💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot
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- Sep 23, 2018
If anyone has a spare screener copy, maybe they should send it over to the RedLetterMedia boys. They've already got so much trash in their studios that there's a slim chance it'd make it onto an episode, but you never know.
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- Jul 19, 2019
I remember reading sporkings/riffings of the Maradonia series long before I ever knew KF was a thing, so I guess Tesch was my official first lolcow. It still holds a special place in my heart because it bastardizes so many fantasy tropes, and yet there's almost a kind of earnestness to it that makes it charming despite being a pile of shit.
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- Jul 1, 2017
I kinda miss the era of when they'd market all sorts of abject garbage to churches and Christians in general, like as those really bad rock/metal bands who claimed to be Christian or no-budget movies about the Rapture. Gerry knew his market pretty well and being a Christian Eragon ripoff made Maradonia a great scam for its era. Makes me feel nostalgic it all happened so long ago.
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2023
Pardon the necro, but we are so fucking back, my Maradonia bros.
New Maradonia novel dropping this August. [Archive] According to the comments in Gloria's Youtube announcement these are actually shipping early. "Mascot Books" seems to be a hybrid publisher, which is a type of self-publishing where the author pays for some of the production cost rather than all of it (as they would with a normal self-publishing service.) It appears this is the first in a whole new Maradonia series, though it borrows obvious plot points from the original abomination Gloria created in her youth. Needless to say, I will be reading this lmao.
Maradonia and the Guardians of the Portal
After two siblings are shipwrecked off the coast of Maradonia, they are thrust into a treacherous journey involving fierce warrior mermaids. Maya and Joey soon realize their only way home is through a teleportation portal . . . that doesn’t work.
The two join the mermaids to find a way to reawaken the portal before it falls into the wrong hands. Just when their adventures seems to be going smoothly, a United States military expedition lands on the shores of Maradonia and starts their own search for the portal. To make matters even worse, the Dark Realm declares war on the mermaids. Fighting one enemy is bad enough, but battling two assaulting opponents may prove too much for the mermaids. In Maradonia and the Guardians of the Portal, Maya and Joey are in far more trouble than they ever imagined: the ultimate battle for control of the universe.
New Maradonia novel dropping this August. [Archive] According to the comments in Gloria's Youtube announcement these are actually shipping early. "Mascot Books" seems to be a hybrid publisher, which is a type of self-publishing where the author pays for some of the production cost rather than all of it (as they would with a normal self-publishing service.) It appears this is the first in a whole new Maradonia series, though it borrows obvious plot points from the original abomination Gloria created in her youth. Needless to say, I will be reading this lmao.
Maradonia and the Guardians of the Portal
After two siblings are shipwrecked off the coast of Maradonia, they are thrust into a treacherous journey involving fierce warrior mermaids. Maya and Joey soon realize their only way home is through a teleportation portal . . . that doesn’t work.
The two join the mermaids to find a way to reawaken the portal before it falls into the wrong hands. Just when their adventures seems to be going smoothly, a United States military expedition lands on the shores of Maradonia and starts their own search for the portal. To make matters even worse, the Dark Realm declares war on the mermaids. Fighting one enemy is bad enough, but battling two assaulting opponents may prove too much for the mermaids. In Maradonia and the Guardians of the Portal, Maya and Joey are in far more trouble than they ever imagined: the ultimate battle for control of the universe.
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- May 26, 2013
I guarantee you this empty-headed bint is using AI.
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- Jul 4, 2022
It looks like Mama Tesch had originally designed the cover for this one too, but the publisher must have intervened.
YouTube description:
Artwork by Marina Terkulova Tesch
About the Artist: Marina Tesch is intrigued by the relationships between light and color. As a fine art painter she eternalizes on canvas her impressions and ideas and by skillfully placing the colors, she is able to capture the atmosphere, the light, the color and the illusion of depth extremely well. Marina’s paintings are full of color and life, having the sense of controlled spontaneity and lively imagination in her brushwork.
