Where else, other than on Mad at the Internet, will lip service be paid to the intricacies of hummus. Such a topic would be regarded as heresy by KingCobra, where only food containing requisite levels of grease are considered worthy of discussion and consumption. PPP will not recognise hummus as food, on account of its low calories relative to the Peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches that were once favoured by the late Elvis Presley.
I am uncertain whether Everything I Own - a song David Gates wrote about his late father - is diminished by a news hamster enacting the rites of Spring on the shoulder of Bossmanjack, or whether it has been taken in an alternative direction, expressing a sense of loss that Gates could never have anticipated - the soul-crushing bereavement that stems from the knowledge that you will soon be separated from a crack-smoking, rat-hating, gambling addict, who performs skateboard tricks indoors.
I often glue things to other things while listening to MATI. Today marked a milestone - the draining of a 5 litre container of PVA. In the retarded augmented realty that is our future, a watershed moment such as this will result in an achievement badge flashing up in the periphery of my cybervision, where it will linger as an unwanted artifact until I turn my eyes on and off.. When I purchased that glue, I was told by friends and family members that I would never be able to drink all of it. They were right to say that. Instead I set it towards practical purposes. When I unleash my own version of the Ninety-five Theses, that will irreparably fracture the Ballodverse and see my likeness enshrined in stained glass windows, I will affix it to a Minecraft recreation of All Saints' Church in Wittenberg, not with nails that will cause damage to the digital wood of the church doors and create an entry point for termites, but with undiluted PVA.
A few years from now, when the Kiwi Farms is dragged into court, and we all end up in the dock being tried en masse like Chicago gangsters; when Fong's baleful stare is fixated myopically upon the hazy form of Joshua Conner Moon, who has chosen to attend the proceedings wearing leather trousers, like he's Jim Morrison, do not discount the Glue Manufacturers Lobby as a favourable character witness, who will avow under oath that the period where MATI was broadcast is representative of a golden age for the industry. What have the likes of Fong ever done to support those honest, hard-working and God-fearing men who literally stuck the pieces of America together like a model airplane, and who believe that Nick Rekieta's salvation in the eyes of Christ requires an inner spiritual repentance supplementary to that obtained through an external confession?