How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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73_Autistic_Fuck_54 said:
I have to constantly "be on" and monitor how I'm coming off to others when socializing. Which makes me want to stay isolated.
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I hate how i had to train myself to REALLY hide my power level in the last years because even the slightest bit of wrong speak can lead to arguments and my style of argumenting IRL when people are pissing me off is to hurl abuse, which somehow also is a no-go these days. A while back i had a younger dude call me out on saying "do it like a real man" to one of my friends, a lá "What did you mean by 'a real man'" and i only deigned to explain myself to him because he was a friend of a friend, i was at his house and consuming his drugs so i felt it would've been rude if i started shit with him and i don't like being unneccessary rude to people. All i thought afterwards was "This is the point we are at now...". Even one of my brothers asked me to stop saying "nigger/nigga" so often in his presence and that dude has a brown girlfriend who says the word at least twice as often as i do :story:
 
No PL, but fuck it I need to vent, and welcome any shared experiences, advice, perspectives.

Been in my IT job/desk jockey position for a few years now, pay is... average, work is average. Easy enough, low stress, I clock out and the job is out of my mind.

But I'm past 30 now, and am wondering if I need to find something else. But there's nothing in this economy, everything is fucked. I'm not a developer or otherwise highly skilled (indeed, my education isn't in IT.)

Could be a mid-life thing, I don't know. I've asked those close to me for advice, and I haven't really gotten anything beyond the usual pleasantries and standard words of encouragement. I don't think people just how fucked everything is.

I don't know man, fuck. I'm just saying shit out loud.
 
Softball season is over, quite literally ending with a bang. My final at-bat of 2025 was my 4th home run.
 
Not doing so hot rn. I was already in a slump mentally, I had a freak out back around the 20th because I was supposed to do an in-patient program (lifestyle related, nothing super serious) and my anxiety flared up, so I already hated myself more than usual for not being able to go through with it.
I took a break from social media except for the farms, zero contact with people I thought were my friends and I get that that's 100% my own fault for going radio silence, but apparently a person who I held very high in my heart has decided to just completely burn the bridge between us.

I don't know what to do. I feel like going back to bed and just cry like a teenaged girl because her crush told her to fuck off.

The farms aren't my friends and PL should be kept personal, but I'm just really lost right now.
 
Not A Bunny said:
That doesn't even sound healthy to me. It sounds obsessive.
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That’s a lot of therapy. Not medical advice and maybe it works well for others but I would be unable to do group therapy. Not a cat’s chance in hell. Not happening. Eleven hours a week? lol no.
Brenda Holiday said:
I had to put my cat down today. It hurts so bad, but I was able to give him 16 happy years and be by his side as he went. It hurts so much. Both my childhood pets are gone now.
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Ah I’m so sorry. I lost my old boy a while back and I was devastated. You gave him a good life, you can do no more. Still hurts though.
Randomly the universe threw two young cats at me (not quite a rescue, owner didn’t want them) and they’re adorable (although one left a trail of vomit through the whole of downstairs this morning which one of the children stepped in and freaked out about….)
The Feline Solution 2 said:
Pretty much any magnesium supplement that isn't glycinate runs right through you in my experience. I also read that the bioavailability for any non-glycinate magnesium is next to nothing.
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Magnesium salts in your bath work. You do absorb it through your skin.
I feel very down. Life here seems to get sadistically and constantly worse by the day. Today I saw an article where scientists demand to ban bacon and I just thought what the fuck, what the absolute fuck is wrong with us? Can we not have anything?
Menopause is kicking my arse and I’m having eight week long heavy bleeds which are causing me to be anaemic (although still a fraction of a point over the level I’d need a transfusion! So the nhs doesn’t give a flying fuck. And then with the state of the blood supply just now maybe that’s not a bad thing…) I’ve lost weight I don’t need to lose and I don’t look well. I feel diminished and sad somehow. I’m not a big person and I feel for the first time a bit frail. Not nice, and I’m too tired and dizzy to lift
Work is sucking - my bosses boss has taken a strong dislike to me and seems to be actively stymying my career, which was a bit of a shock. Someone ‘accidentally on purpose’ showed me something she’d written about me while screen sharing and it really shook me. Am glad of the warning, I’m just a bit freaked out about how she’s decided I’m awful - we met for about an hour at a work event and I was being quizzed on some process changes. Apparently she didn’t like what I was saying (even though what I was saying was professional, very wary/measured, of a positive problem solving bent, and totally correct.)
I hate this kind of skullduggery, I am generally well regarded at work but once every few years I seem to run into someone like this who is hellbent on taking someone on my team down - this is the first time it’s been me and I’m not sure how to react.
I’m so tired. I want to go to bed and just not wake up.
 
ewefr8deez nuts said:
This may be stupid to share but I don't really feel like telling people in my life since I don't know if they would understand, plus I have no idea how to approach the topic in a normal way.

