TL;DR Goodbye, I'm killing myself.
Long form!
Hey folks,
This is a post that's been a long time coming. 19 years of depression, give or take. It's been long and brutal and full of a lot of tears and angst and it's finally coming to a close. 10 days ago I purchased a shotgun and today, after the required California waiting period, I picked up that shotgun. A few of you have seen me offer up countdowns and references to October 1st at around noon; that was my nod towards this outcome.
I'll be honest, I don't know what to say here. I've turned over the words in my head for a little over a week now and I'm still not sure how to find that balance between "TL;DR" and "here's why I put a 00 buckshot shell into the roof of my mouth".
Initially my plan was to go into detail about my pains, waxing laborious about my struggles with transition (I shouldn't have done it. Not because I'm not trans, but because I didn't have a fraction of the personal strength to succeed at it, unlike some of the amazing trans people I've been privileged to know), my physical struggles (heat sensitivity, and more recently hair loss), or my mental pain (I can't even look at myself in the mirror.). But paragraph after paragraph of whining seemed like a poor way to go out; most of you have had to deal with enough of my bullshit
Instead, I'll say this.. I'm scared as shit, but I think it's going to be better. I don't know what comes next, and that's intimidating. But I've always believed in, well, something. And even if that belief is wrong and there's nothing but blackness waiting for me, it beats living day after day trapped in my own misery. It beats being exhausted... All the time.
I'm scared but I'm excited. There's tears, but under them there's this... giddiness, a spring in my step that I've never had before. All the hurt and the pain and the constant need to compare myself to all the normal people I meet.. That's all *done*.
And that's very cool.
I want to tie this off with an apology to those of you who I've inflicted myself on over the years. Whether it's reading the shit I spew onto Twitter or suffering my vortex of negativity as a colleague, I've been an albatross around the neck of a lot of people I respect and enjoy. To those who tried to befriend me and whose friendships I abandoned and allowed to wither and die, I'm also sorry. I wish I knew how to be a friend, but I just wasn't wired that way.
For these sins and more, I'm sorry. I'm just not a good person.
In any case, thank you to all the wonderful folks I've known over the years. Maybe I'll see you on the other side, maybe not. Either way, all the best and good luck.
Kate
