How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Close to Rock Bottom my mom collapsed and (possibly) had a seizure today, I was already cycling between decent mood and absolute anger,depresssion,and delusion for like this entire week, lucklily when the noise I trusted my instincts, luckily i called 911 and she's in the hospital, she had brain surgery last month and has a history of mental health issues, called my dad about it and he let my brother and sister know too and he was able to visit her in the hospital, i hope she makes it through,just trying to distract myself atm and hope to God she makes it
 
Spilled Spaghett said:
Easier said than done. People are human. We make mistakes constantly. Often we aren't aware of it until the damage is done. Different people have different ideas of what it means to be a dick or different tolerances. Especially if you have some kind of disorder you may act faster than you think, and once you've yelled at someone or got angry it's not as simple to undo that. Don't get me wrong in a lot of ways yes it really can be that easy to not be a dick. Sometimes you also over-analyze yourself and your mind forces you to retread all the mistakes you've ever made and how you should've been better.
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100%, and nicely put. Again, wasn't intending to be flip. It sounded like OP had something in mind, so was aware. I didn't really think in terms of impulsive actions, though, and I think I interpreted the comment as alluding to making a deliberate decision to be a jerk, so good point, as is your point about a retrospective look and regret.

I'd also say that sometimes it happens that you're actually trying to do it right or better and you end up still trampling over people or situations despite your efforts and strongest desires. (Parents might relate to that one.)
 
Banquet Meal said:
there isnt anything really wrong with being a dick. admittedly, i am guilty of this, but i dont feel like its a defect in my personality.

that is so sweet that he remembered!!
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He got me flowers and took me out to see Dracula: A Love Story! :christine:

I had forgotten that I had taken this picture but I stood laughing at it..
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Banquet Meal said:
so i dont have television at home...
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I don't own a TV myself though relatives I live with do. I am never buying one ever again.
Banquet Meal said:
the point is that i havent really seen commercials and such in almost 20 years, i guess...the commercials before the movie were weird. they were nonstop black people, white people insults, and other nonsense...it was crazy.
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Really, it's telling getting a look inside of the world normies live in, what they see in commercials portrayed in a positive way influences how the wider society behaves. They don't react well to people like you and me.
 
I spent my first Valentine's day single since 2023 at the airsoft field. Got some good games in, burned a fuckton of calories and had some pretty good moments. Got some slop from Chick Fil a for dinner and came home to find that my cat had thrown up on the carpet while I was gone. And yesterday, I found out that my ex checked herself into the ER for crippling anxiety, got prescribed benzos and is going to attend intense outpatient therapy. She should've worked on that before she started dating me but live and learn. I couldn't save her or fix her.

Could be a hell of a lot more downbad so I'm not even upset. My cat sits there like nothing ever happened, smug as ever.
 
RomanianSchizo said:
Who needs a SO when your mom buys you your favorite candy (I'm feasting tonight)
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I have a good idea what you mean. I'm eating some Jolly Rancher gummy candies. I can't even taste normally and these things are still fantastic.

I am eating these candies in my living room while on a good dose of LSD. I feel safe and capable of doing this, at a point in my life that I very much like. I like me, for once, and I very much like what I'm doing and the direction I'm going in.

I bring any of this up because I never would have imagined that I'd be here. Ever. So many times I questioned what the fuck I was doing. Why did I care? What was the point of any of it? Why don't I just give up because fuck it, this is all so pointless and absurd.

I have a life and loved ones not only worth dying for, they are worth living for, worth killing for, worth changing for. That's why. That's what all the work, all the pain, all the uncertainty was for. It's worth it when you get here but you need to have both suffered for it and gotten to this point to truly understand what I mean. I hope you all get here in whatever way you can.

Never easy, never comfortable, never cheap. Always worth it. Win or lose, find a struggle you think worthy of your commitment. The Way, if you will.
 
Candlelight Desolation said:
They don't react well to people like you and me.
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my husband said something along those lines. i was very confused though. it was like all of the bad things i read about, come to life. but in this part of the US, it is the norm...i hate it here. im so glad we are leaving soon. i hope people in general dont think this way though...no way. surely not at least?? like that is a terrifying thought.

also, i got all the regular stuff for valentines day...but i also got a WEDGE OF CHEESE, because i literally could live off cheese, it is delicious especially with water crackers
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Banquet Meal said:
so i dont have television at home...im not saying this to imply im enlightened or anything, but the point is that i havent really seen commercials and such in almost 20 years, i guess...the commercials before the movie were weird. they were nonstop black people, white people insults, and other nonsense...it was crazy.
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I also saw the scary mustached black genderfreak in that ad before Iron Lung. I wish I knew what the trailer was actually for. Or maybe I don't.


