🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
Eponine said:
Real talk...why the heck doesn't Connor buy a normal pair of glasses? I swear it would bump up his sex appeal by 20%

from like negative 20%
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I've always wondered this. Weren't his glasses some kind of catalyst for a suicide attempt?

I think other people would take him and his codshit waffling more seriously if he got a scarf and some hipster glasses. And by "other people" I mean "pretentious hipsters"
 
ChurchOfGodBear said:
Gee, if only there were 80s movies about parents who love their children no matter what.

Oh, wait...
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Connor's only interested in 80s movies where cackling street punks run afoul of heroic white vigilantes. He talks about Molly Ringwald and John Hughes, but his true 80s loves are schlock filmmakers like Menahem Golan and his "good friend" Albert Pyun.

Was Connor even alive in the 80s? No, right? But somehow his entire worldview comes from Cannon exploitation flicks and Andrew "Dice" Clay routines that haven't been relevant since before he was born.

Shit, we should let him program Movie Night one of these weeks. He's good at being unintentionally funny; maybe his movies would be too.
 
Count groudon said:
Because he has this weird fascination with that particular style of glasses. Even in RE I think he makes it a point to tell the reader that Eva wears those type of glasses every other sentence. I think it's because characters in old 80's movies usually wear them, and because he's obsessed with those movies he's grown fond of that style.
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Crisseh said:
Cows cant help it, plus his mom probably buys them for him. So he's fucked either way.
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I think it's because autistics can't tell fashionable from unfashionable (Chris is the perfect example of that). Also they're the really cheap glasses. Connor doesn't want to waste valuable money on glasses when his mom will let him buy a few movies with the rest of the tugboat.

It's also noteworthy that if they were commonly seen in the 80's (I can't even think of a movie made and set in the 80's involving anyone wearing glasses right now), it's because there weren't very many options then. Weren't very many options in the early 90's for that matter, either. These days though you can chose from sleek and metal to hipster douchebag so there's no excuse for the pedo glasses. Unless you're too poor or cheap for anything remotely fashionable.
 
Handsome Pete said:
Connor's only interested in 80s movies where cackling street punks run afoul of heroic white vigilantes.
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I think he also really likes 2001, but there was something said about him not understanding most of it.

edit to add: Connor wants Redesigning Eva to be an "existential sci-fi drama." What does he think that means?
 
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ToroidalBoat said:
edit to add: Connor wants Redesigning Eva to be an "existential sci-fi drama." What does he think that means?
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He thinks that existence is an edgy 80's movie, so basically his idea of existential is that some deeper meaning can be derived from a math teacher masturbating to death in front of his class and a school nurse openly selling heroin.
 
@Connor Bible you fat stupid fuck. I spent a year trying to help you, trying to be your friend, trying to encourage and nurture you into being a better person and a better writer and you betray all of us to Vordrak.

Fine, whatever, that's your deal. You claim you "deleted the emails" you sent to him, irretrievably, despite copious explanations of why that's bullshit. Okay whatever you're a literal retard who has to take entire semesters off from community college because 1 class at a time is too hard. I get it, maybe you're too stupid to click the "delete" or "sent" folders on gmail, I'd believe it.

But Vordrak released yet another in his lawsuits to the public and you're the first thing mentioned in it. The thing where you told him you were lured here, despite being a member for over a year before your stupidity, bragging, and anger caused other members to look into you. You've been obsessing over Molly Ringwald for 7 years, you've been stalking a scared girl who hates you for years, and you're friends with @Weeny Tran, who has stalked a woman for over ten years.
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Great job asshole, you're a failure at everything. Fucking kill yourself so your parents can have a happy life with their other son who isn't a disgrace to the whole family.
 
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lol. connor you turncoat fuck.
I love how vordrak is portraying him as a "vulnerable autistic man", and not as a misunderstood genius like connor is probably hoping for.
Is that a sobering thought, connor? You are being literally used by a litigious sociopath as a big dumb slow-in-the-mind patsy, and he has the documents to prove it. He's fucked you over way worse than anyone on here ever did.

