💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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Okay, took me like a week to rack up the courage to dive back in, but here we go.

Prologue
AKA: Have I mentioned these fairies are evil lately?

This is a super short chapter. It's basically 4 pages, and most of those 4 pages are Gloria mentioning the evil fairies are evil.

Gertrude, Lorris and Caera (who is the hottest black person in Maradonia) are in the Blue Mountains, which are described as being silver. They're sneaking up to the castle wall with a group of ravens, their intentions nefarious.

They stand in a circle and cast some magic that brings them inside the castle wall, where their ravens lead them to the windows of Joey's chamber in the castle of Tyronia. They send up a raven to slide an envelope filled with magic spells and hexes under his door (which makes no sense because they have access to his window, not his door, but whatever).

Immediately, the envelope is engulfed in fire and "poisonous" smoke. I guess regular asphyxiation on old fashioned smoke isn't evil enough for the fairies.

Joey wakes up and makes it to the window, but the poison is doing a number on him. He summons his courage to take a "leap of faith" and jumps out the window. He lies on the grass 'with the satisfaction of knowing his time on earth had come to an end' and passes out. Or maybe dies. I know the little shit is in the rest of the series so he's probably not actually dead. I doubt this book is interesting enough to involve necromancy.

The ravens wait for the fairies to command them to peck out his eyes and tear him apart (maybe they're really big ravens?) but Gertrude announces that Joey has, to borrow Australian vernacular, carked it. Apparently she sees no need to poke out his eyes and dismember his corpse because he fell a few feet out a window after being poisoned by smoke (he's described as being covered in blood incidentally... where did it come from? Blunt force trauma doesn't cause that much bleeding from such a small height), and smugly announces that Joey was a dreamer, but now he is dead.
 
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Going through a whole lot of thread pages. Guess I forgot to catch up at some point and didn't get notifications.

Lorento said:
So, as some of you may know, some authors like to give themselves a logo to stick in the mind.
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Technical term of the day: Monogram.

Ravenor said:
I could swear I have seen that dagger before, not just one like it but that EXACT one.
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Yeah, looks more than a bit like a clip-art job to me. If Tesch commissioned this thing from an artist, she probably got screwed in Wogglebugian manner.

To be fair to Tesch, designing completely unique logos and symbols is an extremely gigantic headache for graphic designers. Come up with a neat new logo all by yourself, the customer loves it, introduce it with great fanfare, 6 months later it turns out it's really similar to a logo used by a porn shop in the 1800s or a mediaeval hobo mark for "gullible people live in this house". Or something.

ManicPixieDreamGirl said:
I love how the grasshopper watches the whole "fight" and bails, as though it is aware of how stupid these actors look in action.
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"All right, this long-ass fight is going nowhere. BORED NOW. BYE."

For The Internet said:
Maya and Joey have been summoned to a place called Tyronia
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Oh, the wonderful feeling of nagging thoughts in my mind finally falling into place. I knew I had heard of this stuff before, but couldn't remember where.
New headcanon:
Tyrannical Tyronia, tyrannised by Tyce. #TYCED
(Also, have you ever noticed how you don't see mermaids and skeletons at the same time?)
 
Tremble, mortals, before the invincible ruler of Tyronia:

image.png
 
I think she's desperate for validation. She might as well get on one of those sugar daddy websites, and stop pretending she's anything but an attractive small-time con woman.
 
I'm struggling to understand what Gloria is aiming for or looking to achieve by say posting a photoshop of her and her family outside a big house she visits on occasion and pretending it's theirs. Is it all just simply done to further feed her ego and delusions that she's more important than she really is or is it actively to impress somebody enough into turning her into some kind of trophy wife?

I just can't see how it furthers her life to convince people she's better off than she is and it confuses me. That's one of the baffling things about Gloria. When she was just a spoiled rich girl being made to believe she was something special by her parents everything felt rather simple but now none of it makes sense.

I just can't see what Gunther has to gain nowadays from pumping money or time and effort into furthering Gloria's various hopeless projects. He's been shrewd enough to essentially con people so he isn't a complete idiot
 
I think her dad thought she was gonna be the next Suzanne Collins. She's probably gonna move on to the next thing that catches her attention. Hasn't she moved to LA? Maybe she's done with her parents and wants to run her own cons, she can probably get a rich idiot to part with some money if he thinks she's his girlfriend.
 
