This thread got me thinking about what a Ralpharetrospective would truly be like. While most of his associates these days are mainly just nasty little shit disturbers, Ralph himself is quite the character as evidenced by the size of this very forum. Thus I bothered to put together a full soundtrack which is biased towards more recent events as I'm a bit of a newfag. It assumes a quick ending from where we are, not because it's so likely (though neither is it so unlikely) but rather that it needs to have an ending.
1. Straight to Hell by Great Big Sea--Matches Ralph's personality by having a positive, upbeat sound while detailing the major themes of his life: short-term planning and giving in to temptation.
2. Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd--Represents the happy years of Ralph's childhood in the American South, when he was free of substance dependency and part of an intact nuclear family.
3. Too Bad by Nickelback--Ronnie leaves and arguably Ralph never recovers.
4. DUI by The Offspring--References not just Ralph's drunk driving conviction specifically but also the freedom he now has to try out the addiction-prone personality his daddy gave him.
5. Game On by The Guild--Ralph becomes a gamergate icon and also finds his subcontinental princess.
6. Fat by Weird Al Yankovic--Gunt photo/scandal. Arguably the beginning of Ralph's infamy.
7. Miami by Will Smith--Miami trip and all that that entails. Nora divorces him over his frequent visits to prostitutes. This marks the beginning of his "Vegas period" of hedonistic trip-taking.
8. Corn by Blake Shelton--Null makes a simple, seemingly innocuous joke which causes Ralph to reveal a psyche of questionable integrity. Another of the milestones Ralphologists look to when Seethin' Reethan still had the potential to screw his head on straight and get his affairs in order, perhaps the final one.
9. Seventeen by Winger--Faith shows up fresh from her high school prom and Ralph will later brag about cooming inside of her hundreds of times without protection.
10. With Arms Wide Open by Creed--Faith finds out she is pregnant. All is well in the Ralphadomicile...
11. Thunder Rolls by Garth Brooks--Until a few hours later when they go to a party and Ralph cheats on the teenaged mother-of-his-child-to-be with Pantsu Party, a failed weeb internet personality most notable for her avowed attraction to sexualized drawings of little girls. While American broken homes are typically initiated by the woman, this case is an exception with Faith wanting to be a family and Ralph more concerned with plotting out hot threesomes. Faith checks out.
12. National Anthem by The Republic of Portugal--Ralph goes to Portugal and gets beat up.
13. Tear in My Beer by Hank Williams--While drunk/high Ralph breaks down during an encounter with Jim Metokur after Jim, perhaps the only fellow streamer he admired, made fun of him for having his 800 dollar Armani purse stolen in Portugal. It's likely that Ralph was reliving emotions not felt since childhood when Ronnie left.
14. Drift King by Club Doom--Ralph holds the Killstream Kingpin in Dallas, Tx on April 2, 2022 which is arguably the peak event of his life both by the standards of Kiwi Farms and Ralph himself. This track provides us with the exhilaration it must have felt like to be the Ralphamale at that point in time while managing to both be an homage to fellow top-tier lolcow Cyrax and also to save us the ordeal of having to listen to his awful vocals/mixing.
15. Feel it Still by Portugal. The Man--Ralph goes to Portugal again and gets beat up again.
16. Beer in Mexico by Kenny Chesney--Ralph escapes the pressures of his homeland and moves to Merida, Yucatan which is often rated as one of the best places to live in North America. Oh, yeah, he also has a daughter by this point.
17. Codeine by Trampled by Turtles--The man starts by taking the pills and the pills end by taking the man. Xanax becomes more of a lead actor in Ralph's life, taking center stage during the now-strained relationship with his in-laws. Despite public intoxication being a rare phenomenon prior to 2023, Ralph is visibly drunk and/or high for virtually every single stream from his marriage in January until late April, including court appearances. Pantsu plays the doting wife on-camera but seems to hold more sway behind the scenes, trying to get Ralph to commit to a "sober spring."
18. Amanda by Boston--Pantsu has enough and gets gone. Ralph begs her to return and claims to have turned over a new leaf. (You are here.)
19. Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley--Any relapse will probably include long periods of Ralph feeling sorry for himself but will hopefully also lead to more entertaining content.
20. Gotterdammerung Finale by Richard Wagner--Who knows how it will end but fire is as good a guess as any. If Ralph still has his truck he crashes it somewhere.
21. Blue Sky and the Devil by Trampled by Turtles--Nothing special for the ending, just a simple rumination. Ralph seems like a guy with whom it would be nice to share a non-superficial chat at a clean bar but if he could do it over the same things would probably happen.
