Re: How Was Your Day?
I have been awake all night for the second day in a row. To be frank, I'm not exactly sure I should be so open with this information, but I believe I just want to get these emotions out somewhere as my social means are currently unavailable.
I think I might be a depressed misanthrope. Yes, I am usually very chipper and eloquent in speech, and my attitude is very friendly to anyone around me, but I fear that it might be a facade. I did read at a young age, 'one way to feel happiness is to fake it and eventually it will be learned', which I should say seems like a weird, faulty concept. I cannot exactly decipher whether or not it is an act that I've literally learned to live, or if it is just a recent thing, but what I do know is I have incredibly horrible trust issues, and that is one of the major factors in misanthropy(apparently). Events have happened in the past that have really damaged my ability to actually trust someone. Honestly, this is probably the longest I've ever been on a forum, and I am not even active here. My dance classes keep me at ease, but mostly due to the dance itself. The people do not really interest me, and I make conversation for the sake of...making conversation. I have 'friends', but I believe they are around out of either sheer sympathy, because all of my friends were like that through school. In regards to my 'physical' connections, my mother, father and my lover are the only ones who I can retain emotion for and I'm not sure if having connections debunks such a thing.
And lately, all I find myself thinking is 'I really wish I were not here', 'All I feel is contempt', 'This person is a complete fool'.
I'm actually...rather scared because of it. This apathy I feel seems to consume me. I find my judgment is usually rather accurate; every time I believe something about anyone, it turns out to be true. And because of that, I usually turn to the worst in humanity before I even bother to find any sort of light. With almost everyone I've ever met, it turned out to be true. Nia and Red are two who have spoken to me personally and surprised me, and I am very thankful for that. Because I don't want to sit here and have this automatic loathing for anyone. I'm frightened of being shunned due to an inability to connect with anyone. Perhaps it is just an extreme moment of depression, but I'm not sure.
As per usual, I apologize to any who bother to read this vent if this is not very coherent or lacking in detail. Absence of sleep is common for me and fear is one hell of a hurdle to pass over.
and cat shit.
it's fun!