Karen Riley said:
I just can't see how it furthers her life to convince people she's better off than she is and it confuses me. That's one of the baffling things about Gloria. When she was just a spoiled rich girl being made to believe she was something special by her parents everything felt rather simple but now none of it makes sense.
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It's all about convincing the ruling class that has it that you're one of them. It means a lot for a lot of reasons. But in gloria's case I think end goal is asking for investment cash on her projects and then living off it. Even if you're not a con artist getting close to the flow of money and power in your community is smart. Also I think it won't be long before gloria makes porn. Look at how much money the vapid children of upper middle and upper class children get just by knowing a lot of rich people and asking them for patron donations. Like literally enough to live off from. Instead of working all you need to do is friend every non-celebrity billionaire on facebook and announce that you've had some sort of tearjerking crisis.

Maybe trying to snag a rich husband too. If you have money and you believe your partner does too you lower your guard quite a bit.

DrJonesHat said:
I think her dad thought she was gonna be the next Suzanne Collins. She's probably gonna move on to the next thing that catches her attention. Hasn't she moved to LA? Maybe she's done with her parents and wants to run her own cons, she can probably get a rich idiot to part with some money if he thinks she's his girlfriend.
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I have a feeling she never went to LA and that her bahamas trip was a lie too. She obviously didn't go to the bahamas with just a mermaid tail tuna and a bikini top. She posted a pic and then took a few pictures of her hanging out with some friends on the beach. Part of keeping up with appearances is to show that you're jetset and all over the place. It also increases her odds of getting gifted a flight somewhere.

Why is it that she would bother uploading pictures at fun places with lots to do but she doesn't bother taking pictures when she's jammed in an airline seat? Almost everyone takes pictures on airplanes, you have wifi and a phone and nothing else... attention whores doubly so, pictures of her first class seat, pictures of airport dinners, pictures of landing, pictures of the lobby in your all inclusive resort when there are 6 drunks in line between you and finally getting to your room. Not seeing these staples of bored attention whores, just seeing staged pictures of people having fun.
 
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Wes_Iseli said:
I watched some of the video they have on that site about the movie but unless my eyes are mistaken they actually used footage from other movies in it. (The Knight fights etc)

Could it be they used royalty free archive footage and then try to pass it off as their own?
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To be fair they bought it from sites that sell photos and video and I'm sure lots is public domain.
 
The bahamas vacation could pretty well be fake. When I was pulling up the fake instagram photos there was one from "Colorado" that was stolen from another site. If she really went to Colorado, why wouldn't she take her own picture? It was just a picture of some random trees, there was nothing special about it. She carries her DSLR camera around with her but none of the nice, scenic photos are ones she's taken. Maybe some of the ones from around Florida are, but it's doubtful.
There was also a photo stolen from a resort in Florida but she claimed it was a resort in California
She did actually go to Las Vegas though. I'm still trying to figure out what the deal with the private jet was.
 
DykesDykesChina said:
...but unsurprising, they absolutely don't have the resources to film mass scenes such a battles themselves.
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Actually they wouldn't even need to if they used CGI.

Of course CGI costs a pretty penny though.... well maybe lame-o cgi like on the sci-fi channel. surely that'd be affordable. like I dunno have some guys do the scenes for a carton of smokes and a six pack of mountain dew? CERTAINLY daddy could shell out THAT?

what a cheapskate! ;) he doesn't love Gloria nearly enough....

melty said:
The bahamas vacation could pretty well be fake.
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uh-oh.... daddy in trouble with the IRS?

ok i'm done.
 
Wes_Iseli said:
Of course CGI costs a pretty penny though.... well maybe lame-o cgi like on the sci-fi channel. surely that'd be affordable
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I actually got around to watching that trailer today and holy christ is it horrible! The worse thing about it is that it finally convinced me that this all wasn't some extremely elaborate ruse cruise, this is real and this is MOTHERFUCKING MARADONIA!
 
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