Maradonia and the Guardians of the Portal - Original Cover Design
YouTube description:
Artwork by Marina Terkulova Tesch
About the Artist: Marina Tesch is intrigued by the relationships between light and color. As a fine art painter she eternalizes on canvas her impressions and ideas and by skillfully placing the colors, she is able to capture the atmosphere, the light, the color and the illusion of depth extremely well. Marina’s paintings are full of color and life, having the sense of controlled spontaneity and lively imagination in her brushwork.
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- Oct 28, 2018
Literally the best reason to necro a thread. I can't wait to see what kind of hilariously bad slop she's churned out this time.
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- Aug 10, 2019
so...................................Avatar?
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- Dec 17, 2019
Fantastic, keep us posted when you get it.
Conjugal Felicity's site is dead, comments wise and I don't think they've covered anything new for quite a while, so I'm excited to see your sporking.
Kiwisee
kiwifarms.net
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- Apr 15, 2021
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2019
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO
There better be unicorns and talking frogs still. Part of me hopes that maybe Gloria has taken some time to reflect and polish her craft. Maybe she'll take a more self-aware approach and learn from her previous mistakes to create something that, even if it's not fantastic, will still be a fun read.
(Or maybe pigs will fly)
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2023
I can't fucking believe I'm saying this, but, while they ain't flyin', I'd say the pigs have at least learned how to glide. Will flight be in their future? Only time will tell.
First off, can 100% confirm that if you "pre-order" the book, you will be ordering the book, as mine has arrived:
As far as first impressions of the book itself go, I'm legitimately impressed. This is actually a beautiful package, and if I saw this on the shelf or at a thrift store, I would not clock it as self-published or print-on-demand. Everything is sized and formatted like a professional book from the Big Four. It even lacks the tell-tale POD barcode on the last page. I have to commend Gloria for actually doing her research (or getting in touch with someone who is good at researching) and going with a hybrid-publisher who isn't scum.
The book is dedicated to her father "who encouraged [her] to pursue [her] dreams as a writer." Heart-warming or horrifying depending on your opinion of Mr. Tesch lol.
Like the Maradonia of old, the interior of this one is also illustrated by her mum. Most of these illustrations are brand-new, but if you're like me and have been following Tesch back when the OG Maradonia rose to infamy, you will recognize a few old faves. I unironically like how Mama Tesch draws creatures and environments (though she still seriously needs to improve on human faces lmao) so I think this is a nice touch.
Now, onto the writing. This is where things get a little rocky (surprising absolutely no one) BUT, again, I will give credit where credit is due -- this is a remarkable improvement over OG Maradonia, and even over her evil mermaid book, which I also subjected myself to back when it was released lol. Overall, the syntax, style, and readability is a world of a difference from the OG Maradonia. I'd actually go as far as to call it ok. My biggest issue is the dialogue, which is extremely and consistently stilted, and an occasional inappropriate usage of the passive voice. I'd rate it a solid B overall. Linguistically, it mostly reads like standard YA fare. Ah, the power of actually investing in a proper editor.
However, I firmly believe writing and storytelling are completely different -- albeit related and heavily intertwined -- artforms, and the storytelling here is the Gloria we know and love. It's still an improvement, but it's still uniquely Gloria. Here are my thoughts & synopsis of the first 3 chapters + prologue.
Prologue is just one page or so of a mermaid sitting on a rock and having a "oh lawd, they comin'" epiphany about the prophecy of Maya and Joey's arrival. Whole scene isn't badly written, but is fairly generic.
Maya and Joey are returning home from vacation. They are coming back on a family friend's boat. They are caught in a storm at sea, and this is where we see our first Gloria-ism in the story. The kids call their parents to alert them that shit is hitting the fan (the scene immediately preceding this is of the captain telling his crew to prepare abandoning ship) and their mother's reaction is, "It's just a little rainstorm, honey." The little rainstorm then tosses the ship like a toy, crashing it on a reef, where it then begins to rapidly sink.
