🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
Connor Bible said:
Here is proof that I'm working on it.

There once lived a young man in the lower Carolinas by the name of Connor. He was the son of a well-liked, well-educated man of modest means and numerous friends who worked two jobs to support his family. Connor and his mother, his father’s second wife, were unemployed, leaving the father to be the sole breadwinner. He had sired another son from his previous marriage, which ended in divorce; that lad was now in his early thirties, happily married, and a successful attorney. The father had felt that he had done an excellent job with this boy, but lamented that he had let Connor down. Now of twenty-two years, his cherry not popped, and his hands not given a tool with which he can rise to the positions of his father and half-brother, Connor had grown into an ass. He predominantly resided within his room at his parent’s household, wasting valuable opportunity with each video game he played or each expulsion of millions of potential sons and daughters from his cod.
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Why are we learning this in boring-ass third person narrative summary? Show us the stakes through Connor's eyes. Put us in his shoes. Make us connect and care for the character. Let's see some dialog, some real scenes. Every piece of information you're showing us could be conveyed in a much more interesting way than it is now.

Reading recommendation: A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. The protagonist of that story reminds me a lot of yours, but we care about him despite how much of a shitbag he is because we get to see him do things. We get to hear the ridiculous stories he tells to excuse his own lazy behavior. He comes alive through his words and actions. Connor doesn't have any, so there's nothing for us to connect to - only vague generalities and a family history we don't really care about.
 
Connor Bible said:
Here is proof that I'm working on it.

There once lived a young man in the lower Carolinas by the name of Connor. He was the son of a well-liked, well-educated man of modest means and numerous friends who worked two jobs to support his family. Connor and his mother, his father’s second wife, were unemployed, leaving the father to be the sole breadwinner. He had sired another son from his previous marriage, which ended in divorce; that lad was now in his early thirties, happily married, and a successful attorney. The father had felt that he had done an excellent job with this boy, but lamented that he had let Connor down. Now of twenty-two years, his cherry not popped, and his hands not given a tool with which he can rise to the positions of his father and half-brother, Connor had grown into an ass. He predominantly resided within his room at his parent’s household, wasting valuable opportunity with each video game he played or each expulsion of millions of potential sons and daughters from his cod.
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There's effective ways of setting up a scene and a character and then there's this. What you have here is a bare bones framework about how pathetic he is. That's great but this needs fleshing out and expanding. You can't just tell us what's wrong with him and how much of a loser he is. Give us a reason to like him and want him to succeed even if he winds up falling flat on his face. You need to make him likable.

Why should we care about Connor? You've given us no reason to do so. All we have is an exposition dump about how worthless he is. Yeah, that really makes us want to read more about him. Give us an insight into his mind. Give us dialogue. Give us interactions between him and his parents / brother / friends / frenemies etc. Basically, give us something other than what you have written here.

The reader needs to feel a connection with Connor even if it's in the most superficial way.
 
I'm not going to shit on your writing for no reason but I'm not going to coddle you either. This excerpt like most of your other writings is simply not very good even when comparing it to a junior high school level of skill. You claim to have read On Writing so why do you continue to make the exact same mistakes over and over again instead of following the book's advice?
 
Connor Bible said:
When I'm done with the whole story, it would be awesome if @MasterDisaster read it. Don't worry, the story isn't going to be overly dark and morose. I imagine it being akin to a Monty Python movie at its most morbid.
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Cart before the horse, again.

Now, in your defense, it's one paragraph of a first draft. It's probably too soon for everyone to start critiquing it. But it is also way too soon for you to be posting it. Books aren't movies. They don't have trailers. On the rare occasion when a book does get a trailer, the book is already finished and the publisher is trying to drum up interest for their upcoming product. You shouldn't be thinking about fan-made audiobooks yet. You certainly shouldn't be drafting strangers to star in them. MasterDisaster has other shit to do. Attend to the unpleasant business of actually writing the thing, then worry about all the other stuff when you're done.
 
Ass Manager 3000 said:
Connor why are you making a lolcow story staring yourself, attached to your real name on a public website?
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Do really think it would make a difference at this point?
Having his own Sonichu at least has the very optimistic chance of maybe one day if it's ever finished of providing McDonald's dollar menu money on top of the :tugboat:.
 
Connor Bible said:
You really think potential employers would give a shit about me dicking around on the Internet?
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Your various sexist/anti adoption rants easily available when your real name is Googled? Yup. Not that you have to worry about that since you've shown no interest in becoming employed.
 
autisticdragonkin said:
I think he has acknowledged that he screwed up his future by becoming a lolcow
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Bones said:
Depends, Do you want a good job or not?
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Ruin said:
Your various sexist/anti adoption rants easily available when your real name is Googled? Yup. Not that you have to worry about that since you've shown no interest in becoming employed.
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autisticdragonkin said:
Dramatic irony is my favourite literary device
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Come on, guys. Don't shit on him just yet. He just came back. Let's see what he has to say.
 
Ruin said:
What's the point? How many times has he claimed to have "changed" now?
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I know, but. . .it's been a while since he posted here. I wanna see him actually follow through with something for a change before people start tearing into him.
 
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