🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
In about five minutes, I'll start. Do know that the result could be rough, but quality isn't the point of this. The point is to see how far I can go.
 
Connor Bible said:
Hey guys. It's your favorite self-loathing, sexist, disrespectful asshole from South Carolina. I'm feeling fine today, in a Connor sort of way. At least I'm not thinking about death. It's a long, difficult road to become a confident, considerable, respectful member of society. I'm starting to realize that. I'm seriously considering asking my parents about volunteer work or maybe some minimum wage job. The money isn't that important, when you think about it.
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Connor Bible said:
It's been festering in my mind for weeks, if not months. I'm going to ask them.
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Not to shit on you so early, Connor, but we've heard this all before. Multiple times. I really hope you do take the initiative, by I can't say I'm optimistic.

Also stop necro-rating my master powerlevel post "powerlevel" ya fuckin spastics this was back several hundred pages ago when I foolishly thought Connor would listen to advice/be able to count his blessings if he knew what a lot of us have gone through :(

EDIT: GODDAMMIT YA SPASTICS YOU GUYS SUCK
 
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Connor Bible said:
When they get off work this evening, I'll have a talk with both of them. I'm unhappy with the way my life is, and I absolutely, positively need to change if I want to be anything.
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You're like 20. Most of us were total shit at 20 ourselves. I don't assume you have a heavy debt load, you DEFINITELY don't have any STDs and you don't have a prison record. In some respects you're doing pretty good, you just need to stop nursing off your Mom's tit and get out there.

I think plenty of us were just like you at some point. <powerlevel>I was a whiny, lazy bitch too when I was 14-15, but I got a job and I had a boss work my ass silly.</powerlevel> Maybe you need a big black man in your life to tell you what to do like I did. I actually think you'll be fine. Maybe you'll get lucky and your parents will become incapacitated and won't be able to wait on you hand and foot and you'll have to go out and work for the family.
 
I bet Connor will still be blaming his lack of progress on his mother thirty years from now when he's keeping her moldy corpse in the cellar like Norman Bates.
 
Smutley said:
I don't think they were as influential towards his ideas. Neither were critically acclaimed and most likely came out after he saw Silence of the Lambs.

View attachment 47723

The red splotches are movies that I'm certain Connor hasn't seen in their entirety, if at all. The reason for this is, in November of 2013 he was still on suicide watch and his parents were limiting his internet and movie watching activities. In the past his mother has refused to let him watch scary movies because of how he gets. If you'll notice the movies he really wants to like all have pop culture references that the average person might know - "new flesh", the maggot birth, "this was a violent movie" and HAL. The others don't even get a blurb.

Yes, he could have watched Cannibal Holocaust, Tetsuo, Eraserhead, and Tenebre on YouTube... and I suppose he could have snuck in a viewing of those Cronenberg movies, but come on. It took him five years to watch Juno, there's no way he sat through 2001 which opens with 30 minutes without dialog.
View attachment 47725
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The only movie on that list that's even remotely scary is Alien. The rest are mostly entertaining, but not scary. What a pussy.
 
This is going to be my fairly considerate nugget of kindness, @Connor Bible ; you get even a minimum wage job and your parents are going to be impressed.
 
BOLDYSPICY! said:
Not to shit on you so early, Connor, but we've heard this all before. Multiple times. I really hope you do take the initiative, by I can't say I'm optimistic.
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Smutley said:
Even diamonds start out as coal dude, you can do it!
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I swear every time @Smutley & I post in succession it's like
goodcopbadcop.png

I am also apparently too sick to art properly today.
 
Okay, so I wrote for forty minutes. Still, I do have 507 words. I think I have something here.


For about a minute, Josh Peters couldn’t believe his eyes. Across the street, through the blinds, he could see Shane Miller actually coming out into the sunlight.

Ever since he moved to the neighborhood when he started college, Josh got the impression that Shane was… well, off. Seeing him in the summer rays was almost an oxymoron. Regularly, Shane looked frail, almost anemic, and wasn’t really a sucker for conversation. A groundhog staying in its hole, in a sense.

What really caught Josh’s eye was the fact that Shane was smiling to himself as he pushed his pushed his lawnmower. From inside, Josh could hear the local kids giggling, playing, farting around.

It wasn’t just Shane. The whole neighborhood was like something straight out of The Twilight Zone. The thought was in the back of Josh’s mind, ever since he left the nest at twenty and got a job at Fulci’s Italian Restaurant. The job, surprisingly, paid well. Mr. Fulci was unusually generous.

