🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
I managed to write something today. It's only 409 words, but its a start. It all came off the top of my head, too.

"According to the website TV Tropes, Sturgeon’s Law (a maxim attributed to science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon) says that ninety percent of everything is crap, but that the remaining ten percent is worthwhile. Applying Sturgeon’s Law to the world of fiction writing, this means that of the one hundred percent of works published, only a small portion has a strong chance of making an impact on the hearts and minds of readers. The more pessimistic variations on Sturgeon’s Law go so far as to say that only one percent of fiction is actually good, or even outright state that the totality of fiction is terrible.

Let us look at this optimistically. Suppose a fiction writer toils for several years, churning out short stories, novels, novellas, scripts, and so on. This is what everyone with aspirations of being a fiction writer should do. They should write and write and write. Life will get in the way, obligations hovering over your shoulder with stubborn impatience. Your concentration, diligence, and confidence will face challenges. “Do I have what it takes?” you will ask yourself. “Is fiction writing really for me?” you will wonder. Let me tell you something, buddy: everyone, and I mean everyone, has some story to tell. I am about to turn twenty-one in a few days. From elementary school to today, I have written the first draft of a novel, two storybooks, and a ten-page manuscript, as well as numerous essays and articles and editorials throughout my life in public school. Do they hold up to my present standards in retrospect? No, but at the very least, they exist outside of my skull.

“Writers write,” as a man named Stephen King from Bangor, Maine, put it so tersely and so poignantly in his memoir On Writing. The man has been at it since his youth, and has been a bestselling master of horror and suspense for roughly forty years. The volume of his published work has been gargantuan, but in reality, it is probably much bigger, because for every one of Stephen King’s terrifying tales, there exists dozens that may never see the light of day. Perhaps they were beneath his standards. Perhaps they were not bankable. Perhaps some were just too disturbing. Perhaps all three could apply. Whatever the case, the fact remains that Stephen King has plenty of tenacity to persevere in his writing, knowing that the finished manuscript before him might not see the light of day..."
 
You've got a long way to go before you can bask in your own glory, Connor. Have you read through all the advice @The Knife gave you?

Can you show us the resume?
 
Connor said:
I'm pretty much done with it. It's not even a page long, but fuck, it's something.
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That's really good. Try to finish it today, it'll give you a good sense of accomplishment, even if it doesn't seem all that impressive.

Have you considered maybe offering your services as a dog walker in your neighborhood? Taking other people's dogs out for a walk (an hour long walk) will showcase that you are capability of responsibility and give you the added bonus of spending an hour outside moving around. Lots of people would be happy to know that their dog is getting some much needed exercise that they might not be able to give all the time. Assuming you like and can handle dogs, that is.
 
@Connor, why not take a literature class?
Connor said:
According to the website TV Tropes
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TVTropes is worse than wikipedia in terms of reliability. Any website where you can login to edit content can not be considered a reliable source in an academic or professional setting. Ever. You can use the information on the website, but always cite a more reliable source.

Edit: That resume is hilarious. Best joke you've made. Try volunteering, it will give you a purpose if you let it.
 
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Shiala said:
Have you considered maybe offering your services as a dog walker in your neighborhood? Taking other people's dogs out for a walk (an hour long walk) will showcase that you are capability of responsibility and give you the added bonus of spending an hour outside moving around. Lots of people would be happy to know that their dog is getting some much needed exercise that they might not be able to give all the time. Assuming you like and can handle dogs, that is.
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I have a Belgian Tervuren that I love very much, but I guess it depends on the dog's temperament. By the way, my mom asked me about volunteering at my local library soon.
 
Connor said:
I managed to write something today. It's only 409 words, but its a start. It all came off the top of my head, too.

"According to the website TV Tropes, Sturgeon’s Law (a maxim attributed to science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon) says that ninety percent of everything is crap, but that the remaining ten percent is worthwhile. Applying Sturgeon’s Law to the world of fiction writing, this means that of the one hundred percent of works published, only a small portion has a strong chance of making an impact on the hearts and minds of readers. The more pessimistic variations on Sturgeon’s Law go so far as to say that only one percent of fiction is actually good, or even outright state that the totality of fiction is terrible."

Let us look at this optimistically. Suppose a fiction writer toils for several years, churning out short stories, novels, novellas, scripts, and so on. This is what everyone with aspirations of being a fiction writer should do. They should write and write and write. Life will get in the way, obligations hovering over your shoulder with stubborn impatience. Your concentration, diligence, and confidence will face challenges. “Do I have what it takes?” you will ask yourself. “Is fiction writing really for me?” you will wonder. Let me tell you something, buddy: everyone, and I mean everyone, has some story to tell. I am about to turn twenty-one in a few days. From elementary school to today, I have written the first draft of a novel, two storybooks, and a ten-page manuscript, as well as numerous essays and articles and editorials throughout my life in public school. Do they hold up to my present standards in retrospect? No, but at the very least, they exist outside of my skull.

