Original (Archive)
A lot of people, when they hear women — anyone, really, it doesn’t just happen to women, but that’s who I’m focusing on here — talking about their experiences with men who abused/raped them, will immediately respond with “not all men” in some form or another. As if women, talking about the very real abuse and torment they suffered from being abused, assaulted, or raped, do not already know that “not all men” do this sort of thing, and patronizingly just need to be told that it’s “not all men” who do it.
It’s like the ones who say it don’t understand that knowing that it’s “not all men” doesn’t help. It makes it worse. Much worse. Because a lot of the men who do this have learned to present a facade to the world of being “good people”, so women who have something like this happen to them will always, every day of their lives, wonder who will next reveal the truth under their facade.
But there are certain tells women have learned to detect — because, much more often than not, their lives and health depend on it — which help them recognize those for whom it might be a facade. And one of the biggest tells of all is someone saying one of the many variations on “not all men”. If you say this to women you are making it pointedly, abundantly clear to them that you are more concerned about the reputation of men than the well-being of women. Especially if you, yourself, are a man, because then you are effectively telling them that your reputation is more important to you than they are.
So many people get this so terribly, horribly wrong that they make matters far worse than they would otherwise be. Because the way to avoid doing this is surprisingly simple and straightforward. Show, don’t tell.
Don’t tell women that it’s “not all men”. Show them that you are not one of those men who it unquestionably is. The easiest and simplest way to do this is, when faced with something you might feel is critical of “all men”, don’t attempt to challenge it with a “not all men” line because you feel it is not fair to men who don’t do this. Men who don’t do this don’t need you to defend their reputations or anything like that, because they aren’t focused on their reputations and how people think of them to begin with. They just behave like decent human beings — they ask first, take no for an answer, and don’t attempt to cajole or pressure someone who doesn’t want to do something into doing it anyway.
And, if you do feel the impulse to say some variation on “not all men” when you hear women talking about their experiences with men, then you need to ruthlessly squash it and examine the part of yourself which felt the need to offer this non-”defense” to begin with. Because, unpleasant as it is to contemplate, while you yourself may never have committed abuse, violence, or sexual assault against a woman, you probably have done things which contribute to our culture which gives implicit permission to those who do. And if you want to do something about that culture, you have to start with taking a long, hard look at yourself and how you contribute to that culture. Because we all do, to some degree or another, and so it’s how we do that matters, not whether we do.
Do you ask first? Do you accept no for an answer? Do you refrain from putting pressure on someone who’s made their desire clear? Then you’re contributing positively to it. There are other ways to contribute positively too, but those are good starting points if you aren’t already doing them.
A lot of people, when they hear women — anyone, really, it doesn’t just happen to women, but that’s who I’m focusing on here — talking about their experiences with men who abused/raped them, will immediately respond with “not all men” in some form or another. As if women, talking about the very real abuse and torment they suffered from being abused, assaulted, or raped, do not already know that “not all men” do this sort of thing, and patronizingly just need to be told that it’s “not all men” who do it.
It’s like the ones who say it don’t understand that knowing that it’s “not all men” doesn’t help. It makes it worse. Much worse. Because a lot of the men who do this have learned to present a facade to the world of being “good people”, so women who have something like this happen to them will always, every day of their lives, wonder who will next reveal the truth under their facade.
But there are certain tells women have learned to detect — because, much more often than not, their lives and health depend on it — which help them recognize those for whom it might be a facade. And one of the biggest tells of all is someone saying one of the many variations on “not all men”. If you say this to women you are making it pointedly, abundantly clear to them that you are more concerned about the reputation of men than the well-being of women. Especially if you, yourself, are a man, because then you are effectively telling them that your reputation is more important to you than they are.
So many people get this so terribly, horribly wrong that they make matters far worse than they would otherwise be. Because the way to avoid doing this is surprisingly simple and straightforward. Show, don’t tell.
Don’t tell women that it’s “not all men”. Show them that you are not one of those men who it unquestionably is. The easiest and simplest way to do this is, when faced with something you might feel is critical of “all men”, don’t attempt to challenge it with a “not all men” line because you feel it is not fair to men who don’t do this. Men who don’t do this don’t need you to defend their reputations or anything like that, because they aren’t focused on their reputations and how people think of them to begin with. They just behave like decent human beings — they ask first, take no for an answer, and don’t attempt to cajole or pressure someone who doesn’t want to do something into doing it anyway.
And, if you do feel the impulse to say some variation on “not all men” when you hear women talking about their experiences with men, then you need to ruthlessly squash it and examine the part of yourself which felt the need to offer this non-”defense” to begin with. Because, unpleasant as it is to contemplate, while you yourself may never have committed abuse, violence, or sexual assault against a woman, you probably have done things which contribute to our culture which gives implicit permission to those who do. And if you want to do something about that culture, you have to start with taking a long, hard look at yourself and how you contribute to that culture. Because we all do, to some degree or another, and so it’s how we do that matters, not whether we do.
Do you ask first? Do you accept no for an answer? Do you refrain from putting pressure on someone who’s made their desire clear? Then you’re contributing positively to it. There are other ways to contribute positively too, but those are good starting points if you aren’t already doing them.
