🎨 Artcow Iconoclast / Jonathan Mack Sweet - The Chris-Chan of Arkansas

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The_Iconoclast said:
I'm a creationist. Evolution seems to be mostly a series of random mutations, caused by breaks in the genetic code caused by innumerable X-factors. We know more about autism and ADHD now that we did 20 or 30 years ago, hence the prevalence of these conditions, even though they've likely been around for decades.

@thatsforubama-- Gladly.

Any Democrat-run city has its problems. A Long Island, NY middle school recently banned all balls on its playground. Another school implemented something called "shadow tag", to keep kids from getting hurt running around. These are the same people who say America's kids are getting fat, right? Chicago's crime and corruption are legendary. St. Louis is a toilet. New Orleans still hasn't revovered from Katrina. Biloxi barely has its LRT trains back up and running, and last I heard there are still huge gaps in much of the track.These are the same peolI live next door to Memphis, and it's a circus. I could handle a mid-sized burg like Jonesboro, maybe, even if the rent is a bit on the steep side. But the social opportunities are unparalleled.

@WWWWolf-- You can read more of my stories here. Maybe you'll find one more to your liking.


I have studied psychology. They tried forcing me into counseling, as I said. I went in for a preliminary appointment and quickly realized it was a ploy to palm me off on someone else, when it would have been far easier and less expensive to handle the dispute in-house. I was then told I needed to pay for the real session, and it was all I could do not to tell that little pinhead at judicial affairs to go stick it in his bald monkey ass. Even if I'd shelled out the $500, they would have come up with more hoops for me to jump through. I have also studied on the Sixth Amendment and copyright law. The copy editor who levied the charge was not present during my hearing and never questioned once. That sounds suspicious to me. Having my ex's dad the lawyer in my corner would have been a huge help, but I'd ruined that by making a mess of things with her.


I tried that before, and I got mocked roundly at ED. "Duh...hurr, hurr, hurrr--hims is know less about wimmins than ChrisChan!" But if you want to read them, they're at my blog (2/15/11-- "The Unwritten Rules of a Successful College Relationship"). Dating in college is just peculiar. It's comparable to a sexual Ponzi scheme--the men on campus outnumber the available women into the neighboring town maybe 2 to one, so there's a lot of competition, and you really have to make the cut. I guess I didn't. I really wonder how many couples successfully make the transition from "college" relationship to "real word" commitment. Damn few, I wager.
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They why are the punishments so severe? You turn in a bad column, you get fired, kicked out of school, and none of your former coworkers are allowed to talk to you, ever again, in perpetuity. You talk about your feelings with a System girl, she drops out of your life for a month--a week, maybe ten days would be more than sufficient, I think. You make one mistake handling a customer, the boss freaks out and skips town, leaving the business to fall apart. I would consider these behaviors excessive. Yet no one says one bad word about the people who act like this.


I tried that. I said "specific criticisms...issue, page, panel". They ignored that and kept yammering on about vagaries the colors and the speech bubbles , or spouting insults like "himses work sucks" and "him is not can draw" and "hims is bad because hims is not think like we is do".


No, five years ago I had the shop, nearly ready to open for business, and my idiot brother was locked away in jail. My life was finally going great. And then things changed. One of my partners started talking smack about the other on some stupid Topix forum, dissolving the friendship and the business, then His Stupidness came back and picked up right where he left off. So, once again, I reiterate: change is bad. It just brings misery and wreck, who needs it?
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I bet you want your balls on the playground.
 
Iconoclast, what do you want to do with your life? publish your comics?

Also, where does one meet a high class lovely lady?

Also, what would you do to the JERKS and stuck up bitches who have wronged you?
 
@The_Iconoclast : Those are some nice puppies! What is your stance on the forced phase-out of incandescent light bulbs for better, more energy efficient light sources such as CFLs and LEDs?
 
Found the rules! And guess what, they're hilarious!

