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- Dec 29, 2013
Pretty sure this thread is ready to be shuttered. Not sure why it keeps popping back up.
💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot
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- Feb 25, 2013
I guess because Glo-glo keeps getting her tits out.
M
MW 002
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kiwifarms.net
I thought up of a fun little challenge that would add more to the discussion of Gloria's book itself.
The challenge is to take any chapter from Maradonia and to make it actually coherent, but still sticking to the gist of what the chapter is supposed to be about. Since Maradonia is apparently supposed to be a Young Adult novel, we'll stick to that genre for simplicity's sake.
The challenge is to take any chapter from Maradonia and to make it actually coherent, but still sticking to the gist of what the chapter is supposed to be about. Since Maradonia is apparently supposed to be a Young Adult novel, we'll stick to that genre for simplicity's sake.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
I'm totally up for some editing/minor rewrites to show the World's Youngest Novelist how it should be done.
Do we have a PDF of the text that we can cut'n'paste from, or will we need to type everything in by hand?
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
I'm currently referencing the sporkings ATM, just so I have a vague idea of what's going on per chapter.
I think it'd be fun to do total rewrites of chapters- going as far as to adding things that would enhance the story. (For example, adding in a scene where the fairies get punished for letting Maya & crew escape from the illusionary fire)
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
Again ... I'd be up for this.
If' we're going to be tweaking the books, though, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get rid of the religious right/fundie subtext, and there's got to be a more subtle prophecy we can use than the "evil birds flying into the twin brothers" (or whatever that was) nonsense.
Maradontia
kiwifarms.net
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- Apr 25, 2016
I only have the audio recordings from this forum, but I'll try chapter 1.
New School
"Maya, Joey! You don't want to be late! Get up! It's your first day of school!" Maya Swanson's mom called from the kitchen. Maya got up at the sound of her mother's voice. She was excited because today was her first day at a new school, and she hoped to make some new friends. She was starting 10th grade, and her brother Joey was starting 9th.
Maya's family had moved to the city of Oceanside during summer vacation. Cardboard boxes from the move were still found lying all over the house. Her baby brother Benji paced around with great excitement while her mother was preparing breakfast. He used some of the empty boxes to create cardboard houses connected by long tunnels. The door to the porch was wide open. Flowers of every shape and color-from pastel blues and pinks to bright yellows and oranges-bloomed on the bushes in front of their house. Vines climbed the surrounding tree trunks as well as some of the beams that supported the small roof over the porch.
"Joey, there are some more boxes right by your room. Start unpacking them after school." her mother called out from the kitchen. "Yes mom, I will!" Joey said as he was jumping down the wooden stairs. He was his usual friendly and outgoing self. (This part is hard to rewrite because she worded it so awkwardly. I'm trying to show, not tell the audience what the characters are like. Also, Gloria says Joey is intelligent but also that school is challenging for him without explaining the discrepancy. I'm going to just remove the rest since it doesn't really belong here anyway.) Maya got along well with him even though he sometimes did things without thinking first, which had landed them in trouble a few times.
After Maya and Joey had finished their breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast, they left to walk to the school bus. (Might as well say what they ate since she built it up so much). Joey was out the door first, and Maya followed slowly behind. "Don't be shy, Maya! You're a beautiful girl, but you'll make more friends if you're more outgoing like your brother!" her mother said as she was leaving. (Cleaned up the awkward speech her mom gives) Maya looked at the beautiful flowers in front of the porch. "I know mom. I'll try my best." She forced a smile and kissed her mother goodbye. Then she ran to the curb to catch up to Joey just as the school bus arrived.
After a short ride, they reached Oceanside High. Maya and Joey entered the main office. The school attendant welcomed them. After signing some paperwork, he first brought Joey to his new class, then walked Maya into hers. Immediately, she was greeted by the teacher. All the students were already at their desks. Many were busy texting on their phones, not noticing the arrival of a new student until the teacher called out, "Class, today we have a new student. Please welcome Maya Swanson." "Hello." Maya smiled shyly, facing the class. "Please take one of the free seats in the back", the teacher suggested.
