How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I've been feeling very depressed recently. I was going to post a long rant, but I will make a TLDR version. Basically, my mom is crazy and bipolar, and she forces me to do online college. My teacher is nice, but online school is very lonely, and the work sucks. I was homeschooled and wish I had the chance to go to high school so I could move away from Mom and go to in-person college, but unfortunately I will never have those opportunities again. I will never have a high school experience or friend circle, I will probably never move away from my mom's house, and I will never get to achieve my goal of becoming a sports coach.

And to make all this worse, my mom thinks life is great, and I can't convince her to let me drop out of online college even though I hate doing it. But when my mom talks to people about my online college experience, she tells people how great it is that I'm in college and staying at home and that she's glad she homeschooled me. But now because of her parenting, I will most likely never get a job, I will never have a girlfriend, I will never play sports, I will never join the military, and I will never get to be a normal person. What goals do I have left? My life is basically over because of my mom's reckless decision to homeschool me without any effort, and I have no escape from her. I'm trapped at home, with no future or way out. My life is at a dead end, and because of it, I'm depressed and miserable

How can I fix my life before it's too late?
Spilled Spaghett said:
So if you didn't form your social network early in life when people are obligated to be around and work with each other you mostly fucked yourself for the rest of your life.
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This is exactly how I feel about being homeschooled. I will never have friends besides my handful from the few extracurriculars I did as a kid, such as cooking, but I lost contact with them, and they are boring losers just like me. So I will never have the childhood and teenage experience of growing up and making friends throughout school, and now that I'm an adult, my only opportunity left to make friends my age, college, is all online, and most of the people in my classes don't interact with me beyond saying what amounts to "cool" to my discussion posts, so the door to socialize with kids my age is closed.
Rekeita's Kidneys said:
Not good.

I don't know what I can even do to escape this hell.

I'm running out of copes.
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Same here. At least I have college football to cope with my ever-saddening life.
 
After contemplating I decided not to kill myself until I get what I want. I must live to achieve my goals of (renting) a nice house and get a puppy. My social life might never recover but I still have material gain to pursue.

I refuse to be a debt slave to the bank, I need that cash for spending on other stuff. Where I live don't have insane rent and it's a viable option. I don't plan on living long anyways. I understand that for some people they want to live but I don't want to live to old age as a schizo. So my retirement plan is bullet to the head
Bonzi Baptist said:
I will never join the military
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I thought they take anyone with all their limbs intact. It might not be too late for you man you can turn this around
Spilled Spaghett said:
What is it about women in the medical field that gives them such an ego? They have some surface level knowledge about whatever field they're in and they insist they are an expert.
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I was going to type up something here but you know what? I give up defending foids. Fuck it. They wouldn't do the same for me anyways
Spilled Spaghett said:
This seem especially true with women in psychology who insist on telling you how people actually behave and if you don't fit into that box or have a different opinion they became vindictive banshees.
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This is just their way of calling you a psycho. They might say shit like it's okay to be mentally ill but what they actually mean is that you should have all your free will taken away because you're a dangerous nutcase or otherwise shouldn't be making your own decisions
 
Ruined by the Rain said:
After contemplating I decided not to kill myself until I get what I want. I must live to achieve my goals of (renting) a nice house and get a puppy. My social life might never recover but I still have material gain to pursue.
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You best post a picture of the little fucker whenever you get him/her!

Pets are good to have, I admit my little cat does remind me that I may be actually indeed lovable, and my dog keeps me company when I'm doing shit outside.

I think the one thing keeping me from ropemaxxing is that suicide is a tranny trait. Have to endure, and remind yourself life can be much worse/better.
 
Brett DeLawyer said:
Doctor just keeps telling me to put my feet up and rest. “Can you stay home this weekend? Can you just chill?”

My brother in Christ, how do you chill with a small child at home?
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Ah I love this kind of advice. Can you just relax? Yeah sure if you look after the baby and the older ones and clean and cook and sort things out? You can’t? Ok well then I guess no relaxing.
Wishing you a safe and calm delivery and a healthy baby anyway.
I feel very gloomy. Life is not what it wanted it to be. It cannot be fixed without great damage.
 
