💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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For The Internet said:
I've come up with a rudimentary Maradonia drinking game. Here are the rules.

Take a sip every time:

- Gloria flails her arms around spastically (this will be your main source of alcohol for the duration)
- The music drowns out the actors
- Joey is an asshole
- Each time a line or idea is repeated by a character. For example, in the beginning King Apollyon says 'the failure to prepare is the preparation to fail' twice so that's one sip. Then in the same scene he says 'go for the kill' and repeats it about three times, so that's three sips.
- Each time Maradonia is referred to as 'the land of Maradonia'
- Each time there's a scene from the trailer

Take a proper drink:

- Every time there is blatant discontinuity between shots. Examples include Gloria's hair changing between shots (at one point it goes from being entirely blonde and drawn back in a pony tail to having four hot pink streaks to being blonde again but having some parted bangs) different filters, characters changing positions.
- Each time you hear their stock music looping
- Each time there is either a line praising author avatar Maya or a shot that is blatant fan service of her

Finish your drink/Take a shot:

- In every scene where a non-Glora Tesch appears as a character (Mama Tesch, Jonathan Tesch and Benjamin Tesch. Mama Tesch is Arabella the snake lady, Ben is the little kid with the bunny and Jonathan in the party scene).
- For the Emily scene at the start with 'where did this evil come from and why?!'. Because trust me, it's the best way to deal with that scene. It's easier to continue watching the movie if you have a shot and a few swallows in you first.

You'll note that most of the drink is made up of sipping and there are very few shots/finish your drinks. This is because you would die of alcohol poisoning if you actually took a proper drink in place of a sip and finished your drink in place of taking a proper drink. I couldn't work out a way to factor in bad acting because there is no good acting in the entire film. I couldn't even put in something like 'finish your drink when someone gives a decent performance' because it just doesn't happen.

The original link is down so I couldn't check who Benjamin Jonathan Tesch plays so if someone who downloaded the film can clarify I'd appreciate that. Hopefully someone will reupload the movie ASAP! Edited it to clarify I wasn't sure which scenes Jonathan is in.
Click to expand...

perfect drinking game for movie night!

BTW YOU ALL BITCHES BETTER COME AND WATCH THIS ABOMINATIO FOR MOVIE NIGHT TODAY!
 
For The Internet said:
Finish your drink/Take a shot:

- In every scene where a non-Glora Tesch appears as a character (Mama Tesch, Jonathan Tesch and Benjamin Tesch. Mama Tesch is Arabella the snake lady, Ben is the little kid with the bunny and Jonathan in the party scene).
- For the Emily scene at the start with 'where did this evil come from and why?!'. Because trust me, it's the best way to deal with that scene. It's easier to continue watching the movie if you have a shot and a few swallows in you first.

You'll note that most of the drink is made up of sipping and there are very few shots/finish your drinks. This is because you would die of alcohol poisoning if you actually took a proper drink in place of a sip and finished your drink in place of taking a proper drink. I couldn't work out a way to factor in bad acting because there is no good acting in the entire film. I couldn't even put in something like 'finish your drink when someone gives a decent performance' because it just doesn't happen.

The original link is down so I couldn't check who Benjamin Jonathan Tesch plays so if someone who downloaded the film can clarify I'd appreciate that. Hopefully someone will reupload the movie ASAP! Edited it to clarify I wasn't sure which scenes Jonathan is in.
Click to expand...

Jonathan is listed as an Empire Guard and a captain at some point. In other words, non-speaking roles. You know that's bad then his brother, the kid with the bunny, has an actual speaking role and messes it up because he can't act. How badly would Jonathan act compared to his brother?
 
Maradonia and the Shadow Empire: AKA the biggest waste of money since The Room.

Where to begin with this movie. It has horrible acting, hideous audio, lame camera tricks, costumes straight out of a school play and CGI so utterly disgraceful that it makes the dragons in Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie, look fucking spectacular.

Can I even count the number of snafus in this movie? Let me list what I've found so far, after four viewings.

Gloria Tesch's acting.

A horseman riding down what is clearly an asphalt road, despite supposedly being in the fantasy world of Maradonia.

Professor Epstein's wig.

Professor Epstein clearly reading from the script in his lap while supposedly reading from a book.

An actual oil painting of 9/11 in the art class, complete with smoke cloud.

The kids in the class having an age range of about ten years.

The pool that Gloria is pushed into near the start of the film and nearly drowns in is shown to be knee deep.

Gloria's hair having pink highlights in one scene, but not in the rest of the film.

The weird fucked up pink lighting on all the rocks for no apparent reason.

