Obscure Laughingstocks - Lolcows without substantial online presence.

[MysticMisty]

Does anyone want to see what r/atheism would look like if it was a jogging kikefag?

https://youtube.com/watch?v=y6rCbqpq6d0

That red face is magnificent. So is the crowd recording his tantrum.

 

[Silver]

My favorite Not-A-Lolcow Lolcow of all time: Myles Bukrim, aka ShadowOfMyles, once the biggest name in the Super Mario 64 and Mario Kart 64 challenge communities. I say "once" because of two things: 1) just as time goes on, these types of communities see less action from old names and more action from new people that are more popular in different circles, and 2) it was discovered earlier this year that his 17-minute 16-star run of Super Mario 64, at the time a world record and considered to be one of the bigger feats in SM64 gaming, was faked.

It's one of those stories where those two distinctive parts that come together in order to create the fantastic whole. Trying to figure out the best way to weave these two parts together is tricky. I'll do my best to make it an interesting tale, especially for those of you who don't pay attention to the communities of SM64 and MK64 (or have never played those games). It's a bit text-wally, but I think it's kind of absolutely hilarious and I'd recommend you (yes, you!) to read it if you're into such things.

Here's a little bit of bait to convince you to read: He claims he understood that he needed to address his cheating when an "antelope of death" appeared to him in a dream. I am not making this up.

Spoiler: long

The first thing I need to discuss is the relevance of Myles. I've been on-and-off following bits of the SM64, though not so much the MK64 community. Some cursory research on the biggest Mario Kart 64 fansite, mariokart64.com, shows that he is ranked very highly on the shortcut circuit, 7th worldwide for combined shortcut times and with the majority of his shortcut times still in the single-digits, even to the point of still holding records on three specific categories/courses. His non-shortcut times are less impressive given the rank he's in, but you'll notice that the overwhelming majority of his non-shortcut times have the "God" standard. The standards page shows that the God ranking is basically saying that the time in question was exceptionally, impressively good. I don't know enough about MK64 to know how truly impressive these times are, but the fact of the matter is that the MK64 knows what they're doing, and rated him accordingly. I know just from osmosis that he was responsible for discovering many a shortcut and time-saver. On David Wonn's site, an old-ass video game glitches/tricks site that is eternally mired in the early 2000s and indeed hasn't been updated since 2006, a special page dedicated to MK64 (as David Wonn was a dedicated Karter himself) discusses time-saving tricks and glitches. Under one exceptionally awesome trick (skipping a significant portion of Rainbow Road), Wonn said that "Many notable karters have accomplished this amazing feat, including Davey Alseike, Alex Penev, Myles Bukrim, Steven Zwartjes, Ben Miller, David Wonn, Mike Simmons, and Greg Ihnatenko." So we know just from looking that Myles was a significant player in MK64.

In Super Mario 64, he is similarly lauded as being one of the best players. On the Records page of sm64.com (a similarly outdated site, though it was updated this year to discuss the allegations of Myles cheating and I know the site creator is still somewhat active in the SM64 community), he shows up a hell of a lot as holding, or being tied for, several records. He shows up many times on the fastest star times record and, indeed, in 2008, the person who runs this site lauded him publicly on the front page, when Myles' speedrun was made public:
"Last month the legendary Myles Bukrim completed an amazingly clean 16-star run, finishing the entire game (from first gaining control of Mario to Bowser's final star) in a mere seventeen and a half minutes. [...]

[...] Thus, Myles' video beats the fastest available video by a minute and a half. Star choices and times for various videos are available on this page, including an old run Myles himself made in 2005.

We've already seen how Myles dominates the races, but his star times are also top notch and on the last update he passed Thiago in our points ranking. Congratulations Myles!"

Also in about 2006-7, the SM64 community on GameFAQs (which was at the time one of the bigger SM64 communities) hosted a Video Quiz, where one user issued challenges to members, who had to upload videos of them performing these feats to Youtube. The quiz lasted something like two years, and one of the principle ideas was "anyone can participate in any video, people can join late if they want, drop out, etc". For a long time the lead was held by Youtube LPer BikdipOnABus, mostly due to him being a long-term member of GameFAQs and therefore entering the contest early on, as well as consistently uploading videos every week. But when Myles entered the game much later, he did very, very well at every task he entered, often winning the timed ones and getting points for completing the others. He slowly crept up to Bikdip in points before finally surpassing him at the tail end of the game. The final scores were Myles with 6478 points, and Bikdip with 6416 - a difference of less than 100 points, but a difference nonetheless, and a very significant difference considering how long Bikdip had been in the game compared to Myles.


With all this in mind, the million-dollar question becomes: If he's such a talented player, why did Myles cheat on the speedrun?

The exact form that the cheating took was documented in this Reddit post. Basically, he spliced together two videos at a point where Mario wasn't on screen and the music had temporarily faded out, thus making it difficult to tell that the splice had taken place. (If you look at the rest of the reddit post and some comments, you can see exactly how devastating this was to people who had lauded Myles and his for-a-long-time-world-record run for the six years since it had been uploaded.)

