DC Comics Multimedia General - A crisis of infinite fuck ups

[el bandito loco]

Bros... we were robbed of Baykino.

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Unironically, it would have ruled. Extreme high stakes scifi plot, insane action, bright saturated colors, Superman carrying the American flag leading the military in a battle, actually hot women, definitely would have gotten Sawyer/Turpin and the SCU, probably would have gotten Bibbo as our comic relief, script seemingly written by a 14 year old nerd who wants to be a jock hopped up on cocaine and comic books, would have looked like 2 billion dollars being vomited on the screen, 100% would have got Krypto but would have been a bad ass space wolf or something, we were robbed.

He definitely would have given us a more post crisis or Lois & Clark style Clark too. Bay would not stick us with pathetic bumbling dumb shit Clark Kent. @Humble Architect Pain & Gain Marky Mark with a mustache for Steve Lombard, playing a mix of that and a PG13 and goofy version of the dude he played in The Departed.

 

[Humble Architect]

Bro, Michael Bay Lois would call Clark and Jimmy queers and that would be the introduction to her. Clark is staring off into space and the reflection is broken by Lois yelling, “Kent, get Olsen’s cock out of your mouth and help me cover the Luthor gala.”

Lex would be coked out of his skull, like his character would be the Wolf of Wall Street version of Lex combined with Tom Cruise from Tropic Thunder.

Michael Bay Superman would ride that limit of PG-13 and it’d be fucking glorious. The Kents would be the Transformers parents and you just know he’d get a really big old name to be Jor-El, like Kurt Russell.

It’d be also be like almost three hours too so that’s your day right there, just three hours of everything great about the west. We were robbed so bad, that would’ve brought Supes back to the top.

 

[XYZpdq Jr.]

>tfw no Bayperman of him just kicking nerds into the dick into the sun for an hour and a half while the US Army stands nearby and cheers

 

[Xenomorphs Are Cute]

Bros... we were robbed of Baykino.

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"My kino, is what those jews have taken from me."

Also, I would like to remind everyone that Bay (amongst many others) was also in line to do a Lobo live-action film too during the DCEU era.

 

[Humble Architect]

It’d be worth it alone just for the schizophrenic casting decisions, like that cast list would leak and nobody would be able to tell who’s gonna be who, with the exception of Henry (you know Bay would’ve taken one look at post-wall Amy Adams and said “fuck no”) and Terry Crews as John Henry of course.

Like I could see the more divorced a character is from what the masses think of with Supes, the more free-reign he’d have to make them his usual fucking deranged and neurotic side characters. The Daily Planet crew outside Lois and Clark would be complete mental patients, the Kents would be that most cliche Kansas couple (Pa Kent would be a cowboy-hat wearing Yellowstone reject and Ma Kent would have an absurdly attractive actress) and the villain would be one of the big ones, no buildup shit, here comes Brainiac.

Plus, you know they wouldn’t resist getting all that licensed music to play during the big fight.

 

[Newcomer 42]

Don't forget, you wouldn't be able to see shit during the combat scenes due to the camera going crazy. Also, everything would explode, including Superman punching someone.

 

[The Nothingness]

Lex would be coked out of his skull, like his character would be the Wolf of Wall Street version of Lex combined with Tom Cruise from Tropic Thunder.

And Mercy Graves would likely be played by a hot model-turned-actress.

 

[Humble Architect]

Don't forget, you wouldn't be able to see shit during the combat scenes due to the camera going crazy. Also, everything would explode, including Superman punching someone.

There would be a first-person “Superman cam” and it would put the Bayhem to shame, cause it’d be while Superman is doing something crazy like fighting the Warworld, not Mongul, not the arena, the planet itself.

And Mercy Graves would likely be played by a hot model-turned-actress.

Every woman main character would be A-tier and the actors playing the Kents would probably be no more than ten years older than Henry.

“We went with colourblind casting with the Kents and I really think that Josh and Salma captured that “average Kansas couple” feel. We also got a kick out of Josh being in three of these comic universes.”

Pa Kent would be introduced finding Clark’s pod on horseback and would light up a cigar while giving Clark advice.

 

[Overly Serious]

There would be a first-person “Superman cam” and it would put the Bayhem to shame, cause it’d be while Superman is doing something crazy like fighting the Warworld, not Mongul, not the arena, the planet itself.

Now I'm picturing some super-fast, blur effect tunnel vision camera work tearing up a street and then smashing through layers of concrete. Fucking Hell - I never knew I wanted a Michael Bay Superman movie until this thread.

Pa Kent would be introduced finding Clark’s pod on horseback and would light up a cigar while giving Clark advice.

He'd be a vet. The military kind, not the sick puppy kind. You'd see a flag pole with the Stars and Stripes in front of the farm and when the pod crashed there'd be a chase scene in his humvee to get Baby Superman away from the government agents who came to investigate the crash site.

And Mercy Graves would likely be played by a hot model-turned-actress.