Constant sparkle effects coming from flashlights, rings and staffs for no real reason.

The audio cutting out at random points

The music crescendos at random points during dialogue, so you cannot tell what the characters are saying.

Gertrude is played by one lady at the start of the film, switches to another one halfway through and then switches back again for some reason.

"TASTE OUR POWER!"

The CGI wall of fire and Oraculus simply walking around the wall off camera and emerging on the other side.

The scene with King Astrodolous where he is constantly interrupted by the animals shrieking in the background and one point where he visibly waits for a parrot to stop making noise before continuing.

The 10,000 soldiers the faeries summon in the book are played by 3 guys in the film.

The one 'Ching' sound effect played whenever two blades cross one another.

The Pool of Blood clearly being water with a red filter put over it, and parts of the scene clearly showing the water with no filter.

Gloria Tesch's Mother playing a talking snake by wearing a leopard print skintight suit, even though in a later scene they clearly have the ability to dub over a raven, making her appearance pointless.

The symbol of Maradonia, seven white doves, is done so poorly that you can see the birds wings overlapping.

Kerry's Maradonia symbol clearly shows that the doves have been stapled onto the cloth beneath.

The random sparks coming from the poisoned mango and the abrupt cut that misses Commander Justin eating the mango. (I mentioned sparks but this made no sense.)

Oraculus's magic attacks on the bad guys having one legit explosion and then two CGI explosions.

The struggling feet of Maya and Joey are clearly replaced with a wooden dummy wearing boots (ONE wooden dummy by the way, not two) when the Faeries start a fire underneath them.

The abrupt cut away from this scene with no explanation.

"My body is still paralysed from this Death Experience."

Maya and Joey (Brother and Sister) splashing one another in the Pool of Blood in a very playful manner.

The fact that, in the book, there is supposed to be a scene after the pool of blood where Abbadon approaches Maya and Joey and tries to kill them, only to fail. This scene is mentioned in the film but never appears.

The Tarnkappes looking so horrible.

The Baldour's Gate 2 rip off as we enter Apollyon's dungeon.

The green screen failing in the evil council scene.

f14dc8e5a9d57d017a5118276737a4c7.png
THIS!!!!

The snake handler eating the snakes head at the end of the film, ending on a freeze frame.

This is everything I've found so far.

10/10, this film is so awesomely bad.
 
Lorento said:
Maradonia and the Shadow Empire: AKA the biggest waste of money since The Room.

Where to begin with this movie. It has horrible acting, hideous audio, lame camera tricks, costumes straight out of a school play and CGI so utterly disgraceful that it makes the dragons in Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie, look fucking spectacular.

Can I even count the number of snafus in this movie? Let me list what I've found so far, after four viewings.

Gloria Tesch's acting.

A horseman riding down what is clearly an asphalt road, despite supposedly being in the fantasy world of Maradonia.

Professor Epstein's wig.

Professor Epstein clearly reading from the script in his lap while supposedly reading from a book.

An actual oil painting of 9/11 in the art class, complete with smoke cloud.

The kids in the class having an age range of about ten years.

The pool that Gloria is pushed into near the start of the film and nearly drowns in is shown to be knee deep.

Gloria's hair having pink highlights in one scene, but not in the rest of the film.

The weird fucked up pink lighting on all the rocks for no apparent reason.

Constant sparkle effects coming from flashlights, rings and staffs for no real reason.

The audio cutting out at random points

The music crescendos at random points during dialogue, so you cannot tell what the characters are saying.

Gertrude is played by one lady at the start of the film, switches to another one halfway through and then switches back again for some reason.

"TASTE OUR POWER!"

The CGI wall of fire and Oraculus simply walking around the wall off camera and emerging on the other side.

The scene with King Astrodolous where he is constantly interrupted by the animals shrieking in the background and one point where he visibly waits for a parrot to stop making noise before continuing.

The 10,000 soldiers the faeries summon in the book are played by 3 guys in the film.

The one 'Ching' sound effect played whenever two blades cross one another.

The Pool of Blood clearly being water with a red filter put over it, and parts of the scene clearly showing the water with no filter.

Gloria Tesch's Mother playing a talking snake by wearing a leopard print skintight suit, even though in a later scene they clearly have the ability to dub over a raven, making her appearance pointless.

The symbol of Maradonia, seven white doves, is done so poorly that you can see the birds wings overlapping.

Kerry's Maradonia symbol clearly shows that the doves have been stapled onto the cloth beneath.

The random sparks coming from the poisoned mango and the abrupt cut that misses Commander Justin eating the mango. (I mentioned sparks but this made no sense.)