But the splicing point is... questionable, at best. For anyone here who doesn't know the dynamics of the game, the 16-star speedrun is a glitch speedrun where Mario collects only 16 stars instead of the 70 he normally needs to beat the game. He needs 70 stars because of overworld doors in his way that won't open unless he has specific amounts of stars, and the final staircase to Bowser loops endlessly unless you have 70 stars. Due to the flawed nature of collision detection and an oversight in Mario's jump physics, it's possible to use glitches to push Mario through the doors he should otherwise be trapped at, and bypass the loop point on the so-called "endless" stairs. It's 16 stars because this is the minimum you can have and still be "able" to beat the game through glitches. So you'd think since these glitches are very important to the execution of a 16-star run, that the splice would be maybe in the middle of the run? No... rather, the splice is as Myles enters the very first level. There's a common speedrun glitch before he gets to the first level that makes it take 20 seconds from when you can control Mario to when he enters the level instead of 40. Like, seriously, there is not enough material prior to the splice to make it worth anyone's while. And considering the context of when this run was released - it was a full minute and a half faster than the at-the-time-fastest 16-star runs. So even if Myles had trouble with either side of the splice enough to warrant doing the splice in the first place, why should he, when he would still have been faster than either of the world record times available then?

The answer is what, in my eyes, makes Myles a lolcow.

The Mario Kart 64 forum (of the mariokart64.com website mentioned earlier) discovered the splice with this post, made earlier this year. I'm not going to make you read through pages of small font and SM64 sperging to find the results, but the general reaction is "If it's true, that's really sad." and "I'd like to hear how Myles defends this." There is one post by someone that strikes me as interesting, here:

Did Myles ever explain his whole side of the controversy yet? I mean, am I the only one who sees that as a big deal?

I liked Myles, but I have to admit now looking back it kind of makes sense. Just how he presents himself in videos and such, I find it hard to explain. Being that I'm a psychic by profession, I inadvertently practice a lot of "rogue psychology" and have gotten more than adept at picking up on peoples' nuances. Thinking about it, maybe I'm making the connection after hearing the accusation, but it seems to line up fairly well. Does anyone else understand what I'm getting at? Just his propensity to aggrandize himself, it's very out of place from others in his league.

Funny, now that I think about it, it's really not that hard to make a run like that. Just do 100 practice runs and cut together the best bits and pieces. Makes me want to do it just to see how close I can get to the WR. Of course I'm not the type who would get anything but a guilty conscience from claiming it to be anything other than what it was, I'd still find it fun and good practice if nothing else.

I'm really disappointed though. Myles is a guy I've always felt was good deep down despite all his offsetting nuances. Maybe there's more to it I'm not seeing. Set the record straight, Bukrim!

(The SC WR History will sure be rewritten if this turns out to be true..)

The "psychic" shit is not interesting to me. But he is onto something with his assessment of how Myles presents himself in videos. (Myles made a lot of videos showcasing new strategies in both MK64 and SM64.) He doesn't commentate or anything, he just does the videos, but one thing that always bothered me was the fact that he has this flashy, obnoxious little intro (you can see that here) to his videos, despite it just being... a fan thing... videos of a game. This was in an age before LPs had taken off and these kinds of video intros were common. Let me state, too, that one reason for its bothering me was the fact that he included this intro in nearly every video he did for the video quiz. A video quiz, where timing is everything on half the videos. It just struck me as unnecessarily pretentious, like "oh, I'm not gonna bother giving you a video that's easily time-able because it includes ONLY the quiz material, you get to time it yourself, quiz-maker " and even in 2008 when I was a 13-year-old Silver following the video quiz in real time this bothered me immensely. So I totally get what this guy is saying about the way Myles presents himself. And, indeed, he'd turn out to be onto something.

Some people in the comments argue that Myles never presented his run as "single-segment" (i.e. recorded in one sitting). But someone brings up the following comment by Myles on another forum:

Well, I lost two runs on the last Bowser throw. Those were two of the most frustrating experiences of my gaming career. I sat the controller down gently to keep from breaking it and breathed slowly until I calmed down enough to turn the TV and N64 off and walk away with some sanity regained. Then I waited a good week or so both times before trying again. Needed some time for the pain to subside, of course.

So Myles was intentionally deceiving people by presenting everything as if he had done the run single-segment, as the entire speedrun community interpreted it. What does he have to say on the matter?

Three weeks after the news broke: he breaks radio silence in the SM64 thread to say the following:

A quick response to break the ice:

On January 16, Mark Jones was kind enough to inform me of the Super Mario 64 allegations brought against my 16 star run. I knew people would talk about this, but I thought this was the only video in question.

This morning, I checked my facebook and learned that people here were questioning my integrity in "other games". I worked today, so this is the first opportunity that I've had to address this as I didn't realize I was being questioned for anything else.

This weekend, I'll have more time to provide a detailed response. Normally, I would not address a crowd, but you guys are discussing this in a rational manner. I tend to receive the mob treatment most other places on the internet, so I prefer not to discuss sensitive topics there.

See you on Saturday.

Notice the "I tend to receive the mob treatment most other places on the internet". I don't know what these places are, but it just reminds me of the old adage, "if you meet a jerk in the morning, you met a jerk. If you meet jerks all day long, you're the jerk". What the hell could he have to say that gets him the mob mentality? He's a speedrunner, and we all kind of expect them to be a little autistic. But he's also fantastically talented and has garnered respect on GameFAQs and this here Mario Kart 64 forum because of it. Plus, he's an old user of the internet, having been active since like 2004; you'd think after 11+ years (many more, I believe) you would know how to not be ganged up on on the Internet. I did. So how might Myles be drawing negative attention to himself?

Notice also Myles' excessively flashy signature, with a big-ass banner advertising his common handle. This falls in line with his flashy intro to his videos, and becomes kind of part of a bigger picture later on in this story.

