💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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Peace and Harmony said:
MOVIE'S NOT DEAD!!!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=4AIEWyOENVw
Closing shot of a grasshopper's ass really clinches the excitement.
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I love how the grasshopper watches the whole "fight" and bails, as though it is aware of how stupid these actors look in action.

Nice elastic band on the back of the neck. At least keep the hood up to maintain the effect. SHEESH.
 
DykesDykesChina said:
And the "half-Gorgon" effect could have been metaphorical... I didn't read this drivel, but don't the two teenagers behave like absolute psychopaths as soon as they are given magic and power in Gloriadonia?
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They do, but Joey displays insane sociopathic behaviour from the start, whereas Maya sort of develops it over time. For example, chapter three of the first book has Joey push his sister into a pool, where she hits her head on the side and knocks herself out, all because she beat up some 'Ugly chicks' in school and got popular because of it. He then laughs as someone jumps in to rescue her. Then he does full damage control and tells her not to tell mum or dad in possibly the most passive aggressive scene in history.

Frankly, I'd say it was a brilliant showing of sociopathic individuals, were it not for the fact that it was done entirely by accident. As for the cover image, it actually comes from a scene where some demons pretend to be good guys, only to transform into ugly ones once the kids fall into the trap (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang eat your heart out.) Guess what, it sucks.
 
Chan the Wizard said:
I thought the picture on the cover was a self-portrait by Gloria.
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No, her mother drew the picture. The woman is also responsible for the terrifying chapter illustrations.


chap 1.png


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trip2themoon said:
Still 125 pages for a young girl with a giant ego is quite a lot.
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It certainly has picked up some steam the last few months after the movie trailer was released and the curtain was pulled on her family's lifestyle.

IJustWantToSeeAttachments said:
No, her mother drew the picture. The woman is also responsible for the terrifying chapter illustrations.


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Chapter 11 is about PT? I love it when the lolcows interact.


Edit: Spelling.
 
The beauty of Maradonia lies not in the story itself, but in its marketing. See, a story can be bad and still sell (See Eragon) but a true lol worthy piece of literature has to fool its audience into believing that its a best seller. Check out the testimonials at the back from true Tesch fans.

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Humbling experience of meeting a teenager. What kind of ego pandering is this?

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I like to think this one is actually Donald Trump.

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English is a bitch, especially when you try and impersonate someone.

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Oh I bet it's making a big difference in your reading kid, no doubt.

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Who describes themselves as an educator?

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:story:

So as you can see, these testimonials are...largely fabricated, to put it mildly. However, the most blatant load of shit here has to be these two in particular.

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So let's make this clear. HER EDITOR WROTE A REVIEW OF THE BOOK THEY WERE WORKING ON! Integrity? What the fuck's that?

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Sorry about the sloppy cut here, the formatting sucks. Anyway, TWO EDITORS! Two editors wrote a review of the book they worked on! I must admit, I was surprised that the series had editors but hey, maybe I judged Tesch wrong. But wait...what's this?

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They got the same person to write TWO REVIEWS for the same series and put them in the same testimonial section. Brilliant.

So, this might seem slightly autistic and nitpicky, but dear lord is this bloody brilliant.
 
Lorento said:
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"Literary enough" Oh yeah, he (if "he" isn't made up entirely) was reaching to not call it "barely readable." I suspect, if this is real, they were pestering some guy at Liberty's Book Press and he figured it'd keep them happy and, therefore, buying.

Lorento said:
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Well, if you just buy the brick version of Gold of Ophir you've got Dragon Riders on the second half.

Speaking of her splitting her books, I looked up to make sure Dragon Riders was the one that was supposed to have split off from Ophir and remembered that oh yeah, Law of Blood is a thing. That's down to less than three hundred pages as opposed to the eight hundred pages the earlier bricks had. Unfortunately it seems the only hard copies are expensive, $25 on Amazon. I checked Valore Books, where I picked up Ophir for a whopping $3 and...first off, holy shit the list price for Law of Blood is $70, but more importantly it seems they found a new publisher:
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God said:
I suspect, if this is real, they were pestering some guy at Liberty's Book Press and he figured it'd keep them happy and, therefore, buying.
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There is no "Liberty's Book Press". Type it into Google -- you'll only get the Maradonia titles. This is just a frontend for the printing-on-demand of Gloria's books made to resemble an actual publisher.
 
Right, I know it was POD, I forgot it wasn't the name of the company.
 