“Writers write,” as a man named Stephen King from Bangor, Maine, put it so tersely and so poignantly in his memoir On Writing. The man has been at it since his youth, and has been a bestselling master of horror and suspense for roughly forty years. The volume of his published work has been gargantuan, but in reality, it is probably much bigger, because for every one of Stephen King’s terrifying tales, there exists dozens that may never see the light of day. Perhaps they were beneath his standards. Perhaps they were not bankable. Perhaps some were just too disturbing. Perhaps all three could apply. Whatever the case, the fact remains that Stephen King has plenty of tenacity to
persevere in his writing, knowing that the finished manuscript before him might not see the light of day..."
Click to expand...
I'm going to cut a lot of this so it gets right to the point in less than half of the word count.
Sturgeon’s Law (a maxim attributed to science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon) says that ninety percent of everything is crap, but that the remaining ten percent is worthwhile. Let us look at this optimistically. Suppose a fiction writer toils for several years, churning out short stories, novels, novellas, scripts, and so on. This is what everyone with aspirations of being a fiction writer should do. Let me tell you something, buddy: everyone, and I mean everyone, has some story to tell.From elementary school to today, I have written the first draft of a novel, two storybooks, and a ten-page manuscript, as well as numerous essays and articles and editorials throughout my life in public school. Do they hold up to my present standards in retrospect? No, but at the very least, they exist outside of my skull.
Click to expand...
I also cut out the part about Stephen King because it wasn't necessary to understand the context of the piece and bogged it down a little too much.

You need to use your words carefully Connor. Just writing a lot of words isn't good writing, you need to learn how to write about broad and complex concepts using less and less words.
 
Due to your lack of work experience, it may be beneficial to go into a little bit of depth about what classes you've taken in college, especially if it's related to the kind of work you're looking for. To be quite honest, as a college student, you might consider fast food or retail, as these jobs don't really require any skills beyond having a pulse and a brain and will usually allow for flexible scheduling. I would also strongly recommend investigating jobs on campus, as colleges tend to look to hire students for work in, say, the library or dining hall.Shiala's idea is pretty good, too. Right now, that kind of work will show future employers that you are, if nothing else, reliable and motivated. Doing volunteer work related to your interests would also be a good idea, but I confess I'm not sure what kind of volunteer work you can do that will be related to writing. Perhaps literacy tutoring, or something of the sort.

EDIT: I got up for a minute in the middle of writing that, so I didn't see

By the way, my mom asked me about volunteering at my local library soon.
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This is a very good idea, IMO.
 
Cuddlebug said:
I'm going to cut a lot of this so it gets right to the point in less than half of the word count.

I also cut out the part about Stephen King because it wasn't necessary to understand the context of the piece and bogged it down a little too much.

You need to use your words carefully Connor. Just writing a lot of words isn't good writing, you need to learn how to write about broad and complex concepts using less and less words.
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I agree, Cuddlebug. I do have a tendency to indulge in word porn rather than getting to the main point.
 
Connor said:
I have a Belgian Tervuren that I love very much, but I guess it depends on the dog's temperament. By the way, my mom asked me about volunteering at my local library soon.
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That's a good idea, definitely jump on that.

As for your resume, you can add a few things you can add to make it beefier without lying:
  • Add an objective. Since anything you get will be your first job experience, make sure people know that you have some kind of goal in mind. If you can customize your resume based on the position you apply for, that'll look even better.
  • Add skills. How proficient are you with Microsoft Office and the like? If you can prove yourself to be capable with the computer, your elders may find you to be even more invaluable. Let your employers know if you're a quick learner or if you are eager to learn as much as you can.
  • Have you ever tutored or volunteered anywhere? Put it down on there.
 
Connor said:
I agree, Cuddlebug. I do have a tendency to indulge in word porn rather than getting to the main point.
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The way to avoid this is to heavily focus on editing. Ideally you should spend 60% of the time you spend writing on editing.

Read a paragraph and think to yourself "is this necessary? Does this state what I want it to?" try reading it from the perspective of someone else who isn't really that interested in your ideas. If necessary rewrite or cut it entirely.

I like to err on the shorter side of pieces in almost all circumstances. In this instance I tend to quote Shakespeare.
Hamlet said:
Brevity is the soul of wit
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So does your mom still think we're going to kill you or was that a lie like it sounds?
 
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