Josh sipped on a can of Mountain Dew, and burped. He let go of the blind, and walked back to the living room recliner. The HDTV was set to the local news. In the past few months he’d been here, he was surprised at the incredibly low crime rate. In Savannah, his old hometown, there were multiple shootings every night, either for really trivial reasons or for no reason at all.

At the very least, he wouldn’t have to worry about being shot at random. Everyone in the vicinity of his house were too chipper for that.

Now, Shane Miller became one of those people. Damn Pollyannas, he thought.

Josh considered himself a realist and pragmatist. He had no real expectations, or higher ambitions. He never wanted to make a difference; he merely wanted to be average, and survive. Whatever worked best for him was the option that worked. He believed in the bottom line, with no frills.

Wondering what was on, he changed the channel. Genocyber was on. He remembered it from his days at the video store in his youth, renting anime every weekend to make himself look cool. He kicked that habit; it actually made him look like a total dork.

On screen, human entrails dangle from the ceiling of a dark hospital corridor, intercut with a nurse’s head falling off and rolling on the floor. Josh remembered watching this alone one night, when his parents were asleep. He didn’t sleep until morning.

There was a knocking on his door. Not wanting to disgust whoever it was with sounds of abject suffering and violence, he changed it back to the news.

Josh opened the door, and saw that it was Mrs. Moss. “Hello there, Josh!” Her voice was positively beaming.

“Oh, hi,” Josh replied.

“You look zoned out. Did you just wake up?”

Josh hesitated, and felt his messy scalp. “Uh, yeah, not too long ago. I was just watching TV,” he said. He looked over Mrs. Moss’s right shoulder, and he could see that Shane was still mowing. Still smiling.
 
Connor Bible said:
Okay, so I wrote for forty minutes. Still, I do have 507 words. I think I have something here.


For about a minute, Josh Peters couldn’t believe his eyes. Across the street, through the blinds, he could see Shane Miller actually coming out into the sunlight.

Ever since he moved to the neighborhood when he started college, Josh got the impression that Shane was… well, off. Seeing him in the summer rays was almost an oxymoron. Regularly, Shane looked frail, almost anemic, and wasn’t really a sucker for conversation. A groundhog staying in its hole, in a sense.

What really caught Josh’s eye was the fact that Shane was smiling to himself as he pushed his pushed his lawnmower. From inside, Josh could hear the local kids giggling, playing, farting around.

It wasn’t just Shane. The whole neighborhood was like something straight out of The Twilight Zone. The thought was in the back of Josh’s mind, ever since he left the nest at twenty and got a job at Fulci’s Italian Restaurant. The job, surprisingly, paid well. Mr. Fulci was unusually generous.

Josh sipped on a can of Mountain Dew, and burped. He let go of the blind, and walked back to the living room recliner. The HDTV was set to the local news. In the past few months he’d been here, he was surprised at the incredibly low crime rate. In Savannah, his old hometown, there were multiple shootings every night, either for really trivial reasons or for no reason at all.

At the very least, he wouldn’t have to worry about being shot at random. Everyone in the vicinity of his house were too chipper for that.

Now, Shane Miller became one of those people. Damn Pollyannas, he thought.

Josh considered himself a realist and pragmatist. He had no real expectations, or higher ambitions. He never wanted to make a difference; he merely wanted to be average, and survive. Whatever worked best for him was the option that worked. He believed in the bottom line, with no frills.

Wondering what was on, he changed the channel. Genocyber was on. He remembered it from his days at the video store in his youth, renting anime every weekend to make himself look cool. He kicked that habit; it actually made him look like a total dork.

On screen, human entrails dangle from the ceiling of a dark hospital corridor, intercut with a nurse’s head falling off and rolling on the floor. Josh remembered watching this alone one night, when his parents were asleep. He didn’t sleep until morning.

There was a knocking on his door. Not wanting to disgust whoever it was with sounds of abject suffering and violence, he changed it back to the news.

Josh opened the door, and saw that it was Mrs. Moss. “Hello there, Josh!” Her voice was positively beaming.

“Oh, hi,” Josh replied.

“You look zoned out. Did you just wake up?”

Josh hesitated, and felt his messy scalp. “Uh, yeah, not too long ago. I was just watching TV,” he said. He looked over Mrs. Moss’s right shoulder, and he could see that Shane was still mowing. Still smiling.
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this is horrible
 
You are aware that just because something is dark and edgy doesn't make it good right? In addition I might add your character dialogue is wooden as fuck.
 
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