Oraculus's magic attacks on the bad guys having one legit explosion and then two CGI explosions.

The struggling feet of Maya and Joey are clearly replaced with a wooden dummy wearing boots (ONE wooden dummy by the way, not two) when the Faeries start a fire underneath them.

The abrupt cut away from this scene with no explanation.

"My body is still paralysed from this Death Experience."

Maya and Joey (Brother and Sister) splashing one another in the Pool of Blood in a very playful manner.

The fact that, in the book, there is supposed to be a scene after the pool of blood where Abbadon approaches Maya and Joey and tries to kill them, only to fail. This scene is mentioned in the film but never appears.

The Tarnkappes looking so horrible.

The Baldour's Gate 2 rip off as we enter Apollyon's dungeon.

The green screen failing in the evil council scene.

f14dc8e5a9d57d017a5118276737a4c7.png
THIS!!!!

The snake handler eating the snakes head at the end of the film, ending on a freeze frame.

This is everything I've found so far.

10/10, this film is so awesomely bad.
Click to expand...

More:

Scenes are just randomly distributed. The scene of Maya and Joey being chased by the horsemen is in the intro before they're even introduced, then later when they go to Maradonia and get to the part where the scene should be it's just skipped over.

Similarly, the scene with Gertrude is in the intro then skipped over later.

The sounds of Joey eating the apple are clearly dubbed in.

The art teacher tells the students they'll learn about colors today, then introduces Professor Epstein as a guest and just leaves them alone with him.

Professor Epstein starts narrating the story of Apollyon, but then the narrator switches to a woman for some reason.

The writhing servants of Apollyon.

The random screaming with still shots of devil faces.

The children in the class all yelling.

Epstein calls it an ancient history book, but it tells the story of Maya and Joey who live in the modern day. Emily was born after 9/11 and is around 12, so this part takes place around 2013.

He also never really connects it to 9/11 or answers Emily's questions.

Epstein and the children are never seen again, so the Princess Bride framing device is abandoned.

It's Maya's first day at school, but there's a girl who acts like her friend even though we never see them meet.

The bully Alana Terrance grabs Maya's boob during the fight.

There's no followup scene of Maya getting in trouble with the school or her mom. It just cuts to the next day.

Maya and Joey look to be about 20 or older, the house party they go to is nothing but 10 year old boys. Why are none of the teens from their high school there?

Maya almost drowns in the 3 foot pool, but is later seen swimming in the ocean.

The mermaid statue in the cave looks like a plastic seafood restaurant prop.

The dwarf tells Maya and Joey they have to complete 7 bridges, but the bridges are never mentioned again. He also has a bone motorcycle for some reason.

They just keep switching fairy actors. There's 3 women with painted faces at the beginning who disappear. Also, the chubby white fairy with black hair and the young black fairy from the fire wall scene just disappear.

Oraculus doesn't help with the fairies.

The tribe asks Maya and Joey to lead their army. In the book this is because they completed the 7 Bridges, but since they didn't do that in the film the tribe just asks for no reason.

The teen army is like 6 people.

Maya's speech is one line long.

Commander Justin(e) is from the Black Tribe (she's black).

"Come forth, spirit of Gary!" (Hum gum gum)

There's a cutaway so Maya and Joey just sort of teleport onto the pyre with no explanation as to how they got on there (they didn't accept the offer to sacrifice themselves).

Dionysus just tells the soldiers to take them off the pyre. Nobody tries to help them beforehand.

Maya and Joey, Oraculus, the other soldiers, and the fairies just watch Dionysus fight those 3 guys in fast motion.

Oraculus, Dionysus, and the soldiers just vanish. Maya's voice over mentions Oraculus had to go.

Maya and Joey are suddenly on a cart that looks out of place with the technology of Maradonia.

There are lions and tigers that serve no purpose.

Gerry shot a scene of his daughter semi nude.

In the overhead shot where Maya is supposed to be nude, before she says "Look, ravens" you can see on her arm that she's wearing a green shirt.

The writhing souls in Hell shot that goes on for way too long.

Apollyon lives in Hell, but earlier he was in what looked like a large house above ground.

See you next time in Escape from the Underworld! (Which will never be made)

BTW, can we post the new Maradonia Youtube link that was used for movie night?
 
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If only MST3K was still running.

For The Internet said:
Examples include Gloria's hair changing between shots (at one point it goes from being entirely blonde and drawn back in a pony tail to having four hot pink streaks to being blonde again but having some parted bangs) different filters, characters changing positions.
Click to expand...
A wizard did it?
 
So, how was the movie night?
I didn't get to see it (way past midnight on the continent) yesterday.
 
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