Also, fucking lured? who lured him? i'm pretty sure connor came here of his own accord to gawp at retards and their retarded behaviour, like everyone else.
 
Smutley said:
Great job asshole, you're a failure at everything. Fucking kill yourself so your parents can have a happy life with their other son who isn't a disgrace to the whole family.
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I love this.

The kiwi farms was actually Connor's best chance at having real companionship and something resembling true friends. The community sees an underdog and kicks them in the ribs, but it's done out of honest hope that they'll toughen up and get faster for their own sake (and because it's funny obviously). This forum is filled with people who saw him at his absolute darkest and weakest and still tried to prop him up and offer legitimate advice and kind words. This was the best he could ever hope for, and probably more than he deserved.

That's already ridiculously pathetic. But then he managed to fuck that up too.

I don't want Connor to kill himself. I want him to outlive his parents by decades. After inheriting nothing. I want to see what happens to this spineless flesh-pillow after reality yanks the saftey blanket off him and shoves him naked into the snow.
 
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Taily Puff said:
I don't want Connor to kill himself. I want him to outlive his parents by decades. After inheriting nothing. I want to see what happens to this spineless flesh-pillow after reality yanks the safety blanket off him and shoves him naked into the snow.
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I just want him to lose weight and work at a grocery store.
 
Taily Puff said:
I don't want Connor to kill himself. I want him to outlive his parents by decades. After inheriting nothing. I want to see what happens to this spineless flesh-pillow after reality yanks the saftey blanket off him and shoves him naked into the snow.
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trombonista said:
I just want him to lose weight and work at a grocery store.
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I just want him to get a kettlebell and try harder at self improvment rather than wasting like 99.9999999999999% of his time whining and stalking Molly Ringwald.
 
Smutley said:
@Connor Bible you fat stupid fuck. I spent a year trying to help you, trying to be your friend, trying to encourage and nurture you into being a better person and a better writer and you betray all of us to Vordrak.

Fine, whatever, that's your deal. You claim you "deleted the emails" you sent to him, irretrievably, despite copious explanations of why that's bullshit. Okay whatever you're a literal exceptional individual who has to take entire semesters off from community college because 1 class at a time is too hard. I get it, maybe you're too stupid to click the "delete" or "sent" folders on gmail, I'd believe it.

But Vordrak released yet another in his lawsuits to the public and you're the first thing mentioned in it. The thing where you told him you were lured here, despite being a member for over a year before your stupidity, bragging, and anger caused other members to look into you. You've been obsessing over Molly Ringwald for 7 years, you've been stalking a scared girl who hates you for years, and you're friends with @Weeny Tran, who has stalked a woman for over ten years.
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Great job asshole, you're a failure at everything. Fucking kill yourself so your parents can have a happy life with their other son who isn't a disgrace to the whole family.
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Connor tries to get revenge but is so bad at it that only the people who read this thread will know of the attempt and absolutely none will worry or really care about the attempt. Also he went to Vordrak and Weeny-Tran for help on this. That alone is another plane of failure of itself.
 
I am 100% sure he will accomplish this small goal
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Connor retcons his own life, yet again, to appear cool and hip and always a bright & mature young man. Nevermind that he wasn't allowed to watch R rates or scary movies when he was still like 18, and that Robocop gave him nightmares for a decade. There's no way his parents would have let him watch Dirty Harry on VHS. I do like when he attempts to write insightful movie reviews because he's just regurgitating what he read on Rotten Tomatoes.
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I posted this one somewhere back in the hundreds of pages we have, but I wanted to repost it with some pertinent info highlighted. This thread is called the "Connor's Stephen King Novel Consumption Thread" and it's a diary of all the Stephen King books he's read.
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IT'S TAKEN HIM ALMOST A YEAR TO READ 350 PAGES :story: :story: :story:
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From another thread about Stephen King books closely related to the realities of today, and he picks one of the least popular ones that he's also never read
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Like all good edgelords Connor is "reading" American Psycho. Because when it takes you 1 year to read 350 pages and to write 4000 words, the best thing to do is add more to your plate
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Connor's hate boner for James Patterson is all the more funny because Patterson could at least finish a book before he got so rich he paid people to write for him under his name
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