Hey guys, how has everyone been?

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Passed checkoff #2, got glass back in my car window.

Still need to lint-roll my car, and I need to retake medcalc. Rounding differences are fun.
 
Today was a barrel of contained laughs. My coworker recently put "Sephiroth" on his work locker, which I just thought was a joke and also found surprising because I didn't think he was a Final Fantasy fan. A few days ago I sketched a pretty decent Sephiroth on this notepad I keep with me during a break and taped it to his locker, he likes it and keeps it there. Today I asked him if he liked it, and after some light conversation and FFVII jokes it went like this:

"So yeah, I just did that because you put Sephiroth there. Why'd you do that, anyway?"
'Dude, you didn't notice?' -motions towards nametag, says "Sephiroth"-
"You changed your nametag too?"
'Yeah, I'm getting my name changed to that. The paperwork's going through and it should be official any day now."

After we ended the conversation he left the break room and I just started laughing. Fuck I love where I work.
 
This is kinda personable but here it goes.

Well, today is my birthday and, as usual, I feel really shitty about it. I always thought it was a fear of me getting older and feeling like I haven't accomplished much. But today, I realized that there's another reason I hate it. It's because I've always hated myself (I know that sounds super emo and over dramatic). And I think it's because it has to do with the circumstance of my birth. That I was convinced from a loveless fling and my mom never even bothered to tell him that she was pregnant with me. When I was a kid and I would ask about my dad, my mom would get super awkward and when I was about 12, I thought I was conceived of rape. Turns out it wasn't the case but it caused so much anxiety and stress in me. So feeling like I came from something so pathetic and always felt like I had no business being born. I have no idea why my mom didn't abort me. Any woman with any sense would've. I know there are people out there born into more awful circumstances, but I always hated the fact that I got stuck with this situation. And at 18-24, when I should've branched out and become my own woman, I instead latched onto my family because I didn't trust anyone else and I thought they would have my back, dysfunction notwithstanding.

I live on my own now but I came back to spend my bday with my family. This night, they got into a little spat and I broke down in tears. I fucking hate it and this is why I moved. I love my family but at the same time, I don't like spending a lot of time with them and I'm angry at the choices (especially my mom) have made.
 
Went to the doctor today after I noticed I had to keep using the bathroom, and apparently I'm fighting a bladder infection. Fortunately I can start taking something for it today though.
 
Well, I just got my 20th positive rating, so today is the first time I've been able to access this section of the boards. That makes me happy. Earlier today I had a quiz in my intermediate French class that wasn't too hard, but I know I fucked up on some of my grammar. I've just switched that class to pass/no pass rather than letter grade because I'm really stressed about my GPA. Got an awesome lunch from food trucks. And tonight I have to tidy up because professionals are coming by tomorrow to help take care of the mold problem I've been having.
 
So far today is pretty chill. I been taking some college courses for a couple of weeks. So far, things are going decent. I'm seeing a guidance counselor on finding my career path, and I might be joining a gaming club since I don't really know a lot of people there. I also discovered writing in a journal, one of my courses require that I use that to write down how's my life going and such. Feels good writing that stuff down instead of keeping it all inside.
 
Doing okay. Just got back from work.

Yesterday was kinda interesting. I was feeling pretty down. Partially because I wasn't too keen on waking up early to go to work, but mostly due to a bunch of other stuff flowing through my mind.

Today though, this cute girl I work with was especially friendly with me. I think she noticed that I wasn't particularly happy and told me to smile. Later, she told me to "Smile at me every time I walk by you or I'll throw a rag at you." She got me to pinkie swear to do it.

So the rest of the day, every time I walked past her, we smiled at each other. At one point she said "I'm so proud of you!"

I asked "Why?"

She then said "I love it when you smile! It makes me happy!"

I was kinda surprised. It felt kinda good to hear her say that about me.

Later on, she came up to me and asked, "Do you like to smile?"

I answered "...Sometimes".

And then she asked, "You like to smile at me though right?"

I told her yes.

And she went "Good!"

I'm not really sure how to interpret all that. For all I know, she was simply trying to help cheer me up. But I can't help but wonder if there's something more based on those last two things she said.

Either way, it definitely improved my mood.
 
Don't know if it's just a cold or irritated throat due to my state being mostly on fire but fuck if I'm getting sick. I just chugged a cup hot hot yujacha (a Korean honey-yuzu marmalade drink) adulterated with cayenne and two smashed cloves of garlic. *yawn*
 
I guess I've been doing good, I've been going to college, haven't missed a day and just recently did good on my exams, getting an A on Psych and B- on Socio. My health is probably the best it's been after going on a diet and have been losing a lot of weight.

Even though I've been making a lot of good progress on these things, emotionally; for lack of a better word, I've been going through a really dark phase of my life. I've been thinking about a lot about life, society and my future and I've never been optimistic about any of it. I'm not going through a depression, but more I think of an important transition in my life.

I can't find the enthusiasm for things that I use to like to think about. I find politics and social issues to be completely and utterly meaningless, I use to be able to get mad about things like that, but now I'm completely apathetic to what happens now. I also lost a lot of interest for things like certain sciences, I can't care about new discoveries or how things in the world or universe work, I guess it's the sense of disenchantment it gives to the world and humanity, like "I now know how it works, now why should I care about it anymore?". Even the site it's self I'm sort of losing interest in, most of the stuff I read now just gives me a small chuckle and that's it, I also feel less completed to post anymore.

The only real thing that's really peaked my interests and I've had a lot of enthusiasm for has been philosophy (a lot of Nietzsche) and religion/spirituality, mostly the Abrahamic faiths, but Gnosticism specifically has been drawing my attention the most. I'm not a person trying to find God or Jesus, nor I'm I really doing it for some form of finding comfort and even with saying that I am not an Atheist. It's just studying the Bible and Nag Hammadi library and books by Nietzsche has been one of the few things that's gave me any sense of fulfillment recently.

I could go into a lot more details but I don't want to get to personal and power level and I know this site is never a good place to talk about issues like this. I guess all I wanted to do was vent. With all that in self retrospect I think it's stupid, that a person like me, who is in their very early twenties, an age where most people do nothing but drink and party, is reading about religion and the bible.
 
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Having an old bitty as a supervisor is the fucking worst. Her feelings got hurt because I asked someone other than her a work related question and I almost got wrote up over it. I just want to skip work tomorrow.
 
Just been focusing on school, honestly. Missed a week because I was sick and now try to catch up.

In general though, I feel really lonely. I have severe social anxiety but I have no idea how to treat it since I've had it for about a decade now. I'm 24 years old. I don't want to be like this anymore. But I don't know what to do.
 
I think I might be depressed. My anxiety is coming back and I've been feeling really sad for no reason whatsoever. Hell, I'm crying right now, and it's the hardest I've cried in a while. This morning I had no motivation to get up and just wanted to go back to sleep, even though I had a friend over. Yesterday I was mostly fine because I went to a renaissance fair, but when I'm not busy doing anything, I get like this. I hate how I don't know how to cope with it aside from lying down and resting. I'm taking medication but apparently it's not enough.

Maybe I'm anemic? It wouldn't hurt to get my blood drawn.
 
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I'm feeling much better now. My eyes had felt really heavy and dry yesterday so that made it a fucking pain to do what I needed to do for that day. I'm also much more motivated to continue my studying. I took a day off Friday and returned to doing it yesterday so I'm back on track again.
 
Keeping an eye on the lunar eclipse. Imagine what it must look like from the moon. A red ring where Earth is, and the ground all around you is dimly lit red.
 
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