- The main attraction, a massive roller coaster called 'Boulder Mountain'.
Picture this. You're standing at the back of a line waiting to get on Boulder Mountain. You see a sign that says "Wait time 45 minutes" as you're baking under the blistering sun. But then you remember you bought a Pill Pass
which is essentially a photocopied prescription for a bottle of Xanax. So you cut to the front of the line where a guy in a polar bear costume is waiting to strap you in. As he does his job, he says "Hey there kids, it's me! Poley the Polar Bear! And I'm here to tell you a brand new word of the day. This word today is *safety*..."
The ride lurches forward and you find yourself in a dark tunnel. A spotlight illuminates an animatronic Mister Metokur, Zidan, Gator, and Ethan Ralph as they chastise Mundane Matt, who is noticeably shorter than Ralph and has to stand on a boulder to be eye level with everyone else. As they exit the tunnel, you hear Ralph drunkenly slur "Now wait a minute, MATT NO!"
You descend further into the tunnel where you see another animatronic display. This time it's Ralph standing on a giant pile of dead cancer patients from St. Jude's. Behind him is an LED sign that says "Welcome to the Healstream." Standing at the bottom of the pile are Metokur, Fuentes, Dick, and everyone else who attended the Healstream as they sing Ram Ranch. You notice in the background that a very Jewish looking Yoree Koh is hiding in a corner taking notes for the article that will eventually see Ralph banned from Youtube.
Suddenly the ride stops and you hear a familiar clicking noise as you feel your seat tilting backwards at a 55 degree angle. But before you leave the tunnel, you're treated to one last animatronic diorama. This time it shows Ralph and Andy Warski sitting in front of a computer as they edit child porn they found on the Internet. Every few seconds, you hear Ralph slurring "It's nawt troo! Gaydur it's nawt troo!"
Finally you leave the tunnel. As you do, you notice empty bottles of Maker's Mark sitting on the sides of the tracks. You notice that they weren't placed there to be aesthetically pleasing. Rather they look like they were placed there after someone drunk them and couldn't be arsed to find a trash can. Then you notice plants growing on either sides of the tracks. As your car ascends up the incline, you see that these plants are actually stalks of corn. Somewhere among the corn, you see Joshua Connor Moon wearing a straw hat and a t shirt that says "Broke Dick Farms" on it saying "I'm a gigantic pedophile and my dick doesn't work. So that's why we need to sacrifice Ralph to the corn so that the Gods will let me have an erection again."
Then your car reaches the top of the roller coaster. As you crest the peak, you see a giant white ass waiting for you below. Before you can say "I want off this ride," you hear the clicking stop. Then you feel gravity take its course. You plunge downwards as if you're sitting in a metal thumb ready to shoot up that pooper. You close your eyes expecting to be smashed to bits against the giant ass. But instead you glide effortlessly through. Your car suddenly decelerates as it splashes into a pool of Makers Mark. It is here you're treated to one last animatronic diorama of a fit and tall Ethan Ralph towering over Digibro, who has a big enough gunt for two fat asses. Ralph effortlessly kicks the shit out of Digibro as a smoking hot 10/10 Pantsu looks on in admiration.
As you wonder why you ever paid money to come to this theme park, your car stops in a gift shop where you can buy Makers Mark and Xanax as well as Broke Dick Farms t shirts. As you leave, the clerk grabs your attention buy asking you if you'd like a complementary photo of yourself riding Boulder Mountain. You say "Sure, why the hell not?" and she points you towards a miniature trash can on the counter. You reach in and pull out a cheeseburger wrapper with a picture printed on it. That picture perfectly captures the horror on your face as you felt yourself racing at 60 miles an hour towards Faith's third eye. You quickly stuff it in your pocket and walk away, questioning your faith in God for allowing such a place to exist.
