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Ah, the metal archives. You're spending all your time looking at the bands, but the real weaponised autism is in the reviews. When these guys hate an album, they REALLY hate it.

Master Of Puppets 0%: The Album That Killed Heavy Metal.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Metallica/Master_of_Puppets/547/UltraBoris/147

Quite apart from the fact he's obviously lambasting a classic just to be contrarian, the stupidest thing about this review is that he says he'd give it 62% for the music and it isn't bad, but proceeds to rage for several paragraphs about how it's pretty much the worst thing to have ever happened to music.

I always found this Wintersun review entertaining as well.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Wintersun/Time_I/349413/lord_ghengis/89436

lord_ghengis said:
Jari is so arrogant that if he went the Amon Amarth route and made an action figure of himself, it'd effectively be a Mr Potato Head with his own face, except all the the detachable parts would just be smaller versions of his own face. I don't see epic landscapes when listening to this, I see a stuck up Finnish knob, sitting in a room with walls covered in self portraits, playing a keyboard. No, wait, I don't even see that. I see him in his face-room sitting on a computer, layering dozens of chintzy keyboard tracks together carelessly, crying at his own majesty.
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Having seen these explosions of vitriol get past moderators, I decided to write a not very stealthy parody review of Cryptopsy's The Unspoken King. It's still there.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Cryptopsy/The_Unspoken_King/193915/BurnedAndDied/387201

So, yes, they're not the smartest people around.

With metal and heavy music in general there's a pretty strong dissonance between most people you meet at shows and people who hang around forums like the metal archives. Most people at shows are fairly ordinary and easy going, but online metal communities tend to be full of spergs who take everything way too seriously. The worst ones probably don't even go to many shows because they don't get out much at all. I'd advise anyone getting into the genre not to get an impression of the other fans through the archives or /r/metal or whatever, since those forums really aren't representative of the general fanbase.

Online metal fans tend to rant about hating metalcore endlessly, for example, while I've found that in real life most fans like some of it, even though it's hardcore, not metal. I've never got any crap for liking The Dillinger Escape Plan, Converge, or Sikth at a show, but on some online communities anything with -core except maybe grindcore gets immediately dismissed.
 
Pointless Pedant said:
With metal and heavy music in general there's a pretty strong dissonance between most people you meet at shows and people who hang around forums like the metal archives. Most people at shows are fairly ordinary and easy going, but online metal communities tend to be full of spergs who take everything way too seriously. The worst ones probably don't even go to many shows because they don't get out much at all. I'd advise anyone getting into the genre not to get an impression of the other fans through the archives or /r/metal or whatever, since those forums really aren't representative of the general fanbase.

Online metal fans tend to rant about hating metalcore endlessly, for example, while I've found that in real life most fans like some of it, even though it's hardcore, not metal. I've never got any crap for liking The Dillinger Escape Plan, Converge, or Sikth at a show, but on some online communities anything with -core except maybe grindcore gets immediately dismissed.
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Yeah, the majority of users on metal-archives are a bunch of basement dwelling neckbeards who will call you a poser unless you like their favorite generic, dime-o-dozen black metal bands that nobody else cares about.

I remember making a relatively negative review years ago there on Darkthrone's Translvanian Hunger (I gave it around a 21%), and the review got met with so much butthurt. I think its been deleted since. Lol Meh, Im more of a thrash/NWOBHM fan, tbh which is why I still lurk there.

Not to mention, their extremeist views on what bands they consider metal, and which bands they don't.

I will admit though, I do like hells_unicorn's reviews. He writes some pretty good and informative album reviews, and he's got good taste.
 
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GlassesWearingGenie said:
Yeah, the majority of users on metal-archives are a bunch of basement dwelling neckbeards who will call you a poser unless you like their favorite generic, dime-o-dozen black metal bands that nobody else cares about.

I remember making a relatively negative review years ago there on Darkthrone's Translvanian Hunger (I gave it around a 21%), and the review got met with so much butthurt. I think its been deleted since. Lol Meh, Im more of a thrash/NWOBHM fan, tbh which is why I still lurk there.

