💼 Careercow Kimberly Crawley - Autistic Game Developer and Creator of Hackers vs. Banksters

[selere]

I really wonder how much work was put into this. Couldn't have been more than 7 hours overall.

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I assume the character on the left is her self-insert, and the one on the right is... a giant penis like thing?

I rate it Absolute Autism out of 10.

 

[CrimsonKnight]

I really wonder how much work was put into this. Couldn't have been more than 7 hours overall.

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I'd say less than that.

 

[JU 199]

and the one on the right is... a giant penis like thing?

That's 'tankboy', her tweed wearing hipster shit stain comrade friend .

Jaimas did a play through of the demo, this is his summary-

This game is a fucking tire fire of the most beautiful kind. Even by Tumblrette "Art Game" standards, this one is one of the worst, if not the worst one I've played. The art style is.... Fuck, do I even need to say anything? Jay Geis was a better artist with his powerpuff abominations. The music is all stock, the backgrounds all Google rips. There is no animation, no coherence, and the world breaks entirely if you spend more than 12 seconds thinking about it.

By the standards of shitty games from the lolcows we've chronicled, this one stands alone.

Upon looking at the writing this is what I thought-

Seriously I cant get over how bad the writing is. Take these lines-

This is not how you do character development. You don't just list their negative traits like a shopping list. It's not compelling at all. What you're supposed to do is reveal aspects of character to the player over time though internal dialogue and conversation. For a game like this it's absolutely paramount to nail character interactions and portray well rounded people. That's what the player will care about in the end.

Now, I'm not an excellent writer but I've picked up understanding of what good writing looks like through film and especially books. Everyone's seen films and read books (even Crawley). If you're intent pursuing a character oriented game Surely you need a strong foundation of what a solid stricture looks like?

Crawley doesn't have even a basic understanding of character writing, yet she made a kickstarter for a game completely oriented around it.

Hackers Vs Banksters is beyond Gen Zed levels of ineptness. That's a fucking achievement.

Edit: The art also gets worse

 

[Replicant Sasquatch]

BIOS malware? Wat? Is she trying to describe a rootkit?



Oh, it's a visual novel. Of course it is. The only type of "game" with less interactivity than idle games and less substance than dating sims.



Wow, why should I be impressed by this? Multiple endings for a video game is an industry standard. It has been since the 90s. Even indie, 8-bit era style games like Undertale and LISA have multiple endings. Didn't Shadow the Hedgehog have like, fifteen endings? That was a decade ago.

This is beyond pathetic.



You mean photos that you vomited up through an ugly photoshop filter & then drew on in MS Paint with the pencil tool. This is reminding me a lot of Plumbers Don't Wear Ties.



Ah yes, the Hipster's key to writing; meta-narratives. Brilliant.



Okay, can we address that horrid title? Crawley, the word you're looking for is "Banker", you retarded mall-goth. When I read "Bankster" for the first time, your Kickstarter, my brain immediately assumed it meant "Bank robber" because using it to describe someone who works at a bank is butt-fuckingly retarded.



Your magnum opus is on par with Ghost Motel and that game was made in Flash in 2002. For further comparison, Ghost Motel was also a visual novel and it has had ten sequels by 2005.

You're a "hacker" & still struggling with the one.



Are you trying to imply that you learned the script from scratch? No wonder you're not done, only retards try doing it that way. It would literally go thrice as fast if you got the Python programming manual from O'Reilly. What an idiot.



You've been a hacker since at least the 90's and you never learned fucking Java? What the fuck?



You are literally the bargain bin of the bargain bin.



Most developers just getting their start have released games with five times the quality on Newgrounds for 1% of the cost at an eighth of the time it has taken you to make this crapheap.

Exhibit A.

Thousands of way better developers have released masterful games with no funding and little to no payment.

Get a fucking grip.



This might mean something if your salt were worth the words. This might mean something if you weren't making a visual novel, the gayest of all game genres in the fucking world that only requires five lines of script (no joke) to create.

You are so dim-a-dozen that it doesn't even begin to register on the radar.

Shadow the Hedgehog had about a dozen endings which could all be achieved across something like 300 different playthroughs.

If that decade and a half year old monument to the collective autism of Sonicfags was one of the most ambitious examples of multiple endings, then Crawly really should tone in that pride.

 

[PTNR 2.0]

I really wonder how much work was put into this. Couldn't have been more than 7 hours overall.

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Tumblrs vs. Trollsters only has two images so far and 0 interactivity but it's already a much better game than the shitmess Kim is making.

 

[Kerfuffle]

Okay, can we address that horrid title? Crawley, the word you're looking for is "Banker", you retarded mall-goth. When I read "Bankster" for the first time, your Kickstarter, my brain immediately assumed it meant "Bank robber" because using it to describe someone who works at a bank is butt-fuckingly retarded.

