How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Although I'm drifting through different stages of being overwhelmed I'm feeling generally ok.
My husband's family is coming over on Saturday for Easter, because it was the only date which was agreeable for all.
I am super nervous and I'm not looking forward to a whole day of hostessing and pretending that I'm not nervous and really bad at socializing. At family events I sort of lurk in the kitchen and then make my rounds of talking to people and then go back to finding things to do in the kitchen. Keeping shorts interactions is good and if I am feeling overwhelmed I can focus on tasks in the kitchen and then recouperate and refocus.

Recently I've made a few IRL friends with a fake it until you make it sort of attitude and I am slowly becoming less terrified of talking to people. Apparently I am really good at remembering names and it definitely helps and then find something inane to talk about and pretend that I do this all the time. I am still struggling with small talk and finding things to fill the awkward conversational void.

🎉 I'm going home for the summer!!!🎉🌲

The house needs to be packed up but I'm also going to be spending some much needed time up at the cabin but I am so excited to get out of here for a few weeks and get back into nature and away from everyone.

Husband and I just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary , it was a fun day. Although he offered to buy me new clothes, going to a thrift store is a better value and I ended up spending $28 dollars on two pairs of pants and four sweaters. Then we went duckpin bowling and I so beat his ass so badly. Husband thought he was being helpful giving me tips but it only guaranteed he lost. He wanted a milkshake and if course the machines at McDonald's weren't working so I found him a restaurant in the back of a shop and he got a traditional milkshake and was really happy.

Fuck, I got to get out of bed and see what type of chaos the kitchen is in again.
 
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I'm about to be employed again, I'm playing golf soon, my exercise and diet has been shaping up quite well, and I'm about to take a fat midday nap. Things are pretty good.

I just gotta get out more. Get some hobbies where I can interact with people or something, the social life is a bit lacking. I tend to like solitary activities though so I'm not totally sure how I'd go about it. Gotta meet some people my age, somehow. If anyone has any ideas I'm all ears but other than that all the stuff to keep me alive and in good health is very much in place.
 
I decided to make some coffee with some gourmet java beans I got at a local coffee/tea house. Yummy, much better than any pre-ground grounds you'd get at a grocery store. I made vietnamese-inspired ice coffee with it, though not as heavy on the condensed milk as I used to do.
That's all well and good, but now the caffeine anxiety is hitting my veins and I just learned some terrible news about some of my favourite streamers. What a terrible day to have a curse.
I should eat something.

At least I got the important chores done today so I can enjoy Saturday dinner with my parents tomorrow with no guilt.
I still have some dishes to wash, I wish cooking didn't automatically mean I have a ton of dishes to do afterwards even when I only make one-pot meals...
 
Squanto Airi said:
No. Turns your attention and affection towards something else.
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My attention and affection is towards destroying myself, not much else to love in this crazy world.
If I can't love myself, I can't love much of anything else. Why would you approach anything if you're not worthy to?
 
Getmeout said:
I can't love myself, I can't love much of anything else. Why would you approach anything if you're not worthy to?
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To quote St. Maximus the Confessor:
Flee from self-love, the mother of malice, which is an irrational love for the body. For from it are born the three chief sinful passions: gluttony, avarice, and vainglory, which take their causes from bodily needs, and from them all the tribe of the passions is born. This why we must always oppose self-love and fight against it. Whoever rejects self-love will easily conquer all the other passions with the help of God: anger, despondency, rancor, and the others. But whoever is retained by self-love will even unwillingly be conquered by the above-named passions
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Self hatred is the same coin of self love, not the opposite.
 
Squanto Airi said:
To quote St. Maximus the Confessor:

Self hatred is the same coin of self love, not the opposite.
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Oh, uh, I think we have two different definitions of "self-love" lol.
I grew up religious so I know what you're talking about, for some weird reason the religious like to describe what most people call "selfishness" as "self-love" (They tend to do that, to grab words that amongst 90% of people have a normal meaning and then turn it into slang for something bad. I never got it, it always felt like you were asking for people to misinterpret you.). Stuff like staring at the mirror checking yourself out for hours or being envious of your friend's achievements cause you're so fucking perfect and YOU should be praised instead.

Most people nowadays in the U.S when they say "self-love" they more so mean "Not self-hate". Like waking up at a good time, or not starving yourself, or choosing to go outside. For example, when a shrink tells you to "love yourself" they don't mean "GO GAMBLE AND DRINK AND FUCK WOMEN" they more so mean "Please stop slitting your wrists.". These religious language gaps are some strange stuff, I reckon it might be because of the fact that most Christian denominations started in a different language. Unless ur Anglican ig.
 
