How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I didn’t pass my cloud computing exam that work had me do, so I’m gonna keep studying over the next few weeks. Other than that, the job is going well. I’ve definitely been going to sleep and getting up earlier. It’s actually kinda nice in a way. I start my third week tomorrow.
 
Both the opportunity and interest in changing roles appeared at work overnight, only to hear the resident know-it-all wants to move to that role as well, so he's almost guaranteed to get it. However there's a second new role which is basically a substitute for aforementioned role AND 2 other 'specialist' ones. Sounds even more exciting, except my job title won't change despite doing the first job's role 19 of 20 days, and the two other roles will be surface level at best.

On one hand it' a no brainer to apply for and accept whichever of the two. No more breaking my back or being forced to undergo this certificate study once I've been working for two years, but it also just sucks that I won't get a new title which'll shine my resume up cause it's a classic and well-known "reliable man's man" job. And then there's the question of whether I should keep applying for other work if I get this gig, or just cool it for half a year? I'm still paranoid about getting stuck here but fuck sake, it's been 1.5 years. It's nothing.

Kinda funny how important a job title can be. But I guess that's why we got "customer success specialists" instead of "desk support".
 
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I’m doing well. I’ve been back in SoCal for about three weeks now and I still hate the weather and the people. I also found a deep-seated hatred of SoCal’s Metro transit system I really only glossed over in the past.

I had to take in my iPhone for screen repair due to me being a retard and accidentally stepping on it while it was in a pair of pants I left on the floor. And yes I had a screen protector and a case on it, it must have been nestled near a button or something and the pressure was concentrated on a single point rather than being spread out. I set up a repair appointment at a Best Buy but it was pointless because they apparently didn’t have the part for it. I scheduled a new one at a nearby Apple Store and not only did they have the part for it, they also discovered that my front camera was busted when the screen cracked. Thankfully it cost me nothing except for a 4 hours (two of which I spent seeing Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, it would’ve gone quicker if I remembered to update iOS) of my time to get it repaired. They initially quoted me $99 for the repair but that charge mysteriously vanished from my statement when I went to pick it up, I could only assume that my mobile provider covered that part of the bill.
Brett DeLawyer said:
Old man orange cat I’ve had for 15 years has died. I keep expecting him, he’s just always there? In the window, under my feet, by the food bowl. But now he’s not there and it’s weird. His adopted alley cat (he had his own orange cat, we weren’t gonna keep her but he fell in love) is left behind and she, too, seems weird. She hasn’t been an only cat since whatever her life was before she barged in.
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Pet deaths suck, the most recent my family had was a tuxedo tabby cat we had to euthanize due to a really aggressive form of nasal cancer. His two brothers (a true tuxedo cat and an orange tabby tuxedo) thankfully avoided the same fate but it was a big sucker punch for us all.

And then, after what felt like a year at most, we ended up rescuing a dilute tortoiseshell kitten that’s an absolute menace here (in a good way).
Brett DeLawyer said:
Mentioned to my ma how we would probably get the cat (and my kid) a kitten after some time had passed and she just said “no, the cat will be fine, you shouldn’t bother.” ??? The woman perplexes me.
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She probably still believes that cats are loners. While cats can live on their own they always benefit from having a companion cat.

As far as getting a kitten’s concerned you’re better off getting a cat that’s around the same age as your other cat, It’s easier for similarly-aged cats to bond when following proper integration guidelines and you’re saving a homeless cat that has a higher chance of being euthanized.
Brett DeLawyer said:
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Aww, he looks like my orange tuxedo tabby. The only real difference is that he lacks a “scratch mark” of white fur on his nose and that he’s not running towards the nearest hiding spot after noticing the camera.
 
Nerves are shot; new job starts in a few days, which wouldn't be so bad... except it's a retail position, as a temporary worker for the holidays. I know I should be grateful for any positions that are open, especially as the job pays pretty well, it's just... I've worked retail on the holidays before, and it was NOT a fun time. It actually got to the point where I started suffering from legit health issues; had to chug down caffeine in order to keep myself awake on a chunk of days, which started giving me heart problems. Doesn't help that I still have to deal with certain people who insist that retail is " a super quiet and laid-back job" in the modern era.

On the personal side of things; my writings have borderline stalled. Made a bit of progress with a certain character, but I'm legit lost on where to go next; plot's a mystery, since I've already used most/all of my favorite ideas beforehand, and I'd rather not repeat myself. What few ideas I do have also contradict the overall tone that I'm wanting to go with.