As Maya walked to the back of the class, the students watched her in silence. A dark haired girl sitting in the middle of the classroom suddenly stretched out her leg just as Maya passed by. Maya tripped over and fell hard, causing several of the students to explode in laughter. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." The dark haired girl said, stifling laughter. (Her dialog sounded corny) Maya looked up at the girl, but said nothing. The teacher didn't react and started her lesson as if nothing had happened. "Alright, settle down everyone. Let's continue our story about the Lewis and Clark expedition." (Should the teacher react and send the bully to the principal? Otherwise, she looks incompetent or corrupt.) Maya got up and sat in her desk as her cheeks burned red in embarrassment. She tried to concentrate on the teacher's lesson, but as she saw the other students looking at her and heard them giggling, she nervously diddled on her notebook until the class ended. (Cut out the stuff about Alana she couldn't possibly know yet, as well as the crap about discovering a new world.)
"Maya, Joey! You don't want to be late! Get up! It's your first day of school!" Maya Swanson's mom called from the kitchen. Maya got up at the sound of her mother's voice. She was excited because today was her first day at a new school, and she hoped to make some new friends. She was starting 10th grade, and her brother Joey was starting 9th.
Maya's family had moved to the city of Oceanside during summer vacation. Cardboard boxes from the move were still found lying all over the house. Her baby brother Benji paced around with great excitement while her mother was preparing breakfast. He used some of the empty boxes to create cardboard houses connected by long tunnels. The door to the porch was wide open. Flowers of every shape and color-from pastel blues and pinks to bright yellows and oranges-bloomed on the bushes in front of their house. Vines climbed the surrounding tree trunks as well as some of the beams that supported the small roof over the porch.
"Joey, there are some more boxes right by your room. Start unpacking them after school." her mother called out from the kitchen. "Yes mom, I will!" Joey said as he was jumping down the wooden stairs. He was his usual friendly and outgoing self. (This part is hard to rewrite because she worded it so awkwardly. I'm trying to show, not tell the audience what the characters are like. Also, Gloria says Joey is intelligent but also that school is challenging for him without explaining the discrepancy. I'm going to just remove the rest since it doesn't really belong here anyway.) Maya got along well with him even though he sometimes did things without thinking first, which had landed them in trouble a few times.
After Maya and Joey had finished their breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast, they left to walk to the school bus. (Might as well say what they ate since she built it up so much). Joey was out the door first, and Maya followed slowly behind. "Don't be shy, Maya! You're a beautiful girl, but you'll make more friends if you're more outgoing like your brother!" her mother said as she was leaving. (Cleaned up the awkward speech her mom gives) Maya looked at the beautiful flowers in front of the porch. "I know mom. I'll try my best." She forced a smile and kissed her mother goodbye. Then she ran to the curb to catch up to Joey just as the school bus arrived.
After a short ride, they reached Oceanside High. Maya and Joey entered the main office. The school attendant welcomed them. After signing some paperwork, he first brought Joey to his new class, then walked Maya into hers. Immediately, she was greeted by the teacher. All the students were already at their desks. Many were busy texting on their phones, not noticing the arrival of a new student until the teacher called out, "Class, today we have a new student. Please welcome Maya Swanson." "Hello." Maya smiled shyly, facing the class. "Please take one of the free seats in the back", the teacher suggested.
As Maya walked to the back of the class, the students watched her in silence. A dark haired girl sitting in the middle of the classroom suddenly stretched out her leg just as Maya passed by. Maya tripped over and fell hard, causing several of the students to explode in laughter. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." The dark haired girl said, stifling laughter. (Her dialog sounded corny) Maya looked up at the girl, but said nothing. The teacher didn't react and started her lesson as if nothing had happened. "Alright, settle down everyone. Let's continue our story about the Lewis and Clark expedition." (Should the teacher react and send the bully to the principal? Otherwise, she looks incompetent or corrupt.) Maya got up and sat in her desk as her cheeks burned red in embarrassment. She tried to concentrate on the teacher's lesson, but as she saw the other students looking at her and heard them giggling, she nervously diddled on her notebook until the class ended. (Cut out the stuff about Alana she couldn't possibly know yet, as well as the crap about discovering a new world.)
Last edited:
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
Took me two hours to whip this up
Rewrite of Chapter 23-24 (I’ve decided to combine the two chapters into one and I also took A LOT of artistic liberty with this chapter, just to make it a more interesting read- and I also changed some things around story wise because the inner writer in me was cringing from the Deus ex Machina)
By: Venus
Rewrite of Chapter 23-24 (I’ve decided to combine the two chapters into one and I also took A LOT of artistic liberty with this chapter, just to make it a more interesting read- and I also changed some things around story wise because the inner writer in me was cringing from the Deus ex Machina)
By: Venus
Food was the only thing on Maya’s mind as she and Joey trekked through the tedious, foggy forest. Three days have passed since they went through their third test and now they were aimlessly wandering around, hoping to come by some kind of clue as to what they were supposed to do next. Sagitta was unhelpful in giving them guidance, insisting to speak in riddles rather than plain English.