Last night I broke down into a fit of anguish and despair after discovering a case where someone threw a newborn baby - umbilical cord still attached - in a trash bag with weights over a bridge over the river in my county. They missed the river and the child landed 60ft on the shore and wasn't discovered for several weeks. It's been a famous cold case in my region for the last 2 decades (it happened in spring 2004) but I had just leaned about it last night. My community gave this child a name, gave him a proper funeral, and he has a headstone in my town.

This story moved me so much I went out at 2am last night sobbing to the gravesite to leave something for him. I should note I'm a well adjusted guy but I feel so fucking depressed about this, kiwis. I don't know if anyone has experienced something like this. I know Jeff Mangum had a similar thing after reading Anne Frank's diary.

There are pure things in this world and I find it hard to bare the fact that some will be frivolous with them. I feel disgusted with this world at the moment. I hate it so goddamn much the fact someone would do such a thing. I know tragedies happen, some unfortunately on a much larger scale than this so I wonder why this is what has me so emotional. Everything feels so rotten.

I can't help but feel silly and childish about my emotions. This isn't the first fucked up thing I've heard and I've been on this earth long enough to endure and overcome a lot of hard things... It's just weird man. And sad. So fuckin sad.
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For some reason I can't edit my post with an update. I am doing fine (great, some might say) and I have been exploring my motivations for these moods I find myself in from time to time. All will be figured out. Don't wait up for me, lol.
 
Sup, hope everyone's doing well.

I've been fine. I have a backlog of writing and video projects that I've infrequently touched. I do want to finish these but I find my lack of focus and drive to be an issue, any advice? Even if it's "Just do it" or some shit.
 
Upon the full realization that I:
  • have no person in my life with whom I can have an honest conversation (as in, one in which I do not need to lie or withhold opinion out of concern for causing conflict),
  • am performing poorly at my job,
  • am married to someone who actively dislikes me, and
  • will soon be burying one parent for certain, and the other likely shortly thereafter as they cannot care for themselves without the other,
I’m burning my goddamn life to the ground and starting over! If anyone wants to buy some video game shit (PS5, Switch 2, buncha games) let me know, I could use some rent money after I move out
 
ewefr8deez nuts said:
For some reason I can't edit my post with an update.
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You have 1t minutes to update (5 in DMs). Which is good, because editing a month-old comment would mean no one sees it. Plus also the integrity and "it's here forever" factor would be lost.

But I'm glad you're doing well! That mood awareness stuff is powerful. Tedious (imo) but enlightening.


Otterly said:
I’m just a bit freaked out about how she’s decided I’m awful - we met for about an hour at a work event and I was being quizzed on some process changes. Apparently she didn’t like what I was saying (even though what I was saying was professional, very wary/measured, of a positive problem solving bent, and totally correct.)
I hate this kind of skullduggery, I am generally well regarded at work but once every few years I seem to run into someone like this who is hellbent on taking someone on my team down - this is the first time it’s been me and I’m not sure how to react.
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Hey, I know you're a longtime professional and didn't ask for advice, but just thought I'd throw it out there: maybe take a step back and reflect on what it is your boss's boss wants - how she communicates (probably likes the same from others), what she cares about work-wise, etc. It could just be stylistic differences, but you could work to angle toward her preferences/ priorities. Sometimes being correct or wary/ measured/ professional gets lost if not presented in a way a person naturally cottons to. I'm kind of a free-wheeling, lots of info, lots of energy person, and I like to smile or have a little lightness in my work convos, no matter the topic. But if I'm dealing with a dry or strictly-business person, or if my other person is stressed or rushed, I am strictly business, neutral, get in/ get out. Especially if it's a higher-up I don't know well. I also pay attention to who wants just the end-point and who wants the context. I'm sure you adapt as well, but with this one, might be worth that reflection.

If you saw something written about you that wasn't awesome (sorry you had to see that - even seeing good things that are observations not meant for you to see are uncomfortable), that might be a place to start.

But I feel you on work angst.


Pargon said:
Upon the full realization that I:
  • have no person in my life with whom I can have an honest conversation (as in, one in which I do not need to lie or withhold opinion out of concern for causing conflict),
  • am performing poorly at my job,
  • am married to someone who actively dislikes me, and
  • will soon be burying one parent for certain, and the other likely shortly thereafter as they cannot care for themselves without the other,
I’m burning my goddamn life to the ground and starting over! If anyone wants to buy some video game shit (PS5, Switch 2, buncha games) let me know, I could use some rent money after I move out
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I hope it gets better once you move. Living that way is brutal. Could you maybe take some time off, even FMLA (if US) while you sort out your home life? The biggest mistake I ever made was not doing that when I should have.
 