Not to mention, their extremeist views on what bands they consider metal, and which bands they don't.

I will admit though, I do like hells_unicorn's reviews. He writes some pretty good and informative album reviews, and he's got good taste.
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Well, to be fair, Transilvanian Hunger is one of the highest regarded black metal albums. Black metal isn't for everyone, especially raw sounding stuff like that, but it's probably better to just avoid it rather than panning it when it's not really your thing. Very low scores should really be reserved for stuff that fails dismally at the genre it's trying to be, rather than something that's in a genre you just don't like. There's plenty of abysmal black metal like Animae Capronii (which bizarrely turned Christian) which doesn't even appeal to fans of the genre.

The rules about what is and isn't metal are more arbitrary than anything else. It's true that metalcore and deathcore are hardcore, not metal, but they aren't consistent with what they let on the site. I don't see what definition of metal includes Faith No More but excludes Dir En Grey, for example. I like both, but they're both experimental bands with some metal elements and some progressive and alternative elements, and DEG's a lot further over on the metal side these days.
 
Abethedemon said:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=mER2H-hW_OYHere's some typical Bob Macabre if you're wondering what one of his (many) projects sounds like
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I can't get through the whole thing. I stopped at like three minutes in. It makes no sense. It just goes from one thing to another. Bu tI guess he's got to keep pursuing that dream.

The elitism in metal is really stupid. Everyone wants to be the "real" fan.
 
I mentioned Animae Capronii earlier. I think he deserves a bit more attention. Maybe even a lolcow thread. I should make one.

Cesare Sannino is a musician as prolific as he is terrible, with 30 full length albums released under the name Animae Capronii between 2006 and 2014. Most of this music consisted of "unblack metal", or Christian black metal, bizarre as that sounds. From the metal archives:

Metal archives said:
Animae Capronii never had a real bass until summer 2013, when Cesare bought a 2nd-hand one from his bandmate bassist in MOEX The Bliss.
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This is rather indicative of the music's quality.

In 2015 he started a new project, Trust Your Heart, which is supposed to be traditional heavy metal. He has already released 8 albums, the first of which a metal blog has reviewed:

http://www.metal-observer.com/3.o/review/trust-your-heart-trust-your-heart/

metal-observer said:
Cesare Sannino is a busy man, or one with way too much time at his hands. After 30 albums with Animae Capronii in nine years and participations in Cervus Nebulae, Dockalfar, Evig Begravelse, Hatecraft, Nazgoat (all black metal, with Animae Capronii being outspokenly “unblack”), MOEX, Violent Shit and a few solo albums, he now is offering his first effort under the Trust Your Heart banner and unlike the vast majority of his previous output, this one is heavy metal. Kind of. It is the closest to what this self-titled debut album is.



While the lyrics are purely Christian, which is not a problem in itself, the quality of them is a first obstacle in the enjoyment of Trust Your Heart, not because of English being a second language here, but overall. It is an obstacle, though, that could be overlooked, if the quality of the music was above average, but in the case of Trust Your Heart one really have to do that, because chances are that the ears will not trust this effort one bit.



Now where to start… The drum computer sounds exactly like that, mechanical and out of the box, the guitar riffs can barely be called such, the keyboards are cheap and sound like one of the Casio synths that you hear in basements or cheesy schlager soirees and the vocals are…let’s just say not good either, especially when he goes a little gruffer in some sections. The songs themselves are weak, incoherent, lack flow, inspiration, atmosphere, melodies, heaviness (all depending on whichever direction one would be looking at) and the production settles right in there with it all.



The intent is clear, trying to create some sort of epic and somewhat atmospheric kind of metal, using uplifting lyrics to aid the lost souls wrest themselves from the grip of evil. The execution is a fail in each of these departments, as harsh as it may sound. To single out certain songs would be a futile attempt to put the spotlight on anything here, just so much, closing “Blood Sacrifice” is a cover version of British unblack metal band Cryptic Embrace and not only is it pointless, it also does not fit in with the rest of the album, maybe an unsuccessful attempt to tie Trust Your Heart’s style with Sannino’s musical directions from the past.



