As he wondered he was attacked by a group of sociopathic Zoobats. They swarmed around his head threatening to attack his face as he batted them away. Each one screaming in the pokemon language "catch me catch me". Being triggered Connor started to flail his arms at them. It was not very effective.
At this moment Connor began to panic, he had no idea what to do in this situation and he wished he was at home jacking it to Molay. Then a voice, as if out of nowhere said "Fucking throw out a pokemone you faggot. Fight for yourself." It was his sociopathic pokedex telling him to do literally what everyone has been telling him to do.
"Fine, I'll do it if it helps me be a successful trainer" Connor shouted, thinking that doing one thing would make his pokedex respect him. Connor sends out his Charmander and commands it to use ember, weakening the zoobat enough for connor to throw out the ultra ball he was carrying (because regular pokeballs are too hard to catch things with, and you expect him to be good instantly?) and capture the Zoobat.
"Finally" the pokedex says "do that a couple more times and train your pokemon and you may be as good as anyone else one day"...
There was a long pause.
A very long pause as Connor stares menacingly at the pokedex.
"YOU EXPECT ME TO TRAIN LIKE SOME SOCIOPATH SO I CAN BE GOOD? I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET A CHARIZARD RIGHT AWAY ALONG WITH ANY POKEMONE I WANT. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CATCH TERRIBLE POKEMON LIKE THIS ZOOBAT." and for the next hour or so Connor spazzed out, walking through the cave and stumbling upon what appeared to be an illegal operation.
time for team kiwi
I'm no good at writing, and I never played Red and Blue (super sad I know), but yknow I guess this is worth a shot.
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"Hey, kid! You aren't supposed to be here, you little twerp!" said the man in black uniform with an
R on it like he thought he was such hot shit. He shoved Connor out of the way oh-so-impolitely.
Connor was not a man who took any crap from anybody. This transgression brought out something of the animal in him, and he mustered more courage than he ever thought possible.
I can do this, he thought,
because I'm Connor Bible! He began to hit the man weakly with his body angled away, hoping that years of chronic masturbation had strengthened his forearms. "Stop shoving me. You can't shove people," he said sagely. Unfortunately the sociopathic grunt had clearly never learned his manners, and shoved him harder.
"Didn't get the hint, spastic?" he said. He tossed his Pokéball and threw out an Ekans.
Connor asked the Pokédex what an Ekans is.
"It's a fucking snake."
"What
kind of snake?" Connor whined.
"A poison snake. Don't use Bulbasaur, okay? Do you want me to hold your hand for you?"
"Yes, actually. That would be good." Connor liked the idea of holding hands, especially with a girl, like Molly Ringwald. Even though the Pokédex didn't actually have a gender, he liked to think that the Pokédex was a girl because in the movies girls who are rude to you at first are the ones who will become your girlfriend.
After a beat, the Pokédex replies. "That was sarcasm, Connor."
"Well, my autism makes it difficult for me to understand sarcasm," he said calmly and reasonably.*
by that I mean "wailed nasally like a little bitch" The Pokédex could never know this, but Connor was secretly indignant. That machine was so ableist. He could not have her take away his manhood.
The Team Rocket grunt did not hear this conversation, but grew increasingly impatient and was yelling at Connor to make a move. He threw up his hands and chose a random Pokémon, which happened to be Charmander.
Charmander knew immediately that he wasn't a match for Ekans. He knew he would get a beating, and that made him dislike Connor even more. In those few moments of consciousness he prepared himself for what was to come. He spread his arms wide open as if accepting death (and escaping from the presence of Connor if only for a few minutes). The Ekans used Poison Fang on him, and he just fell over without putting up a fight.
Connor was outraged about this. Charmander was only useful for lighting cigarettes like the one in his avatar—it was too bad he didn't smoke. Connor's parents definitely would not approve of him smoking, or drinking, or doing the weed. There was a lot that they didn't approve of. They said shamelessly callous things to him like "Connor, you should stop talking about writing, and actually start writing." He hated them; he was so glad that he was out of their house now.
By a stroke of luck Connor had Bulbasaur as a second Pokémon, although Bulbasaur's Grass-type moves wouldn't be effective against Ekans. Bulbasaur had a different coping strategy for dealing with the inevitable. While being mauled, he would think of pleasurable things like playing mahjong and long walks in the Viridian Forest. He thought about a time when he had both eyes, and could roam free the land that Mother Arceus had set aside just for him, and perhaps meet a lady Bulbasaur to mate with. This trainer had taken all that from him and gave absolutely nothing in return.
Bulbasaur pretended to faint, which caused Connor to withdraw him because he was "exceptional". Connor ran away from the battle and raced to the nearest Pokémon Center to heal his Pokémon, but mostly to eye the foxy Nurse Joy.
