How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I had to contact the cocksucker that fired me. He failed to sign the PO for my hours as a contractor because he doesn't have field engineers anymore. I did 96 hours over the course of 8 days. Grand total of $30k for my new employer.

New boss man was pretty stoked. I'm his only medium voltage drives engineer. Everyone else he has is techs. So he can charge more with me.

"Next time, we need to increase the base by 30%"

"Wait...why?!?"

I explained to him how my old employer charges the customer double what we charged him.

"JSD, if we piss them off, they will stop using you"

I explained how the one idiot my old employer sent fucked shit up so bad and pissed off the customer so badly, that they only want me doing things moving forward. Legitimately, the clown they sent is banned from compressor sites up and down the East Coast.

"Boss, they can't argue. And worse comes to worse, we purchase the equipment directly ourselves and I will commission it"

I look forward to that cocksucker gritting his teeth and signing every fucking PO as I extract every fucking dime out of his pocket, as I can.

This idiot serious has fired and chased away his entire workforce. And now he is trying to replace decades with of experience with kids straight out of college.
 
Without going into detail, I won some money about 1/4th of what I make in a year. (After being decimated by taxes, haha.) I have told nobody IRL. It was obviously quite exciting, but it's really not that much money. I took my friend out to a nice restaurant and I bought two other people nicer-than-average birthday presents that I otherwise would probably not have gotten. I don't have any debts. I put a few thousand into my RothIRA. I put a thousand into my HYSA emergency fund. I bought a pint of my favorite ice cream.

I felt anxious about "not doing enough "winner" stuff." I felt like the karmic gods were going to curse me because I won thousands of dollars and kinda shrugged and went on with life. I have a couple coworkers that go out on giant binges when they win 200 dollars on a scratcher, and that's how my trailer trash family is, too. I kinda felt the jealous ghosts of them in my head. "If you aren't going to do anything good with that money, it should have been me who won it. I would be able to pay off my debts, I would be able to buy a car, I would be able to go to the doctor. What are you doing? Nothing. Why did you have to win?" etc etc.

But then I thought about it. I don't have any debts, I don't drive cuz I'm blind, and I have enough money to go to the doctor. My first thought about winning this money was literally trying to do the mental math to figure out if I'll be able to max out my RothIRA this year. My financial plan is just bigger than the sort of paycheck-to-paycheck, one-month-at-a-time scope that I was raised under.

I felt quite guilty and still do. I think if my family knew that I won this money, bought presents for my friends, but didn't bother to pay down any of their debts or give them money, they'd be really angry. I feel like I am hiding a secret even though it's not like I have a pile of cash under my mattress- my account balances are just like 3 months ahead of where they'd otherwise be. I swear I'm not rich. And if I paid down my family's debts, or God forbid, gave them cash, well- I might as well have burned it. It wouldn't really change their lives like they think it would. They would be furious to hear me say that. Haha. I feel so guilty.
 
Is it normal to just have no clue who you are? Like genuinely no clue, not “Oh I have no hobbies or interests” like your name dosent even sound like your name anymore and you have no clue what your personality is or who you are as a person, your appearance dosent even feel like yours. You have like and dislikes but you’re distant from them, they’re not “yours” you’ve just floated through life and found bad and good things. I’ve been feeling this way for a while and I’m starting to think it’s not normal. It feels like I was literally born yesterday.
 
I've been rather depressed over the past week or so. Probably due to a lack of sleep, but also the fact that I've come to realize no one truly cares about me has been weighing on me. It took almost a full week for any supposed online "friend" (outside KF) or family member just to reach out/send a meme. I wouldnt mind too much if it weren't for the fact that I initiate most of the convos.

I dont have any IRL friends. All the men at church are either married with kids or in college with various school clubs they attend. All my old college friends are also married or dating long term. I'd like to make some, though my work schedule makes it hard (opening from early AM to Noon/1pm for three days, then 10 am-close, which lately has been 9pm, on Friday/Saturday.)

Familywise, I hardly see them. Again, maybe a text once a week. Go visit them normally about once a month (though with busy season rn, it's been on the backburner). And every time I visit, my parents said they'll some up and visit, but they've only been up once, and that was for my baptism. Meanwhile, they've talked and sent photos when they've visited my younger brother at his house.

I get the feeling that if I were to die suddenly tomorrow, people would just be sad for a moment, and then replace me with someone or something else.

