How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Not doing good, pony sisters! I'm very stress resilient as a person but I have now discovered that my aging and decrepit body is not and I think parts of my psyche is crumbling. It's like the ground beneath my feet has disappeared and I'm falling, but being an idiot I look down and confirm that it's still there. "whaaat is going on..." Then I trace things backwards. New job, more responsibilities, incredible pressure, little sleep, no breaks, it's either junk food or no food at all. Not long ago I had to rush to [place] for yet another meeting, a two minute walk took five minutes because I stopped to vomit(profusely!) down a sewer drain for no apparent reason. Fished a napkin out of my pocket, wiped my mouth, checked my shoes and kept going. Things like that just happens now. The really, really bad thing is that no one can replace me. The really, really ironic thing is that part of my new job is to make it possible to replace me so this shit can't ever happen.

I really want to check in to some form of adult retard daycare and do finger painting for a couple of weeks.
 
Shelled out for a purple mattress and base in an attempt to start sleeping better at home. Fuck me this thing is amazing. No back pain after waking up for the first time in years. Didn't have any night sweats. Base vibrates at the feet which took a lot of the pins and needles feeling from the chemo out so I could finally sleep. Wish I could drag this fucker to the hospital with me.
 
The other day I took my cat to the vet for some issues he’d been having with a recent food change. They did a couple tests that came up negative/inconclusive, and then for a sizable portion of the visit, the head veterinarian was shilling really hard for me to switch him to this super high end “vet engineered” food formula on some sort of extended trial period. I was kinda on board with the idea, until they ran the numbers and informed me that this food would be $5 PER CAN. Assuming this “trial period” would be 12 weeks with one can a day (which is HIGHLY unlikely since he’s a big ol tub of lard), that would come out to AT LEAST $420!
I’m a little down about this because I’ve never had any negative experiences with this vet office in the previous years until now, but the fact that they were trying so hard to upsell me on some expensive bullshit rather than just telling me to go back to his old food felt really alienating. I’m already living below the poverty line here, man!!! :(
Can’t help but wonder if I should switch to a different vet clinic that isn’t so… greedy? Or maybe all of them are just kind of like that? I dunno. It’s a little disheartening!
 
Lingering butter taste said:
What do you do when you’re mad at someone but you know the reason why you’re mad is stupid. You can’t tell them cause then you’d be making them feel bad over something stupid, but you can’t not tell them cause then you’re still gonna be mad.
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If it's truly stupid, that means you need to figure out why you are mad about something that is stupid, and work through it yourself. There's possibly some trigger in there that's hitting a core fear or shame, or other personal complexity.

But are you sure it's truly stupid, and not - for example - something that in itself is nbd but that, with other things, adds up to something larger that may be real? For example, if you have a friend who generally does not treat you with regard - maybe shades you, doesn't stand up for or support you, undermines you - but you don't really consciously register this because for any of a million reasons you don't yet have the ability to see what bad behavior is or recognize that it's not a good friendship. Or each individual thing is in itself not a huge thing, so it's easy to doubt yourself, make excuses for them, just take it, etc. Well, then that time they're 25 minutes late to meet up and forgot to let you know is itself not a thing to be "mad" about, but maybe it pinged your subconscious awareness that the person is generally not respectful of you. In that case, your anger is valid but not for the lateness. So in that case, again, if you recognize this you need to think about what kind of people and things you should have in your life. It might be worth having that conversation, but tbh, I find it more productive to process the reality of what they are and adjust expectations - which may mean at a minimum moving that friendship to a lightweight acquaintanceship and not giving them opportunities to do that to you - or ending the relationship.

Alternatively, if you're just a touchy person and get mad over dumb things, get some help with managing your reactions and/or (back to my first point) investigate to figure out if it's pinging on some internal thing that may or may not have to do with them.

Tl; dr: if a trivial thing has you surprisingly angry, it's worth exploring and looking the reality in the face. Therapists are usually really good at helping think and work through these kinds of things.
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
If it's truly stupid, that means you need to figure out why you are mad about something that is stupid, and work through it yourself. There's possibly some trigger in there that's hitting a core fear or shame, or other personal complexity.