Rekeita's Kidneys said:
Pets are good to have, I admit my little cat does remind me that I may be actually indeed lovable, and my dog keeps me company when I'm doing shit outside.
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I agree. Getting pets made me realise I'm not a complete psychopath the way others accused me of.
Rekeita's Kidneys said:
I think the one thing keeping me from ropemaxxing is that suicide is a tranny trait. Have to endure, and remind yourself life can be much worse/better.
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The reason I want to kill myself is directly because I'm born with genetic mental health condition. Schizophrenia ruined my life and I'm unable to stop myself from doing deranged psychotic things because I was convinced that the delusion I'm in at the time was 100% real and I acted accordingly. Whenever that happened I wanted to end it all because of how disappointed I am in myself.

I used to have dreams of a complete and fulfilling life but now all I can reasonably get and sustain are material things. I'm too unstable to have the dream career I wanted but I'm luckier than other schizos and I can hold down a job, it's just that I would probably never achieve anything in my life.

It's hard to accept that this is it for me. But I recently come to accept that. Having to live like that for 40+ years seems unbearable. When the time comes where the pain outweighs the gain I think I'm going to check out.
 
Ruined by the Rain said:
I must live to achieve my goals of (renting) a nice house and get a puppy.
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I truly believe there is no greater good in the world than dogs. They are an unconditional love that humans are completely incapable of. Sometimes my dog is an asshole, he's a pest, and I love him to death. He is the cutest thing in the world holding his stuffed dog and nudging my hand so I'll rub his head.

Ruined by the Rain said:
I was going to type up something here but you know what? I give up defending foids. Fuck it. They wouldn't do the same for me anyways
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I'm not even trying to say fuck foids, but I've never met a man respond like this. They're the kind of people who can't fit the square peg in the round hole and will smash the whole bucket for it.
 
I'm finally not being a retard and now counting calories, starting day three of actually paying attention and I'm feeling pretty good.
 
Bonzi Baptist said:
wish I had the chance to go to high school so I could move away from Mom and go to in-person college, but unfortunately I will never have those opportunities
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I'm not sure I understand how being home schooled for your secondary education dictates your college education or your ability ever to leave home. If online is what she will pay for, you have two choices: do it or don't. You could, alternatively, go get a job and/or work and pay your way through college.

Or, if you continue at home and doing college classes online, why aren't you leaving the house otherwise? Get a job, start learning to run, go do things.

Bonzi Baptist said:
again. I will never have a high school experience or friend circle
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Although I am friendly with people from high school, they were never my core social group after high school. I moved away, many others did as well, and many stayed local. My social circle in college was college friends; in grad school grad school friends; in the adult world, people I met as an adult. Your biggest hurdle is probably underused social muscles and thinking that making friends is a monumental effort of mythical proportions. That's your upbringing to blame, but you're not imprisoned by that. Join stuff. Go be around people. Participate and do stuff.

Bonzi Baptist said:
, I will probably never move away from my mom's house, and I will never get to achieve my goal of becoming a sports coach.
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Did you play sports? What kind/ level of coach? Have you resrarched what you need to do to become a coach? And do you volunteer or otherwise spend time coaching or officiating or even being a booster for youth sports?

Recommend reaching out to local coaches to see if you can help out or find out info about coming one. Are you socially comfortable enough to lead a team? I ask because you seem worried that your aspirations are being throttled by your mother, whereas coaches generally have fairly dominant and/ or self-confident personality styles. If that's not you, though, there might be other roles in coaching/ teams that you'd maybe like even better.

Bonzi Baptist said:
And to make all this worse, my mom thinks life is great, and I can't convince her to let me drop out of online college even though I hate doing it. But when my mom talks to people about my online college experience, she tells people how great it is that I'm in college and staying at home and that she's glad she homeschooled me. But now because of her parenting, I will most likely never get a job,
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Why?

Bonzi Baptist said:
I will never have a girlfriend,
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Why?

Bonzi Baptist said:
I will never play sports,
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Why?

Bonzi Baptist said:
I will never join the military,
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Why?

Bonzi Baptist said:
and I will never get to be a normal person. What goals do I have left? My life is basically over because of my mom's reckless
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Something's not really "reckless" when you choose it consistently for 13 years and continue to believe it the best choice. That's pretty deliberate. What kinds of conversations did you have with her at high-school age about switching to a local school or doing some classes there (some places allow homeschooled kids to participate in certain things at the public school)?