The following day, after this, he posted with a slightly more in-depth explanation on the allegations that he shouldn't be trusted in regards to his Mario Kart records because, quote, "I would argue that I am the most proven Mario Kart 64 player in this place." Again, let that set the tone.

Another commenter makes a reasonable argument calling out Myles' fallacy in his post:

EDIT: Before I forget, you said nothing up until this point because you didn't think this accusation would affect your standing in other games you play, and maybe it won't, but did you really think that this board would simply let a cheating accusation on one of the site's most well respected players simply fall by the wayside? And that just because it wouldn't affect your kart standing mean that addressing the issue isn't important? There's no way that would happen.

In Myles' next post, he admits to cheating. His admission also comes with some several... interesting facts...

This is the only time I've ever cheated for a competitive website. Not that I expect anyone to believe that, but it's true. I don't even know what alcohol tastes like. I've never smoked and I've never done drugs. I'm a 30 year-old virgin. I've never even kissed a girl. I went all the way through college and graduated cum laude without cheating a single time... but I did cheat in a video game once

Uh... huh. I don't disbelieve you, but... well... this confirms the "autistic sperg with no life outside video games" theory.

He continues with his justification for cheating:

As this discussion continues, I will get into more specifics. I uploaded a ton of SM64 videos to youtube from May 2007 to May 2008. I set 63 consecutive single star WRs during that time. I saw a number of fatal signs that cheating was growing out of control in this game and finally accepted that I had wasted my time playing as the champion from 1999 to 2008. Finally, my heart for this game shattered within my rib cage never to be repaired and I gave in to what so many others were doing.

As someone who looks at a lot of SM64 content on Youtube and elsewhere, I have not noticed these "fatal signs". Outside excessive amount of glitches, cheating is basically impossible in Super Mario 64, and the fact that Myles' run stood uncontested for 6 years is a testament to how it's so difficult nobody even bothered to think that he had. So, what the fuck? What signs of cheating was he seeing? He never expanded on this and the world doesn't fucking know, and it's just a useless excuse because it doesn't have any basis in reality.

As people respond saying that they've lost respect for him, Myles makes his fourth post to claim he's never playing video games ever again and DRAMATICALLY puts a big fat red X through his signature banner. So you've got a little bit of a drama queen/attention whore complex going on here. But believe me, Kiwis, the rabbit hole goes far deeper. User wheatrich puts it best in his response to this post:

I am leaning towards not ever playing a video game competitively again and having all records removed (mario kart 64 included). I think it's best.

in case you haven't realized it yet, you are the only one that thinks this.

He makes a quick post to basically show he's alive and he'll be back "next weekend" to discuss the allegations in more detail. User no control responds in a pretty honest manner:

But what is happening here...this topic is complete BS. Myles cheated, wants to make a dramatic exit and everyone are begging him to stay....how we people work, it is amazing.

1. Myles got caught (he confessed nothing).
2. Evidence is there, all he can do is CONFIRM.
3. Life story + wannabe dramatic exit.
4. People saying at least he confessed (no he didn't, HE WAS CAUGHT), bagging him to stay.
5. Delaying to explain the situation.

This has all the elements of BS story.

When Myles returns, his justification is nothing short of beautiful. It's too long for me to quote. You really have to take my word for it and read it yourself. Some choice passages:

Immediately after that post, I deleted my forum account and became Ex Member Myles. I don't know whether it was a dream, vision, or something that actually happened, but God did light up the sky and speak to me. Then, I became as large as the universe and hovered in blackness, seeing all of the stars. This took place in the AM hours of January 23rd 2003. Seems more like a dream/vision, doesn't it? That's fine. I'm willing to concede that after all these years.

Wait, what the actual FUCK IS THIS NONSENSE?

This, friends, is where Myles is confirmed in Kiwi as a lolcow. He's nothing short of horribly delusional.

The post he mentions is part of a topic he posted (and linked to) in 2007 where he gets all butthurt about something or other and makes a dramatic exit from the community. You don't have to read it now. I'll discuss it once I'm done dissecting this 2015 post. (This is, incidentally, why I called Myles' story two-part: the 2007 crazy and the 2015 crazy are two separate but related things.)

Immediately after deleting my forum account, I looked myself in the mirror and said:

"These people do not have enough respect for you. Leave this place, become legendary, and cheat. Cheat in such a way that you become more and more legendary off of the false video. Then, return to this place and maybe someday you can realize your goal of having your times removed."

Completely, utterly delusional and full of himself. Despite the fact that he could easily have practiced hard enough to make the 16-star video legit by real means. But no, he had to cheat in order to be respected. What in the unholy name of fuck is the thought process here?

That was the only time God spoke to me, but since then I've had countless dreams/visions of myself flying through the sky and dominating the Earth like a super hero. I've even had a few dreams of myself flying out of the atmosphere into darkness. Beginning last year, I started to have dreams with evil creatures following me up into the sky. Just one week before caivs discovered the splices, I had a dream where I took flight over a field. A creature ascended toward me from the nearby forest. As the creature approached, I looked at it and said:

"Ah, the antelope of death. It's because I cheated in Super Mario 64. This will need to be addressed soon."

THE FUCKING ANTELOPE OF DEATH
If you take nothing else out of this tl;dr post, take that. It's amazing. It's ridiculous. It's beautiful.

That brings us to the present time. I do have to admit, I wasn't expecting to get caught. I thought I would be making a confession soon.

Sure you were.

