Why Polyamory Works So Well for Some People
Outsourcing unmet needs to a secondary partner
Romantic relationships are essential to a healthy lifestyle because they help us meet key psychological needs. Foremost among these, according to York University (Toronto) psychologist Rhonda Balzarini and her colleagues, are eroticism and nurturance.
Eroticism refers to the bodily pleasure of sexual activity. Although the original function of sex is reproduction, in humans it has taken on a much deeper psychological meaning. For us, sex is a social act, a means of connecting on an intimate level with another human being.
In contrast, nurturance refers to the feelings of warmth and closeness that develop when two individuals share a significant portion of their lives together. We need to know there’s someone we can always turn to, someone who’s got our back. Having a significant other in our life is what gives us the strength and courage to go out and face an uncertain world.
In twenty-first century Western society, the only generally accepted route to meeting our eroticism and nurturance needs is through a committed monogamous relationship. We’re led to believe we’ll live happily ever after once we find the soulmate who will fulfill all our needs—despite the fact that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. We’re also led to believe that life-long monogamy is the natural state for humans—even though evidence from other cultures and time periods shows us this clearly isn’t so.
The Polyamorist Lifestyle
In recent decades, there’s been much discussion of an alternate form of romantic relationship known as polyamory. At the core of a polyamorous relationship is a primary couple, typically a husband and wife. Yet, unlike a monogamous couple, the partners are allowed to have other sexually or emotionally intimate relationships. In other words, polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy, or “open marriage.”The received wisdom—among both psychologists and the lay public alike—is that polyamorous relationships can’t possibly be as satisfying as monogamous ones. Feelings of jealousy will be unavoidable, detractors argue. And the focus on sex rather than loving companionship supposedly makes polyamorous relationships shallow and unfulfilling. Some even argue that polyamory is nothing more than a scheme for men to gain sexual variety at the expense of their wives, whom they’ve emotionally abandoned.
In response, polyamorists maintain that their lifestyle is uniquely fulfilling, despite the bad rap. Feelings of jealousy can be controlled through open communication and the cultivation of an emotion known as “compersion,” that is, happiness in knowing that your partner is happy. Polyamorists also insist that they experience higher levels of both eroticism and nurturance because they rely on different partners to meet each of these needs.
To test the notion that polyamory provides greater levels of both eroticism and nurturance than monogamous relationships do, Balzarini and colleagues conducted a series of surveys that targeted individuals in mono and poly relationships. Their findings provide interesting insights into the dynamics of both monogamy and polyamory.
The Dynamics of a Monogamous Relationship
Romantic relationships help us meet our needs for eroticism and nurturance, but they don’t always provide these in equal amounts, or at the same time. Typically, romantic couples experience high levels of eroticism early in the relationship. They have a strong desire for sex with their partner, and it’s this passion that drives the couple together and binds them.Within a couple of years, however, sexual passion begins to diminish as the couple develop an attachment bond. Attachment is a sense of connectedness built out of trust rather than passion. We know our partner will be there for us when we need them, and that knowledge gives us the strength to go out and meet the challenges the world sets before us.
Passion is driven by mystery, while attachment is built on familiarity. Thus, the better we know our partner, the less we desire to have sex with them. At the same time, our lover has become our best friend, the most important person in our world. The key to a happy marriage is balancing mystery and familiarity so that we meet our eroticism and nurturance needs—but that’s easier said than done.
When the passion has fizzled in your marriage, there’s always the temptation to abandon it for a new erotic relationship. In fact, some people do pursue serial monogamous relationships, mistaking eroticism alone for love and not taking into account the nurturance needs that can only be fully met in a well-established relationship.
Outsourcing Unmet Needs to a Different Partner
Polyamorists face this same problem that monogamists do in their primary relationship. But rather than abandoning their spouse for a fresh face, they outsource their unmet erotic needs to a different partner. Recognizing that the flames of passion are now little more than glowing embers, both partners can take on new lovers, all the while maintaining the deep attachment of the primary relationship that provides much needed nurturance.In their research, Balzarini and colleagues found evidence to support the polyamorist position, particularly in terms of meeting eroticism and nurturance needs. They found that the monogamists in their study reported generally high levels of both eroticism and nurturance. However, when these were compared to reports of polyamorists' primary and secondary relationships, interesting patterns emerged.
Regarding eroticism, polyamorists reported lower levels in their primary relationship, but higher levels in their secondary relationship, compared with the sole relationship of monogamists. And when it came to nurturance, the pattern was reversed. That is, polyamorists reported higher levels of nurturance in their primary relationship, but lower levels in their secondary relationship, compared with the sole relationship of monogamists.
Eroticism and Nurturance in Monogamy and Polyamory
Source: Figure reconstructed from Balzarini et al. (2019) by D. Ludden
These patterns were just what we would expect to see if polyamorists were outsourcing their erotic needs to their secondary partner, as they have argued. This outsourcing also frees up the primary partner to provide more of what they do best—nurturance. In this way, polyamorists get the more of their relationship needs met, and met more fully, than monogamists do.
Polyamory is definitely not a lifestyle that suits all persons. It requires strong communication skills—since nothing is kept secret—and polyamorists also need to be able to control feelings of jealousy. But for those who can make it work, it’s a lifestyle that offers immense benefits for both partners.