Any inspiration that Joey would’ve had for his next painting was vanishing with each passing hour that he was without food of any kind; he found himself day dreaming about their mother’s roast lamb shoulder with mint jelly and a side of zesty spring greens. He began to regret not cooking the snake he had killed earlier.
“Let’s rest here for a moment.” Maya plopped herself onto the ground and leaned against a tree. Joey nodded and joined her in the refuge of the tree’s shadowy embrace. He took of his knapsack and rummaged about in vain, hoping for at least an apple that didn’t rot away from the unforgiving heat.
“Not even a cookie left.” he frowned.
Sweat dripped down Maya’s face and crawled over her mouth, leaving an unpleasant salty taste when she licked her lips. Her jeans had become tattered in just a matter of a few days and her long blonde hair had become entangled with the odd twig she would find here and there when she would try brushing it with her fingers. Her legs were throbbing with no sign of relief.
She had tried reassuring herself that the villagers they had stumbled upon throughout this dead empire were worse off than her- a thought which only added to her dread. What if they were starving because of this barren land? With nothing else to reassure her with, tears poured down her face.
“What’s wrong?!” Joey looked over to his sister. “I… I’m sorry; I don’t have anything in my bag!” His words did nothing to ease her distress.
In a fit of sudden despair, Maya wailed out. “I’m sick of these stupid tests! Why couldn’t we have just stayed at home and just enjoy a simple long weekend?! I feel really gross from not showering for over a week… oh why did we have to go into that stupid cave?!”
“And to think we’re here just because I thought we’d find treasure…” Joey said, defeated. His words still did nothing to ease Maya’s sobbing. “I’m really sorry Maya!”
Maya wiped her tears with her arm and sniffed. “It’s okay Joey…”
A faint smell of fire enticed both of them into standing up. “Maybe there’s food over by the fire?” Joey wasn’t aware of how slurred his speech had become, but it made enough sense for Maya to follow through with his suggestion.
The forest was a giant maze, with only shrivelled up leaves to provide any kind of blockage from the overbearing sun. “Do you hear that flute?” Joey said as he sprinted in between the trees, with Maya barely keeping up.
A flute’s jolly tune echoed through the forest. With only the tune to act as a guide, the two finally had regained their hope as they were also able to pick up the sweet unmistakable smell of a roasting bird.
Brilliant red and golden skirts danced in the distance around the shimmering flames of their campfire. Joey had found himself enchanted by the graceful movements of the women while Maya found herself becoming increasingly jealous of their flawless features.
The woman with waist length scarlet hair had waved her hand out to them and gave an inviting smile. “Come children; let us celebrate the return of our prince!” They both hesitated for a moment. “Don’t worry there will be more than enough food for all of us!” she handed Maya a single flower which emitted a sweet scent.
Another woman, with obsidian hair tied in a long braid, guided their guests to a log for them to sit down on. “Our Highness makes us proud to be a part of his nation! His last victory at the Battle of Gorgornia” she resumed dancing with her sisters. Velvet skirts spun round and round in a ritualistic manner.
Maya had not a care in the world as the juices from the pheasant’s wings dripped onto her clothes with every bite she took. “Oh, was the prince defending the kingdom?” Joey asked as he slowly nibbled away at his drumstick.
Laughter filled the atmosphere as the ladies stopped dancing in unison. “You could say that Prince Abaddon is actually uniting the neighbouring kingdoms together… it’s a beautiful concept, isn’t it? Once we’re all united then there won’t be anymore casualties of pointless wars.” The redheaded woman said as she held her hand out towards Joey, inviting him to dance with her. “Prince Abaddon will free us all of the burdens placed upon us by the Light King.”
In the corner of Maya’s gaze stood a humble wooden wagon, with six unicorns harnessed and standing still in front of it. While the women were distracted Maya had snuck away to get a closer look at the mystical beasts. The stories which Maya had read growing up often depicted unicorns as untameable, majestic stallions that would only be tamed by a maiden. Yet, Maya was disappointed with how sickly these unicorns looked.
They were thin and hung their heads down low. Black liquid was halfway down their bony faces, coming from eyes which were completely devoid of any life or spirit. Out of curiosity Maya then ran her hand across one of the unicorn’s neck and whispered, “What happened to you?”