How many people believe all that stuff I just said, anyway? Probably no one. Ok, so I'm "crazy" and I cheated. Let's start removing the times, like, now. I graduated from college because I had to. I may go back and get a PhD because I might feel that I have to. I am working at the best company in my city because I have to work and it's the best way to do that. I'm single and have no kids, but I visit with my family. Sure, I love them, but you also feel a sense of obligation there. Otherwise, I am going to share these extreme experiences of mine and find out who believes and who doesn't. If I only have one friend out of 7 billion plus people, that's fine because I have heaven later on.

Cheating was still stupid and a sin at that. I was wrong to do it. In no way do I condone my action and I do not encourage anyone else to do the same. I felt bad joining this place October 4th 1998, but I did it anyway. I was suicidal the whole time I climbed the charts during the next few months. I could've been Martin McMullan. On May 31st 1999, I became a Christian and it saved me. I always wished I could've became a Christian first because I never would've had any desire to join this place.

So... he's a Christian... and this fucks up his life and makes cheating a sin... I don't... what?

(For reference: Martin McMullan was a Karter who committed suicide, from what I can tell)

In response:

wtf did I just read

Thank you, Yoshistar.

Utterly baffling. Its like Myles took his life cues from a Kate Bush song.

And you, Zarkov!

ok so myles is insane
carry on
Seriously man offending everyone on this site with things that sure sound like I wished I never came here is beyond ridiculous.

You too, wheatrich.

As you can see, the community did not take kindly to Myles'... whatever the fuck that was. But they really didn't take too well to his 2007 post, either. Let's look at that one now.

Here is the post. It's ridiculously tl;dr and fucking worth it. I mean, when your introduction is:

I'm not one of you. And what I mean is, I don't care about this video gaming lifestyle as much as any of you. I care about it the least of everyone here. I'm sure of it. I've been around long enough to know.

You gotta know that's gold from the moment you see it. Like in a "why the fuck does this matter, are you THAT MUCH of a self-important ass" kind of way. Let's see what this is all about, shall we?

I look at the leaderboards though, all the other top players devote a large part of their lives to the game. Several hours a day to get there. It takes a lot of emotions and sacrifices to get near the top of these leaderboards. It becomes one of your main drives in life.

Not for me though. In fact, I've sacrificed basically nothing at all. The friends I have outside of my house, even the people inside of my house, my family, they look at me and see a guy who spends a lot of his time studying for college and doing well on exams, as he should. I sleep 7 or 8 hours a night, I am always healthy and rested. My muscles are defined, I exercise daily and play basketball several days a week. I'm on my way to getting a well-paying job and no one outside of my house, no one, not even my own parents, see my playing video games or communicating with anyone here ever.

So... are you just claiming that you're naturally one of the most talented MK64 players to ever exist? I don't deny that people can be talented at video games in the same way as anything else, but this just reeks of sneering condescension toward the obsessive community.

You people don't like the direction this is going. You are offended presuming that I am in the process of insulting your lifestyle. I'm not.

Many of you will get well-paying jobs as well and I'm happy for you. This community and playing the video games devotedly has many positives for you and I believe this is a place you are meant to be. I look at you all with a smile and no objections toward you. Make no changes and continue to live this way with my approval.

... Even if you try to deny it.

I spend time with these people and I sacrifice myself to make them as happy as I can in return...while I'm not studying for school or praying to God. Occasionally, a girl will approach me timidly take a bold step for her. She'll ask me if I ever think about giving up school and getting a local job and my own apartment...if I ever think about going out with her, having sex with her (really, it has happened many times), spending my life with her.

I don't like to say no to anyone, but when people ask me to do what God doesn't want me to do, I have to. And thats what I do, I tell the girl that I can't do what she is asking me. Though she continues to insist and beg of me, I never give in to this kind of request.

Wait, what?

So yeah. Myles is a ridiculously, amazingly delusional Christian. And don't get me wrong, I may be an atheist, but that's not why I have a problem with the way he approaches his religion. It's just far too much. And it manifests in the weirdest fucking ways:

I play basketball and make plays that cause the guys I'm playing with to say, "He never misses. He's perfect. He's Jesus." Stuff like that. It's been hard for me to handle the comparison to Jesus I've received so often. It's not true. I'm not that good. I've sinned before and Jesus doesn't sin.

I just... there are no words. I couldn't stop laughing at this when I first saw it. (I also can't buy that he's crazy perfect talented at basketball and video games!!)

On MK64:

While I play time trials, I stop every 20 minutes to read a bible verse and pray to God to make sure that there is nothing else He wants me to do at the time instead of playing the game. If nothing comes to mind, I continue playing.

Let me repeat this:

While I play time trials, I stop every 20 minutes to read a bible verse and pray to God to make sure that there is nothing else He wants me to do at the time instead of playing the game. If nothing comes to mind, I continue playing.

To quote my best friend when I told her about this: "I DON'T THINK GOD CARES ABOUT YOU PLAYING MARIO KART" and that basically sums up how I see it. I just can't fathom that someone is like this.

I think of an idea. I play another 20 minutes. I read another bible verse and pray again. Then, before I know it, boom I have a world record. Quite an accident. I'm just killing an hour or two and out of nowhere I get a world record. Haven't played a video game in a few months, and I set a world record in an hour or two. This has happened more often than I can count. It's unbelievable.

He's right about it being unbelievable, no arguments there

I think about keeping the world record a secret. I think to myself, "Maybe it would've been better for me to never join the kart community. Afterall, I don't deserve the respect I get from these people because I don't play enough or commit myself enough to the game or the community. I don't deserve any positive words I get from these people."

[...]

