How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Core Theorist]

I finally finished my first college semester. It's joever...

I'm pretty sure I made a B average overall.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

I’m gonna be dead honest, and rate me if you’d like, but I don’t think this sites good for me. At least not doomscrolling it.

Spoiler: Powerlevel

Seeing so many communities I’m in with so much drama has just been bumming me out and stressful. I don’t want to be associated with pedos and creeps, but it seems like everything just has pedos and creeps. I hate being ashamed to admit I like this or that because there’s a few bad eggs that I can’t stop hyperfocusing on.

I won’t stop using it entirely, but I think I need a break. A day, maybe a week? Where I just forget internet drama exists and I go out and enjoy my hobbies and communities, take some walks, apply for some jobs, visit some friends. I think that’d be healthy, I think. I’ve read the word “pedo” about 59 times this week and I think it’s really fucking with me, I dunno. I really do not like drama where kids are in danger and yet I keep doomscrolling it.

 

[WhoBusTank69]

I won’t stop using it entirely, but I think I need a break. A day, maybe a week?

Definitely take a break, most users do in order to avoid staring too deeply into the abyss. Take some time to enjoy yourself.

 

[Oldsacks_100]

Not great, wish I understood people better and generally just feel alienated by people. So many of the communities I was In have just been revealed to be shitbags. Also I’m unemployed and have little prospects to find work, I lost a lot of close friends earlier on this year and it’s been hitting me hard health wise. The one upside is the summer weather has been really nice and there was this one kind person online who attempted to try and help me out rekindle some relationships but other than that things have been a bit beak lately. I really pray to God they improve.

 

[Neighborhood Janny]

Not great, wish I understood people better and generally just feel alienated by people. So many of the communities I was In have just been revealed to be shitbags. Also I’m unemployed and have little prospects to find work, I lost a lot of close friends earlier on this year and it’s been hitting me hard health wise. The one upside is the summer weather has been really nice and there was this one kind person online who attempted to try and help me out rekindle some relationships but other than that things have been a bit beak lately. I really pray to God they improve.

I wish you peace my friend. It's better to acknowledge that there are things we can explain and others we can't. People are perhaps the hardest things to figure out and sometimes the best thing to do is just walk away. Positive vibes.

 

[Squanto Airi]

there was this one kind person online who attempted to try and help me out rekindle some relationships

That sounds like a good friend to have. Have you chatted with them recently? Maybe they can help bring your spirits up a bit more.

 

[Foxymophandlemama]

Got to see some friends and share a couple of beers and have fun. Today another friend texted me asking if we can hang out.
It makes me really really happy. As a kid who had no friends, I always wished for this.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I’m gonna be dead honest, and rate me if you’d like, but I don’t think this sites good for me. At least not doomscrolling it.

Spoiler: Powerlevel

Seeing so many communities I’m in with so much drama has just been bumming me out and stressful. I don’t want to be associated with pedos and creeps, but it seems like everything just has pedos and creeps. I hate being ashamed to admit I like this or that because there’s a few bad eggs that I can’t stop hyperfocusing on.

I won’t stop using it entirely, but I think I need a break. A day, maybe a week? Where I just forget internet drama exists and I go out and enjoy my hobbies and communities, take some walks, apply for some jobs, visit some friends. I think that’d be healthy, I think. I’ve read the word “pedo” about 59 times this week and I think it’s really fucking with me, I dunno. I really do not like drama where kids are in danger and yet I keep doomscrolling it.

Just do it. This website can be too much at times. I mean, it usually is.

 

[Mad_Dog]

My genocidal urges have come back

 

[Overly Serious]

I have once again been disappointed by these things called people. Just common decency is mainly what I am looking for. I also feel once again I have been bitten by not being part of the Correct Viewpoint tribe. If you don't make the correct political or cultural noises, there are people who will just drop you regardless of how you personally have behaved.

 

[Blue Flying Leaf]

Feeling normal on a nice day. Almost like I have all the time to myself.

 

[WASR96]

Pretty good. Still in some pain but I'm starting to get my appetite back and getting around the house better. In resident doc gave me her phone number during my checkup. Glad to know that, even at my weakest, I still got it .

 

[SteinserGate]

I'm going to power level to extreme lengths. I've attempted to try to not destroy my own OPSEC or flag myself.
Sorry Null. I like the anonymity this site sort of encompasses, while still holding a sense of familiarity.

I usually never really talk about my feelings in depth, so it's actually pretty hard for me to type this out.
Regardless, I'll spoiler it so you don't have to read if you don't want.

Spoiler: Sorry

I graduated this year. I feel like I do relatively well for myself. I've made a core group of friends, good relationship, and a STEM degree with honors.