Pargon said:
Nope. All the vacation I had left I burned to visit my parents. Any FMLA I’d take until next year would be completely unpaid.
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Sucky, severely. Well, hang in there. But also: some unpaid time is better than permanently unpaid, assuming you've got bills to pay. Either way, please remember to try to take care of yourself. This is a really rough time.
 
Brother had to visit London for work. Not even day 2 and what I assume was a culturally enriched mudslime stole his phone. On the good news side of things it sounds like I'm getting discharged from the hospital tomorrow finally.
 
I have substance abuse issues and while I successfully quit drugs I have something in the system full time. It's been multiple years since I'm completely without something in my system.

I lack the will to change. I don't really care about my longevity or health. I think about it often because it's a large part of my life. Ion even know what to do

RomanianSchizo said:
Found out earlier this month that the small company where I was an independent contractor at wasn't able to give me a full-time position. I've been applying for jobs since, but either my application gets rejected outright or I never make it past the first or second interview. Just this past week, I was able to make it to the second round of interviews for a position that I was more than qualified for, but still got rejected. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I've become very discouraged as late and don't know what to do.
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I went through the same niggery. It's not your fault. It's just luck at this point. Keep applying
 
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Incorrect Password said:
Sup, hope everyone's doing well.

I've been fine. I have a backlog of writing and video projects that I've infrequently touched. I do want to finish these but I find my lack of focus and drive to be an issue, any advice? Even if it's "Just do it" or some shit.
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I also find it hard to focus and motivate myself to do something, even if it's something I want to do. Since taking the first step is the hardest part for me, I like to do something without thinking too much about it. For example, if I want to eat breakfast but can't motivate myself to get out of bed or I keep daydreaming after waking up, I just tear off the covers and get out of bed. Having my feet on the ground, having that "grounding" sensation, basically tells my brain "ok I'm going to get breakfast", and off I go. Or I just set a timer and say I'll do something for xyz amount of time. Once I get into that flow state, I find that I'm more willing to continue working on something after the timer runs out. Anyway, that's my long-winded way of saying, "Just do it", you'll be happy once it's done anyway since it's no longer occupying space in your mind.
Ruined by the Rain said:
I went through the same niggery. It's not your fault. It's just luck at this point. Keep applying
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Everyone in my life keeps telling me to keep applying and that I will get a job. I guess at this point it's something I gotta tell myself. It's a bit hard whenever I open LinkedIn and want to pull a Christine Chubbuck after seeing someone I know in real life get a job (I kid you not, after I got rejected from the job I was sure I was guaranteed to get, I saw one of the people I know at the same company get promoted, which was pretty sobering). But there really is nothing I can do at this point besides applying and telling myself that I will get a job. I do have an interview this week, so fingers crossed that it goes well.
Also, I hope you can find the will to change, as long as you're still alive, it's not too late.
 
RomanianSchizo said:
Found out earlier this month that the small company where I was an independent contractor at wasn't able to give me a full-time position. I've been applying for jobs since, but either my application gets rejected outright or I never make it past the first or second interview. Just this past week, I was able to make it to the second round of interviews for a position that I was more than qualified for, but still got rejected. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I've become very discouraged as late and don't know what to do.
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Amigo sometimes it's just a numbers game and no reflection on you or your abilities. I do a bit of recruitment and I've had times where I could put 10 applicants in the role but you have to pick one.

You can always ask for some feedback. You'll find it will be positive.
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
that might be a place to start.
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Thank you, this is very good advice. It’s tempting to go the ‘what a bitch’ route but the fact is she saw something she didn’t like and I need to make sure she’s not actively antagonising me, and if I did do something wrong I need to fix it and not do it again! I am usually pretty ok at gauging the mood and style and adapting, clearly I failed here and I need to know why.
I trust my immediate boss, and I will ask her why this is and what i can do to make her more comfortable. Always a process of accountability and growth, etc.
Incorrect Password said:
any advice? Even if it's "Just do it" or some shit.
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There’s a guy called Ranulph Fiennes who is an Explorer, one of the last of the tally-ho type old Brits. He’s done some hair raising stuff and i particularly reccomend the book Mike Stroud (physiologist researcher and doc) wrote with him about their Antarctic trek.
Anyway, despite doing all these things he claims he’s a lazy bugger and his advice is that when he feels like that he simply stands up, and put his shoes on. That’s the first physical stage in going out training and the rest follows
Identify your first stage (fire up video equipment?) and stand up and do it.
 
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