The_Iconoclast said:
Like many Odd Socks across the Fruited Plain I don't celebrate Single's Awareness Day, although I do enjoy getting half-off on cheap Valentine's Day candy and wilted flowers (which make for good mulch and potpourri) the day after. I wouldn't say I enjoy single life, but I have come to accept it. I have never liked the bar scene, I have a scrupulous rule about never fishing off the company, academic, or church piers, and being self-conscious about my failing voice I am looking for a relationship where I would have to speak to the young woman as little as possible. This is why a college relationship would be ideal for me; however, you can only have those in college, and as long as this old bat is in power at AS(S)U that will remain an impossibility for the forseeable future.
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First, looking for a relationship where you talk as little as possible really isn't a relationship and even if your very own Mary Lee Walsh is somehow ousted from power, that doesn't mean college girls will want anything to do w/ a dude pushing forty.

The_Iconoclast said:
Of course the college relationship, while on the surface appearing simple and casual, is--like anything else liberalism hath wrought--a roiling minefield of rules, rules, rules. Breaking any one--and my clueless ass broke all four--can make your chances of scoring tail smaller than the steering wheel in a black guy's ride. I've boiled it all down to these four basic tips. If I had had any inkling of these rules thirteen years ago, who knows, my darling Ashleigh might still be with me today..
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So I followed your blog link about "Ashleigh" and now I can't understand how you are so hung up on her. This girl was a hoax. Somebody messing with you. You don't even know her real name. Is it Ashleigh, Carolyn or Jessica? In that write up you seem to know the truth of the situation, but still act by the end as if you are owed a weekend of her time or whatever. You don't know this girl. You don't know anything about her really. The fact that you thinking that her father, as a lawyer, would help you is laughable. You also throw out facts about her here, that she is in her 30s & still messing w/ college guys and/or she was in high school when you first started talking to her. You don't know anything about her. You never had this girl. The first time you physically meet her you "lose" her. She was never anything but a wish to you. Stop pining for a fictional relationship.

The_Iconoclast said:
The girl calls all the shots. Remember, gentleman, we are in the age of feminism, which means sex and empowerment are inexorably tied. Your girl decides everything.This includes howoften her calls come, how long each lasts, how long she phones you for before she finally agrees to meet in person, where you will meet, and what will happen between you when you do.
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Relationships that are only ever the phone (ie all you've ever experienced w/ Ashleigh/Carolyn/Jessica) aren't real relationships. In a real relationship you each have a say in what is going on pertaining to time spent together and in contact w/ each other. It doesn't just work "in theory" it actually works that way. And when it fails to, one of the parties moves on from the relationship.

The_Iconoclast said:
She calls you; you don't call her. This ties into and expands rule #1. You do not call her number. Nor do you send her letters, e-mails, texts, telegrams, telegraphs, or smoke signals to her house. You do not do or say anything to prompt the relationship forward or make the tail wagon move faster. When she reaches out and touches you courtesty of Ma Bell, that's fun and cute; when you do it to her, it's stalking. You have no say in the matter at all. That she deigns to phone you out of the some 5,000 other men on campus is a great honor. Don't start thinking you're special or indispensible in any way.
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You don't get to call her because she is playing you and you are a game to her. She does not like you. She is fucking with you. When she has real life things to do she can't have the game she played last night bothering her. This was not a relationship, this advice is nothing, it was you getting harassed but thanking the harasser for the privilege and asking for more on her off hours.

The_Iconoclast said:
Avoid talk of personal disclosure and that "emotions" crap. No, these women do not want to hear about your feelings (what, are you on your period?), your dog Skippy you've had since you were 11, that funny thing that happened in math class today, where you see yourself in 15 years or even your plans for tomorrow, or how sad you are that your grandma or your father or your uncle or your wierd third cousin Charlie with the glass eye or whatever the hell relative of yours just died. None of that. They don't need that drama. They're your girlfriend, not you biographer. When the phone rings, the pants come off.
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She wasn't your girlfriend. She didn't care because she wasn't your girlfriend. You were less than a toy to her. Phone sex doesn't equal a real relationship. Not in college, not anywhere. In a real relationship the person you were dating WOULD care about these things. Even a fuck-buddy would care a bit about why you are down.

