How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Zeb Macahan said:
But here we go I guess
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That is a lot of hardship to go through, both emotionally, mentally and professionally. I'm so sorry to hear that.
I highly relate to your introvertedness and your dream of solitude.
It's not easy, but I do think you could bounce back. It'd take a lot of grit and effort, but you're already being actively beaten down by the family member you live with. Far from an ideal situation.
Do you have any friends or a non-abusive family member you could live with instead? Couch surfing an option? Alternatively, have you been in contact with your local government, surely they have some kind of program to get you housed.
 
I'm heading home after spending several weeks helping my parents out with some stuff. It was the longest sustained interaction I've had with them in 15-ish years and it's become depressingly obvious how much they've slipped mentally, especially my dad who's picked up Twitter doomscrolling as his retirement hobby for some reason.

They're not quite full-blown old people just yet, but they're not the same sharp, savvy, critical-thinking parental figures I remember either. Feels bad, man.
 
Getmeout said:
Oh, uh, I think we have two different definitions of "self-love" lol.
I grew up religious so I know what you're talking about, for some weird reason the religious like to describe what most people call "selfishness" as "self-love" (They tend to do that, to grab words that amongst 90% of people have a normal meaning and then turn it into slang for something bad. I never got it, it always felt like you were asking for people to misinterpret you.). Stuff like staring at the mirror checking yourself out for hours or being envious of your friend's achievements cause you're so fucking perfect and YOU should be praised instead.

Most people nowadays in the U.S when they say "self-love" they more so mean "Not self-hate". Like waking up at a good time, or not starving yourself, or choosing to go outside. For example, when a shrink tells you to "love yourself" they don't mean "GO GAMBLE AND DRINK AND FUCK WOMEN" they more so mean "Please stop slitting your wrists.". These religious language gaps are some strange stuff, I reckon it might be because of the fact that most Christian denominations started in a different language. Unless ur Anglican ig.
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I'm Orthodox not a prot (derogatory). There's a reason despondency is mentioned in the quote, and I mentioned self hatred being the same coin of self love: they both focus way too much on the self.

You're main focus in your depression, at least that you've shown here, is your race and you bearing the sins of those of the same race. Will you get over that? Remains to be seen. What would help is again, seeing a priest or therapist, and doing small kind things within your immediate community.
MazonLabs Recruitment Rep said:
If you're white and Christian, anyway, let's not put on airs just because it's that kind of thread
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Yeah it's not like I'm trying to help a black man stop hating himself or anything.....

The Feline Solution 2 said:
my youngest brother's new GF, who is muslim
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Tell your brother to claim his gf's holy lands for Christendom
 
Flee from self-love, the mother of malice, which is an irrational love for the body. For from it are born the three chief sinful passions: gluttony, avarice, and vainglory, which take their causes from bodily needs, and from them all the tribe of the passions is born. This why we must always oppose self-love and fight against it. Whoever rejects self-love will easily conquer all the other passions with the help of God: anger, despondency, rancor, and the others. But whoever is retained by self-love will even unwillingly be conquered by the above-named passions
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Squanto Airi said:
Self hatred is the same coin of self love, not the opposite.
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An interesting quote, I can definitely see it applying to some of my own struggles. Although I would label it self-obsession instead of self-love, I think that would get the message across more clearly to some people. As you already said, both self hatred and self love are essentially the same in focusing too much on the self.
Getmeout said:
These religious language gaps are some strange stuff, I reckon it might be because of the fact that most Christian denominations started in a different language. Unless ur Anglican ig.
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I think this applies to more than just religion. I've long thought a lot of conflict and debate comes from people who might otherwise agree misinterpreting certain phrases and arguing over it. Each group has their own language and way to refer to certain notions, ideas, and I think this leads to a lot of misunderstandings. And it's also why I hate alphabetsoupers who distort language and spread even more chaos.
 
long waters said:
I think this applies to more than just religion. I've long thought a lot of conflict and debate comes from people who might otherwise agree misinterpreting certain phrases and arguing over it. Each group has their own language and way to refer to certain notions, ideas, and I think this leads to a lot of misunderstandings.
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I think a lot more people could agree on a lot more things if the language wasn't so loaded. Many a debate I've been in and it turns out we were saying the same exact thing to eachother for 10 minutes.
 
the khat quaffer said:
How I'm fuckin' doing???