Keeping my new world record a secret would be bad though. Hoarding world records is a crime. So I email the world record as I'm supposed to. I listen to all the people congratulating me, though I only play once a month for an hour or two, it was nothing, it was easy. It would be rude for me to tell these people congratulating me how easy it is, wouldn't it? Would it make me seem like I'm a far superior person than almost everyone in the community? That I could never commit myself at all and climb so high up the leaderboard this way? I politely thank everyone and pretend it was difficult.

This has gone on for so many years. It is bad of me to let it continue this way for so long.

The moral dilemmas of Mario Kart 64, folks.

I sign on AIM and MSN simultaneously. Next thing I know, my screen is filled with 10 conversation windows. 9 of the people are gamers, bothering me senseless. The other window is the girl in my neighborhood who cried on my shoulder when her cat ran away a few years ago, who wants to talk to me now about meeting her some place later on so we can hang out for a while or watch a movie together. She wonders why I'm so slow to respond to her IMs. I feel awful. I really want to be with her instead. She makes me feel like an amazing person. I wish I wasn't expected to talk to so many people online after setting an effortless world record. I don't want this lifestyle. Being outside of my house with people who tell me how special I am is far more important to me.

I thought you didn't want to be with girls? Also, "being [...] with people who tell me how special I am is far more important". Huh. So you're admitting you just want a bunch of ass-kissers?

Also:

Kart doesn't make me sexy and girls love me way more when I'm not playing and living this lifestyle.

He's misogynistic too (in that "girls don't appreciate gamers" way)!!! Gotta love it.

I declare a fake retirement from video games at this moment. I throw my cartridge in the river. And do something irrational and rude on this message board that hurts some innocent victim who has no idea what my problem is.

This is an anecdote. He threw his cartridge of Mario Kart 64 in a river because it hurt his life. This guy is gold.

But I'm not one of you. I don't believe in the kart bible. I get my chicks without playing kart, so kart=chicks doesn't mean anything to me, but for you, I'm glad that so many of you adopt kart=chicks. This is something you spend a lot of time doing and it is a great freedom as I said earlier. The atmosphere here is wonderful as are its people. Kart can equal chicks, think about it rationally people. Think about all the kinds of chicks in the world and what their common interests are in a guy. Think about the reasons why she would prefer a gamer over the other kinds of guys available on the market. Tell the chicks what the pros are of being like yourself and prepare yourself to be up a good argument against any cons the chicks might present.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHICKS????
Also I just love how this (and subsequent responses to this part of the post) assumes there's no girls on the Internet, in gaming, or on the MK64 forum. Which is hilarious to me as a girl who plays video games and played MK64 a shitton as a kid. I have nothing but respect for the people who are this feverishly devoted to their games, honestly. You know, when they don't cheat and talk about God not wanting them to play video games.

I wanted to clear things up and I'm sorry I acted like I belonged here.

My local friends would put my name in a search engine to see what came up, and I was all over the video gaming web sites. They were like WTF? It put me in the weirdest situations.

They treated me like I was uncool for a minute. Then I reminded them how well I do in school, I workout and I'm there for them, and there is not really any time for me to be a gamer anyway. I only play once or twice a month I tell them and they realize I'm telling the truth because there really isn't any more time than that in my life.

What the fuck are these friends

But the kart=chicks part, I'm not one of you guys. I get my chicks by looking sexy and playing basketball and spending time with them. You guys know how to answer this question better than I do.

dyign

C'mon though fellas, I'm routing for you here. Defend yourselves on this one. Spend some meditation time, I'm sure this kart=chicks equation can work for you. come up with a game plan for your life, so way that you can approach the girl you want and tell her how great this is. Make this a reality. Talking about chicks is one thing, getting them is another. Anyone who can spend this much time committed to gaming and get the goals they want can easily commit themselves to a girl and make the relationship work. Ever tried putting your arm around a girl and karting at the same time? When you're doing SCs that involve lakitu picking you up, take a second to make some quick 3 to 4 second love with you girl and redirect your focus on the TV screen as lakitu puts you down.

DYIGN there is SO much sexism here it's amazing

That's basically as much of his post as is interesting enough to post here. Now, I'm going through the comments to get to the rest of the hilarity in this thread. Before I get there there's a shitton of hilarious sexism and general out-of-touch-with-the-gaming-demographic from the other users that you can see for yourself if you really want to

(there is this money quote though:

Some girls even played kart when they were young.

)

User Michael F responds to Myles with some excellent points:

Comparing your gaming skills, sports skills, or any kinds of skills to Jesus is completely pointless. Jesus never played basketball. He never played Mario Kart. He lived 2000 years ago, so his life was completely different than any of our lives. Whether or not you've sinned before has nothing to do with how good you are at basketball. I'd be rather offended if someone saw me playing Mario Kart and told me I was as good as a guy who never played the game.

I think this obsession you have with Jesus is hurting you more than it's helping you. Praying to Jesus all the time isn't gonna improve the quality of your life, and Jesus isn't going to tell you what you want out of life, you have to figure that out on your own. Just accept that you have a gift and take advantage of it. Accept that you can do things that most people can't. Are you on your college's basketball team? Have you ever tried out for the NBA? If all your friends think you're so amazing at basketball, then you're playing basketball with the wrong people. You should be setting high goals for yourself.

[...]

If you can't even go out with girls, then maybe you should start looking for a new religion.

[...]

So now video games are something to be ashamed of? If they try to make you feel bad for playing video games then maybe you should find new friends. Even if it's true that you don't play often anymore, you shouldn't need to say that to convince them that you're cool. What hobbies do your friends have that are so much cooler than video games?

which addresses the condescensions of Myles very well.

