How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

seeing my beloved in the next few months, and despite the several times i've asked if he's excited to see me, which he has responded in the positive for, I cant help but feel anxious and worry that he hates me, cannot stand me, wants to end things, that he thinks awful things about me because i'm a little retarded, despite him planning so many nice things to do together. why is naptime freaking out about this? because we had a short convo due to him going to bed soon when I was up at 2am in the morning. like a retard. my brain is fucking stupid and I wish I could shake it in a way that undoes the autism and anxiety sometimes. the autism can stay, but the anxiety can fuck off.

anxiety fucking sucks. I hate feeling this way with no real basis and I hate feeling like I need the reassurance of 'no I don't hate you'. and having to double check how he's feeling and if he's alright because he bottled up his emotions once when I kept asking him to be honest, and now a part of me doubts everything in that regard. i'm glad that part is getting smaller with time. I don't want anyone to feel responsible for my mental health. I gotta get my shit together and do my best, man. because if this is my best, then its pathetic. fucking hell.

I've read your comments, and I apologize for not recalling specifics, so this may be annoyingly redundant, but yes, get that needy quest for reassurance under control. That is exhausting for people - everyone else, as well as you. You've got to move toward being okay as yourself and not constantly wondering and worrying that someone you care for doesn't care for you in the same way. Ideally, you want clear eyes*, and a solid awareness and commitment to yourself that means you aren't hanging on a thread based on that other person & the relationship.

* by which I mean seeing reality and being good - both aware and personally okay - even if someone is pulling away, AND able to enjoy what you enjoy about them when they clearly enjoy you. AND being aware if your own feelings shift. You're not a pinball. Enjoy things fully, but you want to work on not hanging your very stability or happiness on another person. Of course, if anything ever goes away, it can be awful for awhile, but living in fear or replacing someone else's feelings and actions with your own fears is not fair to either of you.

And tbh, you should have (develop) more pride than to beg for reassurance.

When you get off the phone, be fine. Make yourself be fine. Don't sit and spin on it. I know, easier said than done, but internal strength is no different than muscular strength - you have to exercise it to get stronger. And that's hard, but it's important. Never hang your happiness completely on someone else's view of or feelings for you. Take a step back and say, "do I want to be that person?". Pretty sure you don't, so keep going back to that (or whatever other question stirs your dignity and pride) and push yourself out of that habit/ indulgence/ anxiety-prompted weakness. And when not with your friend, keep your thoughts mostly trained on yourself and what you want to be, not constantly daydreaming (or freaking out about) him. And when interacting with him, stifle that desire to seek reassurance. That's not good f or you or the relationship. Get or keep getting pro help/ support if that is useful to you. Ground yourself when your fear/ anxiety/ neediness rears up.

 

[73_Autistic_Fuck_54]

I'm tired of masking my autism around others, my parents keep expecting me to be normal, they keep telling me to smile more, to look at people when I'm talking to others, but I can't, eye contact feels really strange, intimate even. They don't know about the constant social blunders I've made throughout my life, they don't see me when I flap my arms or hit myself to self soothe, as I keep that hidden out of embarrassment, I always try to put on a fake smile around them, but I don't even smile properly, so I don't know why I still try. I watched an old vlog from one of my friends recently, it was our senior year, and I outwardly seemed to have the mind of a 10 year old, I was so much worse than Chris Chan, I think the only reason everyone was so kind to me was because they thought I was profoundly retarded, I wish that they would have sat me down at some point back then to explain to me what normal human behavior was, I probably could have managed to have a girlfriend at the time if I knew how to be a human. I remember my mom telling me about how some doctor told her that I "would never be able to take care of myself, or even tie my own shoes", which always struck me as odd, as I felt perfectly normal my entire life up until got the autism diagnosis in my 20s, then it all started to make sense

 

[Dyno]

Not amazing. I'm treated like I'm insufferable. People hate the way I talk, they hate the sound of my voice. I get pushed over by my collegues. I just started self destroying too, after losing all my real friends I decided to surround myself with the same group that got me groomed online. Now I am here, I constantly end up accidently degrading myself for attention because I'm honestly a lolcow myself. Cant even tell my therapist this because I'd get put in a psych ward. I am going fucking insane I wish I was normal again. Im also lacking any motivation anymore. I can barely do tasks lime brush my teeth or go to bed at a responsible time. I end up always taking the cheap way out even if it fucks me later on. I wish I could get better and be happy again.
i hope maybe i will improve though

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Finally settled into work and despite having shit go wrong and phone calls and all, it feels manageable. I still feel a bit unsettled when I arrive at work but I guess that'll disappear with time. My biggest issue is my fucking car's tires still flashing in the dashboard, ain't getting that checked til friday. God I hate tech.

You recognize that the pills and the therapy help, but you get frustrated with the process and so you self sabotage. Many such cases!

