of this world. We connected on such a deep level... Spiritually, physically and emotionally. Plus we are now bonded for life by this baby. But IDK if that's a stable enough relationship to build a life on. Even though at this point he has a year clean, any addict can relapse and it's scary.
Click to expand...

So close to a revelation and then veers right back off the track...
 
Ctrl+Alt+Rt said:
"Wasn't my place to intervene" - dude she's your wife and some other guy is blastin rope in her. That's exactly the kind of scenario you're entitled to intervene in.

I love how in every story where people pursue their poly lifestyle 'sexuality':
a) at least one if not more participants become miserable and too depressed to function
b) lots of tears, usually alone in a locked bathroom, hotel room, or empty marital bedroom
c) they become less attracted to their 'primary partner' in comparison, no longer have sex with them
d) "unintentional" pregnancy with sidepiece complicating everything, tearing marriage apart
e) it leads to drug or alcohol abuse
f) one partner (usually the guy) can't find anyone to date while the other blithely leaves em home alone to go out with sidepieces
g) feeling extreme jealousy while trying to suppress it and feeling bad and "unsupportive" for feeling it, turning anger inward into depression and self-loathing
h) 'unicorn' triangle girl of their dreams turns out to be manipulative and tries to drive a wedge between them because the only kind of person who'd fuck two married people is either not all there mentally or is trying to break up the marriage to snag one of them herself
i) they put their pursuit of shiny new sex above the happiness of their partner and children
j) someone runs off with their sidepiece and forms a monogamous relationship

Sometimes I wonder if polyamory is just a form of sexual sadism & masochism.
Click to expand...
TBH, I think it's basically just the same as having an affair - a relationship gets stale and a person wants a fling to liven things up. The mistake the poly crowd make is thinking that by being open about the whole thing, it'll feel like less of a betrayal. Which, of course, it won't. In some ways, I think it's worse than having an affair, in that your partner is hurt from the start - at least with an affair there's a chance of keeping it secret.

It's weird. The ability to talk about your relationship problems with your partner is a good thing, but then the poly crowd go off the rails and pick the dumbest solution possible.
 
Tragi-Chan said:
It's weird. The ability to talk about your relationship problems with your partner is a good thing, but then the poly crowd go off the rails and pick the dumbest solution possible.
Click to expand...

We have a winner.

In a broader sense this seems to afflict a lot of these "alternative" sexuality communities. "I don't feel completely masculine? Better chop my frank and beans off!", etc. People are so afraid of facing harsher realities and working through problems that they're thinking up increasingly exceptional ways to get around those problems.

I had to watch my parents go through marriage counseling at one point. And communication was one of the biggest issues between them. But they worked to improve it, and everyone's lives in our family improved. But polyamory I guess provides instant gratification and comfort for impulsive dipshits.
 
Crunchy Leaf said:
The following is long which is why it is spoilered.

Bear with me, please. There's a lot to this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. As in any relationship, we've had or fair share of issues that we've had to overcome. About a year into dating, we were living together and exploring sexuality. We began sleeping with other people, but always together. We are both bisexual so this included men and women, and he is heavily kinky. He also suffers from depression, and as a result of that there were times he became very distant and emotionally unavailable. About 2.5 years in he actually broke up with me, saying that he wasn't in love with me and never would be. This lasted about 2 weeks before we ended up repairing things.

As our relationship started to progress, I began to ask about the future (marriage, kids, etc) but he was unable to commit. Kids he was on the fence about, but leaned towards not wanting them. At around our 4 year mark, I started to crave more than just one night stands with random people and we found a girlfriend first followed by a boyfriend. This all went okay for a little less than a year, but things fell apart because the gf was manipulative and intentionally driving wedges between us, and then the new bf relapsed on heroin.

My long term partner cut him out of his life, and insisted that I do the same. However... During my partners emotional distancing, I fell very hard for our new boyfriend. I didn't want to abandon him like that, and said so. This created an even bigger rift between my partner and I. We started arguing more and drifted further apart. I became sort of fixated on whether or not we would be progressing as a couple. One day, we sat down to talk about our relationship and I asked him (again) if he EVER wanted kids, and he told me no. As much as it hurt, we wanted to pursue different paths in life so I moved out.

Shortly after moving out, I reconnected with our ex-bf. After 2 months my ex-partner and I tried to get back together again, and when it didn't work that time around, I decided to pursue things further with the bf. We started being intimate and in about a month and a half, I got pregnant. I panicked, as I wasn't even at the point where I was ready to call him my bf again coupled with his addiction, but we decided to try to make things work. Just because things weren't complicated enough, my ex-partner reached out to me again and I told him about the situation expecting he would never want to speak to me again. Initially he was angry but ultimately he still asked me to come back and raise the baby together. I decided the baby's father and I needed to give things a shot, but I was so emotional and unstable I couldn't put in the necessary effort. After a few too many arguments, baby's father and I stopped talking for around a month. At this point I decided to try to work things out with my ex-partner again....again... But no matter what I did I was miserable. When I was with one I missed the other. I felt incomplete without them both. So in a short-lived whirlwind of craziness, the three of us tried to be together again. It was wonderful for about a week before baby's father pulled out, saying he couldn't be in that type of relationship and he wanted US to be together and be a family.

So here I am, 6 months pregnant and beyond emotionally fucked. I know this is mostly my fault. I know I'm going to end up hurting one of the men I love even more. But I don't know what to do. My partner and I have been through so much together, and this time around he finally seems committed to making it work. Says he does want to build a life with me, get married and have kids. We're scheduled to go to couples therapy. Part of my issue with him is in the bedroom though. For the past year+ I haven't been able to get wet, and no longer feel any passion or drive to be intimate with him. My desire for my child's father, however, is out of this world. We connected on such a deep level... Spiritually, physically and emotionally. Plus we are now bonded for life by this baby. But IDK if that's a stable enough relationship to build a life on. Even though at this point he has a year clean, any addict can relapse and it's scary.

Both of them are fully aware of how I feel, and both of them want to be with me. At this point I just don't know what to do. If you read all of this, thank you, and any guidance is appreciated. I feel so lost and almost too depressed to function lately...

Idk if it's relevant, but I'm 29/F, partner is 36/M, childs father is 34/M.

TL;DR I'm torn between my baby's father and my long term live together boyfriend after our poly relationship ended.
Click to expand...

Why not just abort it? Did she just not think of that?
 
I know a poly chick, she has a talent for making the people around her miserable. She's a short, fat, dangerhair hipster with a rich dad and the most condescending attitude i've ever encountered in a person. Her long-time BF looks like AIDS Skrillex without a chin and is clearly a massive cuck. She sleeps around, gets into 'cuddle piles' on a gross mattress in their communal living room and has no qualms about fucking friends' exes on the rebound. Not the worst example, but she fits the type on this thread to a T.
 
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