Hell yeah she would! I'm picturing Ana de Armas with machine guns for arms!

 

[Humble Architect]

Now I'm picturing some super-fast, blur effect tunnel vision camera work tearing up a street and then smashing through layers of concrete. Fucking Hell - I never knew I wanted a Michael Bay Superman movie until this thread.


He'd be a vet. The military kind, not the sick puppy kind. You'd see a flag pole with the Stars and Stripes in front of the farm and when the pod crashed there'd be a chase scene in his humvee to get Baby Superman away from the government agents who came to investigate the crash site.


Hell yeah she would! I'm picturing Ana de Armas with machine guns for arms!

Or they’d do the originally planned Post Crisis origin, with Lara being in the pod with Kal and handing him off to the Kents because the kryptonite embedded in the pod was killing her. Just to get another hottie in the movie and to make Pa Kent even more of a badass motherfucker, quietly burying the dead alien on his farm and being stoic as hell. It’d be like Supes was raised by Clint Eastwood.

You just know that it’d be the opposite of the Gunn shit too, no guests, Superman is top of the food chain and Superman would make the past Zod kills look tame, he’d go all Optimus on whoever the villian would be or drag them kicking and screaming to the Phantom Zone.

“I don’t interfere in politics Ms Lane, but if someone is hurting people, I’ll step in, doesn’t matter if it’s here or across the world.”

 

[el bandito loco]

You just know that it’d be the opposite of the Gunn shit too, no guests, Superman is top of the food chain and Superman would make the past Zod kills look tame, he’d go all Optimus on whoever the villian would be or drag them kicking and screaming to the Phantom Zone.

there might be guests but I guarantee you they wouldn't be belittling Superman or mucking up his movie but instead in awe of him as the other DC heroes (outside of maybe Batman who's essentially his only actual peer and closest friend) should be. In his Transformers the way the other Autobots revere Optimus as their leader and the best of them, that's how he'd handle Superman (and anyone with any actual understanding of the character would).

I said somewhere else in this thread that if I was in charge of DC the JLA movies would basically just be bayformers on meth and acid and that kind of action anf large scale shit is what I'm talking about. They'd made the Avengers movies look like toddlers in a sandbox when it comes to action.

the action and violence is sort of my biggest worry about Superman because all these retards talk about him like he's some sort of pacifist or some shit. which he doesn't wander around indiscriminately killing people and I probably wouldn't want that, but he's also always been kind of a hot head rush in and whoop ass character. he's not only a reactionary force either. He's a dude from bumfuck nowhere Kansas.

as a dude from bumfuck nowhere Kansas, although I don't really have anything positive to say about the following issues of it outside of bringing back Lori Lamaris was an inspired choice, Frank Miller's Superman Year One's first issue is the single best Smallville period depiction of the origin I've ever seen and I've seen all of them. His Pa Kent is the most accurate to what he would be and exactly what they wasted Costner not having him do. Clark's complaining about bullies and shit as a kid and Pa basically tells him, if talking doesn't work you fuck em up. don't hurt em too bad but they'll think twice about fucking with people.

 

[Humble Architect]

It’s really amazing how much isn’t known about Superman by the normals, his lone-wolf streak being so much worse than Batman’s, his hotheaded stubbornness and his general willingness to zero threats or, arguably worse, drag them kicking and screaming to his private prison.

His vigilantism is more aggressive than Batman’s but he’s just more presentable and nice in his way of going about it and the targets are usually aliens or so far removed from humanity that it’s more acceptable.

He’ll try to appeal to the better nature, but if someone is that level of irredeemable garbage and just consistently hurts people and makes the world worse then he’ll put them down.

DC would never allow it but I believe Superman is the type who would kill the most heinous of not-super but still heinous criminals like spree killers or rapists, he wouldn’t enjoy it, he wouldn’t draw it out like a Frank Castle or Rorschach but he would do it. That would honestly be a good “end of the early years” moment where Superman kills a normal human who’s just as vile as a Brainiac or Mongul.

It’s that Golden Age, “Damn the rules I’m doing the right thing,” mindset that I like him to have, to not be a slave to law that oftentimes doesn’t work.

 

[el bandito loco]

@Humble Architect I've always held firm to the belief I think that if The Joker just did the shit he does every Thursday in Gotham in Metropolis Superman would kill him or put him in the zone and he'd never be heard from again and Clark would probably just forget he existed and that it even happened.

I think the only reason he doesn't go over there and kill him anyways is because he knows Bruce and Joker are fags and his buddy would never forgive him for killing his evil boyfriend.

I've always thought that about Superman though he wouldn't just kill people and would try not to but at a certain point he'd understand as well as anyone sometimes you've got to put down a sick animal.

 

[XYZpdq Jr.]

@Humble Architect I've always held firm to the belief I think that if The Joker just did the shit he does every Thursday in Gotham in Metropolis Superman would kill him or put him in the zone and he'd never be heard from again and Clark would probably just forget he existed and that it even happened.