The unicorn could only telepathically communicate to her with, “we cannot say…”
Maya shuddered as she realized how cold their ragged coats felt upon touching them; they felt as cold as death does. It was then as if by magic, Libertine the dove had flown down and was perched on Maya’s shoulder.
“Libertine, what can I do to help these unicorns?!” Maya asked while frantically trying to undo the harness.
The dove shook her head in response. “I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do for them in this state… they will soon give into their despair and become nightmares.”
Maya’s face had become pale as she stared at the unicorn’s black horn. “N...nightmares… Oh please, you can’t give into the despair you must fight it!” Maya tugged on the harnesses, only to be stopped by a gentle nudge on her forearm from the unicorn’s muzzle.
“King Apollyon has been doing this to unicorns for years now because nightmares are reliable war mounts.” Libertine’s matter of fact tone had only frustrated Maya further. “Even if you were to set them free now, there still would be nothing you can do to reverse it.”
Joey suddenly let out a screech, causing Maya to look behind her to see three cloaked decrepit women. “Let me go!” he thrashed about while one of them held him in a headlock.
“You do realize how rude it is to not introduce yourself before taking someone else’s food?” Maya then began to feel dizzy and hung onto the unicorn’s harness before she could let herself fall the ground while fighting the urge to vomit in front of others.
She still tried to muster enough strength to speak. “Who are you then?”
The women began laughing maniacally before there was an answer. “I am Gertrude, leader of Apollyon’s finest sorcerers. You will both grovel before me like the worms you are for meddling with the Shadow Kingdom.”
Maya then allowed herself to get onto her knees as soon as she felt all of her stomach contents surface. To her horror, she could see white worms writhing in her vomit and try to approach her hands that she ended up quickly pulling away.
“I see that you enjoyed the meal we went through all the trouble preparing for you two. Don’t worry; we’ll make your death a quick one for we are merciful beings.” Gertrude said as she approached Maya and grabbed her from under her chin. Maya winced as Gertrude’s fingers squeezed her cheeks.
Joey then yanked himself out of the headlock and proceeded to rush towards Gertrude after pulling out his pocket knife. “Leave her alone!” He shouted.
Gertrude had no time to react to the blade slashing across her face. A second later, Maya was freed from Gertrude’s grasp and ran over to embrace Joey with tears in her eyes. “Thank you Joey!” she whimpered.
“You insolent, rotten child- you’ve ruined my face!” Gertrude let out a battle cry and raised both of her arms into the air. “I shall execute you both right here!” Flames suddenly surround the confused siblings and were spitting small embers their way.
Maya screamed as the searing flames were closing in on them while Joey began to cry.
Gertrude stood by the fiery pillar and laughed. “Well that takes care of that. Prince Abaddon will be pleased to hear about this.” Her smug smirk vanished when the unicorns began to approach the fire. “What do you miserable beasts think you are doing? Go back to your position.”
The unicorns chose to ignore Gertrude and focused their attention towards the flames.
“Maya, do you hear my voice? Don’t worry, Gertrude cannot hear us if we communicate this way.”
“How did you know my name?” Maya replied, hugging Joey even tighter.
“That is not important. Listen, the six of us are going to use the last of our magic to make the flames illusionary so that you may escape without Gertrude noticing it.”
Joey was perplexed by Maya’s screams suddenly ceasing. “But, wouldn’t you die from that?” Maya asked.
“That is of no concern to you. If you are the prophesised children, please free our brothers and sisters from the grasps of the Shadow Kingdom… we have suffered far too long under their reign.”
Maya’s entire body was trembling. “How can we do that, though? We’re just high school students who can barely care for ourselves!”
“You will find a way, I promise. So please, when you see our horns glow, go through the flames. Not a single ember will touch you when you do.”
In a matter of moments, there was a brilliant violet light which blinded anyone outside of the pillar and shone through the flames. Maya helped Joey upwards and then turned towards the flames. “It is safe now…” the voice trailed off. Gertrude shrieked and covered her eyes.
She put her hand through the flames and felt a cold wind brewing in the wind. “Maya, what do you think you’re doing?!” instead of letting Joey interrogate her on the matter, she pulled on his arms and dashed out of the flames. They both ran towards the bushes and found themselves being concealed by the forest’s darkness.
Joey didn’t care to hear any explanation for what had just happened, and instead deduced that the flames must have been illusionary this entire time. The light faded away with each passing second until it ceased shining altogether. Maya had been far too focused on running to even notice that the light was gone.
