How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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This may be stupid to share but I don't really feel like telling people in my life since I don't know if they would understand, plus I have no idea how to approach the topic in a normal way.

Last night I broke down into a fit of anguish and despair after discovering a case where someone threw a newborn baby - umbilical cord still attached - in a trash bag with weights over a bridge over the river in my county. They missed the river and the child landed 60ft on the shore and wasn't discovered for several weeks. It's been a famous cold case in my region for the last 2 decades (it happened in spring 2004) but I had just leaned about it last night. My community gave this child a name, gave him a proper funeral, and he has a headstone in my town.

This story moved me so much I went out at 2am last night sobbing to the gravesite to leave something for him. I should note I'm a well adjusted guy but I feel so fucking depressed about this, kiwis. I don't know if anyone has experienced something like this. I know Jeff Mangum had a similar thing after reading Anne Frank's diary.

There are pure things in this world and I find it hard to bare the fact that some will be frivolous with them. I feel disgusted with this world at the moment. I hate it so goddamn much the fact someone would do such a thing. I know tragedies happen, some unfortunately on a much larger scale than this so I wonder why this is what has me so emotional. Everything feels so rotten.

I can't help but feel silly and childish about my emotions. This isn't the first fucked up thing I've heard and I've been on this earth long enough to endure and overcome a lot of hard things... It's just weird man. And sad. So fuckin sad.
 
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Lian Xing said:
OK, that scope is more in line with the price. Roof prices are all over the place, and I don't want to see others spend more than they should.
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Thank you so much. I do think well of my contractor and weeded through a few first before deciding which one to use, but it is helpful to hear what sounds like a more knowledgeable perspective than I have!
 
Well, when I said I fixed my car, I was full of shit, because it turns out there were two problems. One was a dead coil pack, but the other was a dying ignition module. A friend loaned me his ignition module for the day and that fixed it completely. So it’s off to buy a new DFI module tomorrow. This should be nicely under $100, so I’m still pretty happy about that.

The module has been quietly failing for a very long time, as I would quite often feel engine knock retarding, which feels like a very slight misfire, but it’s the computer pulling timing because it’s detecting engine knock. Not a hint of that on my friend’s module and coils, so the car runs better than ever.

We think that the failing DFI module may have taken that coil pack with it. But tomorrow, it should all be hunky dory.

P.S. here’s a photo. The plate looking thing is the DFI module. This drives the coil packs that sit on top and is also responsible for ignition timing. The computer tells the DFI module what it wants, and the module acts accordingly.

Each coil runs two cylinders in a wasted spark configuration. Basically there are two spark events in the four stroke cycle. As one piston is coming up ready for its power stroke, the other one is going down on the exhaust stroke, and the coil fires both simultaneously. It lets you get away with using half as many coils, and supposedly is better for emissions, but I don’t know how much I believe that.

IMG_2171.webp
 
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DenseDeerFather said:
Just got hit with a random bout of depression out of goddamn nowhere. I tend not to feel my emotions most of the time. I struggle with allowing myself to cry, especially in front of others or even privately, but I just felt the urge to do it now, and it came with the worst heavy feeling ever. Like an urge to lie down and sleep forever and not bother with anything for a few centuries.

I do not know what triggered it.
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So I think I know what triggered it. It's the holidays soon and I usually just go about them alone, just chilling because I don't like Christmas.

That said, the holidays always bring up thoughts about family. I don't wanna go into the whole thing but it's not a nice feeling you get when coming to the realization that all your familial relationships have been incredibly destructive for your psyche and you haven't experienced what pretty much most people have.

But feeling wasn't allowed so it's apocalyptic when you do.

Plus being let down and ghosted for months by unrelated persons didn't add to my mood either. I suspect I'm facing a rough patch in my psyche. They tend to come and go in random periods but they haven't been here for so long that I forgot how awful it is when they do decide to show their fat asses around the block.
 
I usually just use this account to lurk, keep up with shit, and post reactions, but fuck it. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this.

I'm mentally struggling. The people I thought I could rely on have proven that I really can't rely on them. They either get mad at me for showing emotion, try to diminish how badly I'm hurting, or wind up just making things worse. I've asked for help because this is so fucking hard to deal with on my own, only to be turned away/ scolded for "being selfish" because others have it worse. It's to the point that I only cry when I'm alone.

I'm reaching my fucking limit, Kiwibros. I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.
 
My ex has been trying to string me along by telling our mutual friends she wants to restart something then rejecting me when I brought it up yesterday. Found out she's got her new "friend" staying at her house even though she's apparently only known him for like 2 weeks.

I'm just going to ghost her. I know she doesn't owe me anything and she can do what she wants with her life but I'm being played. Our relationship when we had one was basically non-existent thanks to her refusing to spend time with me anyway.
 
Duke of Wellington said:
My ex has been trying to string me along by telling our mutual friends she wants to restart something then rejecting me when I brought it up yesterday. Found out she's got her new "friend" staying at her house even though she's apparently only known him for like 2 weeks.

