How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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It feels like giving up before I try ,but I'm scared that once I get into college that I'm going to realize I'm not smart enough for it and have wasted my time. I know it's not true. I'm not particularly dumb, but I'm also not smart. It's definitely the fucking autism that makes me feel that way. I'm just terrified of being the loser my family thinks I am. The doubt in the back of my head telling me that no matter how successful I am, they'll never care about it and only see the mistakes and the failures is driving me up the wall.

I shouldn't care. I know I shouldn't care. But I just want to feel like someone is proud of me for trying to at least make something of myself. Even if I don't particularly have much confidence in myself. It's pathetic, I know, but I just want to feel like someone in my immediate family believes I can overcome the difficulty and make it.
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
It feels like giving up before I try ,but I'm scared that once I get into college that I'm going to realize I'm not smart enough for it and have wasted my time. I know it's not true. I'm not particularly dumb, but I'm also not smart. It's definitely the fucking autism that makes me feel that way. I'm just terrified of being the loser my family thinks I am. The doubt in the back of my head telling me that no matter how successful I am, they'll never care about it and only see the mistakes and the failures is driving me up the wall.

I shouldn't care. I know I shouldn't care. But I just want to feel like someone is proud of me for trying to at least make something of myself. Even if I don't particularly have much confidence in myself. It's pathetic, I know, but I just want to feel like someone in my immediate family believes I can overcome the difficulty and make it.
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Have you considered doing your associates at a community College then transferring to a "real" college? It isn't as tough for certain things, theres less students there so you can interact with your teachers more if youre struggling. And while youre there for 2 years you won't be alone in a form a long ways from home, you can get a local part time job or internship to scope out the real world and you'll save a TON of money.

Missing out on 2/4 years of the college experience isn't for everyone but you need to build self confidence. Look into it!
 
BacklTrack said:
Have you considered doing your associates at a community College then transferring to a "real" college? It isn't as tough for certain things, theres less students there so you can interact with your teachers more if youre struggling. And while youre there for 2 years you won't be alone in a form a long ways from home, you can get a local part time job or internship to scope out the real world and you'll save a TON of money.

Missing out on 2/4 years of the college experience isn't for everyone but you need to build self confidence. Look into it!
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Unfortunately I already live away from family, I moved states a few years ago. College never seemed much of an option so I applied to the local community college and am waiting to hear back so I can go in and actually speak to admissions. There's a few things I just want some clarification on when it comes to these placement tests. I work IT in my public school district but it's not what I want to be doing.
College itself isnt really my fear, it's more that im not as capable as I think I am. But as I said it could be just my head trying to talk me out of something I know is good for me.
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
Unfortunately I already live away from family, I moved states a few years ago. College never seemed much of an option so I applied to the local community college and am waiting to hear back so I can go in and actually speak to admissions. There's a few things I just want some clarification on when it comes to these placement tests. I work IT in my public school district but it's not what I want to be doing.
College itself isnt really my fear, it's more that im not as capable as I think I am. But as I said it could be just my head trying to talk me out of something I know is good for me.
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A lot of people get that shock in the stem fields tbh. What are you trying to be, an electrical engineer or mathematician?
 
BacklTrack said:
A lot of people get that shock in the stem fields tbh. What are you trying to be, an electrical engineer or mathematician?
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Forensic Biology is what Im aiming for as my Associate's Degree. I initially wanted to do Mortuary Sciences but my city offers no programs and I can't afford to relocate. This was my secondary option. IT was more what I settled for than an actual passion I had.
 
Took a 3 day weekend, knowing people going threw chemo is stressful. I would have rather gotten the news they died of cancer to be honest. People wonder why cancer ghosting is a thing, It's much better than Old Yellow them. The more I think about it the more I'll probably go back home by the end of the year. *sigh*
 
Haramburger said:
@Silence of the Troons , I wanted to go on your profile and compliment you on your idubbbz dragon-dox but your profile is private YOU NIGGER, anyways good post and hope you're doing well, stay safe neezy
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It looks like I made a mistake when I meant to change something else in the settings recently. It should be open now.

Anyway I'm doing good and I hope the burger in your avatar was tasty.
 
Quijibo69 said:
Took a 3 day weekend, knowing people going threw chemo is stressful. I would have rather gotten the news they died of cancer to be honest. People wonder why cancer ghosting is a thing, It's much better than Old Yellow them. The more I think about it the more I'll probably go back home by the end of the year. *sigh*
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It's good to see you :heart-full:
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
massive caffeine withdrawals
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As a covered caffeine addict myself, what kept me away besides it costing me money was me remembering how bad withdrawal was for me, especially since my maternal family is predisposed to this type of thing genetically. When I see stuff like Five Hour Energy at the store, I don't get that gnawing reaching feeling anymore, but these things still come to mind whenever I see products like that. Add insult to injury back then when I see there's a sale for them at Winn Dixie.

If you endure to the end, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you well, and I'll pray for you.
 