Gertrude stomped her foot angrily as the unicorns fell to the ground after drawing their last breaths. “What was that all about?” she shouted as she grabbed at one of the unicorn’s mane. The flames disappeared with her attention averted towards the unicorns. “I guess you stupid animals were looking to die.” Her stomach sank when she looked back at the remains of the flames as it had no evidence of either of her victims being there.
The other two sorceresses approached Gertrude as they too soon realized that the teenagers had escaped. “Why didn’t you try to stop them from running away?!” she yelled.
“Lady Gertrude, I apologize but may I point out that we were blinded by the light emitted from the unicorns as well?”
“You two had better hope that King Apollyon doesn’t hear of this or…!” Gertrude’s ranting had been cut off by a sudden cold air breezing past her. The campfire had ceased.
“Or what..?” Silence had befallen the trio as a horse and rider approached them. The man looked no older than eighteen no matter how stern his expression was. He was dressed in a suit of ebon armour and had a red cape that fell to just below his elbows. His crimson eyes pierced Gertrude’s soul as he stared with contempt.
“Prince Abaddon, what a pleasant surprise!” Gertrude’s voice cracked. Abaddon flung his long black braid over his shoulder and allowed it hang well past his back.
Abaddon’s mount appeared to be mimicking his rider’s critical glances, even though its head was of a unicorn’s skull with bright red orbs flickering from inside the eye sockets. The stallion was covered in metal plating, concealing the majority of his blood bay coat.
“I understand that you allowed the children from the other realm to escape from your grasp?” Abaddon said as he loosened the reins.
Gertrude approached his mount. “My… what a lovely Nightmare you have there Abaddon.” She said, desperate to change the subject.”
Abaddon dismounted while holding on the reins. “You don’t get to change the subject.”
“Your Highness, please show mercy! The unicorns used their magic to dispel my flames and allowed the children to escape- it is not my fault!” Her words trailed off onto empty ears. Abaddon then let go of the reins suddenly.
“You don’t deserve to die by my hand…” He said as he allowed his Nightmare to lunge towards Gertrude’s throat. The other two women were getting ready to flee before they were spotted by Abaddon.
“Sire, please…!” they cried while grabbing Abaddon’s cape. “We won’t fail you again, it’s a promise!”
Abaddon then glanced over at his mount and held out his hand while it trotted towards him, with its face stained by blood. He put his foot in the stirrup of the saddle and pulled himself back onto the Nightmare, eyeing the women.
“Let this be a warning to never fail me again.” He gave the Nightmare a sharp kick to the side and rode off.
Any inspiration that Joey would’ve had for his next painting was vanishing with each passing hour that he was without food of any kind; he found himself day dreaming about their mother’s roast lamb shoulder with mint jelly and a side of zesty spring greens. He began to regret not cooking the snake he had killed earlier.
“Let’s rest here for a moment.” Maya plopped herself onto the ground and leaned against a tree. Joey nodded and joined her in the refuge of the tree’s shadowy embrace. He took of his knapsack and rummaged about in vain, hoping for at least an apple that didn’t rot away from the unforgiving heat.
“Not even a cookie left.” he frowned.
Sweat dripped down Maya’s face and crawled over her mouth, leaving an unpleasant salty taste when she licked her lips. Her jeans had become tattered in just a matter of a few days and her long blonde hair had become entangled with the odd twig she would find here and there when she would try brushing it with her fingers. Her legs were throbbing with no sign of relief.
She had tried reassuring herself that the villagers they had stumbled upon throughout this dead empire were worse off than her- a thought which only added to her dread. What if they were starving because of this barren land? With nothing else to reassure her with, tears poured down her face.
“What’s wrong?!” Joey looked over to his sister. “I… I’m sorry; I don’t have anything in my bag!” His words did nothing to ease her distress.
In a fit of sudden despair, Maya wailed out. “I’m sick of these stupid tests! Why couldn’t we have just stayed at home and just enjoy a simple long weekend?! I feel really gross from not showering for over a week… oh why did we have to go into that stupid cave?!”
“And to think we’re here just because I thought we’d find treasure…” Joey said, defeated. His words still did nothing to ease Maya’s sobbing. “I’m really sorry Maya!”
Maya wiped her tears with her arm and sniffed. “It’s okay Joey…”
A faint smell of fire enticed both of them into standing up. “Maybe there’s food over by the fire?” Joey wasn’t aware of how slurred his speech had become, but it made enough sense for Maya to follow through with his suggestion.
The forest was a giant maze, with only shrivelled up leaves to provide any kind of blockage from the overbearing sun. “Do you hear that flute?” Joey said as he sprinted in between the trees, with Maya barely keeping up.