Having worked in a psych ward, it feels like getting off meds to self-destruct for a week or two is part of the calibration of the dosage. They realize (the doctors sometimes, which is scary) that they don't need as much.

I'm tired of masking my autism around others, my parents keep expecting me to be normal, they keep telling me to smile more, to look at people when I'm talking to others, but I can't, eye contact feels really strange, intimate even. They don't know about the constant social blunders I've made throughout my life, they don't see me when I flap my arms or hit myself to self soothe, as I keep that hidden out of embarrassment, I always try to put on a fake smile around them, but I don't even smile properly, so I don't know why I still try.

I've had non-verbal tourettes most of my life and when I went into 'high school' I met someone who just openly did it with his face. Looked weird at first but nobody even reacted to it. He probably had no choice whereas I sort of do, but ever since I've learned it's tourettes and can easily write it off, I got a lot more relaxed about it and ironically thus I do it less.

 

[Onion Guide]

Not amazing. I'm treated like I'm insufferable. People hate the way I talk, they hate the sound of my voice. I get pushed over by my collegues. I just started self destroying too, after losing all my real friends I decided to surround myself with the same group that got me groomed online. Now I am here, I constantly end up accidently degrading myself for attention because I'm honestly a lolcow myself. Cant even tell my therapist this because I'd get put in a psych ward. I am going fucking insane I wish I was normal again. Im also lacking any motivation anymore. I can barely do tasks lime brush my teeth or go to bed at a responsible time. I end up always taking the cheap way out even if it fucks me later on. I wish I could get better and be happy again.
i hope maybe i will improve though

Been there, it gets better, but it's impossible to see that when you're stuck in the hole. For me, I had to find healthy patterns to fall into, and better friends came naturally. Different things work for everyone, just don't give up on trying shit because eventually something will stick. Cliche advice but it's true. Go to the gym, get into shrimp farming, Jesus, Allah, something, doesn't matter.

 

[Sayer of the N-Word]

I spoke to a Bri'ish person today and he said "cheers!" to me like they do on TV.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

Life feels so goddamned meaningless. Legitimately I wonder why I do anything at all when it amounts to fucking jack shit. I'm never going to date, I'm never going to hold down a decent job, I'm never going to live on my own. What the fuck is the point? Why the hell do anything at all?

I need new copes man.

 

[WASR96]

Boss stopped by the house and dropped off a ton of food and stayed around to BS for a while. It was nice. Really grateful for my coworkers, gonna have to find a way to repay all their hospitality when I can start going back in full time.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

I'm tired of masking my autism around others, my parents keep expecting me to be normal, they keep telling me to smile more, to look at people when I'm talking to others, but I can't, eye contact feels really strange, intimate even. They don't know about the constant social blunders I've made throughout my life, they don't see me when I flap my arms or hit myself to self soothe, as I keep that hidden out of embarrassment, I always try to put on a fake smile around them, but I don't even smile properly, so I don't know why I still try. I watched an old vlog from one of my friends recently, it was our senior year, and I outwardly seemed to have the mind of a 10 year old, I was so much worse than Chris Chan, I think the only reason everyone was so kind to me was because they thought I was profoundly retarded, I wish that they would have sat me down at some point back then to explain to me what normal human behavior was, I probably could have managed to have a girlfriend at the time if I knew how to be a human. I remember my mom telling me about how some doctor told her that I "would never be able to take care of myself, or even tie my own shoes", which always struck me as odd, as I felt perfectly normal my entire life up until got the autism diagnosis in my 20s, then it all started to make sense

Not amazing. I'm treated like I'm insufferable. People hate the way I talk, they hate the sound of my voice. I get pushed over by my collegues. I just started self destroying too, after losing all my real friends I decided to surround myself with the same group that got me groomed online. Now I am here, I constantly end up accidently degrading myself for attention because I'm honestly a lolcow myself. Cant even tell my therapist this because I'd get put in a psych ward. I am going fucking insane I wish I was normal again. Im also lacking any motivation anymore. I can barely do tasks lime brush my teeth or go to bed at a responsible time. I end up always taking the cheap way out even if it fucks me later on. I wish I could get better and be happy again.
i hope maybe i will improve though

When a gardener finds certain plants fail to thrive in certain beds he doesn't kill the plant, he moves it to a more appropriate garden better suited to the plant.

 

[73_Autistic_Fuck_54]

I really want to make something of myself, it's really aggravating being trapped inside of such a glitched out brain. There's so many things that I know I can do, so many jobs I know I could thrive in, but every job I look at requires college education, Ive always had extreme difficulties in the traditional classroom setting.

 

[73_Autistic_Fuck_54]

I feel as if I have finally become fully self aware. I am fucking angry at the amount of time that I have wasted in my life, at the amount of difficulties I have as an autistic man that I never addressed growing up, or that my friends, or even my own family never tried to tell me what was socially appropriate as a kid, they just allowed me to fester and rot in my own blind spergery.