Also doesn't help that one particular detail fits legit perfectly with the plot, I'm just hesitant about using it because... well, there's some crap memories associated with it. Not the idea itself, but what it reminds me of.

I've also been trying to get back into gaming a bit more, as a relaxation thing, with... mixed results; I've been getting far more frustrated and easily bored of most games. Half of the time I can't bring myself to enjoy some because it's either a game that I've already played and got burnt out with, or it's just not what I'm looking for. Doesn't help that so many companies and developers are supporting troons and loons these days; feels like fags just infest everything.
 
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I've been doing a lot of landscape painting recently after binging a lot of the anime I grew up with (Ruroni Kenshin, Sailor Moon, classic Ghibli)

I think my goal right now is to get good enough at replicating the gouache/watercolor backgrounds that these shows used to use, and try painting settings from different IPs in these aesthetics. Shit like a grassland on a Halo installation, the top of the Hollow Tower from Fear and Hunger, the Citadel towering over City 17, and so on.

The big downside I'm running into is getting over that hurdle of not being able to trust the process, so to speak. It's super easy to get discouraged when a painting isn't immediately turning out the way you want it to, and I've wound up scraping a few projects that I probably could've salvaged if I forced myself to knuckle down and push through. That, and I definitely do a lot better at picking up painting techniques when I have actual resources to learn from like books and video courses, whereas with this recent kick I've been eyeballing sub-HD screenshots and trying to get a ballpark estimate of what the artist was doing/thinking.

On the upside, it's nice to have a more creative hobby, since I feel like the past few years I've been focusing too much on work and haven't given myself the breathing room to focus on just having fun and refining a skill that isn't related to my professional life.

Also taking a page from Josh's book and growing some peppers on my patio. Scotch bonnets, if anyone's curious. They're not a common ingredient used in my area, but there's a jerk chicken recipe in one of my cookbooks that I've been meaning to try for a decade, and I want to go for authenticity.
 
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obsdj said:
but multiple circumstances have collided at the same time as the storm to leave me in a soon-to-be-homeless situation AGAIN.
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Is there anyone in your family you can call, or an old friend? A relative had a series of bad events happen (including their spouse dying) and was in very straitened circumstances. I found out about this ~2 months ago, but it had been happening to them for about a year. They were being very proud about not accepting help. I talked them into letting me send them $20/week in emergency money for a couple of months. They're doing a lot better now. It's not the money I sent, that was a small amount. But I think knowing someone cared motivated them. They just got a pretty good job etc.

Wishing you the best and don't be too proud to ask your family for help if you have one.
I was really tired this AM. I think I did too much lifting yesterday. I got a lot of sleep but didn't do much of the stuff on my list (print more business cards, finish a hobby project etc). But still I felt good today. Did some jogging and got some rest after a very over-scheduled work week.
 
I've only now found out that my favorite teacher from primary school passed away 3 weeks ago. He taught biology, he was a very gentle and kind man, very good at teaching. He was also an avid nature photographer and he would often use his own photographs as examples when we went through new material. Unfortunately, 8th grade was very boring because we only learned about the human body that year, so he would only show his new photographs when we had nothing else to do. May he rest in peace.
 
TheMeanOne said:
Is there anyone in your family you can call, or an old friend? A relative had a series of bad events happen (including their spouse dying) and was in very straitened circumstances. I found out about this ~2 months ago, but it had been happening to them for about a year. They were being very proud about not accepting help. I talked them into letting me send them $20/week in emergency money for a couple of months. They're doing a lot better now. It's not the money I sent, that was a small amount. But I think knowing someone cared motivated them. They just got a pretty good job etc.

Wishing you the best and don't be too proud to ask your family for help if you have one.
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I'm alone. I have friends/acquaintances who know my circumstances. Nobody's able or willing to assist other than thoughts and prayers, which are welcome but they don't put a roof over my head. Thank you for the well wishes.
 
ShootyPee said:
Terrible
I believe I have obesity induced orthopnea and can barely sleep as a result
Will schedule a doctors appointment soon and get a CPAP to help me sleep and lose weight
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I just had my physical condition checked and my heart, lungs and blood oxygen are fine minus elevated triglyceride etc due to excess weight
Now all I have to do is make an appointment with a sleep specialist to get checked for apnea
 
Feeling pretty meh. The guy who committed suicide from work has got under my skin and I'm feeling angry that he left a kid behind.

I'm only working a couple a nights a week on night shift and my free time is meant to be spent working on my skills and self employment, I just cannot be bothered.

I have to take a bunch of painkillers for a congenital condition which is slowly getting worse. I'm either feeling dosed up and foggy or in pain. Thankfully my girlfriend is supportive and isn't money focused as long as bills are being paid she's laid back.