A flute’s jolly tune echoed through the forest. With only the tune to act as a guide, the two finally had regained their hope as they were also able to pick up the sweet unmistakable smell of a roasting bird.
Brilliant red and golden skirts danced in the distance around the shimmering flames of their campfire. Joey had found himself enchanted by the graceful movements of the women while Maya found herself becoming increasingly jealous of their flawless features.
The woman with waist length scarlet hair had waved her hand out to them and gave an inviting smile. “Come children; let us celebrate the return of our prince!” They both hesitated for a moment. “Don’t worry there will be more than enough food for all of us!” she handed Maya a single flower which emitted a sweet scent.
Another woman, with obsidian hair tied in a long braid, guided their guests to a log for them to sit down on. “Our Highness makes us proud to be a part of his nation! His last victory at the Battle of Gorgornia” she resumed dancing with her sisters. Velvet skirts spun round and round in a ritualistic manner.
Maya had not a care in the world as the juices from the pheasant’s wings dripped onto her clothes with every bite she took. “Oh, was the prince defending the kingdom?” Joey asked as he slowly nibbled away at his drumstick.
Laughter filled the atmosphere as the ladies stopped dancing in unison. “You could say that Prince Abaddon is actually uniting the neighbouring kingdoms together… it’s a beautiful concept, isn’t it? Once we’re all united then there won’t be anymore casualties of pointless wars.” The redheaded woman said as she held her hand out towards Joey, inviting him to dance with her. “Prince Abaddon will free us all of the burdens placed upon us by the Light King.”
In the corner of Maya’s gaze stood a humble wooden wagon, with six unicorns harnessed and standing still in front of it. While the women were distracted Maya had snuck away to get a closer look at the mystical beasts. The stories which Maya had read growing up often depicted unicorns as untameable, majestic stallions that would only be tamed by a maiden. Yet, Maya was disappointed with how sickly these unicorns looked.
They were thin and hung their heads down low. Black liquid was halfway down their bony faces, coming from eyes which were completely devoid of any life or spirit. Out of curiosity Maya then ran her hand across one of the unicorn’s neck and whispered, “What happened to you?”
The unicorn could only telepathically communicate to her with, “we cannot say…”
Maya shuddered as she realized how cold their ragged coats felt upon touching them; they felt as cold as death does. It was then as if by magic, Libertine the dove had flown down and was perched on Maya’s shoulder.
“Libertine, what can I do to help these unicorns?!” Maya asked while frantically trying to undo the harness.
The dove shook her head in response. “I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do for them in this state… they will soon give into their despair and become nightmares.”
Maya’s face had become pale as she stared at the unicorn’s black horn. “N...nightmares… Oh please, you can’t give into the despair you must fight it!” Maya tugged on the harnesses, only to be stopped by a gentle nudge on her forearm from the unicorn’s muzzle.
“King Apollyon has been doing this to unicorns for years now because nightmares are reliable war mounts.” Libertine’s matter of fact tone had only frustrated Maya further. “Even if you were to set them free now, there still would be nothing you can do to reverse it.”
Joey suddenly let out a screech, causing Maya to look behind her to see three cloaked decrepit women. “Let me go!” he thrashed about while one of them held him in a headlock.
“You do realize how rude it is to not introduce yourself before taking someone else’s food?” Maya then began to feel dizzy and hung onto the unicorn’s harness before she could let herself fall the ground while fighting the urge to vomit in front of others.
She still tried to muster enough strength to speak. “Who are you then?”
The women began laughing maniacally before there was an answer. “I am Gertrude, leader of Apollyon’s finest sorcerers. You will both grovel before me like the worms you are for meddling with the Shadow Kingdom.”
Maya then allowed herself to get onto her knees as soon as she felt all of her stomach contents surface. To her horror, she could see white worms writhing in her vomit and try to approach her hands that she ended up quickly pulling away.
“I see that you enjoyed the meal we went through all the trouble preparing for you two. Don’t worry; we’ll make your death a quick one for we are merciful beings.” Gertrude said as she approached Maya and grabbed her from under her chin. Maya winced as Gertrude’s fingers squeezed her cheeks.
Joey then yanked himself out of the headlock and proceeded to rush towards Gertrude after pulling out his pocket knife. “Leave her alone!” He shouted.
Gertrude had no time to react to the blade slashing across her face. A second later, Maya was freed from Gertrude’s grasp and ran over to embrace Joey with tears in her eyes. “Thank you Joey!” she whimpered.