All in all Trust Your Heart will probably mostly serve one purpose out there, to be used as a prime example of not how to do things. The saying “neither fish nor fowl” doesn’t even apply here, this is like the meat lover’s platter in a raw vegan restaurant. Avoid at all cost!
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Experience the grim kvltness here:

 
I'm not sure if simply being utterly talentless merits a lolcow thread, though. I've never heard of him tard raging in response to criticism.
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Sandwich_Full_of_Fuck/3540419670
3540419670_photo.jpg

Has this guy been mentioned yet?
http://www.metal-archives.com/artists/Nathaniel_Leveck/568843
Nathaniel Leveck is a guy who is essentially making a billion bands of various genres in his bumfuck town in Wyoming of all places.
Here's a review of one of his projects
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Enord_Khan/Demonic_Ambassador/595839/
 
Abethedemon said:
http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Sandwich_Full_of_Fuck/3540419670
3540419670_photo.jpg

Has this guy been mentioned yet?
http://www.metal-archives.com/artists/Nathaniel_Leveck/568843
Nathaniel Leveck is a guy who is essentially making a billion bands of various genres in his bumfuck town in Wyoming of all places.
Here's a review of one of his projects
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Enord_Khan/Demonic_Ambassador/595839/
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Never heard of him before. Seems like releasing a ridiculous amount of stuff is a relatively common strategy among talentless musicians.
 
Pointless Pedant said:
I'm not sure if simply being utterly talentless merits a lolcow thread, though. I've never heard of him tard raging in response to criticism.
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Speaking of which, would GG Allin have classified as a lolcow? I watched his documentary once, and he used to react terribly to criticism, plus his live shows were :horrifying: to say the least.
 
GlassesWearingGenie said:
Speaking of which, would GG Allin have classified as a lolcow? I watched his documentary once, and he used to react terribly to criticism, plus his live shows were :horrifying: to say the least.
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He ate shit and threw it as well, he self-mutilated, blabbed on about how he'd one day become an hero onstage at one of his shows. Definitely a horrowcow.
 
VLAD said:
931be4f3efeb2222e527dbf11991af49fc24398afa76d657a64d3c734109d390.jpg
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Get a load of these guys! There's no photo of band members, but it's unnecessary, because... look at this.

QPhotcO.jpg

Eximperituserqethhzebibšiptugakkathšulweliarzaxułum
Country of origin: Belarus
Location: Minsk
Status: Active
Formed in: 2009
Genre: Technical Death Metal
Lyrical themes: Sumerian/Babylonian Mysticism, Occultism, Annihilation, Death
Current label: Amputated Vein Records
Years active: 2009-present

Pronounced in full "Eximpe-ritu-serqethh-zeb[ul]ib-šiptu-gakkath-šu[r]l-welia[l]r-za-xu[l]ł-um" the band is usually referred to as "Eximperitus".

Eximperituserqethhzebibšiptugakkathšulweliarzaxułum's explanation of the 51-character name:
"An author's individual agglutinative neologism. In it's creation there were used some Latin, Ancient Egyptian, Akkadian and Sumerian terms of the Chaosatanic tradition. It entirely reveals the unutterable name of the antiuniverse. When divided into fragments, it creates the magic spell of the formless Lords of the prior Darkness".

