💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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Lavender Moth said:
This is my bad for the way I wrote my post, but by "calling their mom" I meant calling on the phone lol. :lol:

HOWEVER, I am currently on chapter 19, and since that first chapter, neither of the parents have been mentioned in any important capacity. Not by the kids, not by Gordon, not by anyone. You would at least think they would have gotten in contact with Gordon after he was pulled from the sea alive. At this point, they may as well not even exist given how little the kids spend time thinking of them.

In chapter 18, this is also the first time we see the adults who do have important roles express any real concern over the missing kids. It's a pretty hilarious chapter and I'll definitely give my deeper thoughts on it once I write up my batch of synopsis & commentary on chapters 11 through 20. Let's just say the story gets batty af lol.
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Sounds like she's still orphaning plots/subplots/characters. Gloria would benefit from creating a chart and/or story outline and try following it like a grocery list.
I mean, it would still be stunted and unintentionally hilarious, but it might help her organization and prioritization skills. Or not.
 
Constellationzero said:
Gloria would benefit from creating a chart and/or story outline and try following it like a grocery list.
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I have been thinking this exact same thing the entire time lol. Making an outline post-completion of the first draft is a legitimate developmental editing technique that does wonders for works created by writers who "pants" or "garden" their novels (aka write it on the fly). Hey, Gloria, if you're lurking...take some notes. :P

And now back to our adventure. Gird your loins, it's about to get fucking weird.

Maya and Joey continue North towards the lagoon. They come across a sprawling field of massive sunflowers each the size of a tall building. The forest is super dense and the manner in which they proceed upon this revelation is something I do not understand the logistics of, but I love the cartoonish imagery:

He plodded forward, Maya a few steps behind him. Their path was so narrow, she couldn't stand next to him.

Joey turned to look at his sister. "I can't see or hear the river anymore, can you?"

Maya shook her head. "Good thing we have the compass."

Joey nodded. "Yeah, follow me."

He got down on all fours and started crawling forward.



.....
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The book then claims that there is "more space for them to pass down low" except it's repeatedly described how the terrain is difficult because of the density of the forest and the thickness of the flower-tree trunks. The trunks are wider at the base, narrower at the top. How is going full feral going to help here???

After two seconds of horse girl LARPing on all fours, Maya's backpack snags on a branch. In the time it takes her to unhook it, somehow she has lost sight of Joey, despite the fact that he's crawling around like an animal and, thus, shouldn't exactly be moving like he's Sonic the fucking Hedgehog. Somehow, this leads to her finding her way out of the sunflower field without him. She concludes he must have made it through before her and kept going (???) so she heads off into the hills.

Meanwhile, Joey is in fact NOT in the hills and has wandered into a bamboo grove that's even denser and bigger than the sunflowers. He has now realized Maya is missing. He takes a moment to console himself with more fortune cookie proverbs:

"I'm positive that no good comes from concentrating on the negative." A smile pulled at his lips. That quote always made Joey feel better.
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The imagery my mind conjured of him smiling dumbly at that quote while alone and lost in the woods made me laugh harder than it had any right to.

He then decides to backtrack towards the river to better orientate himself and to hopefully find Maya.
Gordon and his dad reunite as they prepare for the expedition to the island. We establish that Gordon has the hots for Ilona. That's it. That's the chapter.

It should be mentioned, however, they are going to the island to find the Maradonia portal, NOT to rescue the (still presumed missing and/or deceased) children.
Buckle up, friends, this is my favorite chapter so far, because it's absolutely batshit insane.

Maya wanders the hills bemoaning the fact that she is still alone. She comes across a pool and realizes she's thirsty, so she stops to take a drink. However, she notices the "water" is "thicker than water" and "murky and oily". So what does she do with this mysterious swamp goop? Sticks her fucking hand in it, of course. It then schlorps her in like a vaccum so that only her face is sticking out of the water, and her entire body starts to "tingle and feel strangely numb."

The talking dove appears outta nowhere and starts screaming for Maya to hang on, she has fallen into the Pool of Bacchus and is in imminent danger! The dove and her sisters rush off into the flower forest to find Joey, who has only just made it back to the river. They tell him to come help save his sister from being drowned in magic sludge, and this is his reaction:

"Hurry us and follow as fast as you can," Libertine commanded. "Maya has fallen into the Pool of Bacchus!"

"The pool of what?" Joey asked.

"No time to explain, but know that she is in grave danger. Come!" Libertine said.