Forgive my venting session, I just don't know how or where else to talk about these feelings without being ignored or have platitudes sent only for things staying the same.
SPOILER]
 
I'm fine, it's been a second day of work on my new place and I'm tired of mandatory but unnecessary corporate bullshit. But I hope for the better, I hope to get to work better, harder and to become more disciplined.
Discipline defines you and your boundaries, your life style, it is your body frame which doesnt allow your brains to leak out all over the things you find interesring or/and important.
I want to be more disciplined.
Edit: the fruits of working here and forging your discipline might be more promising than on my previous place.
Edit 2: I almost started to enjoy changes and anxiety of these, remembering the ending scene of Catch-22 movie
 
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Ever since my dad died, i feel lost and struggling with complex emotions. Everything from the funeral to the burial was difficult for me. I’m going through accounts of his and contacting companies to tell them that my dad died and finding out what to be done about his accounts, cleaning out his house and deciding what should be thrown away or kept like very old paperwork from his job as a doctor from the 00s and 90s. It’s like there is a hole in me and i still think of him daily. Been taking some time off of work and internet stuff to gather myself as I’m trying to get through life. Been dealing with my grief through writing stories which has always helped, listening to music, and going on walks. I’m really thankful for my closest friends who have been here for me and helping me throughout these difficult times.
 
Super Guido said:
How do I deal with it? I've almost completely stopped drawing because it drives me nuts.
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I usually draw a very crude skeleton underneath like its just lines and circles for joints and than compare the forearm lines and Imagine how it would look from that perspective, and if I’m home and drawing some odd pose or playing a sport or fighting or jumping, measure with a small ruler where the arm/leg closer is considered full size where if the leg is farther than it’s 4/5 or 3/5ths depending on the position of the guy, the size at least that works for me when doing anatomy.
And remember cooldown periods where once you finish a drawing don’t jump to the next one, wait at least day to get some more ideas.
 
Liquid denim said:
Don't waste a favor on something simple. You never know when you will need it for something more important
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Nah, it's a figure of speech. I mean, yeah, he owes me a 12 pack now but I know in the future if I'm in a jam on something that's something in his wheelhouse then I can call him up. Too bad his sister is a trash human.
 
Neighborhood Janny said:
I wish you peace my friend. It's better to acknowledge that there are things we can explain and others we can't. People are perhaps the hardest things to figure out and sometimes the best thing to do is just walk away. Positive vibes.
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Thank you it’s been extremely rough lately but I hope eventually things can improve.
 
Cancer came back. Spread to the part of my brain that controls motor function in my left hand. Feeling hopeless.
 
My mood has been better recently. I went through another depression spell for a few weeks but I seem to be over it. Nothing obvious caused it, it just happens sometimes.
 
WASR96 said:
Cancer came back. Spread to the part of my brain that controls motor function in my left hand. Feeling hopeless.
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Oh god, that's horrible! :( I'm so sorry to hear that.
I was a Teenage “JA”-man said:
I usually draw a very crude skeleton underneath like its just lines and circles for joints and than compare the forearm lines and Imagine how it would look from that perspective, and if I’m home and drawing some odd pose or playing a sport or fighting or jumping, measure with a small ruler where the arm/leg closer is considered full size where if the leg is farther than it’s 4/5 or 3/5ths depending on the position of the guy, the size at least that works for me when doing anatomy.
And remember cooldown periods where once you finish a drawing don’t jump to the next one, wait at least day to get some more ideas.
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Sounds doable with gesture drawing. Thank you.
 
This site has been genuinely bummin me out, I have to take a break but it’s like I’m addicted? I’ve tried going a bit without it but like by the end of day one I get kind of jittery and anxious.

To be frank, I was never good with social norms and conventions. I was never good at really knowing what’s normal and what’s not, what’s ok and what’s not. When I came across this site, a lot of stuff I thought was ok and normal, it turns out it’s not. I kind of use this site as a social guide on how to live my life, so I feel like if I go without it for a while, I’m gonna do something terrible that I didn’t even know was terrible.

I kinda wish “polite society” wasn’t a thing and people could just walk up and tell me “Hey, this is weird, don’t do that” instead of just side eye me silently as if I’m supposed to get what the fuck they’re trying to say from that. This forum is the only place that tells me how to act, but it’s seriously depressing me cause it’s just so… Negative I guess. I wanna get back to doing my hobbies and what makes me happy but I’m scared I’m going to accidentally do something wrong that I had no clue was wrong and I won’t be able to take it back. I know I sound schizo right now but I was trying to take a break again and here I am at 2 AM searching up random terms in the search to see “Ok, is it ok if I do this? What about this?”. It’s become a thing that whenever a friend wants to introduce me to something, I go “hold on” and search it in the search function first to make sure it’s “ok” to like.

Holy shit I think there may be something actually wrong with me. Typing this out I sound genuinely insane.
 
WASR96 said:
Cancer came back. Spread to the part of my brain that controls motor function in my left hand. Feeling hopeless.
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Look, man, that's obviously not some good news and I don't want to give you the usual beaten to death "just hang on, it will be fine", because in situations like these it sounds like people don't care. I am just some weirdo stranger from a forum where people laugh at internet spergs, but nevertheless I am wishing for you to fight this shit and come on top of it.
Still, life isn't an anime, so it is better to consider all outcomes. Do you have relatives or family who can take care of you? Some business that you want to finish just in case? Some things that you want to sort out yourself? Something that you want to say to someone? Not because I think you should give up, but because sometimes putting those things in order gives a bit of peace of mind, no matter how things turn out.
 
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