:story:

Their first and only album is a masterpiece of purest autism ever known to man.
vmeZmpc.jpg

"Prajecyrujučy Sinhuliarnaje Wypramieńwańnie Daktryny Absaliutnaha J Usiopahłynaĺnaha Zła Skroź Šaścihrannuju Pryzmu Sîn-Ahhī-Erība Na Hipierpawierchniu Zadyjakaĺnaha Kaŭčęha Zasnawaĺnikaŭ Kosmatęchničnaha Ordęna Palieakantakta, Najstaražytnyja Ipastasi Dawosiewych Cywilizacyj Prywodziać U Ruch Ręzanansny Transfarmatar Časowapadobnaj Biaskoncaści Budučyni U Ćwiardyniach Absierwatoryi Nwn-Hu-Kek-Amon, Uwasabliajučy Ŭ Ęfirnuju Matęryju Prach Ałulima Na Zachad Ad Ękzapłaniety PSRB 1620-26b" (Projecting the singular emission ov the Doctrine ov Absolute and All-Absorbing Evil through the hexahedral prism ov Sîn-Ahhī-Erība upon the hypersurface ov zodiacal arc ov the cosmotechnical order ov paleocontact founders the utterly ancient hypostases ov pre-axes civilizations actuate the resonance transformer ov temporally similar to the eternity ov the future in the towers ov Nwn-Hu-Kek-Amon’s obcervatory embodying the ashes ov Alulim into the ethereal matter to the west ov exoplanet PSRB 1620-26b)