“You insolent, rotten child- you’ve ruined my face!” Gertrude let out a battle cry and raised both of her arms into the air. “I shall execute you both right here!” Flames suddenly surround the confused siblings and were spitting small embers their way.
Maya screamed as the searing flames were closing in on them while Joey began to cry.
Gertrude stood by the fiery pillar and laughed. “Well that takes care of that. Prince Abaddon will be pleased to hear about this.” Her smug smirk vanished when the unicorns began to approach the fire. “What do you miserable beasts think you are doing? Go back to your position.”
The unicorns chose to ignore Gertrude and focused their attention towards the flames.
“Maya, do you hear my voice? Don’t worry, Gertrude cannot hear us if we communicate this way.”
“How did you know my name?” Maya replied, hugging Joey even tighter.
“That is not important. Listen, the six of us are going to use the last of our magic to make the flames illusionary so that you may escape without Gertrude noticing it.”
Joey was perplexed by Maya’s screams suddenly ceasing. “But, wouldn’t you die from that?” Maya asked.
“That is of no concern to you. If you are the prophesised children, please free our brothers and sisters from the grasps of the Shadow Kingdom… we have suffered far too long under their reign.”
Maya’s entire body was trembling. “How can we do that, though? We’re just high school students who can barely care for ourselves!”
“You will find a way, I promise. So please, when you see our horns glow, go through the flames. Not a single ember will touch you when you do.”
In a matter of moments, there was a brilliant violet light which blinded anyone outside of the pillar and shone through the flames. Maya helped Joey upwards and then turned towards the flames. “It is safe now…” the voice trailed off. Gertrude shrieked and covered her eyes.
She put her hand through the flames and felt a cold wind brewing in the wind. “Maya, what do you think you’re doing?!” instead of letting Joey interrogate her on the matter, she pulled on his arms and dashed out of the flames. They both ran towards the bushes and found themselves being concealed by the forest’s darkness.
Joey didn’t care to hear any explanation for what had just happened, and instead deduced that the flames must have been illusionary this entire time. The light faded away with each passing second until it ceased shining altogether. Maya had been far too focused on running to even notice that the light was gone.
Gertrude stomped her foot angrily as the unicorns fell to the ground after drawing their last breaths. “What was that all about?” she shouted as she grabbed at one of the unicorn’s mane. The flames disappeared with her attention averted towards the unicorns. “I guess you stupid animals were looking to die.” Her stomach sank when she looked back at the remains of the flames as it had no evidence of either of her victims being there.
The other two sorceresses approached Gertrude as they too soon realized that the teenagers had escaped. “Why didn’t you try to stop them from running away?!” she yelled.
“Lady Gertrude, I apologize but may I point out that we were blinded by the light emitted from the unicorns as well?”
“You two had better hope that King Apollyon doesn’t hear of this or…!” Gertrude’s ranting had been cut off by a sudden cold air breezing past her. The campfire had ceased.
“Or what..?” Silence had befallen the trio as a horse and rider approached them. The man looked no older than eighteen no matter how stern his expression was. He was dressed in a suit of ebon armour and had a red cape that fell to just below his elbows. His crimson eyes pierced Gertrude’s soul as he stared with contempt.
“Prince Abaddon, what a pleasant surprise!” Gertrude’s voice cracked. Abaddon flung his long black braid over his shoulder and allowed it hang well past his back.
Abaddon’s mount appeared to be mimicking his rider’s critical glances, even though its head was of a unicorn’s skull with bright red orbs flickering from inside the eye sockets. The stallion was covered in metal plating, concealing the majority of his blood bay coat.
“I understand that you allowed the children from the other realm to escape from your grasp?” Abaddon said as he loosened the reins.
Gertrude approached his mount. “My… what a lovely Nightmare you have there Abaddon.” She said, desperate to change the subject.”
Abaddon dismounted while holding on the reins. “You don’t get to change the subject.”
“Your Highness, please show mercy! The unicorns used their magic to dispel my flames and allowed the children to escape- it is not my fault!” Her words trailed off onto empty ears. Abaddon then let go of the reins suddenly.
“You don’t deserve to die by my hand…” He said as he allowed his Nightmare to lunge towards Gertrude’s throat. The other two women were getting ready to flee before they were spotted by Abaddon.
“Sire, please…!” they cried while grabbing Abaddon’s cape. “We won’t fail you again, it’s a promise!”
Abaddon then glanced over at his mount and held out his hand while it trotted towards him, with its face stained by blood. He put his foot in the stirrup of the saddle and pulled himself back onto the Nightmare, eyeing the women.
