I often try to address the hetero- and cis-normativity I see and hear when people speak about men and masculinity. It might come across as if I’m saying #notallmen and sometimes I am in truth, but because I think it is at least as important to address the exclusion of queer people as it is misogyny. They’re intrinsically linked, anyway, and many of the queer men/masc people excluded by these statements are also up against misogyny due to their gender, or the gender they were assigned at birth.
When you talk about “men”, and what they should be doing or are currently doing, you’re talking about #allmen. You’re talking about (obviously not an exhaustive list):
- Cis het men
- Cis gay men
- Gay “femme” men
- Gay “masc” men
- Bisexual men
- Black men
- White men
- Trans men
- Pansexual men
- Asexual men
- Disabled men
All men contribute to gender inequality unless they actively commit to eradicating it.
That’s a truthful statement about everyone who identifies as a man or has spent time navigating the world identifying as a cis male because they were assigned that role. It doesn’t show much nuance in how that might manifest differently in a trans woman compared to a cis het man, but at its core, it is a true statement.
A more heteronormative statement would be:
“Men want their partners to…”.
The desired trait or role usually being something which leans on traditional gender norms within heterosexual partnerships. There is certainly a place for arguing that many same gender relationships rely on heteronormative stereotypes and this can mean that you’ll see similar manifestations of ownership towards the more “feminine” party. You’ll see misogyny (internalized or otherwise) in those relationships. But that’s not something considered by the people who talk about #allmen. When they have considered it, they mention it.
To be fair, they might have thought about men like me. “Masc” queer men. Tops. But they haven’t thought about the entire spectrum of manhood. They’re not considering the “femme” cis gay men who seek to imitate a typically heterosexual dynamic within their relationships (often due to their own issues around homosexuality). They’re not even considering about the men who have managed to step away from those conditioned roles we subconsciously adopt and interact as a homosexual, egalitarian couple.
The exclusion of all of these other types of men tells me that even the progressive types sharing these views don’t really see those men as men. Even when those men very much see themselves as men, despite not fitting into society’s expectations or understanding of what makes a man. It tells me that men who meet these conventional standards of masculinity are indeed viewed as the “Real Men”, when perhaps we should be viewed as the “Real Problem”. We are men. They are “X men”: “femme men”, “trans men”. It reinforces cis (het,white) men as the default and all other men as Other. And that doesn’t seem to be a good thing to tell a bunch of people already prone to narcissism.
I think most of us that consider ourselves progressive have some form of alliance with or commitment to Intersectional Feminism where recognizing nuance is fundamental to the movement. Taking a minute to just specify which men you mean won’t nullify your Feminist status (or shouldn’t at least, but yes some will call you a “pick me” for demoting cis het men as the default). It’s inclusive and isolates the problem to the Problematic instead of separating the world into bad men and good people who can never be men. Or worse, ignoring those numerous outliers who are currently rendered superfluous to our cis-heteronormative society.
One that I see often is:
“Men don’t have to worry about their personal safety”
Again, this may be true for gender-conforming men (myself included). But for #allqueermen but especially men who are not gender-conforming, the risk is elevated enough that it is something that we always have to consider. I’m lucky enough to live somewhere liberal. Much of my country is not as safe. We have to consider harm from strangers as well as dates. We even have to think about the set-ups by gay-bashers. Abuse from a partner is at least as common in queer relationships as it is between heterosexual couples.
IPV would be a obvious point of commonality between cis gay men and women. But for some reason, it doesn’t seem to effectively build the bridge that we’d hope. From the outside, you’d think that they’d find common ground as (potential) victims of male violence, but that often involves the cis gay man separating himself from his shared male identity with the perpetrator.
Men find it hard enough to see themselves as victims of anything but their own weakness. So it would seem logical that to assume the victim status and therefore receive the support you need to heal, you’d have to rid yourself of your male identity. As well as deny your observations of IPV within other queer relationships. You can’t just wish your gender identification away. I’m sure many non-cis people have tried in their path to self-acceptance. If you can’t find a common healing ground that doesn’t involve distancing yourself from your male identity and men, then the common ground ceases to exist.
Men (yes #allmen) are prone to this other thing where they really easily say “well I’m a man, but I’ve done the work so I’m not like those men”. And then they become really resistant to the idea that their work needs to be ongoing and that new things will pop up and they still have to show the same decorum they used back then to learn how to do even better than they are. Humility is still their best friend.
Healthy vs Toxic masculinity seems to be a more successful bridge between #allmen and women. Discussing the confinement of living in a cis-heteronormative man’s world; mono-normativity and how it harms even the monogamous; how we all work to hold up the patriarchy coming from the place of a people who admit their own self-work is far from complete. And yes, how our subscribed gender roles work to enforce the status quo to everyone’s detriment.
A more nuanced conversation would make it easier for people to recognize all their men in their lives in these statements so we can check ourselves and check each other. Only when we do that, can we commit to being better than we are.