PetiteFeet said:
We are polar opposites. She is beautiful, intelligent and hardworking, meanwhile I am the stupid, stubborn black sheep of the family.
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It is no coincidence that she's the eldest and you're the youngest. It's typical for the defective child to be either the only child, or the last one born. In large families (a rare sight nowadays), a progression can often be seen from increasing degeneration of the later born children to higher incidence of spontaneous abortions and stillbirths, ultimately ending in complete infertility. This is not as much due to the increasing age of the parents, but rather due to inadequate nutrition. Before the introduction of foods of commerce to primitive societies, those people often had ten or more children without any defects. Women kept their fertility well into their 50ies and even 60ies, something completely unthinkable today. Unsurprisingly, those people were also free of all chronic degenerative disease. They only started suffering just like we do today when they adopted our ways of eating. If your parents had adequate diets, you too would have turned out normal, just like your sister. It is certainly difficult to undo damage done during the preconception, gestational and developmental period, but it can always be done at least to a certain point. Your quality of life would improve significantly if you simply improved your nutrition. So would your mother's arthritis, as that is a condition to a high degree curable (and by that I mean actual cure, a recovery from the disease, not merely suppressing the symptoms by corticoids or other antiinflammatories) just by adequate doses of just two vitamins.
 
Hildy's interior cuckshed said:
View attachment 8547940
Look like you got your wish.
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Fucking finally, that guys victim mentality was infuriating.

Tales from the infirmary, day 5:
Managed to find an expired nasal spray in the kitchen cabinet. It helps with the swelling but also burns the shit out of my sinuses. I’m running low on provisions and by each passing hour I become more aware of my mortality. Pray for me.
 
Hildy's interior cuckshed said:
It is no coincidence that she's the eldest and you're the youngest. It's typical for the defective child to be either the only child, or the last one born. In large families (a rare sight nowadays), a progression can often be seen from increasing degeneration of the later born children to higher incidence of spontaneous abortions and stillbirths, ultimately ending in complete infertility. This is not as much due to the increasing age of the parents, but rather due to inadequate nutrition. Before the introduction of foods of commerce to primitive societies, those people often had ten or more children without any defects. Women kept their fertility well into their 50ies and even 60ies, something completely unthinkable today. Unsurprisingly, those people were also free of all chronic degenerative disease. They only started suffering just like we do today when they adopted our ways of eating. If your parents had adequate diets, you too would have turned out normal, just like your sister. It is certainly difficult to undo damage done during the preconception, gestational and developmental period, but it can always be done at least to a certain point. Your quality of life would improve significantly if you simply improved your nutrition. So would your mother's arthritis, as that is a condition to a high degree curable (and by that I mean actual cure, a recovery from the disease, not merely suppressing the symptoms by corticoids or other antiinflammatories) just by adequate doses of just two vitamins.
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That sure is a lot of words that mean jack shit when you don't know the full story of me or my family.
Why don't you take that big wall of TLDR and shove it down your gullet.
A correct diet does not regrow cartilage, nor would it fix my personality disorder.

Go fuck yourself.
 
Got my braces off and for the first time in a long time am happy with my smile. Maybe the key to happiness is as simple as fixing your teeth :thinking:
 
I've been at my current job since October. I had to leave my previous job (fraud analytics for a bank) because the CEO's personal vendetta against working from home kicked off a chain of events leading to me being presented with an ultimatum: move to the suburbs on short notice, find another position in the downtown office, or resign. I couldn't find another internal position in time so I had to resign. I was there for about a year so I figured that extra year of experience would help somewhat in finding another job, and it did.

Fast forward and I work as a risk analyst for a bank and am genuinely pretty miserable at this job. I guess the first red flag was the number, recency, and frequency of vacancies in this team. Not once during my time on this team have we had a full team. I think it's supposed to be 6 people including myself. We were at 4 when I joined, were briefly 5 when we hired a new guy, and are back to 4 again after someone who was there for 2 years left for another company on short notice, leaving me to take over their tasks with minimal training.

That's really one of my biggest problems with this job so far. I don't mind learning things quickly, I've been able to become a lot more familiar with some in-demand software for my career. But from the beginning they really dropped me into the deep end with nothing as far as onboarding goes. In the beginning I didn't have any questions because I didn't even know what to ask, and now I'm in a position where I'm told to reach out for help if I need it but am also made to feel ashamed for doing so.

2 of the other people on my team are Indian women, one of which is the manager. I know it's a lot to ask for as a guy with a data science degree but I really never want to work under one of them ever again. I've stayed a bit late to finish things up before and worked on things off-hours before but it felt very optional, like there was no pressure to do it. But here it's like working in a pressure cooker. At my last job, I was supported but not challenged, and here I'm challenged but not supported. Worst of all I feel useless and like I'm doing everything wrong, but am made to feel like no matter how much I want to be useful and successful, I'm not allowed to do so. I feel like a failure to launch at this position.

It's become pretty clear that the new hire is their favorite (though I don't hold this against him, I think he's a nice enough guy), even though we're only a month apart in tenure here. But I don't want to seem like I'm giving up or that I'm not trying because I really do want to be successful in this role instead of stressed over whether I'm going to get canned by springtime. I have a progress check-in meeting tomorrow and I'm actively dreading it, unless it gets punted to a later day like it has all week. Talking to and being around my manager legitimately stresses me out a little. This shit isn't healthy. Pay cut be damned but I'd take my old job over my current one in a heartbeat, it's a shame I had to leave for reasons beyond my control.
 
it always seems whenever I think ive reached absolute fucking rock bottom emotionally I always seem to gain a sudden foundation of hope, usually not a big one, probably keeps me from blowing my brains out, it eventually fades and comes back, despite not even knowing who I am always for some reason wake up in the morning,
 
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