Every job prospect I'd been hoping for exploded and went into flames for one reason or another.
The previous internship I had offered me a return offer on a hybrid schedule as I went to school, only to lay me off 3 months later due to a facility relocation.
I'd been offered to join the NUPOC programs, networked with a variety of people who were interested in me, and felt like I had a clear shot at life my junior year.
It's been 3 months since I graduated. I got radio silence and it seems every network I had dried up.
It's gotten to the point where professors/professions would network on my behalf with VPs. I email them, apply for the position, and never receive a reply back.
I get interviews with rejections. It sucks. It's not an issue of being not good enough for consideration anymore.
It's an issue of experienced people beating new grads for entry positions, a tale as old as time. I don't even really feel angry about it, just numb, sort of almost expected.
I thought I could just wait it out, give it some time, and keep applying. I felt that I had the patience to wait and chug through.

I don't have time anymore.
I learned a week ago my mother has cancer. She's relatively young for this sort of thing. The initial surgery is on the 11th.
It's apparently early stage, but I've heard you don't know until you actually go inside.
I sort of understand the severity of any form of cancer. Especially, if it begins to metastasize and spread to other tissues.
My savings from my internship/work are basically gone. I've had to more or less front money for my family for bills at times, but there's nothing for me to fall back on.
It had only started this year when they started to "borrow" from me, and it's now that I probably know the truth behind why.
I'm going into desperation mode. I'm starting to squeeze every connection dry for anything. I need money for the oncoming costs. I need to stockpile now.
My father is probably helping out financially, but he is pretty much gonna be emotionally vacant. He tends to run away from this sort of thing (family history, etc).
He pretty much had the hardest time putting our dog down when it had cancer as well, and I can't fault him for how he feels about this.
Talking about it seems to hurt him pretty hard. My mom tries to joke about it to try to help the overall feeling about the situation. I don't think it works for any of us.

I think I got a 23$/hr position more or less locked down though a connection, but it's about an hour and 15 away.
Do I actually just frag out my current vehicle, driving a round trip of nearly 150 miles per day? It sounds absolutely insane.
Or maybe just move into a super shitty apartment for temp, but leases are 12 months? Can't save nearly enough money doing this.
I've more or less done the math, and I sacrifice about 15$ per day on gas. Drops it down to 21.15$/hr.
Maybe some Fed/state jobs turn out and I can try to leverage some benefits from them. Doubtful.
I've even thought about going the military officer path just to shove my entire commission/pay towards her stuff.

I know how priceless real family/loved ones are, and I'm willing to sacrifice so much to try to keep it together.
It sounds terrible, but some of these options are basically taking my social life I've built here to the gallows.
I'm aware of the consequences that some of the more extreme paths will lead, and how they might impact my career.
Hell, sometimes I daydream of throwing a job application here to see if I can fetch anything useful (I'm not gonna do not do this, it is incredibly bad OPSEC, will get jihaded).

I feel sick every time I wake up, and the feeling just gets worse sitting here, jobless. It's like I'm fighting a losing war, no matter how many small victories I acquire for myself.
After the news, I went into a small depression where I went comatose for a day or so. I haven't told any of my friends about this. Only my SO.
It feels too personal/selfish to let people worry about me. There's a part of me that wishes I took things more seriously than I did.
If only I started applying during the school year or doing "xyz", I'd been ready for this. Instead, I feel completely fucked.
On some level, I blame myself for things ending up this way, even though it's illogical. I can't stop feeling almost guilty.
It's sort of paralyzing. There's times where I almost just start crying, talking to my mom.
I've tried to keep my morale up, but it's starting to actually slip. I don't know what to do.

 

[Blue Flying Leaf]

I thought I could just wait it out, give it some time, and keep applying.

Never stop applying, even when you have a job. Always have something to fall onto.

Do I actually just frag out my current vehicle, driving a round trip of nearly 150 miles per day? It sounds absolutely insane.

Yes. You can always get another vehicle. Or rent a small condo. It's your first job and you can find better ones later or make more connections. Starting out - sucks.

I sort of understand the severity of any form of cancer. Especially, if it begins to metastasize and spread to other tissues.

Even with the worst situation, you have at least a year of time before she's gone.

I've more or less done the math, and I sacrifice about 15$ per day on gas. Drops it down to 21.15$/hr.

It's not just gas. You'll be doing year's worth of maintenance every 2 months.
Long drives aren't that hard on the car (if road is ok).

I've even thought about going the military officer path just to shove my entire commission/pay towards her stuff.

Don't.

I know how priceless real family/loved ones are, and I'm willing to sacrifice so much to try to keep it together.

You can't have it all. At some point money is important and if you are in US, not having liquid cash and being sick is a death sentence.

It sounds terrible, but some of these options are basically taking my social life I've built here to the gallows.

Such is life.

Hell, sometimes I daydream of throwing a job application here to see if I can fetch anything useful (I'm not gonna do not do this, it is incredibly bad OPSEC, will get jihaded).

No idea what's going on in your part but it doesn't hurt to try. A job nearby is really easy compared to getting up at 5Am to arrive at job site at 7Am and so on. You just come home to sleep. I've done it. Not worthy.

It feels too personal/selfish to let people worry about me. There's a part of me that wishes I took things more seriously than I did.

You are overcompensating and clutching the straws. The end result will be the same if you took it seriously or not.