The kids run up on deck, see one of their buddies get yeeted into the sea by mother nature, and then Maya goes back inside to warn a her 28 year-old scientist friend "Gordon Huang" (who she has the raging hots for) that he needs to abandon ship. Gordon, however, does not wish to leave because he's so engrossed in his instruments that he doesn't notice the water swirling around his feet a la that one scene in the Titanic, and because, according to him, "WE HAVE FOUND IT!" Maya drags him, practically kicking and screaming, up topside and pushes him overboard, as there is an apparent deficiency of lifeboats on this ship, and all of them have taken off without the children and their hot Chinese scientist pal. The kids jump in after him, only to be surrounded by sharks and mermaids before all cuts to black.
The kids run up on deck, see one of their buddies get yeeted into the sea by mother nature, and then Maya goes back inside to warn a her 28 year-old scientist friend "Gordon Huang" (who she has the raging hots for) that he needs to abandon ship. Gordon, however, does not wish to leave because he's so engrossed in his instruments that he doesn't notice the water swirling around his feet a la that one scene in the Titanic, and because, according to him, "WE HAVE FOUND IT!" Maya drags him, practically kicking and screaming, up topside and pushes him overboard, as there is an apparent deficiency of lifeboats on this ship, and all of them have taken off without the children and their hot Chinese scientist pal. The kids jump in after him, only to be surrounded by sharks and mermaids before all cuts to black.
Here we are introduced to the US Military subplot. Here we are introduced to Joanna Johnson, "one of the top African American women in a position of power in the US President's cabinet." And her Chinese scientist pal, Dr. Huang, who is the grandfather of Gordon, and is studying the existence of wormhole portals. We also meet Admiral Wells and General Stanton, who are implied to be villains who "put the defense of the country above all other things." Huang and Johnson reveal to them that Gordon has been rescued from the shipwreck, and that the data he collected offers concrete proof that wormhole teleportation portals are real. Johnson berates the Admiral and General for their plans to use the research for military transport over "humanitarian efforts".
Diverse humanitarians vs the white military men. Oh my god...Is this Gloria drinking the DEI koolaid?!
Diverse humanitarians vs the white military men. Oh my god...Is this Gloria drinking the DEI koolaid?!
Maya wakes up on a tropical island surrounded by debris from the wreck and immediately sees a dead body of one of her friends, who has been disfigured by a shark. She is sad for all of about two sentences before Joey shows up and she promptly forgets having seen the mangled corpse of someone she knew. Seriously, there is little to no internal reflection from the characters regarding all this death. Joey even claims to have seen another body that looks even worse than the one Maya saw. I would expect a reaction like this from a trained soldier who has seen combat multiple times, not two affluent 15 year-olds.
Maya suggests they set up camp on the beach and gather food by spear fishing and foraging for fruit, but suddenly there is a nightmarish screeching emanating from the jungle. Joey says it's a better idea to go investigate the sound. Maya begs him not to and has a moment where she reflects that she wishes she was as much of a brave go-getter as her brother. Girl. GIRL. That ain't a "brave, go-getter" idea, that's a dipshit barnacle-brained, "I want to become leopard lunch" idea.
Maya cries and mopes about the notion of going into the jungle to become fast food for a big cat or an alligator, and Joey decides to do the sensible thing and set up camp on the beach with her.
Maya suggests they set up camp on the beach and gather food by spear fishing and foraging for fruit, but suddenly there is a nightmarish screeching emanating from the jungle. Joey says it's a better idea to go investigate the sound. Maya begs him not to and has a moment where she reflects that she wishes she was as much of a brave go-getter as her brother. Girl. GIRL. That ain't a "brave, go-getter" idea, that's a dipshit barnacle-brained, "I want to become leopard lunch" idea.
Maya cries and mopes about the notion of going into the jungle to become fast food for a big cat or an alligator, and Joey decides to do the sensible thing and set up camp on the beach with her.
That's as far as I am right now. Like I said, because of the excellent copyediting, it's surprisingly readable, even though the story telling is already chuckle-worthy three chapters in. I highly suspect I'm going to end up labelling this as, "bad book, fun read". Not good by any means, but I must applaud her for making genuine improvements in her craft.
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2018
I look forward to the rest of your review. I'm legit glad Gloria's managed to show some improvement, but at least it sounds like the ridiculous dialogue hasn't gone anywhere, and that was always one of my favorite parts of Maradonia.
