🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
Cosmos said:
Oh God, I completely fucking forgot about the scene in the nurse's office. The nurse is black, so obviously she has to speak in exaggerated hood speak and store hardcore drugs in her office, which she gives out to students.

I know that Connor probably wrote that scene to show us how ghetto Eva's school is, but even the most ghetto and shitty school in the United States would not have a school nurse that hands out drugs to students. It just would not happen.
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My school nurse always expected prompt payment (cash only).
 
r00 said:
This is probably the crux of connors problem. He clearly likes movies way more than novels. He really doesnt read much, and the narratives he writes proves that. He knows he is way too lazy to ever make a film so he thinks writing novels will be an easier alternative, as he just needs a pen and a pad and his own brilliant creative mind.
Rather than admit that he never really liked novels or writing in the first place, and that he has literally no idea how written narratives are constructed, he doubled down on his bullshit and tried to come up with excuses for why he wasn't immediately shitting out prizewinning stories, oblivious to the fact that anyone with half a clue can immediately see right through him. He is a poser of the highest order.
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In my opinion, you have won the thread.
 
Wow Connor is in his 20's? For some reason I thought he was like 16-18. He seems way younger from the way he acts.
 
While we're dogpiling ("How do you do, fellow kids"), does anyone actually say "crib" to refer to a space they work in but don't live in?
 
Smutley said:
As long as we're discussing Redesigning Eva...

I know it's not dialog but for those who haven't read it, Connor had a teacher masturbate himself to death during class. That's almost as fun as GhettoNurse and BlackApe.

Also, Eva is Garfield?
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Goddammit, I thought I repressed that scene. It confuses me every time I read it. At first I thought it was implied that he was murdered somehow, because there was no way anyone could jack off to death. . .right?
Though I prefer Mauv's version where Yorkin splits the desk in half with his mighty dick.

caffeinated_wench said:
Don't forget Alphaboy's. It reads like an alien's idea of our 50s sitcoms. That's not even getting into the incestuous undertones.
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I'm really glad I'm not the only one who got that vibe from the interaction between Alphaboy's love interest & her dad.

Galvatron said:
The fuck did I just read?
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The answer to the question "has Connor even met a black person?"
NobleGreyHorse said:
While we're dogpiling ("How do you do, fellow kids"), does anyone actually say "crib" to refer to a space they work in but don't live in?
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It's pretty much fallen out of use even as a term to describe one's place of residence. I also can't remember the last time I heard heroin refered to as "smack."

You know, when GTA5 first came out, I heard Rockstar employed actual inner-city gang members to do the voices of various characters. They wound up throwing away the script because it was painfully obvious some random white guy wrote it & they flat-out refused to read from it. IIRC, they did all the dialogue completely off-the-cuff.

This crosses my mind whenever I see Connor try to write non-white people.
 
There will never be a post that is more "Connor" than this one. It is so monumental in it's Connor-ness that I'm going to spoiler it. You have to want to see it.
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Smutley said:
There will never be a post that is more "Connor" than this one. It is so monumental in it's Connor-ness that I'm going to spoiler it. You have to want to see it.
View attachment 95685
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So where is the part where he betrays his "friend" to Vordrak? Is that a part of this as well?

You know the part where he betrays the people who help him to the most vile and perhaps stupid person on earth?
 
Smutley said:
There will never be a post that is more "Connor" than this one. It is so monumental in it's Connor-ness that I'm going to spoiler it. You have to want to see it.
View attachment 95685
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  • Reference to helping his grandmother, which to him counts as two weeks worth of actual work and effort: Check
  • Reference to having writer's block/being critical of his writing: Check
  • Reference to a prompt: Check
  • "I only wrote one sentence of this story, but I'm totally going to finish it and honestly you should just pat me on the back for getting so far": Check
  • "I'm definitely going to finish it guys... later": Check
Someone please put this in the OP. It is so quintessentially Connor that you will save 554 pages of reading.
 
Smutley said:
As long as we're discussing Redesigning Eva...

I know it's not dialog but for those who haven't read it, Connor had a teacher masturbate himself to death during class. That's almost as fun as GhettoNurse and BlackApe.

Also, Eva is Garfield?
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I like to imagine that the frowning T-shirt is just a shirt with a big sad face on it.
 
wagglyplacebo said:
I like to imagine that the frowning T-shirt is just a shirt with a big sad face on it.
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When I was reading that, I was wondering if he meant a T-Shirt with a big frowny face, or if he meant the shirt itself was literally frowning, as in it was old and beat up and drooping into a sad shape.

Both are equally bad writing, so it could go either way. But I honestly can't decide which is more pathetic. He either dressed his sad girl character in a sad smiley shirt because that's his entire concept of character development. OR he's just so bad at his effort to be descriptive that when he was trying to explain that her clothing was worn and tired, he somehow went with the word 'frowning'. It's like a mobius strip of failure, you can't tell where and how one part starts sucking due to lack of skill, because the skills relevant to the parts before and after are equally lacking. Just one infinite loop of being pathetic over and over, forever.
 
Taily Puff said:
When I was reading that, I was wondering if he meant a T-Shirt with a big frowny face, or if he meant the shirt itself was literally frowning, as in it was old and beat up and drooping into a sad shape.

Both are equally bad writing, so it could go either way. But I honestly can't decide which is more pathetic. He either dressed his sad girl character in a sad smiley shirt because that's his entire concept of character development. OR he's just so bad at his effort to be descriptive that when he was trying to explain that her clothing was worn and tired, he somehow went with the word 'frowning'. It's like a mobius strip of failure, you can't tell where and how one part starts sucking due to lack of skill, because the skills relevant to the parts before and after are equally lacking. Just one infinite loop of being pathetic over and over, forever.
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When Connor drops the emails he also should tell us what's on the stupid fucking shirt.
#noshirtleftbehind
 
wagglyplacebo said:
When Connor drops the emails he also should tell us what's on the stupid fucking shirt.
#noshirtleftbehind
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Then we'd never know. Asking Connor about the emails is going to be the new "How's your writing?" It's going to be the same excuses and non-answers time and again (should even even acknowledge the question) until Kiwis get bored and go back to asking about his writing.
 
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