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I’ve been actively practicing polyamory for about eight years. When I met my husband, Turner, I was 23 years old; he was 20. Whether Turner was able to simply intuit my need to explore and flourish or otherwise, he established as early as our second date that I was free to pursue whatever I needed in terms of other adult relationships – so long as I stayed safe.
In those first two years or so together, nothing of the sort came up; we were not a monogamous couple but were effectively practicing monogamy. I didn’t pursue other people and Turner, whether he would have liked to or not, didn’t have the local social structure I’d established for myself in Austin, Texas, where we lived. When I did start actively pursuing other people (primarily sexually), there was no great paradigm shift, at least not for me. I’d always been extroverted. I loved having people around. More than that, I loved dating and going on dates. There was something stellar to me about getting to know people and see how we might “meet in the middle.”
Though I would come to frequently refer to “meeting in the middle” while talking about polyamory specifically, I came to think of all relationships within this framing. Ultimately, how you and I might meet in the middle will naturally look different than how Turner and I meet in the middle. How my father and I meet in the middle, similarly, is quite different than how I meet in the middle with a boss, an acquaintance at the bar, or even the woman sitting next to me in a coffee shop. Sometimes we don’t meet in the middle at all!
The point is, I believe relationships are truly individualized, special configurations. Each relationship, platonic or romantic, requires specific tailoring; one relationship, no matter how similar it looks to another relationship on its surface, may operate in completely different ways.
Over the past eight years, I’ve explored a lot of different romantic configurations. My first partner, outside of my husband, I dated for over four years; he and his husband lived three miles from us in Texas. I’ve also had some casual relationships as well as ones that fit less neatly into the relationship escalator model.
I’ve had unsuccessful non-monogamous relationships, too. I think it’s important here to elaborate on what constitutes a successful relationship versus an unsuccessful relationship to me: I am less interested in relationship longevity and more on how me and my partner(s)–yup–meet in the middle. Shocking, but sometimes it’s just not a match! Sometimes your personal understandings of what makes a relationship is different; this is especially common in casual non-monogamous dating, I’ve found.
It’s no surprise, really; the less you adhere to a set of specific rules so much as (often) malleable and individualized boundaries, the more room there is for variance and disagreement. There’s more room for individualized beauty, surely, but it might take a bit longer to find folks you intimately gel with.
For every successful relationship I’ve been a part of or am currently a part of – there are relationships where emotional availability looked different to each of us, or we had different ideas of what regular communication and together-time looked like. In some instances, one of us wanted something more akin to a traditional escalator relationship while the other wanted something better resembling solo polyamory – and before you speculate or ask: I have been on both sides of all of these listed scenarios. I contain ~multitudes~
I’m sharing my general history with polyamory largely as a preamble to talk about some of my ongoing relationships. Last weekend, I got the chance to visit–for the first time in the thirteen or fourteen months of us dating–my partner Isaak in Davenport, Iowa.
I’m not great with details, but my recollection is Isaak and I matched on Scruff, the gay dating & hook-up app, sometime in the fall of 2023. We hit it off, both of us being geeky boys involved in the pup community, and started dating long-distance by that December. Our relationship has been largely structured around morning and bedtime check-ins, along with supporting each other through a difficult 2024 (global horrors aside, did anyone have a good 2024? Just curious.)
While staying with Isaak and his nesting partner, Woofie, we made up for a year without physical time together through snuggling, cooking meals together, and of course, the usual adult things. I even got to meet Woofie’s boyfriend, who made us lunch on both full days I was there. Most important to me, however, was simply getting to co-occupy space (a recurring theme and love language of mine).
My quiet weekend with Isaak and part of his chosen family reminded me how special queer families are. None of our chosen configurations look quite the same, and that includes our monogamous brethren. Informed by our queer experiences, be they good or traumatic, we build our lives largely without compromise. We’re the adults rocking our own cradles. We choose who to love and how to love. Better yet, we’re happier for the abundance of love our friends and our partners (and their partners!) provide us.
I personally am richer for not just my relationships with my husband, Isaak, and my partner Gire, but also for Turner’s friends and family, Isaak’s partners and chosen family, and Gire’s boyfriend (who has also long been my personal friend). I do not need to be romantically entwined with any of these people to love them or be loved by them, just as I am not inherently compromised by being romantically entwined with any of them.
This weekend is providing its own unique beauty: last night, Gire and I attended an early Valentine’s rope flogger craft class at our local queer space. Tonight, my husband and I are going to my local leather club’s monthly community dinner. Tomorrow, Gire will be over during the day to share some quality one-on-one time with me. All the while, I’ll get to share check-ins and love with Isaak over text and photos.
I do not think polyamory indicates enlightenment, nor do I think monogamy is lesser. I do think, like sexuality, some of us practice one or the other based on relationship orientation rather than deliberate choice.
I want to emphasize relationship orientation versus simply “orientation,” however. Because relationships are inherently based around free choices, a relationship style is not fundamentally an “orientation.” Nonetheless, I believe we as humans can be oriented toward a specific relationship paradigm.
I could enter a monogamous relationship, sure, but I do not think I am oriented for it. A reality in which I do not explore multiple relationships (and ones that vary greatly, at that) is a reality I am not particularly comfortable with. I am sure some of my monogamous readers could say the opposite!
Polyamory isn’t inherently queer. It does, however, share much in common with queerness from a visibility standpoint. It is an expression of Otherness and within that Otherness, contains a multitude of viewpoints, lifestyles, and cultures. It adds rather than detracts from our social framework and in turn, should be visibly and loudly celebrated.
However you meet in the middle with your relationships and associated structures, be part of a revolution of love.