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- Dec 12, 2022
The Teschs changing to a left wing grift was not in my 2024 bingo card but I welcome it if it means more Maradonia cringekino.
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- Jul 19, 2019
The one thing you can say about Gloria I guess is that she never gives up. Props to her for that at least.
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- Mar 8, 2023
There is nothing quite on the level as classics such as, "Over the log, you dumb shit!" (the language in New Maradonia has been softened into something actually appropriate for its intended audience) but it's still pretty damn goofy. Imagine a friendly extraterrestrial trying his best to assimilate with humans, but falling just short of the mark. That's how the dialogue reads. It feels extra strange when juxtaposed against the descriptions in the novel, which are honestly not terrible. So, you're constantly getting whiplashed between comically uncanny dialogue and these ok scenery/action/etc paragraphs.
It starts to rain, so the kids find a cave to seek shelter. They begin to explore it, and eventually come to a mermaid statue described as being "no bigger than a meter". It has jewels on it, so Joey walks over and just picks it up "in his hands" after breaking it off of its base. A 3 foot tall statue made of solid stone is going to be heavy as fuck, Joey must be jacked.
Once the statue is clenched within Joey's mighty meaty man mitts, there is an earthquake, but don't worry, because Maya convinces him to put it back, so it stops. But then they get immediately attacked by bats that chase them out of the cave. Hope these kids have their rabies shots.
They patch up their bite wounds at the entrance, and then return to the beach, but instead it's A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORLD! To quote Joey (who is slowly becoming the most insufferable dunderhead in this book: "Everything is oversized! The bushes, the leaves, those trees are crazy tall And look at that fog over there on that hill. It's nearly black."
A normal-sized monkey then leaps out of the trees to steal Joey's compass, before darting back into the jungle. Maya tries to convince him to be sensible, but, because the compass was his grandpa's, "nothing else mattered" to Joey, except getting it back. Annoyed, she follows him into the jungle
Once the statue is clenched within Joey's mighty meaty man mitts, there is an earthquake, but don't worry, because Maya convinces him to put it back, so it stops. But then they get immediately attacked by bats that chase them out of the cave. Hope these kids have their rabies shots.
They patch up their bite wounds at the entrance, and then return to the beach, but instead it's A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORLD! To quote Joey (who is slowly becoming the most insufferable dunderhead in this book: "Everything is oversized! The bushes, the leaves, those trees are crazy tall And look at that fog over there on that hill. It's nearly black."
A normal-sized monkey then leaps out of the trees to steal Joey's compass, before darting back into the jungle. Maya tries to convince him to be sensible, but, because the compass was his grandpa's, "nothing else mattered" to Joey, except getting it back. Annoyed, she follows him into the jungle
Ah, some familiar faces. Chapter 5 is a short scene featuring the three fairy witches. Yes, you know the ones.
They have way cooler names now: Andromeda (formerly Gertrude), Mui, and Lilith. I wish I had the capability to dig my OG Mardonia copy out of the attic to compare the other names, but alas, I only have the film for comparison, and in it only Gertrude (red hair) is given a name, as far as I recall. Shorty appears to be Mui, and green cloak is Lilith.
This chapter is the reason why I think only a copyeditor -- and NOT a developmental editor -- went through this book. (In a traditional publishing setting, you will have both.) This chapter is just the three of them conversing with their abused raven familiars that they have found the humans! However, this entire chapter should have been axed. The witches themselves even seem to know this:
Good question, actually. Especially since the witches state a few paragraphs later that they "can see everything". What good are your scouts if you see all without them? The easy way to fix this would be to make it so the witches see everything because of their scouts, but I feel like this scene was just placed here because "oooh, witches with ravens, so spooky" because it otherwise serves no narrative purpose.
This chapter is the reason why I think only a copyeditor -- and NOT a developmental editor -- went through this book. (In a traditional publishing setting, you will have both.) This chapter is just the three of them conversing with their abused raven familiars that they have found the humans! However, this entire chapter should have been axed. The witches themselves even seem to know this:
Good question, actually. Especially since the witches state a few paragraphs later that they "can see everything". What good are your scouts if you see all without them? The easy way to fix this would be to make it so the witches see everything because of their scouts, but I feel like this scene was just placed here because "oooh, witches with ravens, so spooky" because it otherwise serves no narrative purpose.