But are you sure it's truly stupid, and not - for example - something that in itself is nbd but that, with other things, adds up to something larger that may be real? For example, if you have a friend who generally does not treat you with regard - maybe shades you, doesn't stand up for or support you, undermines you - but you don't really consciously register this because for any of a million reasons you don't yet have the ability to see what bad behavior is or recognize that it's not a good friendship. Or each individual thing is in itself not a huge thing, so it's easy to doubt yourself, make excuses for them, just take it, etc. Well, then that time they're 25 minutes late to meet up and forgot to let you know is itself not a thing to be "mad" about, but maybe it pinged your subconscious awareness that the person is generally not respectful of you. In that case, your anger is valid but not for the lateness. So in that case, again, if you recognize this you need to think about what kind of people and things you should have in your life. It might be worth having that conversation, but tbh, I find it more productive to process the reality of what they are and adjust expectations - which may mean at a minimum moving that friendship to a lightweight acquaintanceship and not giving them opportunities to do that to you - or ending the relationship.

Alternatively, if you're just a touchy person and get mad over dumb things, get some help with managing your reactions and/or (back to my first point) investigate to figure out if it's pinging on some internal thing that may or may not have to do with them.

Tl; dr: if a trivial thing has you surprisingly angry, it's worth exploring and looking the reality in the face. Therapists are usually really good at helping think and work through these kinds of things.
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Thank you. Yes, I have felt this way with them before but it’s always with the dumbest most specific thing; anything that has anything to do with them canceling on me.

Like, this time, what pretty much happened is they said they were going to send me something last night. I wake up and it’s not there, they joke about how they fell asleep in the middle of typing it up and that got me genuinely mad. I didn’t express that anger of course, but I had to step away from my text messages for a bit cause it’s like. What, is the joke that you forgot about me? How is that funny?

This has happened before and it’s always when it comes to them having to delay something regarding me or just straight up cancel it. Like if we were scheduled to have a phone call at a certain time and they say something came up, I get this feeling of “Am I that boring that you’d rather do work than hang with me?”. Or if we’re hanging out and they have to go do something real quick, I think “Nice excuse to get away from me”.

Again, I never express it. I only do so if it’s to the point where I question if they wanna stay friends, even then I make EXTRA sure to repeatedly add that I’m most likely hallucinating these problems. I think ultimately it all stems from this idea that I feel like they’re looking for an excuse to get away from me, I don’t know why I feel this way though.
 
Incredibly tired, morning sickness is kicking my ass and I’m praying that it fucks off in the next 5 or so months or so before I actually spawn my child. The other kids went back to school fairly recently though so I’ve been able to get a little more rest and work on my cross stitching projects again. Been heavily craving honeycomb ice cream and sardines, though thankfully not at the same time.
 
I had a fucking seziure at work and it was embarrassing. Now everyone thinks I'm retarded and treats me weirdly. Need to find medication that works.
 
Lingering butter taste said:
Thank you. Yes, I have felt this way with them before but it’s always with the dumbest most specific thing; anything that has anything to do with them canceling on me.

Like, this time, what pretty much happened is they said they were going to send me something last night. I wake up and it’s not there, they joke about how they fell asleep in the middle of typing it up and that got me genuinely mad. I didn’t express that anger of course, but I had to step away from my text messages for a bit cause it’s like. What, is the joke that you forgot about me? How is that funny?

This has happened before and it’s always when it comes to them having to delay something regarding me or just straight up cancel it. Like if we were scheduled to have a phone call at a certain time and they say something came up, I get this feeling of “Am I that boring that you’d rather do work than hang with me?”. Or if we’re hanging out and they have to go do something real quick, I think “Nice excuse to get away from me”.