I think the only reason he doesn't go over there and kill him anyways is because he knows Bruce and Joker are fags and his buddy would never forgive him for killing his evil boyfriend.

I've always thought that about Superman though he wouldn't just kill people and would try not to but at a certain point he'd understand as well as anyone sometimes you've got to put down a sick animal.

supes starts bug eyed pissed glowering at asshole
"lmao what's the boy scout's problem, you look like you're trying to stare a hole through me"
"I'm not _trying_"
(pop)

 

[Humble Architect]

@Humble Architect I've always held firm to the belief I think that if The Joker just did the shit he does every Thursday in Gotham in Metropolis Superman would kill him or put him in the zone and he'd never be heard from again and Clark would probably just forget he existed and that it even happened.

I think the only reason he doesn't go over there and kill him anyways is because he knows Bruce and Joker are fags and his buddy would never forgive him for killing his evil boyfriend.

I've always thought that about Superman though he wouldn't just kill people and would try not to but at a certain point he'd understand as well as anyone sometimes you've got to put down a sick animal.

I mean he (hilariously) did send a crooked cop to the gas chamber in the animated series.

When Superman has decided you need to die, then there’s a point of no return that has been crossed and there were all the opportunities to stop.

supes starts bug eyed pissed glowering at asshole
"lmao what's the boy scout's problem, you look like you're trying to stare a hole through me"
"I'm not _trying_"
(pop)

My favorite beam kill was the Stalin death in the shitty Red Son movie, the two narrow beams punch through the body and the heat from that vaporizes the rest of him. That was the best change to the story, rest of that film completely missed the point of the comic.

 

[el bandito loco]

I've actually held onto this for a long time but I've always had an idea for a Superman story where essentially the Conduit or some other dork with actual personal ties to Clark Kent puts Superman in a catch 22 and Superman would just kill him on live television in front of the whole world. He'd probably have been Superman a few years or something not like year two but not like year eight.

then Superman disappears. flat vanishes. a month goes by and Batman is in the arctic to visit the fortress and finds Superman looking like a sad bitch sitting on a chair and is talking to him and basically like listen Clark who gives a shit, you know I dream of strangling that goddamn clown while I laugh in his face every single time I sleep but the difference between us is you don't dream about shit like that and that's why it's okay blah blah blah.

and over the course of this conversation batman slowly starts to realize that Clark isn't paying any fucking attention to him and its because he's still out being Superman just being a red blue blur so he's like fucking off between batmans sentences or blinks or something and coming back. stopping a car crash, catching a falling person, saving an endangered animal by melting a poachers gun, whatever but all in the blinks. and that's what he's actually been doing for a month.

then batman would be like are you even fucking listening and he'd basically be like yeah Bruce I am thanks it's time to come back or whatever and then tell them how frustrated he was because he's spent so long making humanity feel safe around him and like he'd never hurt them he's one of them but now all of that felt like it flew out the window because they had to see that. But at the end of the day it doesn't matter. Because Bruce is right he did the right thing, and he doesn't enjoy it but he made the hard decision and that's his role as Superman is to do that, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks and continuing to save the day only from the shadows he might still be a hero but that's the cowards way out instead of doubling down on what he did as right and dealing with whatever public consequences come from it.

 

[The Nothingness]

I've always thought that about Superman though he wouldn't just kill people and would try not to but at a certain point he'd understand as well as anyone sometimes you've got to put down a sick animal.

Looking back at the final episode of the animated series he could have laid waste to Darkseid's Elite after learning he was brainwashed to attack Earth, but he chose not to since he though defeating Darkseid in battle would result in Apokolips' populace disposing him (and we saw how that turned out).

 

[Humble Architect]

Supes is from that era where it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for a regular Joe to be willing to roll up the sleeves and go beat the fuck out of that neighbor who’s hitting his wife, that guy where nobody can prove it but everyone knows. Superman the Animated series was very strong with that vibe, despite it’s faults, Clark’s characterization was very on-point. He’s a good man trying his best, but don’t think for a second that means he’s soft.

Once he starts to be free from DC’s cucked politics, there’s gonna be a lot of slop, but I think a lot of people will be able to do something really great with the Man of Steel.

 

[el bandito loco]

this is Superman. no idea why people don't understand it. this is the best example I can think of it covers the whole character in a couple pages.

 

[Newcomer 42]

I've always held firm to the belief I think that if The Joker just did the shit he does every Thursday in Gotham in Metropolis Superman would kill him or put him in the zone and he'd never be heard from again and Clark would probably just forget he existed and that it even happened.

He has done that, and promptly gone crazy due to that or a related event, like the Injustice AU games. I would say throwing creeps into the Phantom Zone and forgetting about them would be a good way to avoid Supes becoming a killer.
Also, Bats early on killed people too, or at least let them die or killed them indirectly (or outright locked someone into a room to starve him to death).