Track list:
1. Transhręsiŭnaje ŭšęście Ęn-miendurana skroź pramianistuju dęĺtu Wialikaha Architęktara Al-Sadirah minujučy modusy času Ankh-f-n-Khonsu, niewiadomaha wartaŭnika wuzłoŭ Maa-Atef-F, da abicieli Adąda, wysmaĺwajučaha trysmiehičnym wiedańniem mistęryj sęfitaŭ Arual-Jøruvalla dahmatyčnaje traktawańnie Paradoksu Fiermi j pryčynnuju dynamičnuju tryjanhuliacyju Ancitętyki Ęŭklida, pierasliedujučy pieraradžęńnie ŭnutrana Razdwojenaha Čystaha Rozumu ŭ branach Chaohnozisa Ŭrytry, pasrodkam spaścižęńnia katęchizisa, rytuaĺnych samahubstwaŭ Aghōra, imia jakomu: N = R ∙ ƒρ∙ ne∙ ƒl∙ ƒi∙ ƒc∙ L
2. Imknieńnie apantanaści hniewu Sębęka da słupoŭ twaręńnia ruin Aššurbanipała skroź zabaronieny šliach ęmpiryjakrytycyzmu miedytatyŭnych pahłyblieńniaŭ Ćiomnych Zaklinaĺnikaŭ pustyni ŭšęścia Płutona, uchiliajučy Tęliemičnyja tęaręmy skarabiejaŭ Małoj Kaliaśnicy Atmāna, pierapyniŭšych biaskoncy łancuh ręinkarnacyj, adwaryŭšy apahanieny kupał Pifaharyjanskaha pałancira snoŭ zmiainych wačęj Uładara Much, jaki zachoŭwaje paroh apošniaha wyhnańnia Nefėrkeperųre Wąenre Ęchnatona
3. Da pytańniaŭ ab suziraĺnym paznańni naradžęńnia trahiedyi j niaŭchiĺnaści hibeli isnaha ŭ Wučeńni Anihiliacyi, jak pra pieršaęliemienty praŭdziwaj pryrody askietyčnych praliehamienaŭ mižhałaktyčnaha smutku smierciśćwiardžajučaj mudraści Šapienhaŭęra, jakaja kuje apakatastasičnym połymiem hietęradaksaĺnaha katarsisu artęryi mietafizičnych siłahizmaŭ u liazo Liucyfieryjanskaha rozumu j Akaŭzaĺnaha Waliuntaryzmu, zwiartajučy ŭ prach saliarnyja zikkuraty apošniaha świtańnia nadychodziačaj Juhi Nicšęanstwa
4. Akružany parallieĺnymi cykłami biaźmiežnaści śmierci Baâl Wadalieja nakiroŭwaje wypaliennyja wačnicy kosmakarkasaŭ pachawaĺnych piramid pa toj bok miež twaręńnia asliapliajučych promńiaŭ Mietatrona da sciakajučych krywioj klinapisnych skryžaliaŭ sparchniełych prarokaŭ skasoŭwajučy samu mętazhodnaść byćcia jak pryncyp wieĺmiiłžywaj zdoĺnaści mierkawańnia jakaja nie maje ab’jektyŭnaha sęnsu, pryčyny, iściny j kaštoŭnaści
5. Somnambuličnyja tulliańni karawanaŭ ziłlijonnamiesiacowych rozumazrokaŭ žracoŭ Ïrminizmu, jakija pakidajuć pojas Kojpiera, skroź hnozis ękzistęncyjanaĺnaha immažynaryuma katakombaŭ Ra-Hoor-Khuit CVII wymiaręńnia uročyšča skarpijonaŭ, wykarmlienych pracham mierćwiakoŭ cykličnych turbuliencyj Chrama Sûtekh, da wytokaŭ antropamahičnaj dęmanałohii zwierchkancęntracyi ciemry ŭ pošukach zichatliwaha Trapiecyjaędra
6. Apałohija Samaźniščęńnia ŭ Daktrynie Wyzwalieńnia Philippa Mainländęra, jak dumka jakaja biaskonca pahłybliajecca ad z’jawy da sutnaści, jość adzina dakładnaje mierkawańnie ab Wyšęjšaj Marali Indywiduaĺnaj Woli supraćstajačaj Nieświadomamu, a tak ža sutnaść baraćby za Nieisnawańnie, što jość krajniaja supraćliehłaść asnoŭnym wiecham swietaŭładkawańnia, alie nie z’jaŭliajecca antynomijej sabie, z pryčyny łahičnaha wykliučęńnia Ręakcyjnym Piesiemizmam usiakaj inšaj ętyki, skažajučaj wizualizacyju pracęsu pamknieńnia Ducha ŭ kirunku, jaki ŭkazwaje Wolia da Śmierci
7. Rytuał pryzyŭnoha zaklionu ŭsioabdymnaj ęnierhii Ciemry, u hipastyĺnaj zalie matęryjalizacyi ŭwasablieńniaŭ Kokabaęła, zaklikany zubožyć ahafałahičnyja abliččy idałaŭ Anhârąka, zwajawaŭšych wypramieńwańnie pandęmaničnaha pantęonu Kheri-Beq-F, addajučy piaščanym wiatram Supăja prystupki mastaba šmatsuswietnaj intęrprętacyi Κονξ ομ Παξ, z mętaj zrynuć chanifičny impuĺs Kaâba jaki pieraškadžaje raspaŭsiudžwańniu baryjonnaj asimietryi niebuliarnych rahoŭ Satany
8. Paświačęńnie adęptam Salipsizmu uwažliwym da pastuliawańnia Von Hartmana ab Nieswiadomym u Z’jawach Cialiesnaha j Duchoŭnaha Žyćcia, što skažajuć azimutaĺny kut Palinhienęzii ad zawieršanaha ŭwasablieńnia liutaści Šywy da stęły adkryćcia Toţa nad prorwaj samaręalizacyi partałaŭ Inšabyćcia Mieskałamduha wyličajučy kanstantu začatkawaj formy nadychodziačaj Æry Rujnawańnia pasrodkam wyrašęńnia prabliemy raspaŭsiudžwańnia tęaręmy Kronękiera ab abieliewych paliach na adwoĺnuju ałhiebraičnuju wobłaść racyjanaĺnaści

:story: :story: :story:
I bet the Belarusian KGB tortures prisoners by forcing them to read these titles aloud.
It can be found on Youtube.

These guys are so exceptional, even other metalheads can't help but laugh at them.
 
The fact they only have 1 album, unlike most of the other tryhards we've discussed, strongly suggests that it was just done for a laugh.

Also, apart from the exceptional titles, they can actually play.
 
I can't remember who it was, but some band from another metal subgenre recorded a parodic black metal album under another name and it actually ended up getting good reviews from black metal fans.
 
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