Bankster is just a portmanteau of banker and gangster, it dates from the 1930s and Great Depression but some leftist groups/individuals tried to revive it after 2008. I remember a few papers trying to use it a couple of times, but it didn't catch on.

 

[Lurkman]

I'm arriving late but I would just like to add that I believe that art is a style.

I'm not saying it's a good style, but ummm...

What kind of style is this? I've never heard of this, is this original work? Hopefully it is so we can learn from it and improve upon it.

For the love of god, I get that indie games having unique art is all the rage at the moment, but this has to be some of the worst art I've seen for a game, and that's counting my own art style.

 

[Ruin]

I'm arriving late but I would just like to add that I believe that art is a style.

I'm not saying it's a good style, but ummm...

What kind of style is this? I've never heard of this, is this original work? Hopefully it is so we can learn from it and improve upon it.

For the love of god, I get that indie games having unique art is all the rage at the moment, but this has to be some of the worst art I've seen for a game, and that's counting my own art style.

She's also late as fuck. If she made this a year and a half ago it might have gotten an ironic fanbase but indy games are getting less popular, now that most people have realized "indy" is code for low quality trash and crowdfunding scams.

 

[anephric]

"I'm older than I look".

So, what, bitch is 1000 years old or 1100? She's got more jowls than a fucking bloodhound.

 

[HOMO INSPECTUS]

 

[MarvinTheParanoidAndroid]

Guys, I just realized something.

The entire plot to her game is a rip off of Mr. Robot.

To whom it may concern; the plot to Mr. Robot concerns a schizophrenic hacker named Elliot who organizes a group of other hackers together to take down a credit card company called E-corp to erase all debt from the world.

 

[Whatisgoingon]

You have to be incredibly egotistical to put shit like this up on the internet (where there are tons of way better stuff you can get for free) and ask for money. Like, unbelievably egotistical. And why does she think she looks like a millennial? I thought she was in her late 40's when I first saw her picture.

 

[Jaimas]

I know one way she could salvage this.

Embrace it, James Nguyen style. Proudly declare it the Birdemic of video games.

 

[JULAY]

And why does she think she looks like a millennial?

I'm going to assume that it's the fact that she dyes her hair pink, wears black lipstick, and wears those ridiculous hipster glasses. She doesn't look like a teenager whatsoever, and if her hair was a natural color, her makeup conservative, and you got rid of the glasses, it would be even more obvious.

 

[Mr Pizza]

I really want to play Hackers vs Banksters. I bet if it ends up being a final product there's going to be all sorts of weird ranting all video game style.

 

[Replicant Sasquatch]

Does Crowlua's husband know his virtual counterpart is a neckbolted wiener who gets triggered into a mental breakdown by pictures of nurses?

 

[AnOminous]

Not saying that she is, but even the most skilled worker has trouble getting or keeping work if they act like a shithead.

The standards are fairly low for highly skilled IT people, at least in non-public-facing stuff. Even near total autists manage to hold down a job if they put even the slightest effort into acting like a human.

So I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say their "skills" are probably on par with the Sonichu-tier "art" from their "game."

Also being 40 or whatever and dressing and acting like a teenage dangerhair who gets her wardrobe from Hot Topic doesn't speak well for her maturity.

 

[Mr Pizza]

Hey I just thought of something. She's married to that 60 year old doof right? You know what certain autism tutorials say about cranking out kids at that age...

 

[AnOminous]

BIOS malware? Wat? Is she trying to describe a rootkit?

Trying to sound like she has the foggiest clue wtf she's talking about.

Such shit does exist. One of the ugliest viruses I ever dealt with was something called Chernobyl that on a certain date would nuke the partition table of every drive on the system and then overwrite the BIOS with 0s. It only hit certain BIOSes, though (I think AMI BIOS but I might be misremembering). I was actually impressed by how sheerly mean-spirited and destructive this POS was.

The drive thing was fairly easily fixed but the BIOS thing essentially bricked the machine (although you could replace the BIOS chip by pulling one off a motherboard of the same sort they weren't readily available for purchase alone).

For a variety of reasons, though, such malware isn't terribly practical. It's just Sonichu-tier technobabble.

 

[Mike Hunt]

The standards are fairly low for highly skilled IT people, at least in non-public-facing stuff. Even near total autists manage to hold down a job if they put even the slightest effort into acting like a human.

So I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say their "skills" are probably on par with the Sonichu-tier "art" from their "game."

You're right about that. I found her LinkedIn and here's what she has listed under "Experience":


From my understanding, the most she did professionally as a hacker is basically be an assistant to an actual white-hat hacker (her current job). She may or may not have picked up skills under that guy, but if she did, she could easily strike out on her own and get paid very well.

Edit: Spoiler'ed the album for the benefit of Kiwis.