I want more out of life but am struggling to achieve anything other than paying bills and saving a little.
 
Well, my new job starts tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it. As I mentioned, I know there's plenty of people who are looking for jobs, and that I should be thankful, etc., but fucking hell I am not looking forward to working retail for the winter. Doesn't help that I still deal with old boomers who insist that "it'll be a different and more laid-back experience" than the prior retail job I had. Pretty sure I legit made more from unemployment than what this new job will be paying; also doesn't help that the jobs that I've actually been wanting to get are either unavailable or I can't get for various reasons. "There's so many jobs around, your generation is just lazy!" Sod off.

Of course, at least I got plenty of things done over my unemployment period, right? Nope! I've gotten a whopping total of 0 things actually done for the past month or so; I've made a little progress on various projects, but nothing concrete as of yet. Part of it is dealing with a number of family and friend issues; without getting too much into things, I've lost several close family and friends over the past few months, and I've had to deal with several asshole family members fucking up more. Doesn't help that I have had some family members taking shit out on me.

There's also that old writing incident I mentioned previously; at the risk of sounding sappy, I've been making some attempts at moving on from it, but things aren't going all that well. Can't exactly talk with my prior group or make amends, as they all moved on years ago, and I have no real way of contacting them. Besides, I'm fairly certain that I might be the only one that remembers what happened. Can't talk to anyone about it either, as there's... a large number of issues preventing me from it, which I can't quite get into without going into slight TMI territory. I will say, I'm very tired of blaming myself; it happened, the evidence is there and will always be there, but I'm wanting to move on... and yet, I don't feel like I can.

So, I guess I just need to ask: how the hell do I keep going? Not like I'm suicidal, mind; I just feel... mentally stuck, like I can't do anything, there's nothing positive or exciting, and my nerves are shot. Anyone got advice?
 
I have an interview for a job at the end of the week but I don't think I want it, because even though it sounds interesting, they would want me to go into the office 3 times a week. The only reason I'm even talking to them is that the recruiter is a friend of a friend.

Scream Aim Fire said:
So, I guess I just need to ask: how the hell do I keep going? Not like I'm suicidal, mind; I just feel... mentally stuck, like I can't do anything, there's nothing positive or exciting, and my nerves are shot. Anyone got advice?
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I feel like this a lot these days. I honestly wish I had some good advice for you but I've been stuck in this rut for over a year now myself.
 
Brother is dying of stage IV pancreatic cancer. Found out only a few weeks ago. Too late for chemo or surgery. A home nurse thinks he's got weeks left. He's stopped eating and is barely drinking. He was my favourite brother.
 
I've been struggling with a toxic work environment for the last few months. I hate the word toxic, it gets overused but that's the only way to describe it. I've been in some terrible situations but this is insane, which is sad because it could be so good. It's really been affecting my mental health.

I went fishing yesterday and caught some great fish - cobia, tuna, snapper being the highlights. I distributed the excess catch to appreciative friends and colleagues which made me feel good. I recently also was able to donate my time both to a person and an animal that needed help which made me feel useful and valued as well.
I then had a wonderful meal with my progeny who I love more than anything which was really special, I needed that. I felt like we connected again. I hadn't been able to do that for a while.

Today I finally had some wins at the workplace which were vindicating and satisfying. I'm not going in tomorrow - I'm taking a well-earned mental health day.

Keep doing what is right. Don't stop fighting. We're all going to make it.
 
Baron said:
Got an early birthday present - a possible leukemia diagnostics.

It just bums me out about my mother and my animals, and that I might not be able to see the day of the rope, but overall I'm not that bothered by the prospect of fucking off the circus.
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I survived, cunts.

Wasn't cancer. Won't power-level in details, but my diagnostic showed the highest recorded results in my state for a given immunoglobulin and it caused some wild inflammatory response.

Hope everyone's doing fine.
 
I am feeling a lot better thanks to both my employer and my doctor who have got me straightened out. I threw out all the things that made me unhappy, got rid of my videogames, and I am going to school for real next year. I am just unhappy I couldn’t seek help sooner and not have lost friends— but thats life. Maybe this next chapter will be better.
 
dick brain said:
Going through it.

It's been a rough few weeks. One of my main reasons for not killing myself for a long time was that my dad and I had a sort of reverse suicide pact, where we promised not to kill ourselves while the other party is alive. I would get close and then think about how it would affect him and I'd find a way to keep going. But he's not around for me to let down anymore.