The_Iconoclast said:
Dress for success. This means no loud shirts, no pants in bright or unusual colors (like purple), no flipover shades, no baseball caps with humorous slogans, nonovelty pins, buttons, and no itemin your wardrobe or immediate person which once belonged to a now-deceased relative. No clothing item of yours should have a story atttached to it, and if it does, for the luvvagod, don't tell it.
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Christ, learn how to dress yourself. This isn't a failing of others, it is a failing of you. If you have confidence, and don't go cartoonish (purple pants? really?) you can wear almost anything a look decent. Listen up, I'm over weight, 6'1" and have little to no chin (ever, even when I'm fairly skinny I got bum genetics in the chin department) I commonly wear bright orange, red or green shirts and have a grey hoodie on w/ a hand full of band badges (1" buttons/pins) over my heart. This works for me. It works for my lady. It has worked in the past when I was single. I didn't go all clown school with it and expect people to understand because it has a story attached to it. Yes, dressing nice helps attract a decent mate, but no one looks good in flip-over shades, and novelty/humorous clothing items either need to be subtle or really really funny to get away with, and the latter mostly only work for little kids and dads/grandpas.

Then again, none of these rule apply to anyone, ever, because your situation is so twisted and cocked up that there's only a 1% chance that it will ever happen again. Random phone calls from girls is never anything I'd heard about before in all the stories I've heard of the college experience. When ever I was visiting friends it was always "Let's go to this dorm/apartment/house and have fun and meet girls" not "Hey, let's sit around our room and wait for the phone to ring." You know nothing of relationships and if you had to go back and do it again you would follow these rules and end up in the same place because this girl (and maybe others) were fucking with you. There was nothing real here, ever, you got dumped by your very first, very personal troll.
 
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So, I read your rules...
Chris doesn't know much about women. But at least he knows general stereotypes that could apply to more than one person.

The first problem I have with these "rules" is that they seem to be all based on Ashleigh, and no one else. Also, they all come from your point of view. Forgive me, but I don't think I want to follow the dating advice of a man who's been single all this century.

The girl calls the shots?
Every girl is different. Some expect the guy to decide everything. Some like to do it themselves. Some of them will see their partner as an equal, so they can decide things together.

She calls you; you don't call her?
Are you sure you weren't just calling at the wrong time, every time? I honestly don't know how you came to this conclusion.

Avoid talk of personal disclosure?
Wrong. No. That's not how you relationship. You're supposed to share your life with each other, that's how you fill the time and get to know each other. Relationships aren't built on phone sex, you know.

Dress for success?
Almost there on this one. Don't dress like a moron, don't dress like a neo-Nazi, etc. Clothes from deceased relatives are fine, but you probably don't ever have to mention where they came from. I don't tell people that I'm honoring my grandfather's memory by wearing his hat. If anything I just say it used to be his. And only if they specifically ask.

tl;dr
Iconoclast doesn't understand women or relationships.
 
Ok this should be fun, lets see what rules I'm meant to be following as a chick :roll:

The girl calls all the shots. Remember, gentleman, we are in the age of feminism, which means sex and empowerment are inexorably tied. Your girl decides everything.This includes howoften her calls come, how long each lasts, how long she phones you for before she finally agrees to meet in person, where you will meet, and what will happen between you when you do.
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Um...no. Just no. It differs for every girl as Josef said but personally I take a guy never calling and always wanting me to decide everything as a guy who doesn't really give a fuck. If there's no effort put in to contact at all then many girls will assume the guy just isn't interested.

She calls you; you don't call her. This ties into and expands rule #1. You do not call her number. Nor do you send her letters, e-mails, texts, telegrams, telegraphs, or smoke signals to her house. You do not do or say anything to prompt the relationship forward or make the tail wagon move faster. When she reaches out and touches you courtesty of Ma Bell, that's fun and cute; when you do it to her, it's stalking. You have no say in the matter at all. That she deigns to phone you out of the some 5,000 other men on campus is a great honor. Don't start thinking you're special or indispensible in any way.
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Pretty big double standard there that if a girl calls it's cute but if a guy does it's stalking. Also, to reiterate my earlier point, if a guy makes no effort a girl may assume they're not interested. Not all girls are brave enough to get the ball rolling, this advice would be killing a relationship before it even started for those girls since they'd take no contact as a sign that the guy doesn't wanna know.