The kids follow the monkey until they meet with his owner, who is the sage who explains to them that they are in Maradonia, and that they have been sent here to rescue the mermaids and fulfill The Prophecy and become The Encouragers.
In the original, he was this Gandalf-looking guy:
Now he is described exactly like this:
Does it count as a race swap if the Diverse Character was technically already part of the story?
His name is Oraculus (get it? Because he's an oracle. Uugh.) and he informs them the only way to get home is if they fulfill their destiny.
This passage gave me a bit of a giggle:
In the original, he was this Gandalf-looking guy:
Does it count as a race swap if the Diverse Character was technically already part of the story?
His name is Oraculus (get it? Because he's an oracle. Uugh.) and he informs them the only way to get home is if they fulfill their destiny.
This passage gave me a bit of a giggle:
We return to the USA. A research team is being assembled to investigate the Maradonia portal. Here, we meet blonde girlboss Sargent Ilona, who is the daughter of the villainous Admiral Wells. She's only 25 but the best fighter ever, so much so that she can even wear her hair super long in hand-to-hand combat, get it yanked (and her face then pummeled by an adult man three times her size) only to come up from it no worse for wear. She grins and drops this banger one-liner, "Didn't your mother tell you not to pull a girl's hair?" before promptly kicking the ass of the three men she was sparring with. I can't tell if she's going to be a Star Wars Rey type girlboss mary sue, or if she's going to be as villainous as her dad. I suspect the former.
Admiral Wells tells Professor Huang to disregard the chain of command and to report all findings only to him, because the African American woman Under Secretary of Defense is "too much of a do-gooder".
A morbidly obese jolly Brit by the name of Octavius Mundi is also brought on to the research team. He's literally just a scholar of science fiction & fantasy literature, but they think they need him, as he will help them understand Maradonian culture or whatever. A fantastic use of the federal budget.
Admiral Wells tells Professor Huang to disregard the chain of command and to report all findings only to him, because the African American woman Under Secretary of Defense is "too much of a do-gooder".
A morbidly obese jolly Brit by the name of Octavius Mundi is also brought on to the research team. He's literally just a scholar of science fiction & fantasy literature, but they think they need him, as he will help them understand Maradonian culture or whatever. A fantastic use of the federal budget.
A short chapter that really should have been merged with the end of six, or the beginning of 9.
The kids and Oraculus talk about fulfilling the prophecy, and how King Palazar (formerly Apollyon) will take over the universe if they fail. Since fulfilling the prophecy is their only way home, they agree to going North to the lagoon where the mermaid city is.
The kids and Oraculus talk about fulfilling the prophecy, and how King Palazar (formerly Apollyon) will take over the universe if they fail. Since fulfilling the prophecy is their only way home, they agree to going North to the lagoon where the mermaid city is.
The next two chapters are almost beat-for-beat the same as old scenes we know and love.
Chapter 9 opens with Joey almost getting grabbed by a gator. Fucking called it, this kid is dumb he hurts me.
Maya and Joey are then wooed by the snake woman originally played by Mama Tesch in the film. In this incarnation, she's just a cobra with jewel-like scales who mesmerizes the children into following her. Just as before, the talking white dove appears to snap the kids out of their trance, informing them the snake is a spy for Palazar. Joey cuts its head off with his machete, and describes his feelings of triumph with a a proverb I'm certain Gloria got off a fortune cookie from the last time she had take-out Chinese: "A worried person sees a problem. A concerned person solves the problem. Leaders must keep their cool when those around them are lost to despair. A quote by my teacher."
On the other hand, seeing the gore causes Maya to have a mental breakdown:
I was really annoyed by this, as I felt this was the reaction I expected from her after seeing the mangled corpse of her friend floating in the water, not her brother beheading a snake. This could have worked where it is if the kids' apathy towards all their experiences thus far had been commented on or addressed in some way (ie: if we had Maya reflecting in the beginning about feeling numb with disbelief over the violent death of their friends, and this is her snapping as reality finally catches up to her) but it isn't, so it just comes across as superficial and silly.