God said:
"Literary enough" Oh yeah, he (if "he" isn't made up entirely) was reaching to not call it "barely readable." I suspect, if this is real, they were pestering some guy at Liberty's Book Press and he figured it'd keep them happy and, therefore, buying.



Well, if you just buy the brick version of Gold of Ophir you've got Dragon Riders on the second half.

Speaking of her splitting her books, I looked up to make sure Dragon Riders was the one that was supposed to have split off from Ophir and remembered that oh yeah, Law of Blood is a thing. That's down to less than three hundred pages as opposed to the eight hundred pages the earlier bricks had. Unfortunately it seems the only hard copies are expensive, $25 on Amazon. I checked Valore Books, where I picked up Ophir for a whopping $3 and...first off, holy shit the list price for Law of Blood is $70, but more importantly it seems they found a new publisher:
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Glory ... Bra?
 
Right. So...as people have already mocked the first book (Or two, depending if you count Escape from the Underworld as seperate) I decided that I will take the plunge into the hell and start to analyse the second book in the Maradonia Saga, The Gold of Ophir. Warning: This post will contain autistic sperging on plot, grammar and plagiarism. In short, like every other post on this damned book.

Before we begin, here's a brief cast list of important characters.

Joey: Sociopath, has Defender, a superweapon and Deux Ex Machina
Maya: Self Insert. Multiple powers, which will develop over the course of the book.
King Genarius: The only likeable good guy.
General Felipe: Traitor and resident Don Quixote impersonater
Captain Henry: Love interest, presumably used as wanking fuel by Tesch
General Goran: Member of the 'Black Tribe'. Need I say more?

Apollyon: Dr Evil knockoff and is pretty good informed.
Abbadon: Determined to catch those ugly creepers
Plouton: Roman God ripoff.
Gertrude: Evil fairy with a habit for exposition.
Ceara: Most beautiful black woman in the Empire.
Other fairy lady: Who gives a shit?

Summary of the Events of the first book.
-Maya and Joey enter Maradonia
-They meet King Astrodolous, who is Jesus
-They free unicorns from Apollyon's captivity and steal his Key to the Underworld
-Big siege outside of the Maradonian capital
-Astrodolous and Abbadon are killed.
-Abbadon is brought back
-Maya and Joey go home

So, that's it. I will reference the first book but frankly this sum up is all you really need, it saves you about forty chapters of boredom.

There's the same prologue from the last book, where Epstein says 9/11 was caused by Apollyon. Because Tesch. Then we have another prologue, where Prince Plouton meets with the Titans and together they plot the downfall of Abbadon. Plouton is jealous of him, which is fine, but the Titans really have beef with Apollyon because he fried one of their friends. It's dull, so let's move on to the first chapter!

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So here we have the picture and the chapter title. I can already tell this is going to be good, Apollyon's chapters are always a treat, a bit like a bad Nicholas Cage film. Anyway, it turns out that our main man is really, really pissed.

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I don't quite know why Tesch thought that the villains referring to our heroes as 'Creepers' would arouse emotion that was not gut wrenching laughter. Combined with the picture, it certainly makes me laugh my arse off. Plus, you can tell he's angry because apprently...

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Uhhhh....

Anyway, ignoring his hate boner for the Creepers, what does Abbadon propose to deal with the little shits? Well, apprently they can't find them and are 'Working on it.' Then more delicious goodness

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I don't know what's better, Apollyon's rage, his demands for Abbadon to look at him or referring to his sworn enemies as 'Nasty Kids.'

I'd also like to point out that Abbadon has only met Maya and Joey once, a distinctly underwhelming encounter because at this point the two were invincible. So it isn't really Abbadon's fault....oh fuck it.
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Now, I appreciate that people love 'Show don't tell' but this is a horrible horrible example. Tesch already showed Apollyon's anger at Abbadon but still insisted on telling us that he's angry. Bad show, Glo-Glo.

So, Plouton speaks up and offers to send two agents to track Maya and Joey down. THis surprises Apollyon, who then muses about his family life. No, I'm not making this up.
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I've never seen that before in a dark lord, so...points to Gloria for that? Plouton outlines his plan, including several cunning and subtle uses of language to show his evilness.
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:story:

Because of course he does. The rest is a boring slugfest of Plouton giving Abbadon the evil eye. Yawn, next time we shall meet up with our friendly sociopaths and see what evil shall befall them!
 
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