"It's a hot night. The mind races.
You think about your knife.
The only friend who hasn't betrayed you.
The only friend who won't be dead by sunup."

Awaiting to get the call/email for a job offer. Passed all 5 interviews, got a call Friday saying they were all impressed and wanted to move forward to the offer stage. Got a rough salary range, asked about availability....but nothing's been signed yet. Said to wait to some time this week.

It's been a shit year and a half. So much gone wrong. I can't help but feel anxious.
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In one week's fell swoop,

I found out one of my innards is *drumroll* doing just fine. Healthy. Stay off the fatty stuff. Exercise. 'Tings of dat sort.
The career move of my life is moving forward and has confirmed my employment.
The shade tree I planted out front last year, seemed dead after this winter? It's sprouted buds and is getting more green each day.
The grapefruit tree my imbecile cousin got drunk and hacked to bits, despite no water has sprouted and is green. I am now watering & caring for it daily.

I'd wager that things are alright.
 
I got diagnosed with "Inattentive ADHD" the other week (in my 30s). Feels kinda weird, though I've thought for a little while now there has to be a reason I fuck everything up. Been prescribed dexamphetamine, will see if it makes me more of a functional adult 🤷‍♂️
 
Some students gifted me chocolate for passover

On the other hand, due to the holiday another class attended with my regular one, and they sure pissed me off. I don't know what weakass is teaching those kids, but they didn't get any slack from me. They did what they were told, that's the way it is with me around
 
Halfway through a week off at the parents'. Got a few matches on an app before I left for here and it has kept me reasonably entertained. It was however absurdly obvious it'd burn down at some point because both had "leftist" buzzwords in their bios and literally no one here use left/right terminology but the terminally online.

I'm tired of skating the line of sort-of being hopeful for partnership. I'd hate to deal with a lukewarm flirt but the chances of anyone good being available at this point is near zero. It's no skin off my back to write a bunch and unmatch but like jobs, there's so few of them.

Right now near the capital, nothing but 8/10 fit career women. Yawn. At home there's at least a few decent homebodies who were likewise dealt a bad hand, but to even think of living with someone else is enough to ruin the loneliest erection.
 
I am so close to walking out of this gods and Devils forsaken food truck.


My one good coworker quit out of the blue (I understand why, I'm not mad at him for doing so, Im upset he didn't even give me a hint of warning he was looking for a new job instead of just leaving when he knows I struggle with sudden change. "Hey you're gonna have a stressful week, sorry". What the fuck, man.)


So, there's only two of us working right now. So that means we each only get one day off, which is whatever, but in order for that to happen the other has to work both shifts. So I worked one double shift, twelve fucking hours, and then I worked the day after that and today, and I'll work tomorrow, and I don't fucking know what's happening with them hiring someone new because they don't fucking communicate.


I hate working alone, especially now that it's summer and its getting busier. The repetitive motion is rough on my muscles to the point it hurts to breathe after pulling a double shift. Yes, I'm out of shape, no I don't care right now but I acknowledge that's part of the problem. I hate the Stress making food for people comes with, I hate the smell of grease I can't wash out of my skin, I hate the inconsistent scheduling, I hate that I'm so tired after some shifts that I don't do anything with the rest of my day.


I feel like I'm not allowed to complain because it's my fault I'm working here. I rotted on my useless ass for so long this is the only place that would take me, and that I should shut up and be grateful they even bothered. And I obviously cannot just walk out because if I want out of here ever, I'll need every good reference I can get. Also I'm 99.95% sure that the owners are secretly crime bosses who I'm not keen on pissing off.


Ok. Shit fit over. Thanks for letting me scream into the void, kiwis. Keeps me from crawling into the frier.
 
I'm a wee bit wistful and even maudlin (or malding 🙂). It was 10 years ago this evening that my mother passed away.

I still miss her.
 