Chapter 9 opens with Joey almost getting grabbed by a gator. Fucking called it, this kid is dumb he hurts me.
Maya and Joey are then wooed by the snake woman originally played by Mama Tesch in the film. In this incarnation, she's just a cobra with jewel-like scales who mesmerizes the children into following her. Just as before, the talking white dove appears to snap the kids out of their trance, informing them the snake is a spy for Palazar. Joey cuts its head off with his machete, and describes his feelings of triumph with a a proverb I'm certain Gloria got off a fortune cookie from the last time she had take-out Chinese: "A worried person sees a problem. A concerned person solves the problem. Leaders must keep their cool when those around them are lost to despair. A quote by my teacher."
On the other hand, seeing the gore causes Maya to have a mental breakdown:
I was really annoyed by this, as I felt this was the reaction I expected from her after seeing the mangled corpse of her friend floating in the water, not her brother beheading a snake. This could have worked where it is if the kids' apathy towards all their experiences thus far had been commented on or addressed in some way (ie: if we had Maya reflecting in the beginning about feeling numb with disbelief over the violent death of their friends, and this is her snapping as reality finally catches up to her) but it isn't, so it just comes across as superficial and silly.
Literally just this scene, but beefed up.
However, this is why I think the witches chapter should have been omitted. It's everything we learn from that chapter, rephrased all over again, but slightly more competent, as it doesn't contradict its own lore this time. The witches warn the King about the prophecy, but he doesn't take their warning seriously because "they're just kids." Honestly? Fair.
We are also introduced to some political intrigue, as the King's underlings hate that he shafts them in favor of his own family. One challenges him, and is quickly zapped to death in front of the others. King's current plan of action is to defeat the mermaid queen "Aquamarisha" (I see Tesch just couldn't let go of this ridiculous name. God I hope she race-swapped this character to black LMAO) and he tells the witches to keep spying on Maya and Joey just in case.
However, this is why I think the witches chapter should have been omitted. It's everything we learn from that chapter, rephrased all over again, but slightly more competent, as it doesn't contradict its own lore this time. The witches warn the King about the prophecy, but he doesn't take their warning seriously because "they're just kids." Honestly? Fair.
We are also introduced to some political intrigue, as the King's underlings hate that he shafts them in favor of his own family. One challenges him, and is quickly zapped to death in front of the others. King's current plan of action is to defeat the mermaid queen "Aquamarisha" (I see Tesch just couldn't let go of this ridiculous name. God I hope she race-swapped this character to black LMAO) and he tells the witches to keep spying on Maya and Joey just in case.
Thus far, I'm genuinely enjoying this, albeit for all the wrong reasons. It reads like a parody of a high-fantasy novel, yet, because it isn't, it has this unusual sincerity to it that a true parody would lack. It's hilarious, but kind of endearing???
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2019
Haven't gotten to your other post, but so far... THANK YOU! This is fantastic!!
Sounds like Neil Breen and Robert Staineck had a ghey buttbaby and here it is!
And since you brought up the strange, stilted topic of addressing dead bodies: I take it there was no expressed concern for the mother? So, she jumped onto a lifeboat and...forgot her two kids? Maya and Joey not even remotely curious about their mother or hurt she could've possibly purposefully abandoned them both to save herself? Lol
But seriously, thank you for doing this. I absolutely ADORE book discussions and sporkings, and yours fills the bill nicely!
Imma keep reading...
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2023
This is my bad for the way I wrote my post, but by "calling their mom" I meant calling on the phone lol.
HOWEVER, I am currently on chapter 19, and since that first chapter, neither of the parents have been mentioned in any important capacity. Not by the kids, not by Gordon, not by anyone. You would at least think they would have gotten in contact with Gordon after he was pulled from the sea alive. At this point, they may as well not even exist given how little the kids spend time thinking of them.
In chapter 18, this is also the first time we see the adults who do have important roles express any real concern over the missing kids. It's a pretty hilarious chapter and I'll definitely give my deeper thoughts on it once I write up my batch of synopsis & commentary on chapters 11 through 20. Let's just say the story gets batty af lol.