No theme park is complete without the seedy pool with the gunt wave machine
"Daddy! Daddy, I want to go to the wave pool!"
As your kid drags you by the hand towards the wave pool, you ask yourself why you ever promised to take him to Gunt World. The rides felt like they were held together with duct tape and the food was literally trash. You had to pay fifteen bucks just to reach into a hot trash can and pull a fucking cheeseburger out. But a promise is a promise and you hope the wave pool will tucker him out so you can drag his ass home. As you get closer to the pool, you notice something's gravely wrong. It's filled with people but the water's brown. Did everyone suddenly get the shits and not notice?
You try to pull your kid back. You hope that he's smart enough to not willingly jump into a giant sewer, but your hopes are dashed as he lets go of your hand and makes a mad dash towards the pool. You chase after him. As you run, you notice that the pool doesn't smell like a festering bog of shit, but rather like a crowded bar on steroids. You watch your kid jump in and you take off after him. But right as you get to the edge of the pool, a siren goes off. The swimmers cheer, with some of them slurring "It's wave time!"
At the far edge of the pool is a diving board easily forty feet tall. You notice for some reason it's much wider than your normal diving board and much thicker too. But before you can ask yourself why anyone would design a diving board like that, you see a rather large scissor lift pulling up to its base. It's here that you not only notice that there's no ladder leading up to the board, but there's a rather rotund man operating the controls. The lift carries him higher and higher until he steps off and onto the board. You see this seemingly reinforced diving board sag under his weight as he approaches the edge.
This rather rotund man takes off his t shirt and you're horrified to see his gunt. Years of horrible eating habits and excessive alcohol consumption have clearly taken their toll. His gunt hangs down almost past his knees but seeing how he carries himself, you'd almost think he was proud of the thing. He then shouts to the crowd "Good afternoon everyone! This is Ethan Ralph of the Killstream, how are y'all doing?"
The swimmers cheer in response but you remember you have to get your kid out of... whatever it is they're swimming in. You look for him but you don't find him until you hear him shout "Hurry up Dad! It's almost wave time!"
But before you can tell him to get his ass out of the pool, You hear Ralph shout "Who's ready for some waves, bitches?!"
The swimmers cheer in anticipation right as Ralph readies himself to take the plunge. Thinking quickly, you jump into the pool and swim as quickly as you can towards your kid. It's at this moment you realize what you're swimming in. It's a giant pool filled with Maker's Mark. You don't have time to wonder why someone would go through the time and expense of filling a swimming pool with booze. You just have to keep swimming towards your kid. You can only hope that Ralph grandstands a little. Maybe he can rile up the crowd by asking them to cheer louder or make some speech about how great he is.
But your worst fears come to pass as you hear the sound of a diving board springing upwards as if it'd just dropped a thousand pound weight. You see Ralph careening face first towards the pool with his mouth wide open. What follows is the sound that can only be made by a giant gunt breaking the surface tension of a liquid at terminal velocity. He seemingly disappears as a wall of brown liquid races towards you. The people closer to ground zero are lifted by the booze and their bodies turn into a giant wall of flesh ready to crush everyone in their path. You know that your survival is out of the question. But you hope somehow, some way, you can protect your only child from the humanity he has unwillingly subjected himself to.
The next thing you know, you wake up at the bottom of the pool. It's completely dry save for the sticky residue of liquor baking under the sun. You're alive. Somehow you made it. You see people coming to. Apparently that tsunami of bodies you saw hurdling towards you wasn't as lethal as you initially thought. But where's your son? You get up, finding yourself a little tipsy. But you still call out for him. Eventually you find him, alive and well. He's drunk as shit off the Maker's Mark. But he was able to survive by climbing onto a fat man and riding the wave on a fleshy raft. You breathe a sigh of relief. You're okay. But more importantly, he's okay. You take him and you tell him "We're getting the hell out of here."
As you leave, you turn back and wonder what happened to all the Maker's Mark. You get your answer when you see Ralph, still face down, drinking the entire contents of the pool. As he does, you see his gunt growing even larger. You turn away, shaking your head as you vow to never speak of Gunt World ever again.
