How do I win at chess?

[Bargain Bin Laden]

Real answers only.

 

[Super Shiro]

I want to know why you're trying to win at a game about blacks vs. whites. That sounds a little racist to me!

 

[Swamp_Donkey]

play someone worse than you

 

[The Bovinian Derivative]

Vibrating anal beads (really).

 

[BPD Gunt Rider]

Play and study an unhealthy amount of time until you realize it's an endless climb of wasting time and mercifully quit.

 

[RACISM]

Physical intimidation of your opponent. Make them think it's best to let the wookie win.

 

[Meat Target]

Take out your opponent's Rooks ASAP. Those bastards will wreck your shit.

 

[Feefee81093]

You have to capture the king.

 

[CowPox]

Lock your family in a closet and burn the house down.

 

[Saddam Hussain Obama]

flip over the table and call your opponant sexist for not letting a real women like you win

 

[vomitusdeux]

Literally just shit on the board, what are they gonna do? Call you a loser? Then you can just fling it at them Nicholas Dryden style.

 

[Tekken Enjoyer]

To win a chess game you will need to do six things:

1. Make Good Opening Moves
2. Do Not Give Away Pieces For Free
3. Get Your Pieces In Position
4. Coordinate An Attack On The King
5. Watch The Safety Of Your Own King
6. Always Be A Good Sport

I came up with this on my own and did not copy it from anywhere.

 

[dick brain]

There's literally nothing in the rules that says you can't punch your opponent in the face.

Also play chess960/Fischerandom so you're instantly out of book instead of encyclopedically reciting memorized openings like rain man.

 

[Unamused Bounty Hunter]

You cannot win chess by playing by its rules otherwise you end up with Magnus Carlson autism or Garry Kasparov Putin Derangement Syndrome, it's like jumping into a pit of nuclear waste expecting yourself to become spiderman. The only way you can truly win is to replace your pieces with a main battle tank and drive it over the other player's pieces, as well as them.