Again, I never express it. I only do so if it’s to the point where I question if they wanna stay friends, even then I make EXTRA sure to repeatedly add that I’m most likely hallucinating these problems. I think ultimately it all stems from this idea that I feel like they’re looking for an excuse to get away from me, I don’t know why I feel this way though.
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That does sound like maybe something about you being insecure about whether people like you or not. I mean, if they are otherwise a good friend, they might just not be very good at follow-through, and it's not about them not thinking well of you. So maybe you could work on being less anxious about whether people actually like you or not. If they're not like that otherwise/ with other people, mayyybe there's something to it, but honestly, I get being annoyed, but not really being mad to the point of needing to step away. So maybe there's value in learning to temper emotional zooms up like that, or figuring out why it makes you steam.

You're not wrong to be annoyed by flaky friends, but maybe your reactions are a little high. But you also shouldn't perceive yourself as being unable to speak up about something. Calm down (like you're doing, but that doesn't necessarily mean swallowing it and stewing inside), and then later maybe say, "Hey, thanks for sending that. I appreciate it! But I thought you were going to send it by x time, because you said you would, and so I was actually waiting for it - I wish you'd let me know if you didn't have time to get to it.". I wouldn't do that the first time or every time, but if it happens a lot, it's a fine way to bring it up. If they get snappy or react negatively, you can just say it's not a huge deal, but you were kind of hanging on a string waiting and you'd rather just know if they're not going to be able to do it. The point is to let them know you'd prefer they meet commitments so you don't feel meek and silenced - and don't carry it around as some example of how people aren't good to you - but also it's not worth a wild confrontation or argument. And in the future, maybe also, if this person is like this a lot, just don't check for it the second they said they'll get it to you. Check the next day or whatever.

...If you've ever dealt with someone who is always running late, you know to build in extra time or tell them to be there a half-hour before it's critical they need to be there. But there's a limit to how indulgent you want to or should be, and again, if this is a common thing, maybe just don't depend on them.

And again, pay attention over time to see if this relationship is a satisfying or good one for you.
 
WASR96 said:
Shelled out for a purple mattress and base in an attempt to start sleeping better at home. Fuck me this thing is amazing. No back pain after waking up for the first time in years. Didn't have any night sweats. Base vibrates at the feet which took a lot of the pins and needles feeling from the chemo out so I could finally sleep. Wish I could drag this fucker to the hospital with me.
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What purple mattress did you get, because I got one and it honestly feels like any other mattress I've slept on. By the time I put on the protector and fitted sheets I can't feel the grid at all. Mind you I got a fairly basic model, but I still get back pain if I'm not careful how I lay, and it's hasn't been game changing.
 
Spilled Spaghett said:
What purple mattress did you get, because I got one and it honestly feels like any other mattress I've slept on. By the time I put on the protector and fitted sheets I can't feel the grid at all. Mind you I got a fairly basic model, but I still get back pain if I'm not careful how I lay, and it's hasn't been game changing.
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I got the restore plus and smart base. I was sleeping on a Nectar mattress before this so I've never had anything fancy. First night that I didn't get up at 2am unable to fall back asleep so I'm definitely grateful for it so far.
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
Tl; dr: if a trivial thing has you surprisingly angry, it's worth exploring and looking the reality in the face.
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That is to say, if you are suddenly angered by something minor, it's possible you're just being a hyper-sensitive retard. It's also possible you've been ignoring abusive behavior for months, years, or even longer, and this may be your last straw.
 
Vibing to Phonk music on YouTube, had a good day...but my mom's car is unusable.
Posted on a thread for Anxiety Support on Gaia Online, replied to old online friends in other socials in notes and in chat in said website, sadly missed a local library event; tried and failed to draw a design from Umineko No Naku Koro Ni in graphite, (but I won't give up) trying to be happy despite feelings of anxiety and depression rearing their ugly heads and I still have plenty of coping mechanisms for that; I'll even use those for a poor AI characters lolol.
 
WASR96 said:
I got the restore plus and smart base. I was sleeping on a Nectar mattress before this so I've never had anything fancy. First night that I didn't get up at 2am unable to fall back asleep so I'm definitely grateful for it so far.
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I have the Purple plus, which you'd think would be amazing with it being all foam and no coils. But it's only 2" of grid and ends up being a medium feel. I think I need the softest I can get. But I don't think I can afford a $3000+ mattress plus bed frame right now. I think I may have many other issues contributing to my poor sleep and low energy.
 