The four doves started flying upriver, but Joey was standing still. Libertine circled back.

"What are you waiting for?" The dove asked.

Joey's eyebrows formed a V on his forehead. "I'm not so sure," he said.

"What? Why?" Libertine landed on a rock nearby.

"Because you're a talking bird for one," Joey said incredulously. "That takes a little getting used to, you know? Plus I did pretty well by myself just now, getting out of that maze. I'm not sure I want to just go and follow you now."

(Moth note: WHAT MAZE?! He backtracked through bamboo and he's STILL lost in the flower forest, there was no maze? And, dude, your sister is in DANGER.)

"It is true you do not know us well," Libertine admitted. "But back with Munasa -- didn't we give you good advice? Didn't we warn you of her attack?"

Joey thought about it. 'Yes, you did. But I don't know if I want to trust my life -- and Maya's -- to someone else. I don't want to follow you blindly when I have faith in myself, too."

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Libertine was nodding. "You have done very well so far. Admirably well. But a leader doesn't always lead. Sometimes you must know when to lead, and when to follow."

Joey heard the truth in the bird's words. As odd as it seemed, he did trust Libertine. And he realized that, in this moment, it would indeed be smarter to follow rather than lead.

"Okay," he said. "That makes sense. This is your land. You lead, I'll follow."
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:stress:

He follows.

She's almost completely submerged when he finds her, but manages to pull her out. However, where the mud touched him, his own skin starts to tingle and burn. The mud on Maya's body is starting to harden into a stone-like substance, and the doves urge Joey to find water so he can wash it away or else "Maya will die of the liquid stone's intoxication."

Obviously, he finds water, saves Maya, and the two then make unfunny jokes about mud bath beauty products.

This chapter really illustrates why I hate 2024!Joey. The narrative clearly wants us to see him as someone brave who just needs to grow into his leadership skills, but he's not really brave at all; he's just really, really cocky. He has lots of bravado without a single ounce of wisdom. I'd call that stupidity rather than bravery. It also seems like the only way to get him to do anything actually fucking useful is to speak to him in fortune cookie proverbs. Worst fucking character. I declare myself President of the Joey Hate Club.
Orbiting back to Gordon & friends, the military expedition has set sail and is closing in on the island. Still no mention of the missing children.

Gordon and Huang have an argument because Gordon is concerned that he and his father are going to be skimped on payment for the research they have done. Honestly, big agree. I think his concerns are valid. His father sort of agrees, stating that it's sad but true that many scientists throughout history have been abused by the system and not adequately compensated for their work. He, however, tells Gordon that such is ok, because we should be doing research for the good of humanity and for progress, not for personal gain. Huang is one of the more likable characters, but I actually wanted to slap him. We are supposed to agree with Huang in this exchange, but Gordon is 100% in the right here.

Chapter ends with them landing on the island.
I missed this on my initial read-through, however, Maya finally mentions missing her parents! It's a single sentence with no internal reflection, but it's better than nothing.

Libertine comes along with them to help them find the lagoon. Despite encountering sunflowers as tall as skyscrapers, a magical negro, enchanted rock sludge, and multiple talking animals, Joey still thinks the whole mermaid city is bogus because he "draws the line at [the existence of] mermaids." Ok.

On their way, they encounter a hundred-strong flock of the fairy raven scouts who, upon seeing the children, "stopped circling, formed a single line, and began to fly back the way they had come." Lmao @ a hundred birds all flying back in a single file line like a bunch of school children.

Soon, the kids finally reach the lagoon and encounter a mermaid! Unfortunately for them, this mermaid guard was apparently born yesterday and has never heard of this Ultra Important Prophecy, so she grabs Joey and tries to drown him like an alligator doing a deathroll. (Lol)

More mermaids surface to mock Maya, who is now in distress and begging them not to kill him, and the shenanigans stop when she mentions her name, as one of the new mermaids has heard of the prophecy. This mermaid realizes Maya is telling the truth and that the guard is about to drown one of the prophetic humans. The shenanigans end, Joey is saved, and the kids are given food and water to help them regain their strength. However, the original mermaid guard makes it known she still hates Maya and calls her "an ugly hairless dwarf."

Due to unforeseen irl circumstances, I will be unable to go up to chapter 20 today like I had initially planned, so here is where we will have to stop for now. The rest will come whenever, but most likely sooner rather than later. ;)
 
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Maradontia said:
A shipwreck, mermaids and a Chinese character. Isn't this the plot to the movie Gerry was trying to sell to a Chinese movie company a few years ago?

