- Joined
- Feb 3, 2024
How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check
- Thread starter Milk Mage
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- Joined
- Oct 19, 2024
I know exactly what you mean, tbh. I haven't been actively suicidal in years, and there have only been a few times in my adult life when I've actually done anything about those thoughts, anyway, usually in ways that were more suicidally reckless than they were deliberate or methodical. It seems like the passive ideation is near-impossible to shake, though, and it's sometimes more comforting than it is distressing.
Next to impossible to explain to any normal person, and I'm not sure I would even want to if I could. I'm totally okay with people IRL knowing that I have mixed AvPD/BPD, but only in broad strokes or if I absolutely know they're not going to look at me as some poor, innocent victim of tragic circumstance. That shit makes me feel entirely too weird and uncomfortable. I'd much rather people get it so wrong that they think I'm a manipulative bastard with no feelings than get it half right and act like I'm some sort of broken soul who just needs a hug or something, and the second you mention passive suicidal ideation, that's where people go. I have enough of an idea of who I am to say for certain that it's not that.
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- Joined
- Jan 29, 2022
Things are actually going really well at the moment objectively speaking, so of course I'm in a full-on constant panic terror wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. There are things that could be improved, of course, but it's really hard to build a life up when you're always waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Being a cult survivor sucks a bag of donkey shit.
Being a cult survivor sucks a bag of donkey shit.
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2022
we finally had our picnic, but i waited too long, forgot some of the food..and ended up with a HUGE migraine!
still was nice to get away from the kids. i love snow and freezing cold anyway
still was nice to get away from the kids. i love snow and freezing cold anyway
TotalNematodeDeath
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2023
Went to bed, chest was tight af. Woke up and god damn its still tight af and now my ass is shaking like a leaf. Blood pressure has a nearly 20 point change in value after waking up which could help to explain the shit feelings.
- Joined
- May 22, 2025
Won't happen if it hasn't happened in 18 years, it is what it is.
I'd prefer PPP, and only if he brings his triangle
HE'S GOT A BAD BACK!
SHE CAN DO BETTER!
THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!
Same for me yesterday and today. My own fault though, drinking has that effect on me every single time. I'm sorta fine today but i wouldn't be mad if the world ends tomorrow.
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- Joined
- Jan 21, 2022
Man, last time I saw my social worker, she told me I was going to get my hours with her reduced. She either forgot or is unaware of previous similar events in my life, where the thing that's supposed to help me is being taken away from me due to things out of my control (unable to properly receive the help 99% of the cases, which I guess is actually in my control and is a skill issue, but I digress).
I started crying, because I always start crying when I have difficulty properly conveying an emotion or what's going through my head to someone else, and she says she would like to give me a hug. Bitch, no, I don't need or want a hug. I HATE physical affection. "But you have to understand that it is an empathetic soothing mechanism in humans, and if my child was upset I would hug her," yeah, and I'm a) an adult, b) not your child and c) I do understand that, but it's not my need to get a hug.
Being mentally ill is difficult enough as it is, it's entirely guesswork on behalf of the medical professionals because we can't simply take an x-ray of your brain and go "oh, you have ghosts in your brain, let's fix it with this surgery," so trying to explain it to your next of kin or your friends, or your workplace, is another difficult task on top of having to live with it yourself.
When I'm at my most frustrated, I wish I could just get MAID'ed so I and everyone around me don't have to deal with the bees in my brain.
Warski dressed as a little girl to be the ring bearer. WOOOOAAAH BUDDY!I'd prefer PPP, and only if he brings his triangle
HE'S GOT A BAD BACK!
SHE CAN DO BETTER!
THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2019
Damn it, man. Take the girl to Gretna and get married. Have a pretty ring made.
- Joined
- May 22, 2025
Why exactly in Gretna?
- Joined
- Jun 6, 2019
Today, I do my civic duty and report for jury duty. Let's see if I go 2/2 in being selected.
Edit: I lost the lottery and have been released. Whether that's a blessing or not, who knows. Grand Jury this time versus the criminal case I served on. I hear Grand Jury is boring so my feelings aren't too hurt.
Edit: I lost the lottery and have been released. Whether that's a blessing or not, who knows. Grand Jury this time versus the criminal case I served on. I hear Grand Jury is boring so my feelings aren't too hurt.
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- Joined
- Jan 6, 2019
Ah it’s a English/Scottish thing. Gretna was the first town over the border and the rules were different there (no parents approval and younger I think) so young lovers used to run off and get hitched by the blacksmith in Gretna.Why exactly in Gretna?
Me•cha•ni•cal
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2024
I feel you 100% on this. One time I had a panic attack at work and a coworker asked me if I wanted a hug. Yes, the exact thing I need right now is to feel restrained.
I also find it totally different to be ”physically soothed” by someone who knows you and cares about you compared to someone who’s in your home in a professional setting. I’m sure she meant well but she should have just said ”ok, not hugging is fine. Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better?” rather than talk down to you.
I’m really bored. I woke up feeling like I’ve swallowed a fist full of razorblades yesterday and now I feel like I’m getting a lower respiratory infection. No cough or stuffy nose, just a very sore throat and discomfort in my chest/back. Wouldn’t it be fun if I caught pneumonia my first time back at the gym and died trying to improve my health? Just my luck
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2022
what the hell?! i wouldve flipped out so bad. i hate people i dont know touching me. its weird. what a weird asshole she is! im sorry that happened!!
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2022
It is what it is. I just would've figured a woman who has known me for almost 3 years now would have understood that A) I always start tearing up as soon as the topic is directly about me and B) I'm just not a hugger.
Hell, I once accidentally hurt my mother's feelings because I just can't stand people touching me when I'm upset. It's not personal at all, I just feel allergic to physical affection when I'm having a minor personal crisis.
Corona was a blessing to me because people stood further away from you when queued, and no one shook hands or gave hugs to people.
- Joined
- May 22, 2025
Ah, i understand. I'll just mention that there are reasons for us not being married after all this time, mostly due to her family ties, we are both Sardinian (me only half, she a full-blooded immigrant), can't get into much more detail for once, i mentioned in a post ITT that we had kind of a situation involving Interpol last year, you get the idea. You can't escape this shit, even if you have absolutely nothing to do with it, your last name is enough to make things problematic, especially hers.
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2020
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2019
I want there to be some dramatic Sicilian mafia backstory to this.
What he had was extremely aggressive from how he described it. I hope he’s at peace. If he did pop back in to tell us all to stop being maudlin I’d be delighted, but I don’t think he will.
I have been plagued the last two days by this odd sense of an impending something. like death, or an ending. It’s very strange.
Perhaps it’s an oncoming migraine. They can give you weird impending doom feelings. Or work stress. Can’t shake it.
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2020
I hate my country and its people I hate this world. I long for the Powers That Be are publically lynched. Our world is run by Satanic pedophiles that rape/murder/eat children and babies! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST!!! Kill me God!!!