I’ve been actively practicing polyamory for about eight years. When I met my husband, Turner, I was 23 years old; he was 20. Whether Turner was able to simply intuit my need to explore and flourish or otherwise, he established as early as our second date that I was free to pursue whatever I needed in terms of other adult relationships – so long as I stayed safe.
In those first two years or so together, nothing of the sort came up; we were not a monogamous couple but were effectively practicing monogamy. I didn’t pursue other people and Turner, whether he would have liked to or not, didn’t have the local social structure I’d established for myself in Austin, Texas, where we lived. When I did start actively pursuing other people (primarily sexually), there was no great paradigm shift, at least not for me. I’d always been extroverted. I loved having people around. More than that, I loved dating and going on dates. There was something stellar to me about getting to know people and see how we might “meet in the middle.”
Though I would come to frequently refer to “meeting in the middle” while talking about polyamory specifically, I came to think of all relationships within this framing. Ultimately, how you and I might meet in the middle will naturally look different than how Turner and I meet in the middle. How my father and I meet in the middle, similarly, is quite different than how I meet in the middle with a boss, an acquaintance at the bar, or even the woman sitting next to me in a coffee shop. Sometimes we don’t meet in the middle at all!
The point is, I believe relationships are truly individualized, special configurations. Each relationship, platonic or romantic, requires specific tailoring; one relationship, no matter how similar it looks to another relationship on its surface, may operate in completely different ways.
Over the past eight years, I’ve explored a lot of different romantic configurations. My first partner, outside of my husband, I dated for over four years; he and his husband lived three miles from us in Texas. I’ve also had some casual relationships as well as ones that fit less neatly into the relationship escalator model.
I’ve had unsuccessful non-monogamous relationships, too. I think it’s important here to elaborate on what constitutes a successful relationship versus an unsuccessful relationship to me: I am less interested in relationship longevity and more on how me and my partner(s)–yup–meet in the middle. Shocking, but sometimes it’s just not a match! Sometimes your personal understandings of what makes a relationship is different; this is especially common in casual non-monogamous dating, I’ve found.
It’s no surprise, really; the less you adhere to a set of specific rules so much as (often) malleable and individualized boundaries, the more room there is for variance and disagreement. There’s more room for individualized beauty, surely, but it might take a bit longer to find folks you intimately gel with.
For every successful relationship I’ve been a part of or am currently a part of – there are relationships where emotional availability looked different to each of us, or we had different ideas of what regular communication and together-time looked like. In some instances, one of us wanted something more akin to a traditional escalator relationship while the other wanted something better resembling solo polyamory – and before you speculate or ask: I have been on both sides of all of these listed scenarios. I contain ~multitudes~
I’m sharing my general history with polyamory largely as a preamble to talk about some of my ongoing relationships. Last weekend, I got the chance to visit–for the first time in the thirteen or fourteen months of us dating–my partner Isaak in Davenport, Iowa.
I’m not great with details, but my recollection is Isaak and I matched on Scruff, the gay dating & hook-up app, sometime in the fall of 2023. We hit it off, both of us being geeky boys involved in the pup community, and started dating long-distance by that December. Our relationship has been largely structured around morning and bedtime check-ins, along with supporting each other through a difficult 2024 (global horrors aside, did anyone have a good 2024? Just curious.)
While staying with Isaak and his nesting partner, Woofie, we made up for a year without physical time together through snuggling, cooking meals together, and of course, the usual adult things. I even got to meet Woofie’s boyfriend, who made us lunch on both full days I was there. Most important to me, however, was simply getting to co-occupy space (a recurring theme and love language of mine).
My quiet weekend with Isaak and part of his chosen family reminded me how special queer families are. None of our chosen configurations look quite the same, and that includes our monogamous brethren. Informed by our queer experiences, be they good or traumatic, we build our lives largely without compromise. We’re the adults rocking our own cradles. We choose who to love and how to love. Better yet, we’re happier for the abundance of love our friends and our partners (and their partners!) provide us.
I personally am richer for not just my relationships with my husband, Isaak, and my partner Gire, but also for Turner’s friends and family, Isaak’s partners and chosen family, and Gire’s boyfriend (who has also long been my personal friend). I do not need to be romantically entwined with any of these people to love them or be loved by them, just as I am not inherently compromised by being romantically entwined with any of them.
This weekend is providing its own unique beauty: last night, Gire and I attended an early Valentine’s rope flogger craft class at our local queer space. Tonight, my husband and I are going to my local leather club’s monthly community dinner. Tomorrow, Gire will be over during the day to share some quality one-on-one time with me. All the while, I’ll get to share check-ins and love with Isaak over text and photos.
I do not think polyamory indicates enlightenment, nor do I think monogamy is lesser. I do think, like sexuality, some of us practice one or the other based on relationship orientation rather than deliberate choice.
I want to emphasize relationship orientation versus simply “orientation,” however. Because relationships are inherently based around free choices, a relationship style is not fundamentally an “orientation.” Nonetheless, I believe we as humans can be oriented toward a specific relationship paradigm.
I could enter a monogamous relationship, sure, but I do not think I am oriented for it. A reality in which I do not explore multiple relationships (and ones that vary greatly, at that) is a reality I am not particularly comfortable with. I am sure some of my monogamous readers could say the opposite!
Polyamory isn’t inherently queer. It does, however, share much in common with queerness from a visibility standpoint. It is an expression of Otherness and within that Otherness, contains a multitude of viewpoints, lifestyles, and cultures. It adds rather than detracts from our social framework and in turn, should be visibly and loudly celebrated.
However you meet in the middle with your relationships and associated structures, be part of a revolution of love.
