How do you experience depression?

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I always thought it was being sad and stuff, but my own experience is so different than this.

I am not happy, but I am not sad, and I am fine most of the time. I just don’t want anything, but what I know I am supposed to want. I feel like a zombie in some ways. I’ll buy something expensive sometimes, just to feel something, because there really is nothing I want for the sake of wanting it.

Every year or so something breaks in me. It’s like a progressive thing where I almost become a social recluse. Fueled with sleepless nights and alcohol abuse to try and get to sleep. I focus on work like crazy and just decide to ignore everyone that actually cares about me.

I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to talk to them, I don’t want to hear about them. And the more I try to ignore them, the more I feel guilty about it, the deeper I sink.

Sometimes, often, I feel that they are dragging me down a worst path, resent them for it, and yet, they are the ones who always end up digging me up from the hole I dug for myself. And I love them for it at that point. Things will get better until it happens again.

Thank you for reading my blog post, what is it like for you depressed Kiwis?
 
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It's a complicated subject and the only person who really knows what the hell is going on with yourself is you. The only suggestion I can make in good faith is to unplug from the Internet for a while and spending some time on yourself and your loved ones. Try and set goals for yourself and attempt to change some of your bad habits, let people who want to help do so.

Good luck


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I've always been fairly apathetic and I'm generally not as emotionally involved as most of the people around me. I don't really view it as a problem, as long as I'm content with my situation I'm fine. The whole world is constantly trying to tell me how I'm supposed to live my life or what I'm supposed to want and I've just never shared the same view. People have generally been more understanding of this than I expected them to be and I've always been able to drag myself out of slumps when needed. Talking about it every now and then really helps, and thankfully I've never struggled with that unlike some other people I've met over the years who just keep bottling up their issues.
 
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Never been diagnosed for it, because I don't believe in therapy. It may work for NPC's, but I like to dig into and know the process. It just sounds like a mind game, hoping to let yourself be tricked/manipulated. Which seems weird and make therapists seem like glorified scam artists. Even the science about psychology says its hugely experimental. My opinion is that it only works for the most low IQ NPC's there is. And I'm very against taking medicines for it, as they just fuck you over even more. Just in a different way.

Anyway, pretty sure I am that and it's pretty much being apathetic and moments where I want to cry. There comes nothing, because it won't be better by crying. If nobody cares, why should I?
It's existing, not living.

Me not having IRL friends and being completely alone does not make it better, and it's surprising in itself that I haven't an heroed. But honestly. I'm just to apathetic to it and people don't really interest me. I have tried to be friends with people, but in the end. They bore me, and they take me for granted. Just because I don't have friends, does not mean I need to accept being treated like shit and being alone is better.
I hate holidays though, because they are in your face about being together with friends or family.
 
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Vingle said:
but I like to dig into and know the process. It just sounds like a mind game, hoping to let yourself be tricked/manipulated. Which seems weird and make therapists seem like glorified scam artists. Even the science about psychology says its hugely experimental.
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The fact that there is more than one school says a lot about the accuracy. I won't dispute it, and I don't really care.

Nevertheless, I don't think that you should completely discount the value that can be found in expressing yourself to someone else.

I think that if, sometimes, I feel the need to post this kind of cringy thread, maybe I actually want somebody to talk to. Even if they are not that great of a therapist. It's better than nothing.
 
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Use to get sad depressed more often, like really just feeling like shit everyday. Combine that with anxiety and by habit to get trap in negative thought spirals and it was a pretty miserable experience.
Lost years to medication and pointless therapy until I just didn't feel like it anymore and cleaned myself up. All of that was just getting in the way of me actually maybe helping myself. It wasn't really helping me address the cause of my problems which wasn't just some chemical imbalance in the brain.

Now I'm in the lifeless stage more often than not with moments of kinda happy, which is better than the sad self-loathing depression. The sad depression does come back from time to time but that's usually triggered by life events. I guess I spent so much time being sad and miserable my brain really easily falls back into that groove.

rel=alternate said:
I am not happy, but I am not sad, and I am fine most of the time. I just don’t want anything, but what I know I am supposed to want. I feel like a zombie in some ways
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Anhedonia is what you're describing. It's a symptom of depression, some forms of it as least.

Vingle said:
And I'm very against taking medicines for it, as they just fuck you over even more.
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Kinda but not really. I spent a decade riding the medication merry-go-round and nothing helped. I don't even know what shit I was taking the last few years. I'm not really of the opinion that SSRIs make you a school shooter or something but I do think that medication is used as a crutch in treatment and often get used as a panacea without address the real cause. In my case I was (and kinda still am) just lonely and not exactly given much purpose by my job. Going out and touching grass and meeting people and trying to form meaningful relationships with others has done a lot more for me.

Granted some motherfuckers are just neurochemically fucked and need to be sedated for everyone's benefit, but I don't really think depression in most cases is like that.
 
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Mostly a lack energy and motivation plus having your mind getting stuck on things (at least for me which is why doing creative writing, among other things, has helped me well with preventing bigger depressive episodes for quite some time now).
 
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