Bonzi Baptist said:
decision to homeschool me without any effort
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She put in zero effort in 13 years of homeschooling you?
You write clearly and well, so either she did something or you taught yourself a lot and are capable of more than you think.

Bonzi Baptist said:
, and I have no escape from her. I'm trapped at home, with no future or way out.
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I don't agree at all, based on what you've said.

Further, now that you are (I assume) 18, you have the legal authority to make many decisions yourself that you did not previously have. You have the ability to make decisions - and to work to make them happen. I'm not going to say that parents don't have immense influence and power over children, even at 18+, because in most cases they absolutely do. And parents can attach strings to things or dictate a lot still. But 18 yos can also either break away on their own, or negotiate with parents and assert some greater role in certain aspects of their lives, even while living with or dependent on parents.

Maybe do some research on self-assertion or in creating some plans for greater independence. Hell, for that second thing, ask AI to create you a plan for greater independence or how to have (and prepare for) a conversation with your mother. Doesn't need to be (ideally, shouldn't be) a negative or aggressive confrontation, but opening a dialogue and also demonstrating your determination and dedication to creating and following through on your goals.

If she's unhinged and can't be handled in a way to get to a good alternative situation, then you can start planning a way out of dependence altogether.

Also, if you've got health insurance, even if on her plan, your medical info is private and you can find a therapist on your own.
Bonzi Baptist said:
My life is at a dead end, and because of it, I'm depressed and miserable
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Think about what you can possibly do to make your own life better. Surely there is something among the dozen things I mentioned above.
 
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Bonzi Baptist said:
But now because of her parenting, I will most likely never get a job, I will never have a girlfriend, I will never play sports, I will never join the military, and I will never get to be a normal person. What goals do I have left? My life is basically over because of my mom's reckless decision to homeschool me
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This is all utter pity party BS. It sounds like something an 15 year old would say/write or someone who wants to blame others for being utterly passive and disengaged about their own life.

You should be 18 plus and the only way your life gets better is if you actively choose to make it better instead of wallow in the past and blame mom. You make your own choices now, not your mom. If she is making them it’s because you allow it. You are responsible for yourself, but you don’t seem to want the burden.

Parents will make decisions and plans if their child seem incapable of doing it or is utterly aimless or passive. Do you find it comforting to have mom make all the decisions about your life so you don’t feel responsible for your own life?


Bonzi Baptist said:
and I will never get to achieve my goal of becoming a sports coach.
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1. I’m actually responding to this post specifically because this is such an achievable goal, unless you are talking NFL or college level head coach jobs. Not only that you could be doing it next week and volunteers are badly needed in youth sports so you’d be making a real positive contribution to your community.

2. It also seems like an odd choice for someone who seems so passive and claims they have no social life. I’m just curious why you want to coach sports. Did you play or enjoy sports as a kid?

Being a coach requires high degree of agreeability and sociability. You first need to start acting like an aggressive coach for your own life before trying to coach others. How is a guy that wrote that post going to give pep talks and motivate others ffs?

All that said, there is zero reason you can’t do it. Community groups, churches and schools are absolutely desperate for volunteers for youth sports. They particularly covet young adults because there is no parental bias/ parent’s social BS involved and kids love having “not a parent” adult.

Get your feet wet as a (dependable) volunteer assistant coach in youth leagues to learn the ropes. Apply to take referee training and certification course and you will be vital part of games and learn a lot that can help you coach.

Idk where you live but BBBS even have “sports buddies” mentoring programs where you just mentor and support kid that want to play a sport, but they are in foster care or don’t have dependable parents that enable them to participate. This would be a great way to get your feet wet and you’d learn a lot about the broader sports community, how it works and how to socialize in it.

You volunteer for 2-3 years in various youth sport programs you’ll have groups begging you to help coach. If you get a physical education degree, with years of volunteering with youth sports and the networking that does with it, you could get a job coaching at schools or organizations.
 
Happy 1000 pages. I'm so glad there's a place for us to be vulnerable and connect with others. In honor of the milestone, I want to share some pics that help me, cuz maybe they can help you too.
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And finally my favorite, that has moved me for years...
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