“Let this be a warning to never fail me again.” He gave the Nightmare a sharp kick to the side and rode off.
Maradontia
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2016
Very nice, but the villains still seem a bit dumb. Why didn't they make the poison lethal or at least incapacitating? Why did they let themselves be vulnerable? Why can't they track the children after they escape? I'd suggest a few fixes.
The unicorn spell also neutralizes the poison in Maya and Joey.
When Joey attacks the sorceress she either vanishes, or the knife passes through her like an illusion, or her wound immediately closes up.
Some other shenanigans give the children enough of a head start that they can't be easily tracked.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
Dibs on Chapter 2!
Give me a day or two and I'll rewrite "School Fight". Since Maya has a black belt in karate, I might try to give it more of a Hong Kong action-y feel...
Give me a day or two and I'll rewrite "School Fight". Since Maya has a black belt in karate, I might try to give it more of a Hong Kong action-y feel...
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
@Maradontia sounds good, I'll keep that in mind. I was trying to keep the villains a little bit silly ala in typical Tesch style, but I can make those changes. Just give me a couple of days and I'll get to work on the second draft.
Edit: I'm also calling dibs on the chapter where Apollyon crowns Abaddon as the new ruler of the Shadow Empire and Pluton just has a huge fucking temper tantrum about it. That chapter provided me with a shit ton of giggles that I want to still capture the silliness of that entire scene.
Edit: I'm also calling dibs on the chapter where Apollyon crowns Abaddon as the new ruler of the Shadow Empire and Pluton just has a huge fucking temper tantrum about it. That chapter provided me with a shit ton of giggles that I want to still capture the silliness of that entire scene.
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Maradontia
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2016
Why not the more realistic "teenager who got a black belt from a mall dojo" fight scene?
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
Have fun with that one but, going forward, I think we should try to do the chapters in more or less chronological order because, if we introduce new characters or plot lines, we need to have some sort of continuity.
I'm not going to write schtick or have people doing backflips or thousand-palm strikes or anything like that; I just want to write something a bit more kinetic than "Maya hit <girl>. <Girl> fell down."
But, yeah, Maya totally went to a mall dojo. Unless I get another burst of inspiration, her sifu is going to be Sum Yung Gai.
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
I agree, it would be best to do it that way. Perhaps we should all start a private PM conversation so we can navigate this rewrite?
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
Good idea!
Let's just give it another day or so to see if we get any more volunteers/victims. So far, we have @Venus and @Maradontia and @Muscle Bra
Anyone else up for some literary fun?
Let's just give it another day or so to see if we get any more volunteers/victims. So far, we have @Venus and @Maradontia and @Muscle Bra
Anyone else up for some literary fun?
Maradontia
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2016
1) I'm going to have to go buy another 1.75 liter bottle of rum for $30.
2) I only have recordings up to chapter 22.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2015
I'm not much of a rum drinker but you can't go wrong with this one...
https://us.captainmorgan.com/rum-drink/private-stock-rum/
https://us.captainmorgan.com/rum-drink/private-stock-rum/
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
I suppose we can use the Sporkings available online to get a glimpse into what each chapter is about post 22- and just go from there.
In chapter seventy seven (?) there's one point where Abaddon orders some gambler's execution and then the executioner says this:
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2013
I'd offer, but I have no desire to re-read the first book, to be brutally honest. The content is so dire that making it into something coherent and interesting will demand total rewrites and actual creativity. Some chapters are only a few pages long while others drag forever.
I wish people would do Dragon Riders, though. That to me was the most hilarious book, partially because of Maya becoming Eragon + Aragorn in the span of, like, 5 days and then committing mass murder using her newfound skills rather than, you know, holding a trial for the traitors. It has the most action of the books, imo.
If you guys ever do Dragon Riders I'd be willing to pitch in. Good luck everyone - you're going to need it (along with copious amounts of alcohol).
I wish people would do Dragon Riders, though. That to me was the most hilarious book, partially because of Maya becoming Eragon + Aragorn in the span of, like, 5 days and then committing mass murder using her newfound skills rather than, you know, holding a trial for the traitors. It has the most action of the books, imo.
If you guys ever do Dragon Riders I'd be willing to pitch in. Good luck everyone - you're going to need it (along with copious amounts of alcohol).
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
I'd be willing to do Dragon Riders after this. The second and third book somehow managed to surpass the stupidity of the first book... and this was only me reading it second hand through sporkings.