She has a bunch of new videos out:




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C'mon, maaaaaaan! You have to READ THE BACK OF YOUR OWN doorstop like Hambuttlynn Reid to tell us about the story you allegedly wrote yourself?

These books are gonna be flying right off the shelves like nothin'!
 
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Gloria Tesch is 30 years old right now. Just throwing it out there. I have not heard this girl since the 2010s. I remember visiting a website that sporked Maradonia, but for the life of me I can't remember the site's name. It's on the tip of my tongue.
 
KADZ92 said:
Gloria Tesch is 30 years old right now. Just throwing it out there. I have not heard this girl since the 2010s. I remember visiting a website that sporked Maradonia, but for the life of me I can't remember the site's name. It's on the tip of my tongue.
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I used to read through a couple sporks of the series. Does Anti-Shur'tugal or Conjugal Felicity ring a bell?
 
Unexpected Genitals said:
I used to read through a couple sporks of the series. Does Anti-Shur'tugal or Conjugal Felicity ring a bell?
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Conjugal Felicity did a great sporking of Maradonia, but they haven't updated their site in forever and there are almost no comments (which is reason number 2 to even read sporkings).

They also sporked Robert Stanieck.
 
KADZ92 said:
It's Anti Shurtugal. I don't know if it's a website. They did not just spork Maradonia, they also sporked other bad self-published novel.
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It's a livejournal group that moved to Dreamwidth, they're still sporking bad novels on there.
 
I like that Gloria keeps on trucking with Maradonia. Most people would’ve dropped it completely by now, not her though.

I just finished listening to the Terrible Book Club podcast about it and the story seems pretty chaotic. It’s like Stien’s Gate meets Atlantis.
 
God damnit, I thought I was out.
Genuinely, to the point where I deleted every message I left on this thread because I grew up and felt weird about it. And was kinda right to.
I even bought, read, and left a more-than-one-star review on Guardians of the Portal, because it DESERVED more than one star.
But I just can't keep this to myself, and I have nowhere else I can go to talk about it, so here I fucking am.

As referenced above, most of you have seen the Ruse Cruise video, because it was excellent.
What I need everyone to know is that Gloria ripped the plot for GotP off from the scammer who tried to steal Maradonia from Guenter, and the very fact of it is giving me life.
From the book publisher*, Mascot: https://mascotbooks.com/product/maradonia-and-the-guardians-of-the-portal/
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From Wardour studios: https://www.wardourstudio.com/maradonia.html
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Obviously not one-to-one, but clearly a huge influence and I kinda love that for her. Scammers tried to the scam the scammers and ended up getting their own idea stolen in turn.
Gloria, never stop never stopping.
 
Gloria had a book signing this summer at Barnes & Noble. (archive) It appears the books were flying off the shelves like... nothing.
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A mermaid made a 'surprise' appearance.
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And it wouldn't be a Gloria book without a book trailer! This one is decent except for the unfortunate turn of phrase "Two Siblings, One Portal."

 
If nothing else, she's got a lot of determination, I have to give her that.

I'd like to think that one day, when she's much older and wiser, she'll finally write an absolute banger and earn some legitimate fame instead of infamy. Or maybe she could look back on her Maradonia series and use it to write a tongue-in-cheek instructional book for young authors on how not to do a high-fantasy story.
 
My wife enjoys going to local county fairs or just misc craft fairs that pop up in our area from time to time and buying books from the small authors that show up at things like that. most of the books end up not being very good, but she'd rather read something obscure and bad than mainstream slop.

If gloria was doing a book signing anywhere near us, I'm sure my wife would have loved to go and get a signed copy.
 
Necro and I know no one cares about her, but she uploaded a video 2 months ago that got 88 views talking about her author journey. It’s nice to see she hasn’t given up.

 
This is one of my favorite threads from back in the day, that I keep wishing would miraculously come back to life.

I went to her X/Twitter out of curiosity, but she hasn't posted since December. Only 8 posts in the last 12 months (mostly having to do with Maradonia and the Guardians of the Portal), with 7 total likes dispersed amongst those 8 posts, despite having 2,855 followers (which I question the authenticity of).

I'd give anything for a sequel to her Maradonia movie, or another crack at a first one since the one we have technically wasn't ever released IIRC.
 
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