 

[Caddo Cobgang]

things are starting to get better, while I do feel that society generally sucks right now, I do feel its always good to remember that we live in a historical period just like anyone else who has ever lived in history, and most people who have existed are unknown right down to their name, I feel like much of the current crisis facing the western world at least is the advent of the internet, its like World War I where outdated tactics met a new technology, our brains clearly havent evolved for stuff like the internet, and while that should be a blackpill I feel it mostly isn't for people who can remember 99% of the shit you see on shit like twitter and reddit is alarmist bullshit, for now Ive been focusing on doing things I enjoy and that has worked well so far.

 

[long waters]

[...] eye contact feels really strange, intimate even. [...]

[...] I'm honestly a lolcow myself. [...]

I feel like I related to these posts more than I would like to admit... I am certain that to an outside observer I would be quite lolcowish in many ways. I am just barely sensible enough to avoid some of the pitfalls...

What the fuck is the point? Why the hell do anything at all?

For me it is lifting/working out, eating pizza, and hugging my daki.[*] If my life is meaningless or not is meaningless in itself. I will do all I can to continue enjoying eating pizza for as long as possible. The lifting part is very important though. You don't want to get fat from all the pizza, a balance must be maintained. Also music and books, they're both wonderful things. It is amazing how much joy words can bring.

I don't care if I'm doomed to be alone until I die, I will enjoy what I can as much as I can. I will keep on keeping on no matter what, depression and everything be damned.

[*] To any other autist thinking about making a regrettable life decision/purchase, I will say this: having a big pillow to hug does provide some emotional comfort, to the point where you might forego pursuing actual relationships. I don't think this is a good thing... Proceed with great caution, even if you are just getting a plain white cover.

[*] Also somewhat related, I have tried a weighted blanket too and it is nice. I find it very comfy and I quite like it. Although, depending where you live, in summer times it is not very practical for obvious reasons. Unless you run the AC all night or something.

But yeah, when you are living deprived of physical interaction with others, such tools do offer some comfort. Just be aware that it may make you complacent about seeking an actual remedy (real human companionship).

 

[MoeAnguish]

Could be better. I feel like I missed out on Summer to some extent. The return of school hours thus hit like a sledgehammer.

There's this camera-evasive fox that perfectly symbolizes how the last few months were while arguably being the highlight of it all.

 

[DavidS877]

Also somewhat related, I have tried a weighted blanket too and it is nice. I find it very comfy and I quite like it. Although, depending where you live, in summer times it is not very practical for obvious reasons. Unless you run the AC all night or something.

Or just move somewhere where the summer low almost never gets above 60F so you can just open the windows and put on a fan. I've had to use the AC once this year and for about a week last year.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I feel as if I have finally become fully self aware. I am fucking angry at the amount of time that I have wasted in my life, at the amount of difficulties I have as an autistic man that I never addressed growing up, or that my friends, or even my own family never tried to tell me what was socially appropriate as a kid, they just allowed me to fester and rot in my own blind spergery.

It's never too late to learn. Ever. And if you're truly angry, that's worth (eventually) moving on from. I don't mean pretending it isn't real or pretending that there weren't negatives that hurt you or people who failed you. It's good to acknowledge those to yourself - just don't let it get too much in your way. As you get better in your own self, that anger will likely recede because it will become less and less relevant to your actual, present life. Anger can be a fuel to action and determination, but it can also hobble you if held too close

...self-awareness is awesome and 1000000x better than the lack of it - consider it your first stepping-stone to living a better life.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

Honestly I think I'm just gonna radicalize as much as possible. I need something to latch onto and quite frankly it isn't "god".

Don't have to get bitches to gain power.

After all, a very angry painter who was very much possibly a virgin ended up taking over half of Europe for a bit lol

 

[73_Autistic_Fuck_54]

It's never too late to learn. Ever. And if you're truly angry, that's worth (eventually) moving on from. I don't mean pretending it isn't real or pretending that there weren't negatives that hurt you or people who failed you. It's good to acknowledge those to yourself - just don't let it get too much in your way. As you get better in your own self, that anger will likely recede because it will become less and less relevant to your actual, present life. Anger can be a fuel to action and determination, but it can also hobble you if held too close

...self-awareness is awesome and 1000000x better than the lack of it - consider it your first stepping-stone to living a better life.

I suppose what angers me is that I could have easily presented as "normal" and mature, but nobody bothered to explain human behavior to me. It does feel good to have that self awareness, as I finally have something to build off of.

 

[Ram Ranch Resident]

Almost done with my first week of the semester the new schedule is kind of kicking my ass, but the work seems manageable enough. Planning on heading out with a few friends this weekend, so we'll see how that goes. Wins all around.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Honestly I think I'm just gonna radicalize as much as possible. I need something to latch onto and quite frankly it isn't "god".

Don't have to get bitches to gain power.

After all, a very angry painter who was very much possibly a virgin ended up taking over half of Europe for a bit lol

Imagine thinking this isn't its own type of power.