Avoid talk of personal disclosure and that "emotions" crap. No, these women do not want to hear about your feelings (what, are you on your period?), your dog Skippy you've had since you were 11, that funny thing that happened in math class today, where you see yourself in 15 years or even your plans for tomorrow, or how sad you are that your grandma or your father or your uncle or your wierd third cousin Charlie with the glass eye or whatever the hell relative of yours just died. None of that. They don't need that drama. They're your girlfriend, not you biographer. When the phone rings, the pants come off.
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How are you meant to have a relationship if you avoid talking about anything personal? Also whats with the bullshit of "When the phone rings, the pants come off"? Is that meant to mean you're not allowed to lead the conversation if you're a guy? Or that when you talk to your girlfriend you shou;d instantly want sex? Help guys I don't get it :'(

Dress for success. This means no loud shirts, no pants in bright or unusual colors (like purple), no flipover shades, no baseball caps with humorous slogans, nonovelty pins, buttons, and no itemin your wardrobe or immediate person which once belonged to a now-deceased relative. No clothing item of yours should have a story atttached to it, and if it does, for the luvvagod, don't tell it.
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I kinda agree with this a tiny bit but at the same time (with some exceptions :briefs:) most girls won't really be bothered by what you're wearing if your personality is good and you're having fun together. In other words, judging by your rules, you're fucked.
 
im going to post the remix of votum stellarum in a few posts
 
What is your stance on the forced phase-out of incandescent light bulbs for better, more energy efficient light sources such as CFLs and LEDs?
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I wrote a blog about that as well-- "Liberalism--The Road to Hell". I pretty much rankle at anything forced on me, no matter how well-meaning. When I criticized the First Lady's school lunch plan, some folks were all, "Why you is hates chirrens? Why you is want chirrens to get fat and die?" And I said, "I don't hate children. I just love freedom more." These are the same people, incidentally who don't let kids play organized sports because they might get hurt, and decry the Boy Scouts as a homophobic paramilitary organization. It's laughable, and it sends a mixed message to kids. This is what I mean about too many stupid rules. Junior would rather sit and play a shoot-em-up video game all day than some sissy game of shadow tag.

"Ashleigh" was exciting, and I guess that was the whole attraction. I've never met anyone like her. I've tried meeting "nice" girls, and they just don't hold the same appeal. I had more in common with the other woman I was seeing, and possibly a future, but Ashleigh's sudden comeback messed that up. So I figured she and I were meant to be. The resulting botched reconciliation attempts inspired both a book and two comic stories. I've dubbed her an "icon" somewhat ironically because it seems to me wherever I go, when I mention her some mattering female invariably takes her side, calls me a stalker, predator, and rapist, and makes her out to look like an innocent party. You'll never hear anyone say she should be run out on a rail. I've read she may be with someone else now, and I don't know if I should be jealous of the guy or pity him. I could be petty, get in touch with this new guy,, and tell him all about her past, see how he takes it. That could be funny. I mean, if she's calmed down some since her wild days, sure, she might make a pretty decent partner. And if she's telling the truth about her dad being a lawyer, that can't hurt either.
 
The whole webiste is fantastic! Highlights include:
- The 420 Show
- Liberalism and Feminism: Two Bad Tastes That Taste Bad Together
- Caught Between Barack and a Hard Place
- Eight Simple Rules for Safe, Healthy, Painless Phone Sex.

- Aaaand this, made by someone on the Cwcki some years ago

Youliberalsandblacksarestupid.jpg


Youliberalsandblacksarestupid1.jpg


Youliberalsandblacksarestupid2.jpg

The_Iconoclast said:
I wrote a blog about that as well-- "Liberalism--The Road to Hell". I pretty much rankle at anything forced on me, no matter how well-meaning.
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Dude, don't lick the tubes and you'll be fine
Seriously. These toxic smart light bulbs are going to be mandatory come 2012. The day it happens I'm going to rent a van, gather up a few of my buddies, and drive to Mexico. We're going to buy some cheap Mexican tequila, even cheaper Mexican hookers, and every got-dang incandescent bulb from Tijuana to Yucatan. I'm going to go home, screw in those bulbs, and burn a carbon footprint so deep in the face of the earth they'll be able to see the f---er from the moon.
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Do you have nice pictures of your trip through central america? Did you try Cochinita Pibil?
 