Myles' response is pretty uninteresting, but has this paragraph:

But there is a certain part of what you're saying that is useful to me and I'm beginning to realize it lately. To put a lot into just a few words, I'd say that while I respect the supremacy of God & Jesus, I also need to believe in myself to the fullest because I am capable of wonderous things that have not yet taking place due to my own hesitation and silence. As it is, I don't know why, but I'm the guy who stood innocently and watched God part the clouds and come down in glowing light to talk to me, so that should be reason enough for me to strive for excellence in what I do.

(emphasis mine)
So, here he is talking about that experience again. Let me reiterate that this man believes God came down to show him the world as a sign that he would become Moste Excellente. Let that sink in a bit.

Michael F reasonably responded:

That has nothing to do with god...

Clouds blocking the sun = perfectly normal
Clouds moving out of the way = glowing light comes down
Voice talking to you = schizophrenia

But then:

The only thing blocking the sun was the earth and not clouds, since God came down to me in a glowing light at night. Entertaining as it is, I am more than likely to look past any further comments you make Fried, because I have more constructive ideas for myself in mind than carrying on this stalement with you.

ICE BURN
No but seriously what the actual fuck

After Michael F asks further questions to determine if it's schizophrenia, user Camster says "John 1:18 - 'No man has seen God at any time'"
to which Myles responds

That's a good quote.

When God came down, the light was so bright that I was unable to see clearly for the moment, and could only hear God's words and feel His presence.

Edit: And come to think of it, the instant I realized just how bright the light was, I looked away from it for the remainder of the experience figuring that it could blind me.

User Patricio:

oh c'mon Myles.

What your saying is god walks around with a Floodlight at all times so people can't see what he looks like?

Sounds like a load of Bellshit.

Then Myles gets ridiculously defensive:

Well ok. I've said basically all I feel the need to say here unless anyone has any further questions.

It's fine, the majority of people think I'm crazy when I start talking about this experience (along with the other religious experiences I've shared) and I don't have any tangible proof that I indeed have had this experience, so I'm willing to live with the disbelief of others.

There really is no need for me to carry this on anymore though unless there are people who want to hear more. Still I'm thankful to have the opportunity to share my vantage point without taking any serious abuse for it.

No wonder you get the mob treatment elsewhere! You're completely and utterly out of touch with reality!!

Alex Penev (one of the greatest MK64 and to a lesser extent SM64 players around) puts Myles' USI complex best:

God favours some people more than others, obviously. He plays favourites. If you're not one of God's favourites, you're screwed to begin with. And unlike Myles, not all those people he visits were even very religious before he met them. They just all of a sudden had an epiphany and were convinced that being devout is the best way. What better reason than favouritism can you think of for God visiting others and not you?

User PT:

Myles is looking more crazy every post. That book is controlling his life. I did believe in GOD (kinda) , changed my mind now. After reading what Myles has said.

MYLES' INSANITY CAUSED A MEMBER TO QUESTION THEIR RELIGION
If that's not the best thing I don't know what is

After more religious debate between several members, Myles returns:

Well as expected, I've gotten replies on both extremes of the spectrum...some people are really interested and some people are really offended, but that's what I get for making such an extreme topic.

I don't have much time now, but I should say that I also am not sure why God talked to me. I guess I won the spiritual experience lottery on that particular night.

This is just the most ridiculous shit I've ever seen.
Even other Christians are posting that Myles is crazy and giving Christianity a bad name. Which he totally is.

Then he returns with a longer post addressing the bulk of replies and concerns:

I have no one to blame but myself for prolonging my doom in this community.

Throwing a cartridge into a river, fake retirements... things that could've all been avoided had I been as honest as you are. I understand my destiny.

Then, ready to take the beating, I removed the mask on page 2 and waited to be officially thrown out of a community I should have left several years ago.

Wow, you're really full of yourself and completely condescending.

Retiring from Mario Kart 64 is foolish, I've learned how that solves nothing. I will continue to play. My times should be removed from the kart site, but I'm sure they won't since I never cheated and that is the only basis for removal of times.

This. This is the relevant line. In the 2015 post, he discussed how his motivation for cheating was "they wouldn't get rid of my times". But he cheated in SM64 and had records in MK64. He says in the 2015 post that he wanted to become famous enough that the siteowners would respect him. But why does he cheat in an UNRELATED FUCKING GAME, then, when he admits right here that cheating in MK64 would be grounds for getting his times removed? What the actual fuck did he want to accomplish by cheating in SM64???

But anyway, at this point in 2007, he deletes his account and expects to be forcefully, hatefully expelled from the community. Instead he just gets this response that I'd rate Winner if I could especially since it was the first response to his announcement:

Im sorry to say that, but you are acting like a pussy. Come back and just be a fucking member of this community. We all have own opinions, i dont get it why you delete your account now.

Thank you, Drunk Holy Moly.

The overall response is people either a) mock him or b) wonder why the fuck he takes everything so seriously. Some choice comments:

No offense, Myles, but I am seriously concerned about your mental stability

So can someone explain to me the point of this topic? What is Myles trying to achieve?

That is the gayest thing I have ever read.
I actually agree with almost everything Fried has said in this topic.
I hope Myles can be a good soldier in his army for God and that he enjoys further discussions with the flying spaghetti monster.

User Kevin Booth (an old friend of Myles' who knew him a long time before this): I'm sorry to see him go...
User Curtis Bright (the owner of sm64.com and a respected Karter): Why do I get a mental picture of you going down to the river and fishing for Myles' MK64 cartridge?