I got talked to again by my coach for my music. It's not what I'm playing but the crybaby is going on about the volume, of which I've been keeping a modest volume down. I don't know what the fuck this guy's problem is. He has no problem with niggers yapping on their phones talking to their shit family, but the guy has it out for me over the music. Fucking christ dude, he's itching for a fight someday, over the pettiest shit.
 
nycifer said:
I got talked to again by my coach for my music. It's not what I'm playing but the crybaby is going on about the volume, of which I've been keeping a modest volume down. I don't know what the fuck this guy's problem is. He has no problem with niggers yapping on their phones talking to their shit family, but the guy has it out for me over the music. Fucking christ dude, he's itching for a fight someday, over the pettiest shit.
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Time to gift him a pair of cheap ear plugs.
 
The Farms is not the place for this, but I guess this thread is the most appropriate. Call me a retarded faggot, I actually appreciate the fact that people here are brutally honest (and allowed to be so, free speech and all)
I've been really suicidal lately. Had a stint of it many years ago and ended up in a psychiatric ward for a few days, that sucked. then I was ok for many years. From the outside I look like the most stable normie, although my life is sort of going downhill. Would be a massive powerlevel to explain why I am in the situation I am in right now but I honestly don't see a way out of it. Planning to do it when I've got some things in order. I have one family member still alive who truly cares for me and would be devastated if I died... that's the only thing keeping me going right now.
This is not a call for attention, no need to answer (except to point out how retarded it is to write this on the farms of all places lol)
I just needed to vent a bit I guess.
I hope things are much better for you all.

Edit: the fact that a person with the username @Motherf*cker reacted with "feels" made me laugh out loud. Thank you ❤️
 
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A bit more than 30 days without a drink, hit home with a vengeance tonight. Was at my Ma's for a Good Friday's feast with two of my brothers and my girlfriend plus my youngest brother's new GF, who is muslim. I'd like to think we didn't leave that girl too traumatized :story:
 
Zeb Macahan said:
The Farms is not the place for this, but I guess this thread is the most appropriate.
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You would be surprised at how human the farms can be compared to the wider normie Internet.
I'm so sorry that you're going through some rough shit rn, friend. Please, if you can without powerlevelling, tell us about it.
I might not be able to provide wisdom of a long life well-lived, but I know others ITT who can and happily will. I'm just another mentally ill faggot <3
 
This why we must always oppose self-love and fight against it.
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Got that department well and truly covered, Max! I've been looking for a jar of marinara sauce to coat the barrel of my revolver to take the metallic taste out of it when I put it in my mouth.

PetiteFeet said:
You would be surprised at how human the farms can be compared to the wider normie Internet.
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If you're white and Christian, anyway, let's not put on airs just because it's that kind of thread.
 
PetiteFeet said:
You would be surprised at how human the farms can be compared to the wider normie Internet.
I'm so sorry that you're going through some rough shit rn, friend. Please, if you can without powerlevelling, tell us about it.
I might not be able to provide wisdom of a long life well-lived, but I know others ITT who can and happily will. I'm just another mentally ill faggot <3
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Thank you for your kindness ❤️
If I write about everything people could definitely figure out who I am if they ever happened upon this post and my account.

Edit: Too much powerlevelling deleted.
 
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I'm extremely tired. Trying to balance pretty much everything so I can pass this semester. Gotten so bad I went to the library and just made a spreadsheet of everything I needed done before certain dates, then did 'em. Today was busy. Bounced between work, getting medication, grocery shopping, and I'm resting before I get into kitchen for tonight's dinner. I haven't realized how important managing shit like health really is. Feel like I started taking care of things late into the game, with trying to implement exercise back into my daily routine, and watching what I eat. Now if I can take care of this sleep bullshit, that'll be perfect...
 
Been sitting around the cheapest hostel in CDMX for 2 weeks, detoxing from the poison I take in USA to deal with helping my parents out while my dad fades away from stage 4 cancer. Also been sick from the stress/altitude - not so fun in a room with 10 people. I think this is about the cheapest rehab one can buy.
Going back home in 3 weeks. Hope I can find better ways of coping this time.
On the upside, Mexico City is really nice overall. The people are overall very kind and the city has a lot going for it. Scored some mangos for about 50 cents per kilo a few days ago. Haven't seen a price like that since I was in Bali 3 years ago. Vendors usually resent when a gringo finds great deals like that haha. We are supposed to be in the rich areas paying top dollar.
I feel kind of blessed to be able to travel in this day and age, when it feels like travel could soon become a thing of the past for the non-elite, so I will end on that positive note.
 
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