I'm just going to ghost her. I know she doesn't owe me anything and she can do what she wants with her life but I'm being played. Our relationship when we had one was basically non-existent thanks to her refusing to spend time with me anyway.
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You're right to cut that cord. Don't hang around waiting for someone who isn't into you or doesn't treat you well. You deserve better, and you'll be better for affirmatively making that choice and moving on with your life.
 
VermilionFluttershy2 said:
It's to the point that I only cry when I'm alone.
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I am like this and utterly paranoid at this point and assume any emotion I express in front of other people is just going to be used to attack me somehow. Even people I know I should trust, I think are conspiring against me and I can't reveal anything about myself.

I can understand that this thinking is awful and wrong and counterproductive, but I can't escape it.

In private, I will cry to sentimental songs and feels.

In public, I am a stone-faced golem, not out of stoicism but out of fear.
 
VermilionFluttershy2 said:
I'm mentally struggling. The people I thought I could rely on have proven that I really can't rely on them. They either get mad at me for showing emotion, try to diminish how badly I'm hurting, or wind up just making things worse. I've asked for help because this is so fucking hard to deal with on my own, only to be turned away/ scolded for "being selfish" because others have it worse. It's to the point that I only cry when I'm alone.
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Why though? Has something happened or you're just feeling down for no reason?
 
VermilionFluttershy2 said:
Life in general has been really tough lately and it's getting harder to just grin and bear it.
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It's hard to recommend something. If you can't take it anymore, you can always vent here without powerleveling, it somewhat helps. Just don't get used to it. Otherwise, I can't really recommend much. Exercise helps, but that's not for everyone. Taking a break and taking care for oneself is always good though. Just sit, eat some favorite stuff and enjoy something without thinking much. Also, if you get overwhelmed with thoughts of "this is wrong and this is bad" and they piling up one of top of another, just reply "yeah, so what?" to each and every single one of them. Rumination is a pain in the ass.

VermilionFluttershy2 said:
Also chose to wean myself off of cigarettes recently which, while good for your overall health, can do a number on your mental health while your going through the process.
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Oh, that's great. I've never smoked, but everyone was telling me that quitting is incredibly hard. So keep it up, this is commendable!
 
My kid read me for filth today, criticizing my tendency to be superhero and not ask for help.* Unfortunately this was a day where I have 47 things crashing in on me, so I did not take it well (though I think I'm right to be irritated to be told I'm not being "emotionally mature" to be annoyed - or if I'm not "right," at least it should be excusable...and I did say "today is not the day for this; stop.").

*Fair, fair; though also unfair. If you or your other parent are not reliable, then who tf else is going to handle things? OK, yes, I'm still mad.

I feel bad for shutting down the conversation by force, and I know it is hurtful. But fuck me; do not tell me "you shouldn't be so bothered by xyz, because that's life" or keep going when I say it is not the time. Also: when I apologize for being testy, don't tell me it wasn't a good enough apology. I made no excuses for snapping; I should not have, which is what I said.

I've been told forever I'm intimidating; I get that, and I try very hard to soft-pedal with my kids for that reason (among others, including that I'm protective and also a softy re them - and also doing everything I can to give them the opportunities to be great). But today I am damn fucking annoyed about being critiqued for feeling worn down or being resistant to criticism in the moment, when I am doing my absolute best but am occasionally human.
 
Feeling like dumping.

The bad:
Family stuff, with my dad entering end-of-life care. This shit sucks hard. I try to spend as much time as I can, going almost every weekend (a very long trip) helping him and my family over the past year. I'm feeling extremely frustrated over it as I feel I'm not doing/saying enough on one hand and not knowing what more I can do on the other hand.

Health. Lost some mobility in my left arm, among other lights popping up on my dashboard. Trying to find a GP that is not a scam giving only the vaguest and perpetually-changing diagnoses :
  • Long covid, which was an absolute random guess
  • Metabolic syndrome, which was easily disproven
  • The fucker even tried to pin everything on fucking narcolepsy
Of course, each time a new "diagnostic" pops up, there's absolutely "no test possible" to pinpoint things or "nothing we can do about it".

The good:
Ham radio has been a real pressure valve over this year. While I'm not doing much on-air, I really enjoy learning about new things.

Apartment is coming together rather nicely, I start to truly feel at home.

Trying to get more physically active (bike, walking...).

Nephews are truly a blessing and a joy, I'm real happy to spend some time with them.

The ugly:
Work is dry as sand. Lots to do but I'm on barest of autopilots. I will probably get shitted upon during my yearly review but that's okay as I see nothing deserving a warning.
 
Juan Números said:
Health. Lost some mobility in my left arm, among other lights popping up on my dashboard. Trying to find a GP that is not a scam giving only the vaguest and perpetually-changing diagnoses :
  • Long covid, which was an absolute random guess
  • Metabolic syndrome, which was easily disproven
  • The fucker even tried to pin everything on fucking narcolepsy
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What kind/ level of loss of mobility?
 
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