If only I started applying during the school year or doing "xyz", I'd been ready for this. Instead, I feel completely fucked.

Nah, it would be the same. Job hunting is more about luck nowdays.

I can't stop feeling almost guilty.

Survivor's guilt in a way

It's sort of paralyzing. There's times where I almost just start crying, talking to my mom.
I've tried to keep my morale up, but it's starting to actually slip. I don't know what to do.

It is like that.
You just suffer until it's over.
You imagine yourself, your actions can influence the outcome, you can't.
It is beyond your control.
Make the best of the time you have together. Take photos, videos and ask her to record her saying she loves you and is proud of you. It may seem silly, but in 10 years time, you'll forget her face, her voice and will be left just with a hole in your soul. Call her daily. Maybe record calls sneakily.
I would in your place, opt out for welfare aid so you can stay at home and keep things running. Hospice or similar really isn't that great and your parents will be to tired to eat properly.
Anyway, we both know situation is shit and beyond resolve. I can tell you, you are left with nothing when it ends.
DM me if you like some help

 

[WASR96]

It's apparently early stage, but I've heard you don't know until you actually go inside.

They can get a pretty good idea nowadays before cutting. They knew I was Stage 3C just from CT scans and an MRI. The unknown is reall stressful, but trust her Oncologist to come up with a plan depending on what they find.

I sort of understand the severity of any form of cancer. Especially, if it begins to metastasize and spread to other tissues.

It doesn't automatically mean the worst if it's metastatic. It's going to suck for her, but it's doable. Mine spread to my lungs, stomach, and the lymph nodes in my neck and it's all clear now on everything except my lungs which I'm just waiting on new scans for.

My mom tries to joke about it to try to help the overall feeling about the situation. I don't think it works for any of us.

It may be more for her sake. I've done the same thing since I got the news because I have no idea how else to react. My family was already a mess when I told them and I wanted to seem like I was in high spirits and optimistic, rather than feeding in more doom and gloom.

Do I actually just frag out my current vehicle, driving a round trip of nearly 150 miles per day? It sounds absolutely insane.

The driving gets really tiresome but it won't completely ruin your vehicle. I live an hour out from my workplace. I've put well over 50k miles on my car since working there, but no issues as long as you keep up with maintenance.

Maybe some Fed/state jobs turn out and I can try to leverage some benefits from them. Doubtful.
I've even thought about going the military officer path just to shove my entire commission/pay towards her stuff.

If there's Fed/State jobs nearby, definitely apply. They usually come with benefits and they're pretty secure as far as jobs go. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and are already under a lot of stress, OCS might not be a good environment for you, especially since you'd have minimal/no time to contact your parents. Not sure which STEM field you majored in, but if you're an engineer, don't expect to actually do any real engineer work in the military if you did commission. If worst comes to worst and you have to apply for a commission, immediately take your finance information to DEERS/DFAS after finishing training, if you can show that you're covering 50% or more of your parents expenses, they can start paperwork to make her your dependent. Dependents get medical benefits which could alleviate some of the financial burden. The process isn't quick at all though, so keep that in mind.

I can't stop feeling almost guilty.
It's sort of paralyzing. There's times where I almost just start crying, talking to my mom.
I've tried to keep my morale up, but it's starting to actually slip. I don't know what to do.

None of this is your fault. Cancer fucking sucks. Spend time with her, be there with your parents when you can. It's the small things that help a lot during these times. If she gets put on an inpatient chemo regiment, visiting whenever you get a chance and bringing food so she doesn't have to eat the garbage at the hospital helps a lot morale wise. Trust me on that. I hope something works out for you and I pray she caught it early enough that she can just enter surveillance after her surgery. My DMs are open if you ever need someone to just talk to/rant at.

 

[AnOminous]

Just ate a bunch of Blue Stilton after doing some yard work. For some reason, it has filled me with a sense of well-being.

 

[Spilled Spaghett]

My dog passed away a few ago and he was the best dog I ever had. Genuinely had nothing but love and there will never be another like him. I still have one more and dealing with the decision to let this be the last one, or keep the cycle of life and death going.

Life has been spiraling out of control for over a decade now, and the hardest realization will always be that I had the means but never the ability to improve my life. Literal skill issue. At this point I genuinely have no idea what to do with my life. I see the end of the line and I'm basically just waiting for the crash.

My last few friends want to play Battlefield when that comes out. That might be nice. Unless it sucks then at least we'll be disappointed together. It sucks being the only person who never got married and have kids because not only have they moved on without me, but I can't possibly relate to their lives anymore.

I don't know why I felt the need to share this. If this comes back to haunt me in the future then hello future me. You fucked up again.

 

[Soso]

My great uncle is beating himself up over my dad and admits he wishes he was the one dying instead of my dad. He has been in a severe depressive state, and is regretting everything. Been trying to comfort him and tell him it isn't his fault. But he still blames himself as if he's the reason why my dad is dying. All I can do is listen, his own father dying was traumatic enough for him.

 

[The News Crews]

Everything seems to only be getting worse

 

[BrettStevens]

In my limerence state.