Kevin Booth: Wouldn't be the first time.

That right there is all that needs to be said. The topic dies anyway a page later after Kevin Booth tries a bit more to rationalize Myles' behavior.

So now with that in mind, we understand a bit of why Myles was such a drama queen that insisted he HAD to cheat at SM64 in the current time frame. Let's go back to the 2015 topic, where Myles has just revealed the "antelope of death" and given the 2007 topic as an explanation for his cheating, and see what he has to say now that he has publicly revealed his reasons and the fucking antelope of death:

User no control says what all of us are thinking:

There was more then enough time to confess if you really felt sorry. I think you are only sorry that you got caught.

And our old friend Michael F creates the best image response ever

And the community starts mocking his virginity in the best way possible:

I'm a 30 year-old virgin. I've never even kissed a girl.

That might have been a spliced run, tho

More quotes:

Myles you're a fucking cheater, just apologize get over it and stop with the weird delusional posts. It's not like sharing any of your silly visions with us is going to change the understandably negative attitude towards cheating this community has

^we need to here more about death antelope!!!!!!!!

The topic basically goes back to normal SM64 sperging after this. But let me just say, if you're getting ruthlessly mocked and called out on your bullshit by a community of speedrunning spergs, you're doing something wrong.

For reference, here is Myles' Youtube account. Notice the video titled "My Dark Secret". I didn't watch it because I don't feel like cringing really hard, and I don't think it has anything to do with the cheating allegations anyway.

The speedrun, before it was taken off SDA because of the cheating, can be found here. Myles does a lot of self-praising in his description/comments on the run and ends with something I guess nobody should be surprised to see:
*Myles praises God & Jesus*

I hope this has been fun and not the most tl;dr thing ever

 

[sparklemilhouse]

I found this today on reddit:

https://m.reddit.com/r/weeabootales/comments/3le7de/white_mtf_thinks_she_is_a_japanese_girl/

 

[ToroidalBoat]

I remember seeing a loud proselytizer on a university campus about a decade ago. This guy was standing in a public space while yelling stuff about sin or hell or something. Someone yelled "shut the fuck up!" at him while walking by. The proselytizer pointed at the guy and yelled back, "you watch your mouth!" before going back to "preaching."

Nowadays, it'd possibly be someone yelling stuff about privilege or pronouns instead.

 

[Tehshigelisok]

I remember seeing a loud proselytizer on a university campus about a decade ago. This guy was standing in a public space while yelling stuff about sin or hell or something. Someone yelled "shut the fuck up!" at him while walking by. The proselytizer yelled back, "you watch your mouth!" before going back to "preaching."

Nowadays, it'd probably be someone yelling stuff about privelege or pronouns.

Similarly, I remember one about 15 years ago. My family and I used to go up to Mackinaw City to walk the Mackinac Bridge, part of which is closed off every Labor Day for the public to walk. At the line for the shuttle buses (buses take people who stay on the Mackinaw City side over to the St. Ignace side so they can walk the bridge back to Mackinaw City), there was a guy with a megaphone and a huge sign saying GOD HATES SINNERS. He said something about "that perverted Star Wars", which ruffled me enough to start heckling him (or as close to heckling as a teenaged assburger could manage) until mom told me to stop.

I remember mom telling me later on that he was from the Church of God of Prophecy, which is very super conservative.

 

[Len Kagamoney]

I wasn't sure where to put YT animator community drama(read: kids making videos about their OCs/Warrior Cats/memes/whatever) so here we go. I was kinda late to find out about it, but a huge chunk of it was left and I couldn't resist sharing it.
What I think has happened is that a tumblrita decided to make a list of problematic animators to avoid who commit crimes such as saying the word "rеtаrd" or make fun of otherkin, and spawned a shitstorm. The list was deleted since then but some vids on the subject, screencaps and a google document made by tumblrita themself are still there.

A problematic video from a problematic animator

Videos+a document: one,two

Screencaps: one, two, three, four

There was a post going around a while ago of a list of "problematic artists"
I've got it right here for you
Some of the reasons are dumb, like "Thinks all opinions are valid"

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

Timbox McKenzie had a horrifying lust for an 11 year old secondary cartoon character:

And, Lucy Liu:

(Skip to 2:06)

Like Chris, he even had his own crappy crossover saga he thought would be big someday. Only, replace Sonichu with a little Asian cartoon girl that he faps to, and the jerkops with dinosaurs:

 

[Lucky Wildcard]

Timbox McKenzie had a horrifying lust for an 11 year old secondary cartoon character:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=R9-F4jUSFqshttps://youtube.com/watch?v=zRoaQdXnUU4https://youtube.com/watch?v=GRlmZBJ9CLw
And, Lucy Liu:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=YTFWGxadHxQ (Skip to 2:06)

Like Chris, he even had his own crappy crossover saga he thought would be big someday. Only, replace Sonichu with a little Asian cartoon girl that he faps to, and the jerkops with dinosaurs:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=4cnPiNNP_N4

He's seriously getting a boner from Lee Lee or something? I could understand finding her cute, but taking it to this level?

 

[lindsayfan]

Like Chris, he even had his own crappy crossover saga he thought would be big someday.

Those first few videos were just creepy as fukk but then the final one with him proclaiming about THE DOWNFALL OF MANDARK and TUNA-KAYA in a stammering autistic Gandalf voice really made it all worthwhile. Great find.