I have a bunch of doctor appts coming up that will only have bad or worse news. I've been having insane amounts of anxiety like I haven't had for years, just from dread.

So I bought a concert ticket that's a few weeks out. Is there a chance stuff will come up and I can't go? Yes, but I don't really care. It wasn't that expensive and I can give it away if I need to. And it really has helped. All the stuff I'm doing in my life, like career wise etc, is a long haul on the scale of 2-5years. And this medical stuff is likely to impact it. So there was just nothing in my future that didn't lead me back to fretting over my health.

I can't figure out a good way to cut my cat's nails. I used to have somebody come over to help, but they can't any more. I need to stress that I'm not new to cats. I cut all the other cat's nails. But this cat is STRONG. And he doesn't get annoyed and then fight and run away. The second he realizes what's going on, he goes for a legit bite, and then he alligator rolls and bunnykicks. He was semi-feral for his first 3 years, but now he is 12 and a massive cuttlebug- but he is tearing holes in the skin of my elderly family by jumping and landing on an exposed patch of skin. He doesn't scratch things like he used to, so his nails are longer, and I can't just let him stay that razor sharp. Yes, he has plenty of access to scratchers- he's just too old to care much anymore.

It's not that I'm not strong enough to force it. I'm really afraid I'll break his bones, because he thrashes so bad. He is the strongest cat I've ever owned, in terms of being immediately willing to go supersaiyan. And no, he obviously is not tempted by chuurus or treats. I take two large bathtowels and catch him while he's relaxed and cover him, pin him under one arm, try to hold his head in place and get his paw in the nail cutter with my other hand. But he alligator rolls and lashes his head to bite anything. He'll bite through the towels and he'll bunnykick through the towels, which makes me scared of breaking his limbs. Within two minutes of me ending my attempt to cut his nails, he'll beg to sit on my lap and be purring. Yes, I do sneakily cut a nail sometimes, but he always realizes after the first one, and it's kinda dangerous because he will go for a real bite.

There must be a way to do this myself.
 
Anhedonia is hitting strong today.

Valentines used to be my anniversary and it still kind of bothers me, but mostly just in the sense that I end up thinking about people I really don't want to see and then start expecting attacks and seeing enemies where there are none.

Mostly I think I'm just getting far enough temporally from all the tragedies that have consistently and repeatedly thrown wrenches in my life that the short term hurt is starting to wane and ceased to eclipse the underlying anger and frustration at all the bullshit I've had to endure just to have nothing to show for it except scars and age.

I try to remind myself that I've gotten second chances at things I never thought I would, and I still have things I want to do and a chance to do them and that should be enough. But it still sucks no matter how you slice it. To have run so far just to get to the starting line. To have put so much time and energy into something you never wanted or signed up for, to be left with a skillset that is only applicable in a field that you loathe. And then to suffer fools who were fortunate enough to be able to choose their struggle.

On some level I know it's just the Gollum voice in the back of my brain conjuring up arguments to convince be to drink again, or womanize or any number of other vices to find comfort. But that just adds another layer of annoyance, fighting battles nobody else can see, alone in the knowledge that you could be doing so much worse than nothing.

On the other hand, inheriting a bunch of bills is a lot better than inheriting the guardianship of a violent retard. Rationally I know it's better than it could've been, but that says more about how it could've been than how it is.

At least the gym helps.
 
My dad has been recovering from surgery pretty well. Helping him and my mom out with handling the contractors, they’re trying to gyp us on the repair cost for the gas explosion.

Talked to a cute Lebanese(?) chick today and got her number.
 
Haven't heard from my dad since new year's and my mom is getting panic attacks. On one hand people live longer these days, the other they're both falling apart. I worked with people as old as them in my previous job and I could imagine them falling over without breaking bones unlike my parents. I'm not ready to doom about them dying but I fear it'll come soon. A lite version of that would be my cat, reaching 9-10 years of age, only had her 4-5 years.

Been reading Psychology of Money, and the whole point of the book is "start caring about finances early and keep it going through the tough times". Too bad I got my first job in my late 20s, meaning the point is now instead "you're already too late. No amount of wage increase will make up for 12 years of not working". I dont -need- money nor do I save up for a car, kid or home, but like.. Man.
 
It's still a little bare but my apartment is now fully furnished. Eventually I'll need to get some carpets and a tv that isn't embarrassingly small, but it's comfortable enough to invite guests over and serve them dinner. I need to pick up a Swiffer tho as so much of my stuff is dusty, my roomba is completely coated.
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Sick, just sick. Throat feels like absolute hell, and feeling heavy (could be due to sleep or due to getting sick in a bucket), and can't drink water it hurts.
 
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