So I put a gun in my mouth a couple nights ago. But I remembered I promised several people that if it came down to drinking again or killing myself I'd give drinking a shot, even though I think I'd rather die. So I did neither and started taking antidepressants again. I'm really averse to it for a lot of reasons that I don't really feel like elaborating on, but it's probably a less bad idea than the alternatives.

I mentioned it already but I've been sort of doing triage with my vices -- indulging in the less volatile/critical stuff so I don't relapse in the serious stuff. Which basically just means being a hikikomori neet weeb again, instead of a homeless drunk.

Whisper of the Heart is a good movie. The Cat Returns is a good movie. Tomo-chan wa Onnanoko is a good manga. Tonight I'm going to watch the Tomo-chan anime and eat chinese food, and hopefully get in a good enough mood to lift. If anybody has recommendations for romcom slop manga in that vein, I'm looking.
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Update:

Bupropion is alright.

I definitely feel less, which is good and bad. I think the process of grieving is effectively on hold indefinitely, which is bad because grieving is good. But also I haven't shot myself, and it's easier to do stuff now. And I've started actually liking things for the first time in a long time. I've been playing music again, even some stuff in major keys for once, and said yes to some tentative plans with friends and family. I'm secretly still planning on killing myself eventually, but like ten years from now instead of ten days, and the list of things I'd like to do first has grown a little. Which is good enough.

I'm kind of blown away by how supportive some people have been following my dad's death. People I would never have expected it from. I'm reminded of the Nick Cave quote:
It took a devastation to teach me the preciousness of life and the essential goodness of people. It took a devastation to reveal the precariousness of the world, of its very soul, to understand that it was crying out for help. It took a devastation to understand the idea of mortal value, and it took a devastation to find hope.

Unlike cynicism, hopefulness is hard-earned, makes demands upon us, and can often feel like the most indefensible and lonely place on Earth. Hopefulness is not a neutral position either. It is adversarial. It is the warrior emotion that can lay waste to cynicism. Each redemptive or loving act, as small as you like, [...] keeps the devil down in the hole. It says the world and its inhabitants have value and are worth defending. It says the world is worth believing in. In time, we come to find that it is so.
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Been spending some time with some old friends and family, trying to nurture those relationships, trying not to withdraw and isolate. A friend of mine is going through a tough time and asked for advice, and I put him onto one of the books I never shut up about (Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker) and he read it in two days and said it changed his life, which is pretty much how I feel about it as well. So that sort of tore down a wall between us and we've been able to actually be there for each other in a way I never expected, which is nice. And another friend isn't able to be there in the same way but he's someone I share a lot of interests with, which is nice. And a couple others I've been able to help make positive changes, which is nice.

I've been working on cutting out the vices I allowed myself to indulge in to get through it, chiefly comfort eating right now. Last few weeks I was the heaviest I've ever been, but also the strongest I've ever been, which is an interesting feeling. Just finished my first extended fast since August, I'm hoping to do a 72 or 96 each week until Thanksgiving, maybe longer if it seems viable. Logging data and giving it time. I'm just about finished going through the SMART Recovery workbook and creating separate sections in my notebook for each vice, in order of severity of consequence, which I recommend to anyone trying to quit anything. I'm thankful I drew a hard line and didn't let myself relapse into alcoholism or womanizing. Honestly I'd recommend this strategy of mindful triage of vices as a way of getting through serious trials as well -- e.g. eating too much instead of drinking too much. I realized talking about it at a meeting that my drinking got so bad because I had cut out so many other things, so learning from that and intentionally doing the opposite has become something I'm proud of.

Might keep watching weeb shit for a while though, I watched the Bocchi The Rock recap movie and it looks better than I expected it to be. Speaking of, if anybody knows about a chinese cartoon that deals with actual music theory @ me. I had hoped there'd be some in Blue Giant. Kids on the Slope maybe? My Lai in April? Who knows.

My dad spent most of his life stuck in one rust belt shithole for complicated but legitimate reasons and didn't get to take a real vacation in twenty years, so I'm planning on taking his ashes to all the places he wanted to go, and the places I wanted to take him. Today in researching that, I looked up the route taken by Robert Pirsig in another book I never shut up about, Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance, and discovered that not only does it happen to run right past the mountain I climbed last year -- which is insane because the book features mountain climbing and is part of what put the idea in my head -- but the mountain he describes climbing in the book happens to be roughly eighty miles from the one I climbed, which has me pretty chuffed at the moment. Especially because I've been wanting to go back there and climb the mountain next to it, and this is a damn good excuse.

Life's funny sometimes.
 
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