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
the chances of anyone good being available at this point is near zero.
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How old are you? If you're under 50, you're being ridiculous. (If you're over 50, sad high-five).
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
It's no skin off my back to write a bunch and unmatch but like jobs, there's so few of them.
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I'm not sure that looking for a relationship (or general decency) should be treated so offhandedly. Seems rude - though yes, I do understand OLD, and yes, you have to keep a mental distance, but maybe be more selective with matches, especially since:
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
Right now near the capital, nothing but 8/10 fit career women. Yawn. At home there's at least a few decent homebodies who were likewise dealt a bad hand, but to even think of living with someone else is enough to ruin the loneliest erection.
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This is all very confusing. It reads as you don't want decently fit people with jobs, and prefer a homebody (which means...unfit and jobless?), but also you don't even want to pair up.

On that last point, aversion to living with someone is fair but seems to be putting the cart before the horse when you're just matching for potential possible interest online. And if you don't want the possibility of a perm or semi-perm (cohabiting) relationship ultimately, then don't reach out to people who do. That would certainly lower the "noise" and time sink. I'd think homebodies who want no seriousness might be a pretty defined group.
 
Shitted Scaredless said:
I hate working alone, especially now that it's summer and its getting busier. The repetitive motion is rough on my muscles to the point it hurts to breathe after pulling a double shift. Yes, I'm out of shape, no I don't care right now but I acknowledge that's part of the problem. I hate the Stress making food for people comes with, I hate the smell of grease I can't wash out of my skin, I hate the inconsistent scheduling, I hate that I'm so tired after some shifts that I don't do anything with the rest of my day.
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I know exactly what you mean. I pulled lots of double shifts bartending and couldn't stand the smell of the stale beer that deposits beneath the grates

12 hour shifts are fucking brutal, especially when people don't appreciate what you do. And you get out so damn tired that you can't enjoy your time off
 
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⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
Halfway through a week off at the parents'. Got a few matches on an app before I left for here and it has kept me reasonably entertained. It was however absurdly obvious it'd burn down at some point because both had "leftist" buzzwords in their bios and literally no one here use left/right terminology but the terminally online.

I'm tired of skating the line of sort-of being hopeful for partnership. I'd hate to deal with a lukewarm flirt but the chances of anyone good being available at this point is near zero. It's no skin off my back to write a bunch and unmatch but like jobs, there's so few of them.

Right now near the capital, nothing but 8/10 fit career women. Yawn. At home there's at least a few decent homebodies who were likewise dealt a bad hand, but to even think of living with someone else is enough to ruin the loneliest erection.
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You didn't ask for any advice but I'm a boomer faggot so you're getting some.

The best advice I ever heard for how to attract a woman worth being with is to completely forget about dating/seeing anyone for the next 6-18 months. Focus on yourself instead. Commit to doing whatever you think is worth your time as far as becoming the kind of man you want to be. This isn't to say you're not a good partner as is but you and I both know you could be better. It's like a mathematical limit.

Really lean into it. If you can do all this not only will you have shown yourself that you can walk a path with discipline, a very valuable and attractive trait, you're that much farther towards being the man you want to be. You'll be a lot more content with yourself and I guarantee others will notice this. This will include women that you'd enjoy building a life with. You still have to shoot your shot, of course, but you'll see that you can go for women that you'd have a much harder time locking down now.

Simple but not in any way easy. I can tell you from personal experience it's worth the effort.
 
Feel like a piece of shit. No particular reason, just the usual.

I can't sleep. I can't sleep despite the fact that I've gone to bed early and almost straight away after coming home from family dinner for the last couple of weeks.
I can't stop looping over inconsequential shit, like my father calling my bullshit and straight up asking me why I don't take a weekend off to visit my sister and my nieces in Copenhagen, if I want to spend time with the girls outside of the holidays/birthdays that we see them for. "But dad, I can't stand my sister or BIL. But dad, I can't stand people for longer than a couple of hours a day, max. But dad, I have a dog who needs our usual boring everyday routine," in reality it's just excuses to avoid a MAYBE chance of anxiety, and excuses to avoid travelling solo for the first time proper since 2009.
In my head, I am a failure of a human being simply for being unable to entertain the idea of a day-trip to doodle and be creative with my nieces, because I am worried about the approximate 30% chance I'll have a meltdown (and even that guestimate is high because I have never had a full public meltdown even before I was medicated).

I would like to schedule a brain transplant, because mine is clearly FUBAR. Just toss it in the trash, it's not even worth making into animal feed.
 
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