Spilled Spaghett said:
I have the Purple plus, which you'd think would be amazing with it being all foam and no coils. But it's only 2" of grid and ends up being a medium feel. I think I need the softest I can get. But I don't think I can afford a $3000+ mattress plus bed frame right now. I think I may have many other issues contributing to my poor sleep and low energy.
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I definitely have a lot of issues contributing to my sleep. My back was already fucked before I got cancer. Now I'm on 6+ daily meds plus chemo side effects fucking with it as well. I was saving up to get a truck instead, but I'm only really traveling to the hospital and back home so I figured I might as well splurge a bit to try to become more comfortable. I know I need to start eating healthier and try to start moving a bit more again too, but now I can't keep weight on and I'm back down to 148 lbs so I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing, everything is such a mess lol.
 
I could technically pay off my measly low-rate loan finally but it'd tank my savings. It's tempting though, just to be rid of it, but the smart thing would be giving it another few months. But man it's right ther.
Soup ‘n’ Salad said:
I’m a little down about this because I’ve never had any negative experiences with this vet office in the previous years until now, but the fact that they were trying so hard to upsell me on some expensive bullshit rather than just telling me to go back to his old food felt really alienating. I’m already living below the poverty line here, man!!!
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I've researched cat food a lot and the conclusion is "anything they'll eat that isn't 80% sugar is good". Cats eating gravel and mice going to 23 years while some pedigree breed on $5/can food dies at 9.
Spilled Spaghett said:
I have the Purple plus, which you'd think would be amazing with it being all foam and no coils. But it's only 2" of grid and ends up being a medium feel. I think I need the softest I can get. But I don't think I can afford a $3000+ mattress plus bed frame right now. I think I may have many other issues contributing to my poor sleep and low energy.
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On one hand a good bed is probably life changing, but the other it's probably a 20-30% sleep modifier that five other factors pull down. Blue light, wake up late, not physically exhausted, go to bed still digesting and thinking over all kinds of things, but that new bed is just enough to bump you over to not waking up 3 days in a row and suddenly you feel that mattress is justified. I shall once again shill the australian sleep study documentary in which obese apnea victims went from 280 cases an hour to sub 70 simply by sleeping on their side. Revolutionary and 30 seconds of googling.
 
Everyone likes me or at least doesn't dislike me, I can make conversations with people, I can happily talk with people at work, talk to random strangers, talk to old acquaintance, talk with family but I don't have any actual (close) friends and nobody knows anything about me but that is also for the fact that my life isn't interesting. So, I am afraid of people knowing about it for the fact that they would perceive my sociability as a mirage to cover up my mundane life.

I got more sentimental about it because I cut out all my escapist hobbies (except kiwifarms), although I have more time, I realise that all the hobbies I have left are related to work or study. There is nothing interesting going on in my life. The hobbies I maybe want to try out are not fun to me nor something I would like to upkeep in the future.

I am content with life but it's not how I want to life.

Edit: accidently hit ctrl+enter
 
This pain is killing me for months and my doctor appointment which should be weeks ago got canceled because they do not take my insurance anymore. And they said this after I got accepted and was two days away from the date.
Feels like shit that this could have been solved long ago if it was for the combo of me being stupid and medical stuff being a bitch. I didn't know the pain wasn't supposed to be normal since I wasted a month thinking it was really bad allergies that almost knocked me out for days.
I just hope the next appointment date on a different place wouldn't be months away.
 
Brett DeLawyer said:
Baby DeLawyer 2.0 is here! 3.53kg at three weeks early. Vitals all good.

The @Meiwaku avatar rides again!!!

Big ups to Jersh and his gay doxing website. Years ago I was terrified to be a parent, but looking at the absolute human garbage catalogued here and seeing them reproduce made me think “Shit, I know I can do a better job than that. I might as well do it.”

Now I have two perfect mini-DeLawyers. I love my little family. Feel very blessed rn.
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Mazel Tov!
 
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