"and the epic saga and... the epic saga... should be name... should be titled, should be named, this."

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

He's seriously getting a boner from Lee Lee or something? I could understand finding her cute, but taking it to this level?

*Sigh* I'm afraid so. I just hope there are no Asian women or girls living in his neighborhood.

Those first few videos were just creepy as fukk but then the final one with him proclaiming about THE DOWNFALL OF MANDARK and TUNA-KAYA in a stammering autistic Gandalf voice really made it all worthwhile. Great find.

"and the epic saga and... the epic saga... should be name... should be titled, should be named, this."

Seriously, even the "epic saga" one had a slight creep factor, when he introduces Lee Lee. But, thanks. The pure autistic fan sperging attempt at drama was fun.

 

[XYZpdq]

I could have sworn that Dexter weirdo had a thread.

 

[AnOminous]

I could have sworn that Dexter weirdo had a thread.

He does.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Bow Beauty 24 drives now. (She's this special needs wanna b guru who acts like she's 15 but really she's pushing 30. ) I'm assuming her dad only lets her drive from work and back. At least I hope so. I could totally see her getting in a texting and driving accident.

It's assumed that her mom stunted her because she homeschooled her and her family are strict bible thumpers. Her brother is also crazy, I wish I had the source right now, but one time he shared on instagram the knife he was going to take to church that day.

 

[Dirty Bird]

Timbox McKenzie had a horrifying lust for an 11 year old secondary cartoon character:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=R9-F4jUSFqshttps://youtube.com/watch?v=zRoaQdXnUU4https://youtube.com/watch?v=GRlmZBJ9CLw
And, Lucy Liu:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=YTFWGxadHxQ (Skip to 2:06)

Like Chris, he even had his own crappy crossover saga he thought would be big someday. Only, replace Sonichu with a little Asian cartoon girl that he faps to, and the jerkops with dinosaurs:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=4cnPiNNP_N4

Wow, I totally forgot about this guy. I always read about him but never actually followed him. Those videos made me cringe, what with the kissing noises and all

I think if that were my kid internet would be banned from my house.

 

[Drawets Rednaxela]

Found an obscure webcomic artist I'm pretty sure is a retard. His handle is Joe Reale and he draws the ugliest furries this side of CWCville.

http://exhentai.org/tag/artist:joe+reale

Replace the 'x' with a hyphen to avoid sad panda.

 

[Tokitae]

Wasn't sure where to put this. I honestly don't remember how I first ran across this person, but they are... something.

Meet stockings300 of deviantart.com (yeah, it's gonna be one of those posts... fair warning, his gallery is a bit NSFW). Also known as the self-proclaimed "Cloth King", he seems to spend most of his time in a morph-suit and stockings, or drawing "living clothing". At first I thought it was just him, but there seem to be other people contributing to this fuckery... unless of course they're... sockpuppets.

His photography section is easily the most bizarre part of his gallery (warning: features lycra-clad boners and general weirdness). I'm honestly not sure if it's funny or terrifying, but... have at it, guys?

 

[Cynosura]

There was a post going around a while ago of a list of "problematic artists"
I've got it right here for you
Some of the reasons are dumb, like "Thinks all opinions are valid"

They're known as Dametora on Deviantart, right? I remember this person.
[edit]They literally did call someone a shitty artist for thinking all opinions are valid oh my god
Well at least Purplekecleon and Tom Preston are there, too.

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

Wasn't sure where to put this. I honestly don't remember how I first ran across this person, but they are... something.

Meet stockings300 of deviantart.com (yeah, it's gonna be one of those posts... fair warning, his gallery is a bit NSFW). Also known as the self-proclaimed "Cloth King", he seems to spend most of his time in a morph-suit and stockings, or drawing "living clothing". At first I thought it was just him, but there seem to be other people contributing to this fuckery... unless of course they're... sockpuppets.

His photography section is easily the most bizarre part of his gallery (warning: features lycra-clad boners and general weirdness). I'm honestly not sure if it's funny or terrifying, but... have at it, guys?

He looks like he's getting ready for a doomed bank robbery or the world's most inappropriate street performance.

 

[neverendingmidi]

Figured this would be the best place to put this...

First off this loon was a senior chief in the US Navy, the second highest enlisted rate. He was also a pathological liar. His many stories included how he owned acres and acres of land in Idaho, had a secret lab there with every possible test equipment in the world (including a particle accelerator), and had built an android that he sent on the ship to do his work sometimes when we were in port. Now, on it's own, being stuck with him as he babbled this idiocy wouldn't be too bad, except he also got pissed off if you challeged him and would force everyone to be silent in revenge. So you learned to humor him and mock him in ways that he didn't notice, which wasn't hard as he didn't seem to grasp sarcasm at all.

Also he was rather unusual in that he had only ever been posted to one ship in his entire career. He would wait, or trade, or bargain just to get sent back to the same ship. I think the rest of the department found him slightly crazy, so they shuffled him off to an IT type division that was just him and one poor junior enlisted gofer to keep him out of the way.

Oh, and this was the Reactor department, i.e. The people in charge of the nuclear reactors on the ship.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

First off this loon was a senior chief in the US Navy, the second highest enlisted rate.

Do we know the same guy? My friends husband is the exact same. Former navy, loud, fabricates stories...

This is one of those eye roll worthy fat girl wears swimsuit blog entries. What makes this lolcow is the comments by the troll "some guy". Just the time he took replying to comment after comment after comment .... Who has that time?

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2012/06/im-proud-of-my-size-sexxxy-fatkini.html?m=1