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The titles of his comics really sound like things on the cutting room floor of The New Yorker.

Also I could go after his rules but honestly you guys have it covered. Just a ridiculous excuse to explain the perfectly reasonable things he failed at doing. Although I will say you can't have it both ways. You can't have a relationship where you don't talk AND be able to talk about your dad getting his ass kicked by the reaper.
 
The_Iconoclast said:
I wrote a blog about that as well-- "Liberalism--The Road to Hell". I pretty much rankle at anything forced on me, no matter how well-meaning. When I criticized the First Lady's school lunch plan, some folks were all, "Why you is hates chirrens? Why you is want chirrens to get fat and die?" And I said, "I don't hate children. I just love freedom more." These are the same people, incidentally who don't let kids play organized sports because they might get hurt, and decry the Boy Scouts as a homophobic paramilitary organization. It's laughable, and it sends a mixed message to kids. This is what I mean about too many stupid rules. Junior would rather sit and play a shoot-em-up video game all day than some sissy game of shadow tag.

"Ashleigh" was exciting, and I guess that was the whole attraction. I've never met anyone like her. I've tried meeting "nice" girls, and they just don't hold the same appeal. I had more in common with the other woman I was seeing, and possibly a future, but Ashleigh's sudden comeback messed that up. So I figured she and I were meant to be. The resulting botched reconciliation attempts inspired both a book and two comic stories. I've dubbed her an "icon" somewhat ironically because it seems to me wherever I go, when I mention her some mattering female invariably takes her side, calls me a stalker, predator, and rapist, and makes her out to look like an innocent party. You'll never hear anyone say she should be run out on a rail. I've read she may be with someone else now, and I don't know if I should be jealous of the guy or pity him. I could be petty, get in touch with this new guy,, and tell him all about her past, see how he takes it. That could be funny. I mean, if she's calmed down some since her wild days, sure, she might make a pretty decent partner. And if she's telling the truth about her dad being a lawyer, that can't hurt either.
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Dude seriously quit. Following her updates, knowing her business, let it go. You knowing this much years after the fact is why they call you a stalker.
 
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The_Iconoclast said:
"Ashleigh" was exciting, and I guess that was the whole attraction. I've never met anyone like her. I've tried meeting "nice" girls, and they just don't hold the same appeal. I had more in common with the other woman I was seeing, and possibly a future, but Ashleigh's sudden comeback messed that up. So I figured she and I were meant to be. The resulting botched reconciliation attempts inspired both a book and two comic stories. I've dubbed her an "icon" somewhat ironically because it seems to me wherever I go, when I mention her some mattering female invariably takes her side, calls me a stalker, predator, and rapist, and makes her out to look like an innocent party. You'll never hear anyone say she should be run out on a rail. I've read she may be with someone else now, and I don't know if I should be jealous of the guy or pity him. I could be petty, get in touch with this new guy,, and tell him all about her past, see how he takes it. That could be funny. I mean, if she's calmed down some since her wild days, sure, she might make a pretty decent partner. And if she's telling the truth about her dad being a lawyer, that can't hurt either.
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She's a fictional construct. She isn't and was never was real. You'll never meet anyone like her again because she's fake. The "nice" girls you've met in the world were just being nice and pitying you because you are no peach, that's why they held no appeal. You had things in common w/ "Susan" but then this troll gal calls you up again and you eventually drop "Susan" (might I add, after trying to have both at the same time). I have to ask, was "Susan" real, or just another telephone "girlfriend"?
 
So @The_Iconoclast hates change and wants to go back "to the good old days." When exactly is this golden age of America? And for the love of god please don't say it's when you dated that broad that broke your heart. Don't come off as more pathetic.
 
The_Iconoclast said:
@WWWWolf-- You can read more of my stories here. Maybe you'll find one more to your liking.
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I will give them a read when I can, though I have to say that the formatting of the page is tad tricky to say the least - I'll need to convert them to ebook format and remove the formatting first so that I can read them on my Android tablet.

Edit: Dammit, the HTML was such a mess that the program I used for ebook conversions crashed. Wonderful. Some other day, then!
 
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